I'll start by saying that I've never read Scripture very much... which is weird, considering I'm very much a Scripture first and everything in the Bible is true (though I struggle with it) type of person. So when my pastor from home (hopefully I won't be using my normal, distracting amount of parentheses here, but I just have to say that I'm from near Boston, which should matter to you because Massachusetts is the greatest state of all time and Boston is, in some ways, a city on a hill to me) asked me about a year into trying to follow my call into ministry whose call in the Bible I related to most, I was stuck.
I couldn't think of anyone but Moses and the "oh Lord I'm not worthy, choose someone else" attitude. To me, that seemed rather generic. Who in their right mind ever responds to God's call by saying, "Heck yeah! Geez, God, I didn't think you'd ever ask, what took you so long????" And then I quickly thought back to when I was thirteen or fourteen, when I told my friends I thought I'd be a pastor when I grew up, a sentiment that I quickly forgot and pushed aside as a young person's dumb dream. I concluded, then, that as generic as Moses' story might be, and thought I didn't know of anyone else's story, I related to Moses. The second I started telling my pastor that, however, something in my gut told me I was lying.
I've always been a gut-oriented, "go with the flow" type of person. I don't mean go with the flow in the sense that I'm laid back and relaxed. I stress out. A lot. Part of the reason I stress out is that I respect and put a lot of focus on my mind and my (our) glorious ability to think and reason. How does any of that fit with being a gut-oriented, "go with the flow" person? Well, I'll tell you.
As much as I don't read Scripture and stress out and put emphasis on my ability to reason, I very thoroughly believe in God's working in the world RIGHT NOW. Miracles, signs, bright lights, voices from above... all of it still happens as we live and breathe. In fact, when I sit down and really think about my life, the fact that I'm alive and breathing and able to ponder the divine and feel pleasure (and, unfortunately, think about regrets, feel and dish out pain) is simply amazing and I become very short of breath because I'm very scared of not breathing and living and the only thing sustaining me is God's love. If you get bored of my blog but you've read this far, I hope and pray you get one thing out of it: don't take your breath for granted, thank God every day. But yes, God's love equals daily miracles. So when odd things happen, I jot them down as God's talking to me and leading me.
I'm a big football fan. When the Patriots won their first superbowl in the 2001 season, it didn't surprise me. After 9/11, what the country needed was to come together and together live out God's love. God reminded us of that when the Patriots won, being the first team in superbowl history to run onto the field as a team. It also didn't surprise me when the New Orleans Saints had their first good season in a long time the same year the Superdome reopened after Hurricane Katrina. Not only did the people of New Orleans need something to boost their spirits, but we all needed to be reminded that the saints always come marching home.
You might think I'm silly. God doesn't talk through football. Maybe not always, but I do believe He does. I believe God talks to us in whatever way we will listen. If you really love music, He's going to have the song just for you playing when you turn on the radio. That's just an example. And I believe that if you're following God's plan, everything in your life will start falling into place and you'll think, "Man am I lucky!!!" but you're not lucky because you're doing exactly as you're supposed to. And vice versa. If you are ignoring God's plan, your life will start falling apart. I'm not a prosperity theology type guy, but I do believe that when we're on the path we have a safe place to tread, and when we veer off the path the thorn bushes scratch us up.
Now that I'm done with my long background stuff, I'll tell you that I've tried following the signs and the little miracles all my life. That's what I mean by gut-oriented, "go with the flow" type person. When I believe God has spoken, I listen. It's hard knowing when something is a sign from God, but trust me, when someone buys you a pair of bunny slippers saying, "You're a guy so I have no idea why you'd want bunny slippers, but when I walked by them something told me I should get them for you anyway, so I did, please please please tell me you like them," you know God has done something miraculous (p.s. I love bunnies!!!!). Following those gut feelings and little crazy moments that occur occasionally can make you feel great, because it's all from God. It can also be really difficult, because if you really want to go out with friends some night but your keys somehow without reason defy the possible and fall into the ridiculously narrow slit between your front door and your front porch and it takes you hours to get them out, it can really stink, but those hours were just enough time for your friends to call to tell you, "Sorry, we're not hanging out anymore. We decided to get drunk and so-and-so is in the hospital now," you know your keys fell for a reason.
Anyway, I've always felt incredibly lucky. Whether I have been lucky or undeservedly blessed or if I've just been following the path is up to you to decide, but I believe the latter. It seemed like my professors were always assigning exams to give me plenty of time to study in between, whereas other students had 3 or 4 on the same day. I took it as a sign that I was taking all the classes God wanted me to. Everything in my life was going just great right on up through sophomore year of college.
Around then I was feeling very depressed and without direction. One day, though, I went to a church I wouldn't normally go to (actually, I hadn't been going to church on a regular basis at that time... actually, I've never really gone to church on a regular basis, except for two years at undergrad when I went to my school's Catholic church... I'm not Catholic). While I was sitting in the church during the service, I could tell the congregation wasn't exactly feeling the "church thang" which was ok with me because I was just there to be there, something in me had told me to go that day (doesn't sound all that crazy but it was, because my girlfriend at the time was going to do a class assignment that day by going to a church not of her denomination. The last thing I wanted was to have my faith mocked by her and I knew she would... we weren't exactly best buds). As I was thinking about why I was even there, I thought back to a time in my high school days when, again, I wasn't going to church regularly, hadn't gone to church for months, but one day I woke up and something was telling me to go to church to receive Communion. I didn't know the Communion schedule at the time, but I knew we didn't have it that often so I tried arguing with myself that the chances of even having Communion that day were slim to none, but I couldn't get over the desperate urge I felt to go to church and have Communion. So I went, and wouldn't you know it, we had Communion that day. Snap back to the present, I heard something in me say, "You're here for a reason, like always... you can do great things for this congregation if you were standing up front instead of this pastor."
That was it. That's my call story. I took those words, that feeling, as words from God. I dropped everything I had plans for to become a pastor, just like I believe I was told to do. It's been three years since then, and I've been focused on nothing else but following through. So, I can't say I was a lot like Moses. Sure, I believe I had a burning bush moment (I believe I had another seeing that Kate labeled this blog "Bring back the Burning Bush," because that's the story I talked about when I first officially talked about my call) and I most definitely don't feel worthy, but I didn't argue with God. It had been years since a young John first said he was going to be a pastor, and I figured even if I ran away from the call again it wouldn't do me much good. Besides, since accepting God's call, I've never felt more alive in my life, more free to be myself and more open to new adventures, all because I willingly submitted myself to what I believe God is calling me to do.
Of course, it's also nice (and another sign, to me) to hear the first pastor I told about what I believe God calling me to do say to me, "You know, I had recently been thinking to ask you if you had ever given thought to being a pastor. You'd be really good." And it's also definitely nice, and amazing, when a complete stranger, a nun in this case, walks up to me and asks me, "Are you going into ministry?" because, apparently, she could tell that was God's plan for me.
I say these things are nice because I am slightly insecure. When it comes to doing God's will, I think it's easy to become insecure. Am I actually doing what God wants? I don't know!!!!!!! <--- That's a common attitude, one I experience often. Even though I believe God talks to me in miraculous ways, I can still miss things. In fact, there are times that I know for sure God is telling me something and I just don't want to listen. It's hard holding conversations and listening clearly to a being who is all present but also invisible, who talks on a plain far above this earthly realm. But I do believe God still sends all of us burning bushes and signs and miracles of all sorts to guide us. I'm still keeping my eyes open, and I hope and pray you can join me in trying to open our eyes and ears and hearts to the voice of God in our world today.
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