My name is Kate, and I am (among other things) the founder and administrator of this blog. Currently, I am a nearly broke and unemployed seminarian wondering how on earth I'm going to pay for two more years of seminary. God has cared for me well in the past, but it seems as though His (or Her) provision is fast running out, with no rescue in sight.
3 The Israelites said to them, "If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death."
4 Then the LORD said to Moses, "I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions. 5 On the sixth day they are to prepare what they bring in, and that is to be twice as much as they gather on the other days."
6 So Moses and Aaron said to all the Israelites, "In the evening you will know that it was the LORD who brought you out of Egypt, 7 and in the morning you will see the glory of the LORD, because he has heard your grumbling against him. Who are we, that you should grumble against us?" 8 Moses also said, "You will know that it was the LORD when he gives you meat to eat in the evening and all the bread you want in the morning, because he has heard your grumbling against him. Who are we? You are not grumbling against us, but against the LORD."
9 Then Moses told Aaron, "Say to the entire Israelite community, 'Come before the LORD, for he has heard your grumbling.' "
10 While Aaron was speaking to the whole Israelite community, they looked toward the desert, and there was the glory of the LORD appearing in the cloud.
11 The LORD said to Moses, 12 "I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites. Tell them, 'At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the LORD your God.' "
13 That evening quail came and covered the camp, and in the morning there was a layer of dew around the camp. 14 When the dew was gone, thin flakes like frost on the ground appeared on the desert floor. 15 When the Israelites saw it, they said to each other, "What is it?" For they did not know what it was.
Moses said to them, "It is the bread the LORD has given you to eat. 16 This is what the LORD has commanded: 'Each one is to gather as much as he needs. Take an omer for each person you have in your tent.' "
17 The Israelites did as they were told; some gathered much, some little. 18 And when they measured it by the omer, he who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little. Each one gathered as much as he needed.
19 Then Moses said to them, "No one is to keep any of it until morning."
20 However, some of them paid no attention to Moses; they kept part of it until morning, but it was full of maggots and began to smell. So Moses was angry with them.
21 Each morning everyone gathered as much as he needed, and when the sun grew hot, it melted away. 22 On the sixth day, they gathered twice as much—two omers for each person—and the leaders of the community came and reported this to Moses. 23 He said to them, "This is what the LORD commanded: 'Tomorrow is to be a day of rest, a holy Sabbath to the LORD. So bake what you want to bake and boil what you want to boil. Save whatever is left and keep it until morning.' "
24 So they saved it until morning, as Moses commanded, and it did not stink or get maggots in it. 25 "Eat it today," Moses said, "because today is a Sabbath to the LORD. You will not find any of it on the ground today. 26 Six days you are to gather it, but on the seventh day, the Sabbath, there will not be any."
27 Nevertheless, some of the people went out on the seventh day to gather it, but they found none. 28 Then the LORD said to Moses, "How long will you refuse to keep my commands and my instructions? 29 Bear in mind that the LORD has given you the Sabbath; that is why on the sixth day he gives you bread for two days. Everyone is to stay where he is on the seventh day; no one is to go out." 30 So the people rested on the seventh day.
31 The people of Israel called the bread manna. It was white like coriander seed and tasted like wafers made with honey. 32 Moses said, "This is what the LORD has commanded: 'Take an omer of manna and keep it for the generations to come, so they can see the bread I gave you to eat in the desert when I brought you out of Egypt.' "
33 So Moses said to Aaron, "Take a jar and put an omer of manna in it. Then place it before the LORD to be kept for the generations to come."
34 As the LORD commanded Moses, Aaron put the manna in front of the Testimony, that it might be kept. 35 The Israelites ate manna forty years, until they came to a land that was settled; they ate manna until they reached the border of Canaan.
By and large, I am an independent person in that I enjoy a self-contained existence, providing for my own needs and wants without much assistance or interference from anyone else. I paid my way through undergrad as a banker, and made enough money in the interim between graduation and entrance at Wesley to see me through a year's tuition. I am now at the point where I am preparing to spend the last of that money, and wondering where I can locate another job in enough time to bridge the $10,000 gap between my MEF loans and the cost of tuition, room and board for next fall.
In Exodus 16, God forces the Israelites into a place of complete and utter dependence on Him, both in short-term (daily bread) and long-term (guide to the Promised Land) objectives. This is the place in which I find myself, and I dislike it enormously. Oddly enough, this is also the place I found myself last spring as I waited to hear whether or not I would be accepted to Wesley. Then, I was able to have a peaceful security in the knowledge that God would work on my behalf to get me to the place He wanted me to be - and He did, in spectacular fashion. So why has all my trust evaporated? Why were the Israelites, after being delivered out of the hands of their oppressors, sitting in the middle of the desert wishing they could trade back their independence for the promise of a daily meal?
The thing that strikes me most about the story of the manna and quail is how the Israelites distrusted God's provision, even in the face of the undeniably supernatural. You ever seen bread and meat appear out of the dew on your lawn? Me neither. And yet the Israelites, even after days and weeks and months of continued provision, keep trying to store a little away, anticipating the day when God's favor will dissipate and they will be reduced to their former circumstances, runaway slaves in the middle of the desert with no food, no water and no hope. This is exactly what I'm doing - anticipating the day when God will decide that I'm not worth it, I can't possibly do this, and I will become a broke, unemployed idiot who left a situation of stability, if not happiness (the banking industry is not exactly fun) to pursue a pipe dream. Maybe it's because, for perhaps the first time in my life, I have something I don't want to lose; an identity outside myself, a purpose, a place where I can succeed in ways that have eluded me in every other arena, and the idea of going back to what I was terrifies me. Maybe it's because my identity as an independent, self-sustained and self-contained person cannot survive in dependence on anyone, even a Father, Creator and Sustainer. Maybe that black part of my soul suspects that it's all just too good to be true.
You might well be asking what the heck all this has to do with call, vocation or discernment. To me, the answer is simple: everything. Something every person who seeks God has to discern (although we rarely use the term in this way) is whether or not God is worthy of trust, worthy of our following, our submission. We see the suffering all around us, and we ask ourselves whether God is the author of evil as well as good. We ask ourselves how following God will benefit us, if it will protect us from harm, grief and disappointment. Then we ask ourselves how a perfect, omniscient and omnipresent God could possibly love us enough to sacrifice a part of Himself that we may be brought into communion with Him. It all seems too good to be true.
I have a tattoo of John 15:16a, where Jesus speaks to His disciples, saying "you did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you to go forth and bear fruit - fruit that will last". I chose to get that tattoo because through seven years of wrestling with God's call on my life, I still find it difficult to believe that God has chosen me, has seen me, known me and yet still loved me, and wants to use me for the glory of the Kingdom. But I do believe; I see the evidence of God's handiwork in my life, moving me slowly but surely toward moments of fulfillment, moments of repentance, moments of trust. And if I believe, I must also trust.
"Trust and obey, there is no other way..."
No comments:
Post a Comment