Leading up this year's Father's Day I've been thinking a lot about what the day means to me. I've always respected my father, but I can't say I've always loved my father, except for the fact that he was my dad and I think any non-abusive, somewhat attentive father would be heart breaking for a child to lose, so I loved him because I couldn't imagine life without him. Growing up, then, I only spent time with my dad when I wanted to play a game. Other than that, I thought him to be too strict, too demanding, and too judgmental of anything not done his way or not thought out the way he would. I have memories of Father's Day as a kid being not much more than my dad's taking the day off from any type of work and everyone else doing whatever they felt like. It wasn't very meaningful and it didn't exactly celebrate my dad as a father. What makes a Father's Day special (and Mother's Day, too, but Mother's Day was about two months ago and I wasn't thinking about this then) is that the spouse and children say, "Hey, dad, we love you and we appreciate all that you have done for us, so let's take a day to celebrate you and, to help do that, we'll do all the work around the house and such." It's not special when the father's family doesn't give him that type of support and he has to decide on his own that he's not going to do anything, which is what I forced my father to do growing up.
Although this will be my first Father's Day away from home, it will be the most special Father's Day to date for me... and it's not because I recently got someone pregnant. No one I know is pregnant, I'm not going to be a father. I'm still only a son. Nothing much has changed, and yet this Father's Day will be significantly more special for me. Why?
I'll tell you why. Approximately a year ago I realized just how much my father has done for me in my life. As I said, I have always respected my dad, he's a great man, but I've never much enjoyed spending time with him. That was until approximately a year ago when I realized how much I owe him, how much who I am is indebted to my father. And I also began to realize that the faults I see in my father don't make him a bad person, they don't even necessarily make him uncomfortable to be around. Part of the problem was that I had a number of the same traits which caused a lot of friction, and part of the problem also was me. First of all, for whatever reason, I never gave my father the benefit of the doubt. I didn't approach him with love. So when I saw his faults I immediately was displeased, without acknowledging that I have lots of faults, too, and that everyone has faults. I also came to realize that it was from a lack of care and love that resulted in my father's quest to assert himself while at the same time detaching himself from family life, making him seem more unpleasant than he really is.
I started realizing all these things and was determined to make a concerted effort to love my dad. That was pretty easy, because apparently the love was there the whole time and I had just been denying it. But it was also easy because my dad is awesome. We started spending more time together, we hiked together a lot, and we also started eating meals as a family, for the first time since however far back I can remember. Before last year every member of the family generally ate whenever they wanted to, not waiting for anyone else and sometimes taking the food back to one of our rooms rather than eat at the table.
The last part is key, because I see that as the reason why this year Father's Day actually means something to me. For the past year or so my family has spent at least part of the day just sitting together sharing a meal. Nothing special, nothing extravagant, simply a mundane activity. As mundane as sharing a meal with your family might be, though, it's extremely special. A friend of mine likes to say that sharing a meal with someone is possibly the most amazing thing we can do as humans, because when you share a meal at the table everyone is equal, everyone is loved, and everyone is nourished (perhaps not nourished physically in some places and in some homes, the comfort of company, I hope, is always nourishing). So this Father's Day is special to me, as all Father's Days should be, because I have the memory of coming together with my family at the end of every day and sharing a meal together, and my father is an inextricable part of that. More than that, I know that that memory is part of what has kept my spirits up this past year at school.
All this is a lead-up to something I will hopefully keep short, I've written for quite a long time. I think about the Friday night sabbath dinners that I share with a family that I am friends with here at school. The family considers Friday night into Saturday evening sabbath, in a way to return to ancient tradition but also because, as ministers-in-training, Sundays are not exactly work-free. Though I don't see the family a whole lot during the week, those Friday evenings are incredibly special to me. For a few hours out of the week, I feel like I have a family away from home. But it's more than that. In the prayers and the breaking of the bread that we do before we partake of the meal, I realize that I am a son of God, part of His grand family. In that realization I also see that sabbath isn't made for us humans simply because it's good for us, but it's meant for us to recharge with God, as if He says, "You should all have a sabbath and remember it because, just as I had a sabbath, my family shall always enjoy a day of rest with me." Every week, then, I have the memory of being part of a family, a nuclear family and God's family, and that is a special thing made more special by knowing that the week will end and allow me to bask in it.
