I Saw the Burning Bush, But It Didn't Make It Easier

I've always been a good little church boy. I went to church all my life, was active in the youth group, played guitar for the worship team, and volunteered on various mission trips and service projects. All seemed to be going well. I grew up and went off to a Christian school in western Pennsylvania to study Electrical Engineering. All seemed well.

Fast-forward to June, 2008. The setting is a church near Cleveland, OH where I am "chaperoning" a group of middle and high school kids from the church on a mission trip with a program called World Changers. Thursday night is the "Concert of Prayer." During the service I feel God tugging on my heart to share some of my testimony with the kids in our group during devotions.

So I walk up to our group leader and tell her I want to talk at our meeting. She nods, then looks me straight in the eye and says, "Matt, you're going to be a youth pastor. You need to drop out of engineering."

I felt the Spirit rise up in me at that moment. I laughed with tears in my eyes and said that I knew this would happen someday. I felt purpose, and passion. I experienced God in a totally new way.

I spent the rest of the summer debating this. I saw the Burning Bush, but could I be sure it wasn't a figment of my imagination? Through the council of friends and mentors, I found myself trusting more and more in its validity. I found my interest in things technical beginning to wane. I found an new interest in things of a spiritual nature. I took these as more signs to trust the experience.

Once I got back to school, I dropped out of engineering and enrolled in something called Christian Thought, basically a pre-seminary degree. Things went well for a while. I learned to study non-technical material. I read all afternoon. And I did pretty well, at first.

Near the end of the semester, I had a terrible week. I became wary of my classes. I felt ineffective leading a Bible study. I failed a test, and did less than spectacularly on others I felt like I had aced. I felt like it should be easier. Why was I being led toward something I was no good at? I'm supposed to be a pastor, but I can't even lead a simple Bible study? Why was I being set up to fail?

After much hemming and hawing, I prayed the following simple prayer:

"God, if you want me, you can have me. But you've got to make me into what you want. I've got nothing to offer."

And so I saw the burning bush, once in a dark auditorium. But it didn't ultimately make it easier. I still struggle with doubts, rebellious thoughts and actions, and new found self-righteousness. This process of sanctification is not easy. "The Lord disciplines those he loves." Discipline is never fun.

So in summary, where I stand today:

I've found that God is placing a desire in me for being a normal pastor of a small congregation, rather than my original thoughts of being a youth pastor. I do not hold aspirations to leading a giant church. I want to know each of the pilgrims under my care. I want to preach, and to preach well. I want to know what the congregation is dealing with, and apply the Biblical truths to their needs. I want to offer counsel, visit the sick and elderly, and teach small groups. This was definitely not in my 5 year plan two summers ago!

I hope this blog will be beneficial both to those of us who contribute, and to those who may read it. May God bless all of you in seeking his will and following after him.