I love the title of this blog. Nearly three years ago, maybe even four, I prayed to God for a sign. I know you aren't suppose to do that, but I tried anyway. I wanted the pine tree in my front yard to catch fire and a voice from heaven to say "Amanda go to seminary." So when that didn't happen, which I knew it wouldn't, I decided that I could just remain at the job (I hated) and try to survive. However, over the course of the few years between then and now a still small voice was ever present in my life that kept reminding me that I was made for more. It began, at least from what I can tell, with an older women in my congregation at my home church. Every once in a while she would tell me that I was "too smart to be working" at my job and that "the Church needed young people like me." To join her voice, my Pastor began to ask me questions regarding my work with the youth; questions that pointed out my love of youth ministry in contrast to my dislike of my full time job.
I attended a weekend Walk to Emmaus, which helped me focus upon my true calling; to follow God's call to enter ministry. But that was in the spring of 2007.
By the summer of 2008 I had finally grown tired of the constant small voice(s) that persistently insisted that I do more than work a secular job. Once I decided I would go to seminary I felt a relief and calm. And that is when my world collapsed.
In August of 2008 my only brother, Brian, died suddenly in a motorcycle accident. I won't go into the specifics, nor will I mention how it has affected my entire life. I have a blog where I write about that and how I am coping with his death which if you are interested you can read here.
It is by the grace of God that I remained strong during the days, and weeks following Brian's death. At the end of December, I began the application process to Wesley, the one and only seminary I applied to. I overnighted my application the day before it was due, and when, a few weeks later, I received word I was accepted, I was in shock.
Now that I am in seminary I am still discerning my call, at least I claim to be. I want to work in Youth Ministry. It is not something temporary, nor something that will lead to becoming a Senior Pastor. I love working with middle/high school kids. It is hard work but rewarding. I just recently decided that because of this I am officially switching from a M.Div. to an M.A.. I have the paperwork filled out, but not yet turned in to the office.
I may know what I want to do with my degree, and after seminary, but there are many days when I wake up and think, "God, why am I here? why did I follow? why did I say, 'Here I am, send me?'"
Even though my life over the past year has been extremely difficult at times, I realized that maybe from very early on in my life God had been directing me here: to seminary. There was always a hymn at church that made me cry, beginning at the age of 10. Every Sunday my mother would scan the church bulletin to make sure it wasn't scheduled to be played. It became a joke almost, but a few bars into the song, even before we began singing, I would burst into tears.
When I hear this hymn now, I'm not likely to cry. I often smile and think that even when I was young, God was nudging me. And I have, finally, answered, "Here I am, Lord"I, the Lord of sea and sky, I have heard my people cry. All who dwell in dark and sin, My hand will save. I, who made the stars of night, I will make their darkness bright. Who will bear my light to them? Whom shall I send? Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord? I have heard you calling in the night. I will go, Lord, if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart. (United Methodist Hymnal #593, Here I am, Lord)
2 comments:
I found myself in the same boat when I first felt a call to ministry: I wanted to be a life long student pastor. As I began to study for the ministry, however, I found my talents and interests pulling me towards serving in a different capacity.
People called to full time youth ministry are a rare breed, and I appreciate you deeply for it. Many (perhaps too many) pastors use it as a stepping stone to a "full" pastorship. Youth leaders that desire to engage in students' lives for more than a handful of years will make a huge difference in raising a new generation of faithful and passionate believers.
It's incredible that God calls us to serve him in different complementary ways: each of us working together to fulfill his vision for a robust, vigorous, passionate, and diverse church.
I, too, only applied to one seminary. I figured that if I was supposed to go straight from undergrad to seminary, it would work out. I was accepted and offered a full tuition scholarship... God works in crazy ways sometimes!
"Here I Am, Lord" has always been one of my favorite songs as well. It has always spoken to me... As well as the hymn, "The Summons." Both amazing songs that have always spoken to me and given me goosebumps, though it took me a while to figure out exactly what that meant.
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