I know that my last post was about taking advantage of the sabbath because it's good for us and not thinking about it as a rule to observe, and I want to reiterate that in a slightly different way. Observing the sabbath, even if you are alone or in a family that is struggling, abusive, or in some other way putting you in serious physically and/or spiritual risk, can remind you that you are still a child of God and a precious member of His family. That is something we should always seek to remember. Just as my family's taking a mini-sabbath every day to share a meal together has been the central originator of my grace and joy, so will sharing a meal with the family of God do for you and for all of us. Or simply saying, "Ok, God, this is so sweet, I've got all my work done for the week so let's hang out!" Then the sabbath will become something you look forward to every week, knowing it is part of what keeps your chin up during the week, your heart pouring out love, and a source of joy, and knowing how incredibly fun spending time with God can be.
Thus ends my mini-series on the sabbath.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
We all need a mentor or two like that...
I've been doing some reflecting recently. It's a time of transition for many friends, colleagues, pastors and mentors. Some folks are graduating and moving on. In the United Methodist Church, at least in the U.S., July 1 marks a time of passage. It's when our appointment year begins and ends. Some retire. Others, newly consecrated or ordained, rise to fill the ranks and answer the call. While I myself am not moving, I do feel like my life is in a bit of an upheaval. One of my mentors is retiring and taking on a new position in the life of the annual conference (grouping of local churches). Another mentor is being moved...to fill the position of the mentor that is retiring...at my home church. It is a time of transition and change for many people. It's positive change, but change just the same.
Yet, amidst all the changes, I am blessed. Blessed to have so many wonderful mentors who care for me deeply. Blessed to have mentors that I have work, home and cell numbers for that I can call whenever I need something. Blessed to have mentors who are learning how to use technology and social networking even though it is out of their comfort zone because they know that this is one direction the Church is headed...and they want to be relevant.
In my class, Leadership and Administration in the Small Church, this past spring semester, the professor said several times that the ideal mentor should be about 15 years older than you--old enough to have some experience, but not so far along that they forget what it was like to be in your position. I gave that some serious thought...because I have several "official" and "unofficial" mentors, and I don't think one of them is 15 years older than me. My two closest mentors--the ones mentioned above--one is about 25 years older than me, and the other is close to 40 years older than me. But that seems to work for us.
I'm open with my friends and family about my relationships with my mentors. It doesn't mean I share everything we talk about, but they know we have a close relationship and that I will often work out or process my thoughts on ministry and life with my mentors before sharing them with the wider world. A few weeks ago, one of my friends asked me a question that has come up before--"How do you find a mentor?" Because people have asked me that several times, I've tried to come up with a satisfactory answer. But the truth is, it isn't clear-cut.
I've had some mentoring relationships established because the mentor saw some type of potential in me and then took a special interest in me to help me grow and develop. For me, this is the most special mentoring relationship because I can feel the love in the relationship--it's not a job, it's a choice.
Other mentors I've kind of latched on to them--I saw something in them that I liked or admired, and approached them to chat...and tried to build up a relationship in this way. For me, this is the most difficult type to maintain--much of the work to maintain the relationship is on me--I have to take the initiative. But it's also acknowledging where I need to grow and who can help me in that.
The third type of mentor I have is one that is assigned to me through the district committee on ordained ministry (DCOM). And they do try to make matches that they think will work for the candidate...sometimes they are right, and sometimes they aren't. The first mentor they assigned me didn't work out very well. She had things going on in her life that kept her from being fully invested in the relationship, and I had bad "vibes" about it from the beginning...so I clammed up and didn't share. After the mentor took early retirement, I was reassigned to another mentor--this time, the match was wonderful! In my experience, this relationship is easier in some ways to maintain because we are required to meet at certain intervals. But there is a sense of duty involved. Also, this mentor is required to report to the DCOM on your status--not necessarily what you talk about, but they are there to help you grow and evaluate your growth.
While none of this exactly answers "how do you find a mentor?," I hope it does provide a basic overview of a few different types of mentoring relationships as they relate to ministry. I also want to emphasize how important it is to have folks you can turn to, who can help guide you, that you can ask all your "stupid" questions to without feeling "stupid." I know that I wouldn't be where I am today without my mentors. They are the people who have encouraged me when I want to quit, ease the burdens when I'm loaded down, answer my questions when I'm not sure how to phrase them, love me when I feel the world is out to get me, share stories from their own experiences to make the journey easier, pray with me and for me and my ministry, saw potential in me when I saw none, and are there for me to call on when I just want to chat. Some of the relationships have transformed over time...from pastor, to mentor, to colleague, to friend. Others are in some stage of that process. But all are special and valuable.
