Last time I blogged here I finished by asking the question, "does the individual change to match the call, or does the call change to match the individual?" I still don't have an answer to this...but I've had some new revelations. I'm blogging now because I'm procrastinating on my work...sometime in the next few days (AKA, a Friday night spent doing homework, a Saturday at the funeral of a friend's grandma, leading 2 worship services on Sunday morning, and a dentist appointment on Monday morning before driving 2+ hours to classes Monday afternoon), I need to read 12 chapters of Genesis, all of 1 & 2 Thessalonians, Philippians and Philemon, in addition to about 350 pages of secondary source material on everything ranging from scripture to church history to worship to stewardship in small churches. Hence the reason I'm procrastinating.
This week was the first week that I had to manage both pastoring and school. Now, I should explain that I'm used to hard work. I've been working since I was 16 years old. In college, I worked 5 part-time jobs at the same time. I've never been one to shy away from a challenge. But I must say that I am exhausted. Even if I didn't have all my work to do, I still wouldn't want to go out tonight...I don't have the energy. My seminary is about 2 hours away from my churches (with no traffic...which in this area is like impossible). Monday I had to do all the beginning of the semester stuff--get IDs validated, buy books, register my card at the library, get keys to commuter housing, etc. Then I had classes from 1:30-8:30pm. I went back and chilled with people for a while, went to bed around midnight and got up early. On Tuesday, I had classes/chapel/meals/meetings continuously from 8:30am-10pm. Then I had to drive home. I got to bed around 2am. Wednesday, I got up, worked on my bulletin and sermon for Sunday, and then had to drive back to campus that afternoon/evening for my once-per-month class that night. I got in after midnight again. Thursday I finished the sermon, copied, folded and stuffed bulletins, went to visit choir practice at 2 churches and schmooze a bit. I was supposed to have a meeting with a pastor friend on either Thursday or Friday, but he got sick...so that was cancelled. Today, I stopped by one church to help set up for a Bible study that starts this week (God is amazing! In a congregation of 20 people, we have 15 people signed up for a Bible study...including a couple of people from outside of the congregation!). I sometime need to finish looking at the curriculum they picked and then asked me to lead. (All of Genesis in 10 weeks).
So now that you are thoroughly bored with my life and schedule...here's the point. I have always LOVED academia. Like, I was the one who started jumping up and down (literally!) when professors assigned research papers...it's how I learn best, and I adore learning! And I still enjoy learning. I enjoy my classes (for the most part) when I'm in them...especially when they are small and have lots of interaction (not as much lecture). But I don't enjoy all the work I have. My mind keeps wandering to the next sermon I can't wait to start writing...or how my small churches can better let the community know we exist...or what to say to the man dying from cancer...or how to re-design worship to make it more exciting...or how I can find more people my age to bring to church...especially these churches...or where the money can come from in the budget to provide scholarships to kids to go to summer church camp...or daydreaming about the day I can actually consecrate communion...you get the idea. My mind drifts away from classes to actual ministry. I want to see the growth (both spiritually and numerically) in my churches. I want to be more effective as their pastor. I want to help the community around us find Christ in their lives. I don't want to read about it. I'm an action-oriented person.
So where is this going, you might ask...well...I'm wondering about my changing call...or me changing to better match my call. I'm wondering if perhaps I'm not called to full-time academia after all. Perhaps I'm called to local church ministry (which, if you had asked me even 6 weeks ago, I would have said, "Absolutely not!" I wouldn't have even considered it a possibility.). A few months ago, I was sitting in a small UMC congregation during a Sunday morning worship service. The church had maybe 20 or 25 people there...in a sanctuary designed to hold several hundred. The whole place needed some TLC...but you could see that at one time, it was absolutely gorgeous! I was trying to pay attention to the sermon...but my mind wandered because I was unhappy that the pastor said that women have achieved full-inclusion and equal status in the UMC as clergy. While that's true on paper, women are still fighting for equal pay, equal representation as clergy in large churches, and against many congregants who don't believe women should be in the pulpit. Rather than letting myself get angry, I chose to let my mind wander. I started looking at the cross...thinking about Christ's sacrifice for us. And I began praying about my call...I said to God, "Lord, this worship service is dead. People aren't engaged. The message is not inspiring. If this is what is going on in churches across the country, there's no question why churches are losing members and worship attendees. I could do better than this." And with that, I heard God speaking to me. (Yeah, I audibly hear God sometimes...it's pretty strange, and I can't explain it...no, I promise, I'm not psycho!) God told me, "I know you can do better than this, and you will." I replied, "God, are you telling me what I think you're telling me? I don't want to be in a local church! I'm called to academia...I'm good at that...I like that." (I knew better than to say that I wasn't going to do something...cuz I know that I'd definitely end up doing that!) God chuckled a bit and said, "You will do better. You will go where you are called." I said, "God, are you trying to tell me that I'm going to end up in a local church?!?! You're crazy!" I then got an image in my mind of God smiling. And that was the end of our conversation for the moment.
I'm absolutely happy and content serving my two churches. I love it! (Even when challenges arise, even when the same guy talks my ear off each week, even when the 3-person choir sings off-key every week, even when I can't use the upstairs bathroom in the 200 year old parsonage because the floor slopes 35 degrees...even when I'm exhausted from copying bulletins at 11pm on a Saturday night and get stopped by a cop wondering what I'm doing--true story--, even when...) I'm happier than I've been in months. I'm busy, yes, but I feel like I have a purpose. I'm serving. I had missed that in the fall semester...I didn't feel satisfied. I missed leading Bible studies and participating fully in worship. I tried to go to a different church (or at least a different service) each week...to get a better idea of how others structured worship. I was fairly successful at this (and I do recommend doing this on occassion...it helps you to realize that there are other ways of doing stuff), but I felt a disconnect from a steady worshipping body. One of the services I went to, the Spirit was so alive, the worship amazing, the people friendly, I broke down in tears 6 times in ther service because I missed that so much.
Now that I'm serving as a pastor, I'm starting to feel myself come back to life! My energy returns, and I'm happy, joyful, content and satisfied. Is that conversation in October with God coming to fruition? I don't know. What I do know is that a pile of books awaits me...and God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
When the Fan has been Hit by Crap...
Our fearless leader has asked us to write in response to a quotation from Dietrich Bonhoeffer. I will most certainly do that, but work it into what I wanted to write in the first place, since it all works together, I think.
First of all, to the other blog writers, I apologize for not reading your posts. I think that if I expect other people to read mine I should be reading all the posts, too, which would then potentially make my posts even more interesting. Woops...
Anyway, believing in a God who intervenes in our lives on a regular basis is not as great as you might think. First of all, I hate the word "intervenes" in this case, because it's not as if God stops us from doing anything or enters into our lives for the worse. He always provides us with signs and guidance, but then steps away to let us do our own thing.
But doing our own thing can be very painful when it's not in accord with what God wants for us. Must we always do what God wants for us? No. And sometimes I believe there are many choices in our lives that God doesn't really care about. For instance, I doubt God cares a whole lot about whether we attend Metropolitan United Methodist Church or First United Methodist Church of so-and-so. (By the way, it's unbelievable how often these blogs automatically save drafts, wow...) When God does care, though, He cares not because He wants to dominate our lives and prove to Himself that He owns us, He cares because He truly wants us to be happy, peaceful, and loving. When we're making a choice, consciously or unconsciously, that may have serious impact on our well-being--physical, spiritual, and emotional-- God enters into our lives to guide our choice. I also believe God enters into our lives sometimes just to be with us, like a father would with a child. No father is only going to talk to his son or daughter when they need help.
Again, we don't always need to do what God wants for us, but most of the time we will be very frustrated with ourselves for not listening. Even if you don't believe God enters into our lives, don't you sometimes have that, "My Savior Jesus Christ probably didn't die for me so I could do this..." thought? I have that thought all the friggin time... though it rarely stops me, so I go ahead and do the thing anyway, and then feel terrible afterward. God doesn't want us to feel terrible, that's why He has given us a book to live by and that's why He tries guiding us. Thankfully, that's also why He sent His son to die for us, so we can repent and be forgiven.
Let me get to my story. As of a week and a half ago, I had a girlfriend that I really loved and cared about more than anything in the whole wide world (well, except for God and His Creation). Because of certain aspects of my personality, I was worried that I would really hurt her irreparably and I didn't think it was something we could work out. Since hurting her immensely is the last thing I wanted to happen, I decided to break it off.
The decision had been looming darker and darker for about a week, starting right before football playoffs began. All the teams I wanted to win that first weekend lost, badly. Then all the teams I wanted to win the second weekend lost, badly. I was 0 for 8.
Now, I believe I said in my last blog that I believe God works through football and sports in general, whether you do or not is up to you, but I believe it. Being 0 for 8 was very strange. Add to that the fact that I was hurting being separated from my love more than I thought I would be. You see, I thought I had done the right thing for her, and therefore the right thing for me and for us as well. Thinking that, I didn't expect to be such a wreck. I expected that God would be happy that I did the right thing and grant me some peace. Peace never came, though I tried stubbornly holding onto the thought that I had done the right thing. Of course, I should have known I had done the right thing when I had the thought, "Hmm, are all my teams losing because God wants me to know that my mind isn't in the right place?" I didn't acknowledge that thought, though I had it wandering in the back of my mind quite a bit.
It comes as no surprise to me that, after telling my certain someone (soon to be my Valentine) the real reason why I had broken it off and she said we should work through it and we got back together yay!, both the teams I wanted to win in the playoffs won this weekend. Again, maybe I'm just superstitious, but I really believe that God was sending me signs that I was doing the wrong thing and it was inconsistent with His plan for us. And when I finally acknowledged that, I do believe God sent me a sign that things were back to normal, that I was back on track. And I do believe that the immeasurable pain both she and I felt was a result of my rejecting God's plan.
It is nice having something to hold onto, to believe that God is up there and cares about us. But it's not so nice sometimes. I now scrutinize every little thing I do. "Did God want that, or not?" I am constantly battling depression, desperation, confusion, guilt, regret, and heart-ache like I did this past week because I just don't know what God wants sometimes. Most of the time, actually. And it kills me. Sometimes I wish I didn't believe that God comes down to us and gives us signs and guidance about what to do because then I wouldn't be so obsessed with following His plan. I can't let it go, because believing what I do I feel obligated to follow God every step of the way. I can't reject God's call for me. Sometimes, though, I question whether I've read the signs correctly, or whether the "signs" were really God at all. This week has made me question everything I believe has led me to this point in my life to be at seminary. Does God really want me to be a pastor? I don't friggin know. All I know at the moment is that I did the right thing with my girlfriend, but I have to reevaluate everything else in my life. Hopefully that will make me stronger in faith, but we shall see.
