Last time I blogged here I finished by asking the question, "does the individual change to match the call, or does the call change to match the individual?" I still don't have an answer to this...but I've had some new revelations. I'm blogging now because I'm procrastinating on my work...sometime in the next few days (AKA, a Friday night spent doing homework, a Saturday at the funeral of a friend's grandma, leading 2 worship services on Sunday morning, and a dentist appointment on Monday morning before driving 2+ hours to classes Monday afternoon), I need to read 12 chapters of Genesis, all of 1 & 2 Thessalonians, Philippians and Philemon, in addition to about 350 pages of secondary source material on everything ranging from scripture to church history to worship to stewardship in small churches. Hence the reason I'm procrastinating.
This week was the first week that I had to manage both pastoring and school. Now, I should explain that I'm used to hard work. I've been working since I was 16 years old. In college, I worked 5 part-time jobs at the same time. I've never been one to shy away from a challenge. But I must say that I am exhausted. Even if I didn't have all my work to do, I still wouldn't want to go out tonight...I don't have the energy. My seminary is about 2 hours away from my churches (with no traffic...which in this area is like impossible). Monday I had to do all the beginning of the semester stuff--get IDs validated, buy books, register my card at the library, get keys to commuter housing, etc. Then I had classes from 1:30-8:30pm. I went back and chilled with people for a while, went to bed around midnight and got up early. On Tuesday, I had classes/chapel/meals/meetings continuously from 8:30am-10pm. Then I had to drive home. I got to bed around 2am. Wednesday, I got up, worked on my bulletin and sermon for Sunday, and then had to drive back to campus that afternoon/evening for my once-per-month class that night. I got in after midnight again. Thursday I finished the sermon, copied, folded and stuffed bulletins, went to visit choir practice at 2 churches and schmooze a bit. I was supposed to have a meeting with a pastor friend on either Thursday or Friday, but he got sick...so that was cancelled. Today, I stopped by one church to help set up for a Bible study that starts this week (God is amazing! In a congregation of 20 people, we have 15 people signed up for a Bible study...including a couple of people from outside of the congregation!). I sometime need to finish looking at the curriculum they picked and then asked me to lead. (All of Genesis in 10 weeks).
So now that you are thoroughly bored with my life and schedule...here's the point. I have always LOVED academia. Like, I was the one who started jumping up and down (literally!) when professors assigned research papers...it's how I learn best, and I adore learning! And I still enjoy learning. I enjoy my classes (for the most part) when I'm in them...especially when they are small and have lots of interaction (not as much lecture). But I don't enjoy all the work I have. My mind keeps wandering to the next sermon I can't wait to start writing...or how my small churches can better let the community know we exist...or what to say to the man dying from cancer...or how to re-design worship to make it more exciting...or how I can find more people my age to bring to church...especially these churches...or where the money can come from in the budget to provide scholarships to kids to go to summer church camp...or daydreaming about the day I can actually consecrate communion...you get the idea. My mind drifts away from classes to actual ministry. I want to see the growth (both spiritually and numerically) in my churches. I want to be more effective as their pastor. I want to help the community around us find Christ in their lives. I don't want to read about it. I'm an action-oriented person.
So where is this going, you might ask...well...I'm wondering about my changing call...or me changing to better match my call. I'm wondering if perhaps I'm not called to full-time academia after all. Perhaps I'm called to local church ministry (which, if you had asked me even 6 weeks ago, I would have said, "Absolutely not!" I wouldn't have even considered it a possibility.). A few months ago, I was sitting in a small UMC congregation during a Sunday morning worship service. The church had maybe 20 or 25 people there...in a sanctuary designed to hold several hundred. The whole place needed some TLC...but you could see that at one time, it was absolutely gorgeous! I was trying to pay attention to the sermon...but my mind wandered because I was unhappy that the pastor said that women have achieved full-inclusion and equal status in the UMC as clergy. While that's true on paper, women are still fighting for equal pay, equal representation as clergy in large churches, and against many congregants who don't believe women should be in the pulpit. Rather than letting myself get angry, I chose to let my mind wander. I started looking at the cross...thinking about Christ's sacrifice for us. And I began praying about my call...I said to God, "Lord, this worship service is dead. People aren't engaged. The message is not inspiring. If this is what is going on in churches across the country, there's no question why churches are losing members and worship attendees. I could do better than this." And with that, I heard God speaking to me. (Yeah, I audibly hear God sometimes...it's pretty strange, and I can't explain it...no, I promise, I'm not psycho!) God told me, "I know you can do better than this, and you will." I replied, "God, are you telling me what I think you're telling me? I don't want to be in a local church! I'm called to academia...I'm good at that...I like that." (I knew better than to say that I wasn't going to do something...cuz I know that I'd definitely end up doing that!) God chuckled a bit and said, "You will do better. You will go where you are called." I said, "God, are you trying to tell me that I'm going to end up in a local church?!?! You're crazy!" I then got an image in my mind of God smiling. And that was the end of our conversation for the moment.
I'm absolutely happy and content serving my two churches. I love it! (Even when challenges arise, even when the same guy talks my ear off each week, even when the 3-person choir sings off-key every week, even when I can't use the upstairs bathroom in the 200 year old parsonage because the floor slopes 35 degrees...even when I'm exhausted from copying bulletins at 11pm on a Saturday night and get stopped by a cop wondering what I'm doing--true story--, even when...) I'm happier than I've been in months. I'm busy, yes, but I feel like I have a purpose. I'm serving. I had missed that in the fall semester...I didn't feel satisfied. I missed leading Bible studies and participating fully in worship. I tried to go to a different church (or at least a different service) each week...to get a better idea of how others structured worship. I was fairly successful at this (and I do recommend doing this on occassion...it helps you to realize that there are other ways of doing stuff), but I felt a disconnect from a steady worshipping body. One of the services I went to, the Spirit was so alive, the worship amazing, the people friendly, I broke down in tears 6 times in ther service because I missed that so much.
Now that I'm serving as a pastor, I'm starting to feel myself come back to life! My energy returns, and I'm happy, joyful, content and satisfied. Is that conversation in October with God coming to fruition? I don't know. What I do know is that a pile of books awaits me...and God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good!
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