As people move this summer, they are cleaning up and cleaning out. One mentor is cleaning out closets and has offered me the opportunity to see if there is anything I want from "the collection." Another mentor is cleaning out a library that has been established over a period of 45 years in ministry. Some things they are keeping, others they are getting rid of because "they are of no use to anyone"--things like 30 year-old commentaries that use approaches/thoughts not used now. But the rest...the rest of the library is up for grabs. And I have first dibs. I'm not sure what I'm looking for or need. But I plan on saying, "give me anything you think will be useful" and trusting the mentor to provide. Because that's what it's all about--a trusting, mutual relationship. Without trust, there is no mentoring relationship. And I know that this pastor will not intentionally steer me wrong...this pastor has proven that time and time again. We all need a mentor or two like that.
Yet, amidst all the changes, I am blessed. Blessed to have so many wonderful mentors who care for me deeply. Blessed to have mentors that I have work, home and cell numbers for that I can call whenever I need something. Blessed to have mentors who are learning how to use technology and social networking even though it is out of their comfort zone because they know that this is one direction the Church is headed...and they want to be relevant.
In my class, Leadership and Administration in the Small Church, this past spring semester, the professor said several times that the ideal mentor should be about 15 years older than you--old enough to have some experience, but not so far along that they forget what it was like to be in your position. I gave that some serious thought...because I have several "official" and "unofficial" mentors, and I don't think one of them is 15 years older than me. My two closest mentors--the ones mentioned above--one is about 25 years older than me, and the other is close to 40 years older than me. But that seems to work for us.
I'm open with my friends and family about my relationships with my mentors. It doesn't mean I share everything we talk about, but they know we have a close relationship and that I will often work out or process my thoughts on ministry and life with my mentors before sharing them with the wider world. A few weeks ago, one of my friends asked me a question that has come up before--"How do you find a mentor?" Because people have asked me that several times, I've tried to come up with a satisfactory answer. But the truth is, it isn't clear-cut.
I've had some mentoring relationships established because the mentor saw some type of potential in me and then took a special interest in me to help me grow and develop. For me, this is the most special mentoring relationship because I can feel the love in the relationship--it's not a job, it's a choice.
Other mentors I've kind of latched on to them--I saw something in them that I liked or admired, and approached them to chat...and tried to build up a relationship in this way. For me, this is the most difficult type to maintain--much of the work to maintain the relationship is on me--I have to take the initiative. But it's also acknowledging where I need to grow and who can help me in that.
The third type of mentor I have is one that is assigned to me through the district committee on ordained ministry (DCOM). And they do try to make matches that they think will work for the candidate...sometimes they are right, and sometimes they aren't. The first mentor they assigned me didn't work out very well. She had things going on in her life that kept her from being fully invested in the relationship, and I had bad "vibes" about it from the beginning...so I clammed up and didn't share. After the mentor took early retirement, I was reassigned to another mentor--this time, the match was wonderful! In my experience, this relationship is easier in some ways to maintain because we are required to meet at certain intervals. But there is a sense of duty involved. Also, this mentor is required to report to the DCOM on your status--not necessarily what you talk about, but they are there to help you grow and evaluate your growth.
While none of this exactly answers "how do you find a mentor?," I hope it does provide a basic overview of a few different types of mentoring relationships as they relate to ministry. I also want to emphasize how important it is to have folks you can turn to, who can help guide you, that you can ask all your "stupid" questions to without feeling "stupid." I know that I wouldn't be where I am today without my mentors. They are the people who have encouraged me when I want to quit, ease the burdens when I'm loaded down, answer my questions when I'm not sure how to phrase them, love me when I feel the world is out to get me, share stories from their own experiences to make the journey easier, pray with me and for me and my ministry, saw potential in me when I saw none, and are there for me to call on when I just want to chat. Some of the relationships have transformed over time...from pastor, to mentor, to colleague, to friend. Others are in some stage of that process. But all are special and valuable.
As people move this summer, they are cleaning up and cleaning out. One mentor is cleaning out closets and has offered me the opportunity to see if there is anything I want from "the collection." Another mentor is cleaning out a library that has been established over a period of 45 years in ministry. Some things they are keeping, others they are getting rid of because "they are of no use to anyone"--things like 30 year-old commentaries that use approaches/thoughts not used now. But the rest...the rest of the library is up for grabs. And I have first dibs. I'm not sure what I'm looking for or need. But I plan on saying, "give me anything you think will be useful" and trusting the mentor to provide. Because that's what it's all about--a trusting, mutual relationship. Without trust, there is no mentoring relationship. And I know that this pastor will not intentionally steer me wrong...this pastor has proven that time and time again. We all need a mentor or two like that.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Honoring the Sabbath
Our Creation story is a fascinating thing. Some may have learned that the Jewish-Christian Creation is very similar to other Near/Middle Eastern creation stories, and certainly only one among many creation stories. But there are some major differences. I'll keep things simple here. First of all, our Creation is rare among creation stories in that it does not claim that the world was created out of some conflict or chaos. Genesis claims that God controlled the chaos in order to create, rather than that the chaos led to creation. And so, our Creation has an incredible order to it than other creation stories lack. Take a look at Genesis again and you'll see that each of the first three days corresponds to one of the days four, five, or six. That's only the beginning of the order created, and the order inherent in the story. There are lots of other examples of how tightly ordered the story is, including a whole bunch of weird patterns with the number 3, the number 7, and the number 10. Beyond that, though, our Creation is, as far as I know, the only creation story that does more than try to explain the origins of life and why things are the way they are. Our Creation tells us how to live.