Also, sometimes, like at the moment, I feel as if I've been swimming along in a dream world, acting upon impulse and not consciously in faith making any decision. That, too, brings guilt and depression. Maybe it's a sign that God is guiding me along, carrying me, but then I feel as if I don't have free will; maybe it just means that I'm not consciously paying attention to God's will, and then I feel depressed for not pausing and spending time with God.
At this point, I'd like to finally talk about Kate's prompt, which I'm hoping she's posting so I don't keep talking about with no reference. You can only answer your call alone. I believe that. I believe I am alone with God trying to figure out what He wants me to do, not just with my general call in life but with every major choice I make. No one can help me. All people can do is ask, "How do you feel in your gut?" Oftentimes that's not what I want to hear. I don't want to hear it because what I feel in my gut and what I think in my head are most likely at odds, especially if we add to the mix my natural inclinations (a.k.a. "the ways of the world"). The earthly side of me often wants one thing and my gut wants another. The earthly side often wins, and then I feel terrible.
It's an inner struggle that must be dealt with on my own with God. In my particular situation I've been telling about, I should have listened to my gut, to God. Again, I didn't. I listened to more earthly things, and my mind backed it up. That struggle between God and my own natural wants was not easy. It's never easy. It's not easy standing before God saying, "Here I am, broken, defeated, now tell me what you want because I can't do this on my own," and then actually listening. What I most want is for God to back me up, not tell me something completely new. But there I am, alone before God, having no one to blame but myself for not listening. But if I don't appear before God alone, then I will never know what He wants. I would never have known that I did the wrong thing and I would have gone through life feeling empty because I had broken God's plan.
And alone I must reevaluate my life. Alone I must purify myself of all this is earthly so that I can listen to God's plan, really listen. It will be a long struggle. A struggle strife with doubt over whether I'm hearing God correctly or not, if I'm reading His miraculous entries into my life correctly. A struggle I'm not worthy to undertake... as I write this I become more and more aware of my unworthiness, more and more aware that I cannot stand alone before God because of what I've done in my past. But I know that the only way I can have joy back, to have my freedom back, is if I ask for forgiveness and return to God and His path.
"I want to be free. I want to write my own ticket. But I know I can't. There is this voice haunting me, and it keeps repeating the same thing in my head, over and over again. I have no choice to succumb to it. There is no freedom in this world, this life, apart from Me."
-Andrew Schwab, Project 86
First of all, to the other blog writers, I apologize for not reading your posts. I think that if I expect other people to read mine I should be reading all the posts, too, which would then potentially make my posts even more interesting. Woops...
Anyway, believing in a God who intervenes in our lives on a regular basis is not as great as you might think. First of all, I hate the word "intervenes" in this case, because it's not as if God stops us from doing anything or enters into our lives for the worse. He always provides us with signs and guidance, but then steps away to let us do our own thing.
But doing our own thing can be very painful when it's not in accord with what God wants for us. Must we always do what God wants for us? No. And sometimes I believe there are many choices in our lives that God doesn't really care about. For instance, I doubt God cares a whole lot about whether we attend Metropolitan United Methodist Church or First United Methodist Church of so-and-so. (By the way, it's unbelievable how often these blogs automatically save drafts, wow...) When God does care, though, He cares not because He wants to dominate our lives and prove to Himself that He owns us, He cares because He truly wants us to be happy, peaceful, and loving. When we're making a choice, consciously or unconsciously, that may have serious impact on our well-being--physical, spiritual, and emotional-- God enters into our lives to guide our choice. I also believe God enters into our lives sometimes just to be with us, like a father would with a child. No father is only going to talk to his son or daughter when they need help.
Again, we don't always need to do what God wants for us, but most of the time we will be very frustrated with ourselves for not listening. Even if you don't believe God enters into our lives, don't you sometimes have that, "My Savior Jesus Christ probably didn't die for me so I could do this..." thought? I have that thought all the friggin time... though it rarely stops me, so I go ahead and do the thing anyway, and then feel terrible afterward. God doesn't want us to feel terrible, that's why He has given us a book to live by and that's why He tries guiding us. Thankfully, that's also why He sent His son to die for us, so we can repent and be forgiven.
Let me get to my story. As of a week and a half ago, I had a girlfriend that I really loved and cared about more than anything in the whole wide world (well, except for God and His Creation). Because of certain aspects of my personality, I was worried that I would really hurt her irreparably and I didn't think it was something we could work out. Since hurting her immensely is the last thing I wanted to happen, I decided to break it off.
The decision had been looming darker and darker for about a week, starting right before football playoffs began. All the teams I wanted to win that first weekend lost, badly. Then all the teams I wanted to win the second weekend lost, badly. I was 0 for 8.
Now, I believe I said in my last blog that I believe God works through football and sports in general, whether you do or not is up to you, but I believe it. Being 0 for 8 was very strange. Add to that the fact that I was hurting being separated from my love more than I thought I would be. You see, I thought I had done the right thing for her, and therefore the right thing for me and for us as well. Thinking that, I didn't expect to be such a wreck. I expected that God would be happy that I did the right thing and grant me some peace. Peace never came, though I tried stubbornly holding onto the thought that I had done the right thing. Of course, I should have known I had done the right thing when I had the thought, "Hmm, are all my teams losing because God wants me to know that my mind isn't in the right place?" I didn't acknowledge that thought, though I had it wandering in the back of my mind quite a bit.
It comes as no surprise to me that, after telling my certain someone (soon to be my Valentine) the real reason why I had broken it off and she said we should work through it and we got back together yay!, both the teams I wanted to win in the playoffs won this weekend. Again, maybe I'm just superstitious, but I really believe that God was sending me signs that I was doing the wrong thing and it was inconsistent with His plan for us. And when I finally acknowledged that, I do believe God sent me a sign that things were back to normal, that I was back on track. And I do believe that the immeasurable pain both she and I felt was a result of my rejecting God's plan.
It is nice having something to hold onto, to believe that God is up there and cares about us. But it's not so nice sometimes. I now scrutinize every little thing I do. "Did God want that, or not?" I am constantly battling depression, desperation, confusion, guilt, regret, and heart-ache like I did this past week because I just don't know what God wants sometimes. Most of the time, actually. And it kills me. Sometimes I wish I didn't believe that God comes down to us and gives us signs and guidance about what to do because then I wouldn't be so obsessed with following His plan. I can't let it go, because believing what I do I feel obligated to follow God every step of the way. I can't reject God's call for me. Sometimes, though, I question whether I've read the signs correctly, or whether the "signs" were really God at all. This week has made me question everything I believe has led me to this point in my life to be at seminary. Does God really want me to be a pastor? I don't friggin know. All I know at the moment is that I did the right thing with my girlfriend, but I have to reevaluate everything else in my life. Hopefully that will make me stronger in faith, but we shall see.
Also, sometimes, like at the moment, I feel as if I've been swimming along in a dream world, acting upon impulse and not consciously in faith making any decision. That, too, brings guilt and depression. Maybe it's a sign that God is guiding me along, carrying me, but then I feel as if I don't have free will; maybe it just means that I'm not consciously paying attention to God's will, and then I feel depressed for not pausing and spending time with God.
At this point, I'd like to finally talk about Kate's prompt, which I'm hoping she's posting so I don't keep talking about with no reference. You can only answer your call alone. I believe that. I believe I am alone with God trying to figure out what He wants me to do, not just with my general call in life but with every major choice I make. No one can help me. All people can do is ask, "How do you feel in your gut?" Oftentimes that's not what I want to hear. I don't want to hear it because what I feel in my gut and what I think in my head are most likely at odds, especially if we add to the mix my natural inclinations (a.k.a. "the ways of the world"). The earthly side of me often wants one thing and my gut wants another. The earthly side often wins, and then I feel terrible.
It's an inner struggle that must be dealt with on my own with God. In my particular situation I've been telling about, I should have listened to my gut, to God. Again, I didn't. I listened to more earthly things, and my mind backed it up. That struggle between God and my own natural wants was not easy. It's never easy. It's not easy standing before God saying, "Here I am, broken, defeated, now tell me what you want because I can't do this on my own," and then actually listening. What I most want is for God to back me up, not tell me something completely new. But there I am, alone before God, having no one to blame but myself for not listening. But if I don't appear before God alone, then I will never know what He wants. I would never have known that I did the wrong thing and I would have gone through life feeling empty because I had broken God's plan.
And alone I must reevaluate my life. Alone I must purify myself of all this is earthly so that I can listen to God's plan, really listen. It will be a long struggle. A struggle strife with doubt over whether I'm hearing God correctly or not, if I'm reading His miraculous entries into my life correctly. A struggle I'm not worthy to undertake... as I write this I become more and more aware of my unworthiness, more and more aware that I cannot stand alone before God because of what I've done in my past. But I know that the only way I can have joy back, to have my freedom back, is if I ask for forgiveness and return to God and His path.
"I want to be free. I want to write my own ticket. But I know I can't. There is this voice haunting me, and it keeps repeating the same thing in my head, over and over again. I have no choice to succumb to it. There is no freedom in this world, this life, apart from Me."
-Andrew Schwab, Project 86
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Who We Are
Since this is a collaborative blog, keeping track of who is who and who is doing what can get a little confusing. So here's a little bit about each of our contributors (updated as of March 2011):
Kate Mackereth is our fearless leader, founder and blog administrator. She is originally from Frederick, Maryland and is currently living in Washington, DC while attending Wesley Theological Seminary. Kate is a certified candidate for elder's orders in the UMC and will undergo her provisional ordination exams early next year (yikes!). She currently serves Mt. Zion United Methodist Church of Highland, MD as their Director of Youth Ministries and pastoral intern. Kate serves the Wesley Seminary community as president of Wesley Fellowship, and recently accepted an invitation to serve on a conference-wide board working to promote concepts of call and vocation throughout the Baltimore-Washington Conference. Kate is also a gifted singer and musician. You can follow her on Twitter at twitter.com/tattooedpastor
Amanda Jean is a current Masters of Arts student at Wesley Theological Seminary, and will marry her future husband, Andrew, this May. She grew up in a small town in Western Massachusetts and moved to Washington, D.C. to attend seminary two years ago. For almost four years prior to coming to seminary, Amanda worked at her local church in Massachusetts as a volunteer Youth Director. Although her church was small, she had a solid 8 member junior high youth group. Amanda hopes to use her seminary degree to assist churches in developing and improving their Christian Education programs, and also enjoys writing curriculum for youth and children's classes. In her spare time, Amanda enjoys cooking a wide variety of foods, and is also planning her upcoming wedding!
