In-between

I've been told this feeling is normal. I've been told that sometime during your seminary "life" you will have thoughts, questions and concerns about your future, your faith and God. I think I have entered this period.
To be honest, my relationship with God has been rocky for a while. Since my brother died it has been hard to fully worship the God I love, and who I know loves me unconditionally. It's that last part that hurts the most. If God loves me unconditionally, then why did my brother die. This is something I wrestle with each time I pray.
I know I am suppose to be in seminary, through all the work, pain and paper writing I know (one hundred percent) there isn't any other place I want to be, or should be. However, sometimes, well more than sometimes, I wonder what God has in store for me. You see my coming to seminary was based on faith that God will not leave me, nor forsake me. The one Bible verse I've clung to since my brother's death (I have it printed out and hanging on my wall) is:

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8

To be honest, I've had this post as a draft for months now. I kept thinking about this in-between space I find myself in at seminary. During these months though I've made and followed through with a major decision. I have officially switched from an M. Div. to an M.A. I have made an official switch that will prevent me from being ordained an Elder in the UMC, which is, for me, wonderful. My call is not to the sacraments. I could never image myself baptizing an infant, or preaching each week, or anything like that. My call is to work with middle school and high schoolers, and possibly Christian Education.
Another significant decision I've made during this time, when this blog entry was listed as a draft, is that I have an internship at a local church. As part of my seminary education I'm required to have a small internship for one year at a local church. This is both exciting and worrisome. So, I continue to dwell in this in-between space. But I find comfort in the following passage from Jeremiah. Instead of extracting simply the one verse so many people enjoy, I have included the verses around it. Exile, captivity, has to happen, but God has a plan: before, during and after.

"For thus says the Lord: Only when Babylon’s seventy years are completed will I visit you, and I will fulfil to you my promise and bring you back to this place. For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me, says the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile." Jeremiah 29: 10-15 (NRSV)