Here's the deal. God rested on the seventh day. That simple fact gets repeated later in Exodus to tell us that, since God rested on the seventh day, so should we rest on the seventh day. But why? You can be the way I used to be and answer that question by saying, "We should rest on the seventh day because God told us so." Or you could answer, in a somewhat similar vein, "We should rest on the seventh day because, since God rested in the seventh day, resting every seven days is part of the natural fabric of the universe." I'm not even sure what that answer means, but both are very deterministic. If we don't do what God tells us, or if we don't follow the order of the universe, then something bad will happen to us. I don't think that's what God has in mind for us.
Read Genesis again and you'll see that the refrain we know so well, "And there was evening, and there was morning. The nth day..." does not show up on the seventh day of rest. It's as if the seventh day never ends. Rob Bell points out that it's somewhat interesting that before God even creates the sun and moon there is evening and morning. How could that be if the things we record day and night, the very measure of our days, are not yet created? Perhaps credence to the argument that, indeed, God's time is not our time... Anyway, you can say that God's rest day not ending is a sign that God has created and God has stepped away from His Creation. Sure, you can say that, but then what about Genesis 2, with God's walking around the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve talking to them? What about God's coming to Moses in the Burning Bush? What about all the other jazz that signals God's being in this world with us throughout the Bible? Probably better to think of Genesis 2, God's walking around and talking with Adam and Eve, is the reason why God's sabbath day never ends.
I firmly believe that God created the world to be in relationship with us. That essentially means that God's sabbath never ends so that He can rest with us, in relationship with us. Many people think that there are two Creation stories in Genesis, the first being Genesis 1, the second being Genesis 2 and 3. I believe that Genesis 2 and 3 is simply an explanation of why God's sabbath day never ends. It never ends because He wants to spend as much time as possible among and with us in relationship, loving us and being loved. What I'm trying to get at is that Genesis shows us that God's whole being is geared toward being in relationship with us. God so wants to be in relationship with us that, from the beginning as we see in Genesis 1, He tells us to spread and multiply. Spreading and multiplying is a theme repeated again and again in the Jewish Bible. God wants us to spread and multiply so that He can be in relationship with as many of us as possible to bring joy to Himself and to His Creation, but also so that we can share in the joy of creating and in the multiplying blessings of God's creations, God's children. You see, to create humans God breathes His spirit into us, so that every human we meet is a vessel of God's spirit, God's presence. The more of us there are, the more opportunity we have to be in relationship with God and vice versa. The fabric of life is ordered so that loving relationships with God and God's children can abound.
When God tells us to honor the sabbath, then, I don't think we should consider it a command that must be followed. Rather, I think we need to consider honoring the sabbath as necessary to remember how special our relationship with God truly is, that everything around us was created so that we can have the ultimate joy of spending time with God and so that He can have the ultimate joy of spending time with us. The harm of not honoring the sabbath is that you're missing out on something truly incredible. You can work and work and work to accomplish a lot, and you probably will accomplish a lot, but if you don't take a sabbath you won't remember how special that relationship is, you won't have the right perspective on why you're working, you won't have the joy of life that God so dearly wants for us. Without rest we can't properly reflect on our lives and God's presence in that life. Without reflection, we lose the sense that everything we do, we do it intentionally. Then, whether we like to admit it or not, we become machines, stuck in a routine of living that doesn't leave room for God's presence and doesn't leave room for God's potentially radically changing our path in life to more fully fill us with hope, peace, and joy.
It's no coincidence that memory is also a big theme throughout the Jewish Bible, and is still a major practice in the Jewish tradition. God knows that without remembering, without reflecting, we'll lose the sense that God's presence is here with us, here in us, and we'll lose that great joy that only comes with being in relationship with God, and in being in real relationship with God's children. Not only that, but clearly resting for an entire day is the best way to really have fun with God and His children. Take a Saturday and Sunday to spend outside and watch squirrels chase each other, you can't help but laugh and giggle.