Beth Ludlum is Director of Recruitment at Wesley Theological Seminary and a 5th-year Master of Divinity student. A Kansas farm girl at heart, Beth has fallen in love with the city and has done extensive vocational exploration by working in coffeeshops, on Capitol Hill, for a national nonprofit, as a home healthcare provider, and as a teacher in China before landing in the blessed realm of seminary admissions. For her day job, she loves listening to people’s stories and participating in the discernment process with prospective students; in her free time, she runs, reads, studies, and travels extensively. When she’s not on the road or dogsitting/housesitting/
Bonnie McCubbin is a native of Harford County, Maryland and very proud to be serving a student appointment in her native area at the Deer Creek Charge as the youngest pastor in her conference. She is a life-long United Methodist and seeking ordination as an elder. Bonnie is also a student at Wesley Theological Seminary in Washington, DC. She is passionate about retreat and camping ministries; the arts in worship; bringing together faith and the environment; and connecting local churches with Methodist history.
Cody Natland grew up attending Selah United Methodist Church in Selah, Washington and after spending his first year of divinity studies at Boston University, transferred to Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary in Louisville, KY in 2010. He plans to return to the Pacific Northwest after finishing seminary and plans to be an elder in the United Methodist Church. Cody is especially passionate about camping ministry, campus ministry, and ministry with young adults. He is hopeful and excited about changes that he believes he will see in the church during his lifetime and leadership. While his time is usually spent reading textbooks and spending time with his new bride Crystal, he also enjoys reading, movies, and snowshoeing. Cody is excited about where the mysterious process of answering God’s call will take him during this crazy journey.
Joey Heath - "I am the product of a traditional southern household having spent most of my growing up years living in south Georgia. In addition to being southern I am also an army brat meaning my dad served in the army for the first 10 years of my life. I am also a graduate of Valdosta State University with a degree in political science. In May 2008 I attended the United Methodist General Conference and it was there I recieved my calling to go to seminary. I accepted this calling and I am currently a seminary student at Wesley Theological Seminary. I believe God has called to be a prophetic voice on issues of LGBTQ equality in the church. All are beloved created children of God and should be accept as such. The diversity of God's creation is beautiful and includes our LGBTQ brothers and sisters. My committment is to see that LGBTQ people are fully included in the church and that they know that God loves them and created them."
John Lucy is a youngin Master of Divinity student as Wesley Theological Seminary, who loves jokes (especially Mitch Hedberg and Steven Wright) and prefers to explain the awkward existence of giraffes by arguing they arrived from Neptune on a conveyor belt. Mr. Lucy finds much of his spiritual inspiration from literature, particularly Dylan Thomas and J.R.R. Tolkien. He loves to think of himself as the next Oscar Wilde and likes to think that he brings fresh and challenging, yet mostly traditional, ideas to the table. Currently he spends his free-time walking, training for the Appalachian Trail, and doing his best to be famous via authoring.
Matt Burke grew up in Christ United Methodist Church of Frederick, MD and graduated from Grove City College with a degree in Christian Thought and a minor in Christian Ministries. Once he completes seminary at Reformed Theological Seminary in Charlotte, NC, he is looking to be ordained in a Reformed denomination (probably Presbyterian Church of America or ARP).
Steve Humphrey is our newest (and oldest...happy 41st birthday!) blog contributor. He is an ordained elder of the UMC and was recently reappointed from Walkersville UMC in Walkersville to Union Chapel UMC in Joppa, MD. Steve is married to a wonderful woman named Rebecca and has four children. Steve also serves his conference as a member of his local District Committee on Ordained Ministry and as a candidacy mentor (Kate's candidacy mentor, in fact - for which the rest of our blog community extends its condolences). He is currently working on his first book.
Kate Mackereth is our fearless leader, founder and blog administrator. She is originally from Frederick, Maryland and is currently living in Washington, DC while attending Wesley Theological Seminary. Kate is a certified candidate for elder's orders in the UMC and will undergo her provisional ordination exams early next year (yikes!). She currently serves Mt. Zion United Methodist Church of Highland, MD as their Director of Youth Ministries and pastoral intern. Kate serves the Wesley Seminary community as president of Wesley Fellowship, and recently accepted an invitation to serve on a conference-wide board working to promote concepts of call and vocation throughout the Baltimore-Washington Conference. Kate is also a gifted singer and musician. You can follow her on Twitter at twitter.com/tattooedpastor
Amanda Jean is a current Masters of Arts student at Wesley Theological Seminary, and will marry her future husband, Andrew, this May. She grew up in a small town in Western Massachusetts and moved to Washington, D.C. to attend seminary two years ago. For almost four years prior to coming to seminary, Amanda worked at her local church in Massachusetts as a volunteer Youth Director. Although her church was small, she had a solid 8 member junior high youth group. Amanda hopes to use her seminary degree to assist churches in developing and improving their Christian Education programs, and also enjoys writing curriculum for youth and children's classes. In her spare time, Amanda enjoys cooking a wide variety of foods, and is also planning her upcoming wedding!
Beth Ludlum is Director of Recruitment at Wesley Theological Seminary and a 5th-year Master of Divinity student. A Kansas farm girl at heart, Beth has fallen in love with the city and has done extensive vocational exploration by working in coffeeshops, on Capitol Hill, for a national nonprofit, as a home healthcare provider, and as a teacher in China before landing in the blessed realm of seminary admissions. For her day job, she loves listening to people’s stories and participating in the discernment process with prospective students; in her free time, she runs, reads, studies, and travels extensively. When she’s not on the road or dogsitting/housesitting/
Bonnie McCubbin is a native of Harford County, Maryland and very proud to be serving a student appointment in her native area at the Deer Creek Charge as the youngest pastor in her conference. She is a life-long United Methodist and seeking ordination as an elder. Bonnie is also a student at Wesley Theological Seminary in Washington, DC. She is passionate about retreat and camping ministries; the arts in worship; bringing together faith and the environment; and connecting local churches with Methodist history.
Cody Natland grew up attending Selah United Methodist Church in Selah, Washington and after spending his first year of divinity studies at Boston University, transferred to Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary in Louisville, KY in 2010. He plans to return to the Pacific Northwest after finishing seminary and plans to be an elder in the United Methodist Church. Cody is especially passionate about camping ministry, campus ministry, and ministry with young adults. He is hopeful and excited about changes that he believes he will see in the church during his lifetime and leadership. While his time is usually spent reading textbooks and spending time with his new bride Crystal, he also enjoys reading, movies, and snowshoeing. Cody is excited about where the mysterious process of answering God’s call will take him during this crazy journey.
Joey Heath - "I am the product of a traditional southern household having spent most of my growing up years living in south Georgia. In addition to being southern I am also an army brat meaning my dad served in the army for the first 10 years of my life. I am also a graduate of Valdosta State University with a degree in political science. In May 2008 I attended the United Methodist General Conference and it was there I recieved my calling to go to seminary. I accepted this calling and I am currently a seminary student at Wesley Theological Seminary. I believe God has called to be a prophetic voice on issues of LGBTQ equality in the church. All are beloved created children of God and should be accept as such. The diversity of God's creation is beautiful and includes our LGBTQ brothers and sisters. My committment is to see that LGBTQ people are fully included in the church and that they know that God loves them and created them."
John Lucy is a youngin Master of Divinity student as Wesley Theological Seminary, who loves jokes (especially Mitch Hedberg and Steven Wright) and prefers to explain the awkward existence of giraffes by arguing they arrived from Neptune on a conveyor belt. Mr. Lucy finds much of his spiritual inspiration from literature, particularly Dylan Thomas and J.R.R. Tolkien. He loves to think of himself as the next Oscar Wilde and likes to think that he brings fresh and challenging, yet mostly traditional, ideas to the table. Currently he spends his free-time walking, training for the Appalachian Trail, and doing his best to be famous via authoring.
Matt Burke grew up in Christ United Methodist Church of Frederick, MD and graduated from Grove City College with a degree in Christian Thought and a minor in Christian Ministries. Once he completes seminary at Reformed Theological Seminary in Charlotte, NC, he is looking to be ordained in a Reformed denomination (probably Presbyterian Church of America or ARP).
Steve Humphrey is our newest (and oldest...happy 41st birthday!) blog contributor. He is an ordained elder of the UMC and was recently reappointed from Walkersville UMC in Walkersville to Union Chapel UMC in Joppa, MD. Steve is married to a wonderful woman named Rebecca and has four children. Steve also serves his conference as a member of his local District Committee on Ordained Ministry and as a candidacy mentor (Kate's candidacy mentor, in fact - for which the rest of our blog community extends its condolences). He is currently working on his first book.
Changing: Calls and Individuals
Yesterday was a mile-stone in my journey towards ordination in the UMC. I had my certification interview with the District Committee on Ordained Ministry (DCOM). This is a BIG step in the candidacy process for UMCers...it's kind of a plateau--a goal to reach where you can rest for a while, take a deep breath, and plunge back into the process. Certification affords you additional recognition that your calling is being affirmed, as well as the more tangible--it qualifies you for extra scholarship money :) In my conference, it's up to 50% of tuition.
So...anyway...to make a long story short(er), you fill out all kinds of paperwork (apparently, I was too thorough? I didn't know that was possible...most of it was stuff like your name, address, etc.), and then you go in for an interview where the committee is allowed to grill you. And grill me they did. What was supposed to take no more than 45-minutes from start-to-finish lasted an hour and a half! I felt like I was floundering on many of the questions...I got the usual, "describe your call" (which, if you are thinking about ministry, you get tired of repeating over and over and over and ... again...it's kind of like when you are 7 years old and people keep asking you what grade you're in...or when you're in college and you get tired of saying your major or hometown). Other questions I expected were "so...now that you're serving as a pastor, how's it going? What have you learned? What's challenged you?" Stuff like that. I also learned that apparently giving your call as an image/allegory raises more questions for pastors who are used to thinking in words. They find it interesting, but feel compelled to ask a ton of (seemingly) pointless questions.
