Ennui Strikes Back

All that I remember of my life is being a professional student. I don't remember enough of my childhood to think of a time before school hit. Sure, I remember kindergarten. That's not full-time school, but it's still school. I'm 22 years old, running quickly into 23 this summer, and one word can summarize my life so far: school. I prefer to summarize it with "education" or "learning" or "wisdom" or "knowledge," or any of the other fancy words that we're supposed to grab on to, but all those things I've gotten in school. And yeah, I read and write a lot on my own time, but the only reason I have the motivation to do so is because of school.

The real crappy thing about school is that it doesn't last all year long. What a ridiculous thing to say, right? Who wants to go to school all year round? Well, I clearly do. I'll tell you why everyone should want to go to school longer.

For those who have made it to college or beyond, you'll know what I'm talking about. I mean, have you ever noticed that college level classes seem like a lot more work than anything you've ever done, but not necessarily any harder? And if it is harder, it's generally because there's just simply more to study for every exam or more research to do for every paper. And have you noticed that college level classes only meet once, twice, or three times a week for fifteen or sixteen weeks, while high school classes meet every day most of the time for eighteen or nineteen weeks (if you're in block scheduling)? For instance, my AP Calculus class in high school covered the same amount of material as my Calculus I class in college, but my college class covered it in four fewer weeks, meeting only three times a week for fifty minutes whereas my high school class met every day for ninety minutes. College = same work crammed into less time, much less time. End result = you work your butt off to make up for "lost" time, and then feel way more exhausted at the end of each semester than you ever would have in high school.

Now, I hope that I'm not taking for granted that everyone goes to college. I'm not. Circumstances are many that keep individuals from attending high school in many cases, let alone college. We must admit that we live in a lucky world if we can take elementary school for granted. To make a quick aside, if you are not able to take elementary school or any school for granted and you are reading this, Jesus says you are the salt of the Earth.

Ok, why am I talking about school? Like I said, all I know of life is being a professional student. I've had summer jobs and such and I feel like I've accomplished many things, but my job has been grinding into the books semester after semester. The experience has brought me into a close relationship with a state of being that probably everyone with a steady job experiences on a small scale but every day: ennui.

If you know old philosophy or "classic" European literature you will know that ennui was much talked about as something to avoid by anyone with a brain. Ennui is not exactly boredom or laziness, though they're a part of it, and it's not exactly restlessness, though that's a part of ennui as well. Ennui, in my own words, is when you're sitting around thinking to yourself, "What should I do with myself? I have no idea, but I really feel like I need to do something. Whatever can I do to fill up the time?????????????" It's when you don't know what to do with yourself, many times because you have nothing to do, and yet you feel a pull to fill up your time with something anything just please I don't want to sit here and not feel anything.

We live in a world that breeds ennui. Most people work long hours and come home every day feeling ennui beckoning them with a small voice. Every day one may come home and feel that they need to relax, but that they also need to fill their time with something enjoyable. When we get out of work we full this sort of emptiness in us that is sometimes painful and we feel as if we need to surround ourselves with people or things that can make us feel good to get rid of that feeling, that ennui. How do we do that? Television, sex, drinking parties, television, sex, drinking parties, exercising, television, sex, drinking parties, food, television, sex, drinking parties. Don't get me wrong, none of those things are inherently bad. I would argue that drinking parties are inherently bad, but drinking itself may not be. What goes wrong with any of these activities is when we use them to take up the empty space left in us when we're done working and have nothing to do.

For me, I feel ennui extra hard at the end of semesters. I don't have time to take breaks during the semester. I go to class and then whenever I'm not in class I'm doing homework. So when a semester is over I all of a sudden have lots of time, and I quickly slide downhill towards the pit. I fill up the time with things that I may not have had time to do before: hang out with a really beautiful girl, look at inappropriate images on the Internet, and look at more inappropriate images.

No activity should ever be engaged in simply because we feel as if we have to do something. Ennui strikes because there's something broken in us. Many people that love to work, strange as it seems to me, love to do so because then they always have something to do. They don't like feeling ennui, and their solution is to fill up their time with work. The issue is that not even the people who fill up their time with work to escape ennui solve the real problem. Certainly, those of us who escape ennui by engaging in instant gratification activities never solve the real problem because we jump from one entertaining thing to another, never stopping to confront that painful hole that is ennui. When we feel ennui, it doesn't mean that we're bored and need to do something, it means that there's something going on in our lives that we need to come to terms with.

Right now, for instance, I feel ennui in the few days after the Spring semester. I've done things I shouldn't have. Why? Well, one answer is that I had to do something quick to enjoy myself. I think of Madame Bovary here. The other, better answer is that I have not gone to God with my life. I am not talking to God or spending time with Him. I am not putting my concerns on Him in trust (I have an MRI tomorrow that I'm nervous about, and I clearly don't want to be nervous about it).

So what is the real issue? The real issue is that we don't have a holy rhythm. The weekends are hard for most of us because we're so used to working. And for those of us who have lots of work to do part of the year and no work other parts, having no rhythm is extra dangerous. We aren't used to waking up in the morning and spending half an hour to an hour in prayer with God. We aren't used to taking a walk in the middle of the day and praising God for the beauty that is life. We aren't used to reading Scripture when we have free time. We aren't used to writing letters or calling a friend for a long chat. Plain and simple, we just aren't used to putting in time to the relationships that really matter, especially with God. Some of us do put in lots of time to friendships and such but do so only to avoid ennui. We have to face ennui straight on and realize that the pain and emptiness we feel is the deep, central hole in us where God should be. God is the only eternal structure that we can build our lives around. Build a rhythm around Him, and place the temporary joys around Him. Don't make God a temporary fix, either. Don't go to God only when you feel lonely or some other form of ennui. Go to the Eternal Father at all times and make Him the center of your life, and then no lies of the world can strike you at your heart. Then you will find true joy, true happiness, true entertainment, and true love.