I encourage us, then, to honor the sabbath. Let us not honor the sabbath as a command, but as an acknowledgment that God knows what is best for us. Remember, Jesus says that the sabbath was made for man, not man for the sabbath. The sabbath is for us. Honor and remember the sabbath and rest, and in so doing we will see God and see ourselves with much more clarity, much more love, and we'll be able to go out into the world with a deep peace.
Here's the deal. God rested on the seventh day. That simple fact gets repeated later in Exodus to tell us that, since God rested on the seventh day, so should we rest on the seventh day. But why? You can be the way I used to be and answer that question by saying, "We should rest on the seventh day because God told us so." Or you could answer, in a somewhat similar vein, "We should rest on the seventh day because, since God rested in the seventh day, resting every seven days is part of the natural fabric of the universe." I'm not even sure what that answer means, but both are very deterministic. If we don't do what God tells us, or if we don't follow the order of the universe, then something bad will happen to us. I don't think that's what God has in mind for us.
Read Genesis again and you'll see that the refrain we know so well, "And there was evening, and there was morning. The nth day..." does not show up on the seventh day of rest. It's as if the seventh day never ends. Rob Bell points out that it's somewhat interesting that before God even creates the sun and moon there is evening and morning. How could that be if the things we record day and night, the very measure of our days, are not yet created? Perhaps credence to the argument that, indeed, God's time is not our time... Anyway, you can say that God's rest day not ending is a sign that God has created and God has stepped away from His Creation. Sure, you can say that, but then what about Genesis 2, with God's walking around the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve talking to them? What about God's coming to Moses in the Burning Bush? What about all the other jazz that signals God's being in this world with us throughout the Bible? Probably better to think of Genesis 2, God's walking around and talking with Adam and Eve, is the reason why God's sabbath day never ends.
I firmly believe that God created the world to be in relationship with us. That essentially means that God's sabbath never ends so that He can rest with us, in relationship with us. Many people think that there are two Creation stories in Genesis, the first being Genesis 1, the second being Genesis 2 and 3. I believe that Genesis 2 and 3 is simply an explanation of why God's sabbath day never ends. It never ends because He wants to spend as much time as possible among and with us in relationship, loving us and being loved. What I'm trying to get at is that Genesis shows us that God's whole being is geared toward being in relationship with us. God so wants to be in relationship with us that, from the beginning as we see in Genesis 1, He tells us to spread and multiply. Spreading and multiplying is a theme repeated again and again in the Jewish Bible. God wants us to spread and multiply so that He can be in relationship with as many of us as possible to bring joy to Himself and to His Creation, but also so that we can share in the joy of creating and in the multiplying blessings of God's creations, God's children. You see, to create humans God breathes His spirit into us, so that every human we meet is a vessel of God's spirit, God's presence. The more of us there are, the more opportunity we have to be in relationship with God and vice versa. The fabric of life is ordered so that loving relationships with God and God's children can abound.
When God tells us to honor the sabbath, then, I don't think we should consider it a command that must be followed. Rather, I think we need to consider honoring the sabbath as necessary to remember how special our relationship with God truly is, that everything around us was created so that we can have the ultimate joy of spending time with God and so that He can have the ultimate joy of spending time with us. The harm of not honoring the sabbath is that you're missing out on something truly incredible. You can work and work and work to accomplish a lot, and you probably will accomplish a lot, but if you don't take a sabbath you won't remember how special that relationship is, you won't have the right perspective on why you're working, you won't have the joy of life that God so dearly wants for us. Without rest we can't properly reflect on our lives and God's presence in that life. Without reflection, we lose the sense that everything we do, we do it intentionally. Then, whether we like to admit it or not, we become machines, stuck in a routine of living that doesn't leave room for God's presence and doesn't leave room for God's potentially radically changing our path in life to more fully fill us with hope, peace, and joy.
It's no coincidence that memory is also a big theme throughout the Jewish Bible, and is still a major practice in the Jewish tradition. God knows that without remembering, without reflecting, we'll lose the sense that God's presence is here with us, here in us, and we'll lose that great joy that only comes with being in relationship with God, and in being in real relationship with God's children. Not only that, but clearly resting for an entire day is the best way to really have fun with God and His children. Take a Saturday and Sunday to spend outside and watch squirrels chase each other, you can't help but laugh and giggle.
I encourage us, then, to honor the sabbath. Let us not honor the sabbath as a command, but as an acknowledgment that God knows what is best for us. Remember, Jesus says that the sabbath was made for man, not man for the sabbath. The sabbath is for us. Honor and remember the sabbath and rest, and in so doing we will see God and see ourselves with much more clarity, much more love, and we'll be able to go out into the world with a deep peace.
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