Everything seemed to be flowing along ok, until the committee brought up the issue of communion. Now, I must admit, I feel a certain thrill every time I receive communion, and an overflowing joy when I am priveleged to serve it to others. I daydream of the day when I can fully consecrate the elements. I happened to mention this in one of my written responses. Really, the reason I put it in there is not because I have a passion for communion (although I do), but to help solidify my justification for pursuing ordination as an elder who wants to go into extension ministry, and to keep from being pushed into deacon's orders when I don't feel called to that...even though it fits better with the extension ministry ideas. The committee spent a good 20-minutes grilling me on communion and my theology of communion (which I have no clue what mine is...heck, I haven't even taken my worship class at seminary yet!). I flubbed my way through, trying to give the answers they wanted while staying true to myself. It was nearly impossible. At one point, I had 4 pastors all asking me different questions, each searching for their own "catch phrase" answer...and 2 of them were mutally exclusive! Finally it ended, and most of them seemed satisfied when I broke into song (in case you're curious, I used "Big House" from Audio Adrenaline...and yes, I did the motions too..."it's a big, big table, with lots and lots of room!" where we can feast at the heavenly banquet).
I found out later that my mentor said that the committee was "wowed" by my responses (which I'm grateful for...becauase I have no clue what I said...I tried to write it down afterwards, and it was already a blur). Apparently, we have "a few things to work on" before the provisional exams in 2 years...but hey...I'm satisfied for now. (And yes, in case you are wondering, I was "provisionally certified," because the committee is waiting on a bunch of paperwork and docs to make it to my file before they can officially certify me...once that is all complete (which was no fault of mine...miracuously enough...), I will be officially certified).
But one of the questions that really got me thinking afterwards was "how has your calling changed since you were last before the DCOM?" (16-ish months ago). I flubbed my way through some sort of answer that basically said I had come to view pastoral ministry as the foundational piece for all ministry (how could I say otherwise if I'm serving an appointment?!?), and it's true...in the past few months, I've come to value the pastoral ministry more than I did before. But what I found myself wondering later was, "has my calling changed since I was last before the committee?" OR, "have I changed to better match my calling?" I don't have an answer...I'm still searching and discerning...but I thought that is an interesting twist on the question of call...does the call change to match the individual, or does the individual change to match the call? Or is it a combination of both? What do you think?
So...anyway...to make a long story short(er), you fill out all kinds of paperwork (apparently, I was too thorough? I didn't know that was possible...most of it was stuff like your name, address, etc.), and then you go in for an interview where the committee is allowed to grill you. And grill me they did. What was supposed to take no more than 45-minutes from start-to-finish lasted an hour and a half! I felt like I was floundering on many of the questions...I got the usual, "describe your call" (which, if you are thinking about ministry, you get tired of repeating over and over and over and ... again...it's kind of like when you are 7 years old and people keep asking you what grade you're in...or when you're in college and you get tired of saying your major or hometown). Other questions I expected were "so...now that you're serving as a pastor, how's it going? What have you learned? What's challenged you?" Stuff like that. I also learned that apparently giving your call as an image/allegory raises more questions for pastors who are used to thinking in words. They find it interesting, but feel compelled to ask a ton of (seemingly) pointless questions.
Everything seemed to be flowing along ok, until the committee brought up the issue of communion. Now, I must admit, I feel a certain thrill every time I receive communion, and an overflowing joy when I am priveleged to serve it to others. I daydream of the day when I can fully consecrate the elements. I happened to mention this in one of my written responses. Really, the reason I put it in there is not because I have a passion for communion (although I do), but to help solidify my justification for pursuing ordination as an elder who wants to go into extension ministry, and to keep from being pushed into deacon's orders when I don't feel called to that...even though it fits better with the extension ministry ideas. The committee spent a good 20-minutes grilling me on communion and my theology of communion (which I have no clue what mine is...heck, I haven't even taken my worship class at seminary yet!). I flubbed my way through, trying to give the answers they wanted while staying true to myself. It was nearly impossible. At one point, I had 4 pastors all asking me different questions, each searching for their own "catch phrase" answer...and 2 of them were mutally exclusive! Finally it ended, and most of them seemed satisfied when I broke into song (in case you're curious, I used "Big House" from Audio Adrenaline...and yes, I did the motions too..."it's a big, big table, with lots and lots of room!" where we can feast at the heavenly banquet).
I found out later that my mentor said that the committee was "wowed" by my responses (which I'm grateful for...becauase I have no clue what I said...I tried to write it down afterwards, and it was already a blur). Apparently, we have "a few things to work on" before the provisional exams in 2 years...but hey...I'm satisfied for now. (And yes, in case you are wondering, I was "provisionally certified," because the committee is waiting on a bunch of paperwork and docs to make it to my file before they can officially certify me...once that is all complete (which was no fault of mine...miracuously enough...), I will be officially certified).
But one of the questions that really got me thinking afterwards was "how has your calling changed since you were last before the DCOM?" (16-ish months ago). I flubbed my way through some sort of answer that basically said I had come to view pastoral ministry as the foundational piece for all ministry (how could I say otherwise if I'm serving an appointment?!?), and it's true...in the past few months, I've come to value the pastoral ministry more than I did before. But what I found myself wondering later was, "has my calling changed since I was last before the committee?" OR, "have I changed to better match my calling?" I don't have an answer...I'm still searching and discerning...but I thought that is an interesting twist on the question of call...does the call change to match the individual, or does the individual change to match the call? Or is it a combination of both? What do you think?
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Picking a Seminary: Questions to Consider
I've begun the process of choosing a seminary. I have a few potential schools on my list, the first of which I just got back from visiting (read about it here).
- Theological Affinity? Methodist, Baptist, Reformed/Presbyterian, or Roman Catholic?Arminian or Calvinist? Does the seminary have a statement of faith? Does it offer a unified perspective on issues, or is the faculty all over the map theologically? Does it require you to affirm certain doctrines as a requirement for graduation
- Practical Ministry Experience? Number of internship hours required? Number of local churches to work in? Does the school help place you in internships? Are they paid? Does the school itself run ministries?
- Community / Spiritual Development? On-campus housing? Number of students? Accountability or mentorship groups? Professor-student ratio? Do the professors take personal interest in students?
- Academics? Are the academics top notch, run of the mill, or lacking altogether? Are the professors published? Are they top of their field, or relatively unknown?
The Signs and Such
I'll start by saying that I've never read Scripture very much... which is weird, considering I'm very much a Scripture first and everything in the Bible is true (though I struggle with it) type of person. So when my pastor from home (hopefully I won't be using my normal, distracting amount of parentheses here, but I just have to say that I'm from near Boston, which should matter to you because Massachusetts is the greatest state of all time and Boston is, in some ways, a city on a hill to me) asked me about a year into trying to follow my call into ministry whose call in the Bible I related to most, I was stuck.
I couldn't think of anyone but Moses and the "oh Lord I'm not worthy, choose someone else" attitude. To me, that seemed rather generic. Who in their right mind ever responds to God's call by saying, "Heck yeah! Geez, God, I didn't think you'd ever ask, what took you so long????" And then I quickly thought back to when I was thirteen or fourteen, when I told my friends I thought I'd be a pastor when I grew up, a sentiment that I quickly forgot and pushed aside as a young person's dumb dream. I concluded, then, that as generic as Moses' story might be, and thought I didn't know of anyone else's story, I related to Moses. The second I started telling my pastor that, however, something in my gut told me I was lying.
I've always been a gut-oriented, "go with the flow" type of person. I don't mean go with the flow in the sense that I'm laid back and relaxed. I stress out. A lot. Part of the reason I stress out is that I respect and put a lot of focus on my mind and my (our) glorious ability to think and reason. How does any of that fit with being a gut-oriented, "go with the flow" person? Well, I'll tell you.
As much as I don't read Scripture and stress out and put emphasis on my ability to reason, I very thoroughly believe in God's working in the world RIGHT NOW. Miracles, signs, bright lights, voices from above... all of it still happens as we live and breathe. In fact, when I sit down and really think about my life, the fact that I'm alive and breathing and able to ponder the divine and feel pleasure (and, unfortunately, think about regrets, feel and dish out pain) is simply amazing and I become very short of breath because I'm very scared of not breathing and living and the only thing sustaining me is God's love. If you get bored of my blog but you've read this far, I hope and pray you get one thing out of it: don't take your breath for granted, thank God every day. But yes, God's love equals daily miracles. So when odd things happen, I jot them down as God's talking to me and leading me.
I'm a big football fan. When the Patriots won their first superbowl in the 2001 season, it didn't surprise me. After 9/11, what the country needed was to come together and together live out God's love. God reminded us of that when the Patriots won, being the first team in superbowl history to run onto the field as a team. It also didn't surprise me when the New Orleans Saints had their first good season in a long time the same year the Superdome reopened after Hurricane Katrina. Not only did the people of New Orleans need something to boost their spirits, but we all needed to be reminded that the saints always come marching home.
You might think I'm silly. God doesn't talk through football. Maybe not always, but I do believe He does. I believe God talks to us in whatever way we will listen. If you really love music, He's going to have the song just for you playing when you turn on the radio. That's just an example. And I believe that if you're following God's plan, everything in your life will start falling into place and you'll think, "Man am I lucky!!!" but you're not lucky because you're doing exactly as you're supposed to. And vice versa. If you are ignoring God's plan, your life will start falling apart. I'm not a prosperity theology type guy, but I do believe that when we're on the path we have a safe place to tread, and when we veer off the path the thorn bushes scratch us up.
Now that I'm done with my long background stuff, I'll tell you that I've tried following the signs and the little miracles all my life. That's what I mean by gut-oriented, "go with the flow" type person. When I believe God has spoken, I listen. It's hard knowing when something is a sign from God, but trust me, when someone buys you a pair of bunny slippers saying, "You're a guy so I have no idea why you'd want bunny slippers, but when I walked by them something told me I should get them for you anyway, so I did, please please please tell me you like them," you know God has done something miraculous (p.s. I love bunnies!!!!). Following those gut feelings and little crazy moments that occur occasionally can make you feel great, because it's all from God. It can also be really difficult, because if you really want to go out with friends some night but your keys somehow without reason defy the possible and fall into the ridiculously narrow slit between your front door and your front porch and it takes you hours to get them out, it can really stink, but those hours were just enough time for your friends to call to tell you, "Sorry, we're not hanging out anymore. We decided to get drunk and so-and-so is in the hospital now," you know your keys fell for a reason.
Anyway, I've always felt incredibly lucky. Whether I have been lucky or undeservedly blessed or if I've just been following the path is up to you to decide, but I believe the latter. It seemed like my professors were always assigning exams to give me plenty of time to study in between, whereas other students had 3 or 4 on the same day. I took it as a sign that I was taking all the classes God wanted me to. Everything in my life was going just great right on up through sophomore year of college.
Around then I was feeling very depressed and without direction. One day, though, I went to a church I wouldn't normally go to (actually, I hadn't been going to church on a regular basis at that time... actually, I've never really gone to church on a regular basis, except for two years at undergrad when I went to my school's Catholic church... I'm not Catholic). While I was sitting in the church during the service, I could tell the congregation wasn't exactly feeling the "church thang" which was ok with me because I was just there to be there, something in me had told me to go that day (doesn't sound all that crazy but it was, because my girlfriend at the time was going to do a class assignment that day by going to a church not of her denomination. The last thing I wanted was to have my faith mocked by her and I knew she would... we weren't exactly best buds). As I was thinking about why I was even there, I thought back to a time in my high school days when, again, I wasn't going to church regularly, hadn't gone to church for months, but one day I woke up and something was telling me to go to church to receive Communion. I didn't know the Communion schedule at the time, but I knew we didn't have it that often so I tried arguing with myself that the chances of even having Communion that day were slim to none, but I couldn't get over the desperate urge I felt to go to church and have Communion. So I went, and wouldn't you know it, we had Communion that day. Snap back to the present, I heard something in me say, "You're here for a reason, like always... you can do great things for this congregation if you were standing up front instead of this pastor."
That was it. That's my call story. I took those words, that feeling, as words from God. I dropped everything I had plans for to become a pastor, just like I believe I was told to do. It's been three years since then, and I've been focused on nothing else but following through. So, I can't say I was a lot like Moses. Sure, I believe I had a burning bush moment (I believe I had another seeing that Kate labeled this blog "Bring back the Burning Bush," because that's the story I talked about when I first officially talked about my call) and I most definitely don't feel worthy, but I didn't argue with God. It had been years since a young John first said he was going to be a pastor, and I figured even if I ran away from the call again it wouldn't do me much good. Besides, since accepting God's call, I've never felt more alive in my life, more free to be myself and more open to new adventures, all because I willingly submitted myself to what I believe God is calling me to do.
Of course, it's also nice (and another sign, to me) to hear the first pastor I told about what I believe God calling me to do say to me, "You know, I had recently been thinking to ask you if you had ever given thought to being a pastor. You'd be really good." And it's also definitely nice, and amazing, when a complete stranger, a nun in this case, walks up to me and asks me, "Are you going into ministry?" because, apparently, she could tell that was God's plan for me.
I say these things are nice because I am slightly insecure. When it comes to doing God's will, I think it's easy to become insecure. Am I actually doing what God wants? I don't know!!!!!!! <--- That's a common attitude, one I experience often. Even though I believe God talks to me in miraculous ways, I can still miss things. In fact, there are times that I know for sure God is telling me something and I just don't want to listen. It's hard holding conversations and listening clearly to a being who is all present but also invisible, who talks on a plain far above this earthly realm. But I do believe God still sends all of us burning bushes and signs and miracles of all sorts to guide us. I'm still keeping my eyes open, and I hope and pray you can join me in trying to open our eyes and ears and hearts to the voice of God in our world today.
I couldn't think of anyone but Moses and the "oh Lord I'm not worthy, choose someone else" attitude. To me, that seemed rather generic. Who in their right mind ever responds to God's call by saying, "Heck yeah! Geez, God, I didn't think you'd ever ask, what took you so long????" And then I quickly thought back to when I was thirteen or fourteen, when I told my friends I thought I'd be a pastor when I grew up, a sentiment that I quickly forgot and pushed aside as a young person's dumb dream. I concluded, then, that as generic as Moses' story might be, and thought I didn't know of anyone else's story, I related to Moses. The second I started telling my pastor that, however, something in my gut told me I was lying.
I've always been a gut-oriented, "go with the flow" type of person. I don't mean go with the flow in the sense that I'm laid back and relaxed. I stress out. A lot. Part of the reason I stress out is that I respect and put a lot of focus on my mind and my (our) glorious ability to think and reason. How does any of that fit with being a gut-oriented, "go with the flow" person? Well, I'll tell you.
As much as I don't read Scripture and stress out and put emphasis on my ability to reason, I very thoroughly believe in God's working in the world RIGHT NOW. Miracles, signs, bright lights, voices from above... all of it still happens as we live and breathe. In fact, when I sit down and really think about my life, the fact that I'm alive and breathing and able to ponder the divine and feel pleasure (and, unfortunately, think about regrets, feel and dish out pain) is simply amazing and I become very short of breath because I'm very scared of not breathing and living and the only thing sustaining me is God's love. If you get bored of my blog but you've read this far, I hope and pray you get one thing out of it: don't take your breath for granted, thank God every day. But yes, God's love equals daily miracles. So when odd things happen, I jot them down as God's talking to me and leading me.
I'm a big football fan. When the Patriots won their first superbowl in the 2001 season, it didn't surprise me. After 9/11, what the country needed was to come together and together live out God's love. God reminded us of that when the Patriots won, being the first team in superbowl history to run onto the field as a team. It also didn't surprise me when the New Orleans Saints had their first good season in a long time the same year the Superdome reopened after Hurricane Katrina. Not only did the people of New Orleans need something to boost their spirits, but we all needed to be reminded that the saints always come marching home.
You might think I'm silly. God doesn't talk through football. Maybe not always, but I do believe He does. I believe God talks to us in whatever way we will listen. If you really love music, He's going to have the song just for you playing when you turn on the radio. That's just an example. And I believe that if you're following God's plan, everything in your life will start falling into place and you'll think, "Man am I lucky!!!" but you're not lucky because you're doing exactly as you're supposed to. And vice versa. If you are ignoring God's plan, your life will start falling apart. I'm not a prosperity theology type guy, but I do believe that when we're on the path we have a safe place to tread, and when we veer off the path the thorn bushes scratch us up.
Now that I'm done with my long background stuff, I'll tell you that I've tried following the signs and the little miracles all my life. That's what I mean by gut-oriented, "go with the flow" type person. When I believe God has spoken, I listen. It's hard knowing when something is a sign from God, but trust me, when someone buys you a pair of bunny slippers saying, "You're a guy so I have no idea why you'd want bunny slippers, but when I walked by them something told me I should get them for you anyway, so I did, please please please tell me you like them," you know God has done something miraculous (p.s. I love bunnies!!!!). Following those gut feelings and little crazy moments that occur occasionally can make you feel great, because it's all from God. It can also be really difficult, because if you really want to go out with friends some night but your keys somehow without reason defy the possible and fall into the ridiculously narrow slit between your front door and your front porch and it takes you hours to get them out, it can really stink, but those hours were just enough time for your friends to call to tell you, "Sorry, we're not hanging out anymore. We decided to get drunk and so-and-so is in the hospital now," you know your keys fell for a reason.
Anyway, I've always felt incredibly lucky. Whether I have been lucky or undeservedly blessed or if I've just been following the path is up to you to decide, but I believe the latter. It seemed like my professors were always assigning exams to give me plenty of time to study in between, whereas other students had 3 or 4 on the same day. I took it as a sign that I was taking all the classes God wanted me to. Everything in my life was going just great right on up through sophomore year of college.
Around then I was feeling very depressed and without direction. One day, though, I went to a church I wouldn't normally go to (actually, I hadn't been going to church on a regular basis at that time... actually, I've never really gone to church on a regular basis, except for two years at undergrad when I went to my school's Catholic church... I'm not Catholic). While I was sitting in the church during the service, I could tell the congregation wasn't exactly feeling the "church thang" which was ok with me because I was just there to be there, something in me had told me to go that day (doesn't sound all that crazy but it was, because my girlfriend at the time was going to do a class assignment that day by going to a church not of her denomination. The last thing I wanted was to have my faith mocked by her and I knew she would... we weren't exactly best buds). As I was thinking about why I was even there, I thought back to a time in my high school days when, again, I wasn't going to church regularly, hadn't gone to church for months, but one day I woke up and something was telling me to go to church to receive Communion. I didn't know the Communion schedule at the time, but I knew we didn't have it that often so I tried arguing with myself that the chances of even having Communion that day were slim to none, but I couldn't get over the desperate urge I felt to go to church and have Communion. So I went, and wouldn't you know it, we had Communion that day. Snap back to the present, I heard something in me say, "You're here for a reason, like always... you can do great things for this congregation if you were standing up front instead of this pastor."
That was it. That's my call story. I took those words, that feeling, as words from God. I dropped everything I had plans for to become a pastor, just like I believe I was told to do. It's been three years since then, and I've been focused on nothing else but following through. So, I can't say I was a lot like Moses. Sure, I believe I had a burning bush moment (I believe I had another seeing that Kate labeled this blog "Bring back the Burning Bush," because that's the story I talked about when I first officially talked about my call) and I most definitely don't feel worthy, but I didn't argue with God. It had been years since a young John first said he was going to be a pastor, and I figured even if I ran away from the call again it wouldn't do me much good. Besides, since accepting God's call, I've never felt more alive in my life, more free to be myself and more open to new adventures, all because I willingly submitted myself to what I believe God is calling me to do.
Of course, it's also nice (and another sign, to me) to hear the first pastor I told about what I believe God calling me to do say to me, "You know, I had recently been thinking to ask you if you had ever given thought to being a pastor. You'd be really good." And it's also definitely nice, and amazing, when a complete stranger, a nun in this case, walks up to me and asks me, "Are you going into ministry?" because, apparently, she could tell that was God's plan for me.
I say these things are nice because I am slightly insecure. When it comes to doing God's will, I think it's easy to become insecure. Am I actually doing what God wants? I don't know!!!!!!! <--- That's a common attitude, one I experience often. Even though I believe God talks to me in miraculous ways, I can still miss things. In fact, there are times that I know for sure God is telling me something and I just don't want to listen. It's hard holding conversations and listening clearly to a being who is all present but also invisible, who talks on a plain far above this earthly realm. But I do believe God still sends all of us burning bushes and signs and miracles of all sorts to guide us. I'm still keeping my eyes open, and I hope and pray you can join me in trying to open our eyes and ears and hearts to the voice of God in our world today.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Manna from Heaven might be more useful...
My name is Kate, and I am (among other things) the founder and administrator of this blog. Currently, I am a nearly broke and unemployed seminarian wondering how on earth I'm going to pay for two more years of seminary. God has cared for me well in the past, but it seems as though His (or Her) provision is fast running out, with no rescue in sight.
3 The Israelites said to them, "If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death."
4 Then the LORD said to Moses, "I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions. 5 On the sixth day they are to prepare what they bring in, and that is to be twice as much as they gather on the other days."
6 So Moses and Aaron said to all the Israelites, "In the evening you will know that it was the LORD who brought you out of Egypt, 7 and in the morning you will see the glory of the LORD, because he has heard your grumbling against him. Who are we, that you should grumble against us?" 8 Moses also said, "You will know that it was the LORD when he gives you meat to eat in the evening and all the bread you want in the morning, because he has heard your grumbling against him. Who are we? You are not grumbling against us, but against the LORD."
9 Then Moses told Aaron, "Say to the entire Israelite community, 'Come before the LORD, for he has heard your grumbling.' "
10 While Aaron was speaking to the whole Israelite community, they looked toward the desert, and there was the glory of the LORD appearing in the cloud.
11 The LORD said to Moses, 12 "I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites. Tell them, 'At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the LORD your God.' "
13 That evening quail came and covered the camp, and in the morning there was a layer of dew around the camp. 14 When the dew was gone, thin flakes like frost on the ground appeared on the desert floor. 15 When the Israelites saw it, they said to each other, "What is it?" For they did not know what it was.
Moses said to them, "It is the bread the LORD has given you to eat. 16 This is what the LORD has commanded: 'Each one is to gather as much as he needs. Take an omer for each person you have in your tent.' "
17 The Israelites did as they were told; some gathered much, some little. 18 And when they measured it by the omer, he who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little. Each one gathered as much as he needed.
19 Then Moses said to them, "No one is to keep any of it until morning."
20 However, some of them paid no attention to Moses; they kept part of it until morning, but it was full of maggots and began to smell. So Moses was angry with them.
21 Each morning everyone gathered as much as he needed, and when the sun grew hot, it melted away. 22 On the sixth day, they gathered twice as much—two omers for each person—and the leaders of the community came and reported this to Moses. 23 He said to them, "This is what the LORD commanded: 'Tomorrow is to be a day of rest, a holy Sabbath to the LORD. So bake what you want to bake and boil what you want to boil. Save whatever is left and keep it until morning.' "
24 So they saved it until morning, as Moses commanded, and it did not stink or get maggots in it. 25 "Eat it today," Moses said, "because today is a Sabbath to the LORD. You will not find any of it on the ground today. 26 Six days you are to gather it, but on the seventh day, the Sabbath, there will not be any."
27 Nevertheless, some of the people went out on the seventh day to gather it, but they found none. 28 Then the LORD said to Moses, "How long will you refuse to keep my commands and my instructions? 29 Bear in mind that the LORD has given you the Sabbath; that is why on the sixth day he gives you bread for two days. Everyone is to stay where he is on the seventh day; no one is to go out." 30 So the people rested on the seventh day.
31 The people of Israel called the bread manna. It was white like coriander seed and tasted like wafers made with honey. 32 Moses said, "This is what the LORD has commanded: 'Take an omer of manna and keep it for the generations to come, so they can see the bread I gave you to eat in the desert when I brought you out of Egypt.' "
33 So Moses said to Aaron, "Take a jar and put an omer of manna in it. Then place it before the LORD to be kept for the generations to come."
34 As the LORD commanded Moses, Aaron put the manna in front of the Testimony, that it might be kept. 35 The Israelites ate manna forty years, until they came to a land that was settled; they ate manna until they reached the border of Canaan.
By and large, I am an independent person in that I enjoy a self-contained existence, providing for my own needs and wants without much assistance or interference from anyone else. I paid my way through undergrad as a banker, and made enough money in the interim between graduation and entrance at Wesley to see me through a year's tuition. I am now at the point where I am preparing to spend the last of that money, and wondering where I can locate another job in enough time to bridge the $10,000 gap between my MEF loans and the cost of tuition, room and board for next fall.
In Exodus 16, God forces the Israelites into a place of complete and utter dependence on Him, both in short-term (daily bread) and long-term (guide to the Promised Land) objectives. This is the place in which I find myself, and I dislike it enormously. Oddly enough, this is also the place I found myself last spring as I waited to hear whether or not I would be accepted to Wesley. Then, I was able to have a peaceful security in the knowledge that God would work on my behalf to get me to the place He wanted me to be - and He did, in spectacular fashion. So why has all my trust evaporated? Why were the Israelites, after being delivered out of the hands of their oppressors, sitting in the middle of the desert wishing they could trade back their independence for the promise of a daily meal?
The thing that strikes me most about the story of the manna and quail is how the Israelites distrusted God's provision, even in the face of the undeniably supernatural. You ever seen bread and meat appear out of the dew on your lawn? Me neither. And yet the Israelites, even after days and weeks and months of continued provision, keep trying to store a little away, anticipating the day when God's favor will dissipate and they will be reduced to their former circumstances, runaway slaves in the middle of the desert with no food, no water and no hope. This is exactly what I'm doing - anticipating the day when God will decide that I'm not worth it, I can't possibly do this, and I will become a broke, unemployed idiot who left a situation of stability, if not happiness (the banking industry is not exactly fun) to pursue a pipe dream. Maybe it's because, for perhaps the first time in my life, I have something I don't want to lose; an identity outside myself, a purpose, a place where I can succeed in ways that have eluded me in every other arena, and the idea of going back to what I was terrifies me. Maybe it's because my identity as an independent, self-sustained and self-contained person cannot survive in dependence on anyone, even a Father, Creator and Sustainer. Maybe that black part of my soul suspects that it's all just too good to be true.
You might well be asking what the heck all this has to do with call, vocation or discernment. To me, the answer is simple: everything. Something every person who seeks God has to discern (although we rarely use the term in this way) is whether or not God is worthy of trust, worthy of our following, our submission. We see the suffering all around us, and we ask ourselves whether God is the author of evil as well as good. We ask ourselves how following God will benefit us, if it will protect us from harm, grief and disappointment. Then we ask ourselves how a perfect, omniscient and omnipresent God could possibly love us enough to sacrifice a part of Himself that we may be brought into communion with Him. It all seems too good to be true.
I have a tattoo of John 15:16a, where Jesus speaks to His disciples, saying "you did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you to go forth and bear fruit - fruit that will last". I chose to get that tattoo because through seven years of wrestling with God's call on my life, I still find it difficult to believe that God has chosen me, has seen me, known me and yet still loved me, and wants to use me for the glory of the Kingdom. But I do believe; I see the evidence of God's handiwork in my life, moving me slowly but surely toward moments of fulfillment, moments of repentance, moments of trust. And if I believe, I must also trust.
"Trust and obey, there is no other way..."
3 The Israelites said to them, "If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death."
4 Then the LORD said to Moses, "I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions. 5 On the sixth day they are to prepare what they bring in, and that is to be twice as much as they gather on the other days."
6 So Moses and Aaron said to all the Israelites, "In the evening you will know that it was the LORD who brought you out of Egypt, 7 and in the morning you will see the glory of the LORD, because he has heard your grumbling against him. Who are we, that you should grumble against us?" 8 Moses also said, "You will know that it was the LORD when he gives you meat to eat in the evening and all the bread you want in the morning, because he has heard your grumbling against him. Who are we? You are not grumbling against us, but against the LORD."
9 Then Moses told Aaron, "Say to the entire Israelite community, 'Come before the LORD, for he has heard your grumbling.' "
10 While Aaron was speaking to the whole Israelite community, they looked toward the desert, and there was the glory of the LORD appearing in the cloud.
11 The LORD said to Moses, 12 "I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites. Tell them, 'At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the LORD your God.' "
13 That evening quail came and covered the camp, and in the morning there was a layer of dew around the camp. 14 When the dew was gone, thin flakes like frost on the ground appeared on the desert floor. 15 When the Israelites saw it, they said to each other, "What is it?" For they did not know what it was.
Moses said to them, "It is the bread the LORD has given you to eat. 16 This is what the LORD has commanded: 'Each one is to gather as much as he needs. Take an omer for each person you have in your tent.' "
17 The Israelites did as they were told; some gathered much, some little. 18 And when they measured it by the omer, he who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little. Each one gathered as much as he needed.
19 Then Moses said to them, "No one is to keep any of it until morning."
20 However, some of them paid no attention to Moses; they kept part of it until morning, but it was full of maggots and began to smell. So Moses was angry with them.
21 Each morning everyone gathered as much as he needed, and when the sun grew hot, it melted away. 22 On the sixth day, they gathered twice as much—two omers for each person—and the leaders of the community came and reported this to Moses. 23 He said to them, "This is what the LORD commanded: 'Tomorrow is to be a day of rest, a holy Sabbath to the LORD. So bake what you want to bake and boil what you want to boil. Save whatever is left and keep it until morning.' "
24 So they saved it until morning, as Moses commanded, and it did not stink or get maggots in it. 25 "Eat it today," Moses said, "because today is a Sabbath to the LORD. You will not find any of it on the ground today. 26 Six days you are to gather it, but on the seventh day, the Sabbath, there will not be any."
27 Nevertheless, some of the people went out on the seventh day to gather it, but they found none. 28 Then the LORD said to Moses, "How long will you refuse to keep my commands and my instructions? 29 Bear in mind that the LORD has given you the Sabbath; that is why on the sixth day he gives you bread for two days. Everyone is to stay where he is on the seventh day; no one is to go out." 30 So the people rested on the seventh day.
31 The people of Israel called the bread manna. It was white like coriander seed and tasted like wafers made with honey. 32 Moses said, "This is what the LORD has commanded: 'Take an omer of manna and keep it for the generations to come, so they can see the bread I gave you to eat in the desert when I brought you out of Egypt.' "
33 So Moses said to Aaron, "Take a jar and put an omer of manna in it. Then place it before the LORD to be kept for the generations to come."
34 As the LORD commanded Moses, Aaron put the manna in front of the Testimony, that it might be kept. 35 The Israelites ate manna forty years, until they came to a land that was settled; they ate manna until they reached the border of Canaan.
By and large, I am an independent person in that I enjoy a self-contained existence, providing for my own needs and wants without much assistance or interference from anyone else. I paid my way through undergrad as a banker, and made enough money in the interim between graduation and entrance at Wesley to see me through a year's tuition. I am now at the point where I am preparing to spend the last of that money, and wondering where I can locate another job in enough time to bridge the $10,000 gap between my MEF loans and the cost of tuition, room and board for next fall.
In Exodus 16, God forces the Israelites into a place of complete and utter dependence on Him, both in short-term (daily bread) and long-term (guide to the Promised Land) objectives. This is the place in which I find myself, and I dislike it enormously. Oddly enough, this is also the place I found myself last spring as I waited to hear whether or not I would be accepted to Wesley. Then, I was able to have a peaceful security in the knowledge that God would work on my behalf to get me to the place He wanted me to be - and He did, in spectacular fashion. So why has all my trust evaporated? Why were the Israelites, after being delivered out of the hands of their oppressors, sitting in the middle of the desert wishing they could trade back their independence for the promise of a daily meal?
The thing that strikes me most about the story of the manna and quail is how the Israelites distrusted God's provision, even in the face of the undeniably supernatural. You ever seen bread and meat appear out of the dew on your lawn? Me neither. And yet the Israelites, even after days and weeks and months of continued provision, keep trying to store a little away, anticipating the day when God's favor will dissipate and they will be reduced to their former circumstances, runaway slaves in the middle of the desert with no food, no water and no hope. This is exactly what I'm doing - anticipating the day when God will decide that I'm not worth it, I can't possibly do this, and I will become a broke, unemployed idiot who left a situation of stability, if not happiness (the banking industry is not exactly fun) to pursue a pipe dream. Maybe it's because, for perhaps the first time in my life, I have something I don't want to lose; an identity outside myself, a purpose, a place where I can succeed in ways that have eluded me in every other arena, and the idea of going back to what I was terrifies me. Maybe it's because my identity as an independent, self-sustained and self-contained person cannot survive in dependence on anyone, even a Father, Creator and Sustainer. Maybe that black part of my soul suspects that it's all just too good to be true.
You might well be asking what the heck all this has to do with call, vocation or discernment. To me, the answer is simple: everything. Something every person who seeks God has to discern (although we rarely use the term in this way) is whether or not God is worthy of trust, worthy of our following, our submission. We see the suffering all around us, and we ask ourselves whether God is the author of evil as well as good. We ask ourselves how following God will benefit us, if it will protect us from harm, grief and disappointment. Then we ask ourselves how a perfect, omniscient and omnipresent God could possibly love us enough to sacrifice a part of Himself that we may be brought into communion with Him. It all seems too good to be true.
I have a tattoo of John 15:16a, where Jesus speaks to His disciples, saying "you did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you to go forth and bear fruit - fruit that will last". I chose to get that tattoo because through seven years of wrestling with God's call on my life, I still find it difficult to believe that God has chosen me, has seen me, known me and yet still loved me, and wants to use me for the glory of the Kingdom. But I do believe; I see the evidence of God's handiwork in my life, moving me slowly but surely toward moments of fulfillment, moments of repentance, moments of trust. And if I believe, I must also trust.
"Trust and obey, there is no other way..."
Thursday, January 7, 2010
I Saw the Burning Bush, But It Didn't Make It Easier
I've always been a good little church boy. I went to church all my life, was active in the youth group, played guitar for the worship team, and volunteered on various mission trips and service projects. All seemed to be going well. I grew up and went off to a Christian school in western Pennsylvania to study Electrical Engineering. All seemed well.
Fast-forward to June, 2008. The setting is a church near Cleveland, OH where I am "chaperoning" a group of middle and high school kids from the church on a mission trip with a program called World Changers. Thursday night is the "Concert of Prayer." During the service I feel God tugging on my heart to share some of my testimony with the kids in our group during devotions.
So I walk up to our group leader and tell her I want to talk at our meeting. She nods, then looks me straight in the eye and says, "Matt, you're going to be a youth pastor. You need to drop out of engineering."
I felt the Spirit rise up in me at that moment. I laughed with tears in my eyes and said that I knew this would happen someday. I felt purpose, and passion. I experienced God in a totally new way.
Fast-forward to June, 2008. The setting is a church near Cleveland, OH where I am "chaperoning" a group of middle and high school kids from the church on a mission trip with a program called World Changers. Thursday night is the "Concert of Prayer." During the service I feel God tugging on my heart to share some of my testimony with the kids in our group during devotions.
So I walk up to our group leader and tell her I want to talk at our meeting. She nods, then looks me straight in the eye and says, "Matt, you're going to be a youth pastor. You need to drop out of engineering."
I felt the Spirit rise up in me at that moment. I laughed with tears in my eyes and said that I knew this would happen someday. I felt purpose, and passion. I experienced God in a totally new way.
I spent the rest of the summer debating this. I saw the Burning Bush, but could I be sure it wasn't a figment of my imagination? Through the council of friends and mentors, I found myself trusting more and more in its validity. I found my interest in things technical beginning to wane. I found an new interest in things of a spiritual nature. I took these as more signs to trust the experience.
Once I got back to school, I dropped out of engineering and enrolled in something called Christian Thought, basically a pre-seminary degree. Things went well for a while. I learned to study non-technical material. I read all afternoon. And I did pretty well, at first.
Near the end of the semester, I had a terrible week. I became wary of my classes. I felt ineffective leading a Bible study. I failed a test, and did less than spectacularly on others I felt like I had aced. I felt like it should be easier. Why was I being led toward something I was no good at? I'm supposed to be a pastor, but I can't even lead a simple Bible study? Why was I being set up to fail?
Once I got back to school, I dropped out of engineering and enrolled in something called Christian Thought, basically a pre-seminary degree. Things went well for a while. I learned to study non-technical material. I read all afternoon. And I did pretty well, at first.
Near the end of the semester, I had a terrible week. I became wary of my classes. I felt ineffective leading a Bible study. I failed a test, and did less than spectacularly on others I felt like I had aced. I felt like it should be easier. Why was I being led toward something I was no good at? I'm supposed to be a pastor, but I can't even lead a simple Bible study? Why was I being set up to fail?
After much hemming and hawing, I prayed the following simple prayer:
"God, if you want me, you can have me. But you've got to make me into what you want. I've got nothing to offer."
"God, if you want me, you can have me. But you've got to make me into what you want. I've got nothing to offer."
And so I saw the burning bush, once in a dark auditorium. But it didn't ultimately make it easier. I still struggle with doubts, rebellious thoughts and actions, and new found self-righteousness. This process of sanctification is not easy. "The Lord disciplines those he loves." Discipline is never fun.
So in summary, where I stand today:
I've found that God is placing a desire in me for being a normal pastor of a small congregation, rather than my original thoughts of being a youth pastor. I do not hold aspirations to leading a giant church. I want to know each of the pilgrims under my care. I want to preach, and to preach well. I want to know what the congregation is dealing with, and apply the Biblical truths to their needs. I want to offer counsel, visit the sick and elderly, and teach small groups. This was definitely not in my 5 year plan two summers ago!
I hope this blog will be beneficial both to those of us who contribute, and to those who may read it. May God bless all of you in seeking his will and following after him.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Briars and Intersections
When I was asked to join in the authorship of this blog, I jumped at the opportunity. I thought it was brilliant...one of the hardest struggles for me in my discernment has been finding resources from a modern young adult, female perspective. Since there are virtually none out there, hopefully my journey and struggles can shed some light (and laughter!) for others who are starting this journey. This is probably going to be my longest post...so I apologize in advance :)
By way of introduction, I too am a first year seminarian, having come directly from undergrad at a "public ivy" college where I double-majored in Anthropology and History and minored in Math. I am the second youngest student at my seminary and I'm also serving as the pastor to two ity-bity churches a couple of hours away from school. I am just beginning this pastorate, having started January 1st...so you'll be able to journey with me as I try to figure out where God is leading me through this grand adventure! I'm also a United Methodist candidate for ordination...I go up for my certification interview in a few weeks. I'm hoping to be ordained as an elder in the UMC, pastor a church for a few years and then go on for a PhD in Methodist History or American Church History so that I can teach and/or work for denominational archives.
So how did all this begin? Well...I generally say that working at a Christian summer camp was the catalyst for my pursing my calling. I had been sensing God's call to me for a few years, but it wasn't until the summer after my freshman year of college that God intervened in a dramatic way. I was pursuing law and politics for a career--I had my eye on a national office--when God took an internship out from under me and placed me at summer camp. This was ironic because growing up I hated being outside...I would sit inside in a beanbag chair reading all day, every day. But God changed my life that summer and made me fall in love with ministry! The kid who came to camp as a bully and left thinking Bible stories were "pretty cool," the high schooler who confided deep, inner secrets, the child who committed their life to Christ, and more, all impacted me. Living in Christian community with the other staff was amazing! The prayer life was the best I had experienced, and I was learning to articulate my faith in ways that mainstream culture makes difficult. It was then I realized that I could be in full-time ministry and wanted to explore my options.
It was then that my path began to fill with briars and obstacles. I tried to talk to several clergy, but each time, they blew me off, thinking I would change my mind, or thinking that I wasn't serious. But I was serious. I never announce my plans to people until I have thought through them and prayed over them. I became very frustrated. The common comment I heard was "if you can do anything besides ministry, do it." This was disheartening because the fact is, most of us can do something else. I could have pursued my other dreams, my new love of anthropology. But I wanted, and was called to pursue ordained ministry. Frederick Buechner said that your calling is where your greatest desire and the world's needs intersect. For two years, I tried to convince a pastor, any pastor, that I was being called. Finally, I sat down with a wonderful, second-career pastor who actually listened to me and said that she could feel a very strong calling in me! That moment changed everything! The two years had been filled with spiritual attacks--including one point where for about 6 months I didn't even know if I believed in God anymore. I was ecstatic!
I didn't do anything for several months, knowing I had to go back to my home church pastor to talk about my calling and ministry options. I was scared. What would happen if he said "no"? Could I face the rejection? I finally emailed my district superintendent, and he was very encouraging...he sent me a guidebook to read and told my home church pastor to meet with me. I spent the next year and a half meeting with this pastor. It was lengthened considerably for me because I went away to school.
To make a long story short, I eventually got through this, went before the District Committee on Ordained Ministry (DCOM) and was assigned a candidacy mentor. The woes of the candidacy process for me are long...perhaps one day I will post about them. But the best advice I can give is to 1) know the process better than any of your mentors--you tell them what you need to do next, 2) keep multiple copies of everything--even emails (print them!), you will need something eventually and will be glad to have it! 3) Stay on top of deadlines--Have a calendar, check it frequently. 4) Every conference in the UMC (and even each district within the same conference) can have different procedures--don't be alarmed if other people are doing things in a different order. Maintain frequent communication with your mentors (official and unofficial) and you'll be fine. 5) Know that you are not alone--it is a yucky process that in any other setting would be considered hazing; but you will survive if you want to, if God is calling you to this ministry (Philippians 4:13).
Now I'm 1/6th of the way through seminary (which was a tough discernment process too...) and pastoring 2 small, rural churches--each with about 20 people. That's a crazy story, and one I invite you to check out on my blog (see my profile). One of the things I've learned through this whole process is that I never stop discerning. It does get a bit easier, because you get used to going to God and listening for God--each person "hears" God in a different way. But it is a continual process. If you ever stop listening for God, then "Houston, we've got a problem!" I'm now working on figuring out what God has in store for me...I had never thought I'd be pastoring 2 churches at this point in my life, journey and seminary career--I never pictured myself as a local church pastor to begin with. I've always wanted to serve in extension ministries. But now, I'm serving this 2 congregations...5 minutes from where I grew up. I kept trying to go away to school, but God kept bringing me back. While I thought my calling began in high school, in retrospect, it began MUCH earlier...God has had God's hand on me for a looong time--I've just been too dense to realize it.
I invite you to journey with me, down the path, through the briars and roadblocks, in the grand adventure of calling and continual discernment...maybe our winding paths will cross one day...to where is God calling you? Where do your greatest joy and the world's needs intersect?
By way of introduction, I too am a first year seminarian, having come directly from undergrad at a "public ivy" college where I double-majored in Anthropology and History and minored in Math. I am the second youngest student at my seminary and I'm also serving as the pastor to two ity-bity churches a couple of hours away from school. I am just beginning this pastorate, having started January 1st...so you'll be able to journey with me as I try to figure out where God is leading me through this grand adventure! I'm also a United Methodist candidate for ordination...I go up for my certification interview in a few weeks. I'm hoping to be ordained as an elder in the UMC, pastor a church for a few years and then go on for a PhD in Methodist History or American Church History so that I can teach and/or work for denominational archives.
So how did all this begin? Well...I generally say that working at a Christian summer camp was the catalyst for my pursing my calling. I had been sensing God's call to me for a few years, but it wasn't until the summer after my freshman year of college that God intervened in a dramatic way. I was pursuing law and politics for a career--I had my eye on a national office--when God took an internship out from under me and placed me at summer camp. This was ironic because growing up I hated being outside...I would sit inside in a beanbag chair reading all day, every day. But God changed my life that summer and made me fall in love with ministry! The kid who came to camp as a bully and left thinking Bible stories were "pretty cool," the high schooler who confided deep, inner secrets, the child who committed their life to Christ, and more, all impacted me. Living in Christian community with the other staff was amazing! The prayer life was the best I had experienced, and I was learning to articulate my faith in ways that mainstream culture makes difficult. It was then I realized that I could be in full-time ministry and wanted to explore my options.
It was then that my path began to fill with briars and obstacles. I tried to talk to several clergy, but each time, they blew me off, thinking I would change my mind, or thinking that I wasn't serious. But I was serious. I never announce my plans to people until I have thought through them and prayed over them. I became very frustrated. The common comment I heard was "if you can do anything besides ministry, do it." This was disheartening because the fact is, most of us can do something else. I could have pursued my other dreams, my new love of anthropology. But I wanted, and was called to pursue ordained ministry. Frederick Buechner said that your calling is where your greatest desire and the world's needs intersect. For two years, I tried to convince a pastor, any pastor, that I was being called. Finally, I sat down with a wonderful, second-career pastor who actually listened to me and said that she could feel a very strong calling in me! That moment changed everything! The two years had been filled with spiritual attacks--including one point where for about 6 months I didn't even know if I believed in God anymore. I was ecstatic!
I didn't do anything for several months, knowing I had to go back to my home church pastor to talk about my calling and ministry options. I was scared. What would happen if he said "no"? Could I face the rejection? I finally emailed my district superintendent, and he was very encouraging...he sent me a guidebook to read and told my home church pastor to meet with me. I spent the next year and a half meeting with this pastor. It was lengthened considerably for me because I went away to school.
To make a long story short, I eventually got through this, went before the District Committee on Ordained Ministry (DCOM) and was assigned a candidacy mentor. The woes of the candidacy process for me are long...perhaps one day I will post about them. But the best advice I can give is to 1) know the process better than any of your mentors--you tell them what you need to do next, 2) keep multiple copies of everything--even emails (print them!), you will need something eventually and will be glad to have it! 3) Stay on top of deadlines--Have a calendar, check it frequently. 4) Every conference in the UMC (and even each district within the same conference) can have different procedures--don't be alarmed if other people are doing things in a different order. Maintain frequent communication with your mentors (official and unofficial) and you'll be fine. 5) Know that you are not alone--it is a yucky process that in any other setting would be considered hazing; but you will survive if you want to, if God is calling you to this ministry (Philippians 4:13).
Now I'm 1/6th of the way through seminary (which was a tough discernment process too...) and pastoring 2 small, rural churches--each with about 20 people. That's a crazy story, and one I invite you to check out on my blog (see my profile). One of the things I've learned through this whole process is that I never stop discerning. It does get a bit easier, because you get used to going to God and listening for God--each person "hears" God in a different way. But it is a continual process. If you ever stop listening for God, then "Houston, we've got a problem!" I'm now working on figuring out what God has in store for me...I had never thought I'd be pastoring 2 churches at this point in my life, journey and seminary career--I never pictured myself as a local church pastor to begin with. I've always wanted to serve in extension ministries. But now, I'm serving this 2 congregations...5 minutes from where I grew up. I kept trying to go away to school, but God kept bringing me back. While I thought my calling began in high school, in retrospect, it began MUCH earlier...God has had God's hand on me for a looong time--I've just been too dense to realize it.
I invite you to journey with me, down the path, through the briars and roadblocks, in the grand adventure of calling and continual discernment...maybe our winding paths will cross one day...to where is God calling you? Where do your greatest joy and the world's needs intersect?
Monday, January 4, 2010
The Whys And Wherefores
This blog is the result of three things that should never, ever be combined:
-A somewhat overzealous devotion to the wonders of the Internet
-A belated (three weeks after the end of the semester) idea for a project on call and vocation, and
-A grad student with waaaay too much free time on her hands :)
In the fall semester of 2009, my first semester at Wesley Theological Seminary, I took a class on Call & Vocation In Campus Context with Malcolm Frazier, who serves as chaplain at Howard University. As a final project for the class, we were asked to create and outline a concept for education and discussion about the concepts of call and vocation. At the time, I wrote a sermon about call and vocation as it applies to lay work in the church. However, as I reflected on the project, I found myself trying to come up with another concept, one that could connect my personal journey of discernment with my desire to reach out to others exploring a call to vocational ministry. I hope that this blog will accomplish just that.
One of the great challenges of discerning a call to ministry in the 21st century is the very breadth and depth of the church in modern society. Once upon a time, God called Moses out of a burning bush, gave him a vision for ministry and handed him the tools he needed to succeed. A classmate struggling with her own discernment once joked that she prayed for God to "bring back the burning bush", a sentiment I suspect will always resonate with those who seek God's will in their lives for any length of time. However, the tool I have found most helpful in my call journey is that of friends willing to share their lives with me, to speak openly of the ups and downs, triumphs and failures, smooth sailing and rough roads they have encountered. This is what I hope to provide in this blog.
During the early days of my discernment process, I read a wonderful book by Sarah Sentilles that outlined the challenges women face in ministry across the lines of denomination, age, race, socioeconomic background, location and sexual orientation. I hope that I can recruit some friends to help author this blog with me, so that we can present a multi-faceted view of the trials and tribulations that we face on this road to ministry, and offer what we can in the way of hope, encouragement and the lessons we wish others had told us :) Join us as we untangle the strands of our hopes and God's dreams, our will and God's, and be encouraged, for "you did not choose Me, but I chose you!" (John 15:16a).
-A somewhat overzealous devotion to the wonders of the Internet
-A belated (three weeks after the end of the semester) idea for a project on call and vocation, and
-A grad student with waaaay too much free time on her hands :)
In the fall semester of 2009, my first semester at Wesley Theological Seminary, I took a class on Call & Vocation In Campus Context with Malcolm Frazier, who serves as chaplain at Howard University. As a final project for the class, we were asked to create and outline a concept for education and discussion about the concepts of call and vocation. At the time, I wrote a sermon about call and vocation as it applies to lay work in the church. However, as I reflected on the project, I found myself trying to come up with another concept, one that could connect my personal journey of discernment with my desire to reach out to others exploring a call to vocational ministry. I hope that this blog will accomplish just that.
One of the great challenges of discerning a call to ministry in the 21st century is the very breadth and depth of the church in modern society. Once upon a time, God called Moses out of a burning bush, gave him a vision for ministry and handed him the tools he needed to succeed. A classmate struggling with her own discernment once joked that she prayed for God to "bring back the burning bush", a sentiment I suspect will always resonate with those who seek God's will in their lives for any length of time. However, the tool I have found most helpful in my call journey is that of friends willing to share their lives with me, to speak openly of the ups and downs, triumphs and failures, smooth sailing and rough roads they have encountered. This is what I hope to provide in this blog.
During the early days of my discernment process, I read a wonderful book by Sarah Sentilles that outlined the challenges women face in ministry across the lines of denomination, age, race, socioeconomic background, location and sexual orientation. I hope that I can recruit some friends to help author this blog with me, so that we can present a multi-faceted view of the trials and tribulations that we face on this road to ministry, and offer what we can in the way of hope, encouragement and the lessons we wish others had told us :) Join us as we untangle the strands of our hopes and God's dreams, our will and God's, and be encouraged, for "you did not choose Me, but I chose you!" (John 15:16a).
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