It's Not About Me

Over the past few weeks, I have fallen in love with rural church ministry. It is the most challenging thing I've done in my life, yet one of the most fulfilling. I think the only thing more fulfilling for me is working with children and youth who don't know Christ as Lord and Savior come to know this with every ounce of their body. This is a blessing.

My love for the churches grew as I was able to shovel God's driveway (AKA, the church parking lot) multiple times after the snow storms the mid-Atlantic has been experiencing recently. I shoveled until my whole body ached, until my hands bled. But I kept shoveling because it was a witness to the community around us that we are open and that worship is important. My heart swelled with love as I saw elderly people venture out to worship that was rescheduled. My love for them has grown each week as they teach me what they like about my sermons and what needs improvement. The love grew as I sort-of officiated communion for the first time (the elements were already consecrated) and botched it up. My love for them grew as we met with the staff/pastor parish relations committee (AKA the people who are the liasons between the pastor and the congregation, the ones who evaluate the pastor each year). In my small churches, literally 1/3 of the congregation sits on this committee. Our task last week was to create goals for each church, the charge and myself as the pastor for this year. Their goals for me? There were 2...first, to be academically successful (however I define that), and second, to take sabbath time. That's it. My heart swelled with love for them because they realized this need. My birthday was Friday, and I received 5 cards from my one congregation, and both congregations sang me "happy birthday" multiple times. Somehow, they figured this out...even though I was secretive abou this.

My love for the people has grown as I learn their stories. They rarely tell their own story, but they all tell tales on one another :) One man, who is about 80 years old, hadn't come to worship for 20 years--he had a falling out with someone years ago and never returned, despite the efforts of his wife, friends, various pastors, etc. I found out that when I came, he was invited back again, and came. He's been one of the most faithful attendees in the 2 months that I've been pastoring there. He's such a joy to be around! We had 5 children in worship today at the first church! A true blessing. Two weeks in a row we had more than 30 people in worship there...the average, going back at least 15 years, was 14 people. The church is coming alive! The second church I pastor had a luncheon after worship today (and boy, can they cook!). The attitudes and outlook of people are brighter than they were 2 months ago. While we aren't growing there (yet), the decline is gone...worship attendence is steady...even if there aren't children. I admire their tenacity in the face of possible closure in the next few years. Their hearts have gone to missions work. Last year, they didn't give a dollar to missions...now, there is over $350 going to relief efforts in Haiti and 36 health kits that were made! I'm in love.

But it's not about me. While I would like to say that the good that we've seen in the past few months are due to me...it's not. It's due to God being active and present...to us being open to being used according to God's purposes. I finished today's sermon at 2am. I fell asleep on the computer several times. I really struggled this week to make the sermon "fit" and "flow." Something just seemed "off." I finally gave up when I couldn't see the screen anymore...my eyes were droopy with sleep. I wasn't satisfied. I realized that this was becoming a common theme...each week, I finish the sermon, read it, and then say that it's missing "something." I'm never satisfied with the sermon. And perhaps that is a good thing. If I were satisfied with the sermon, it would be about me. But instead, I am forced to pray and surrender to God--"Lord, I pray that you speak through these words, that you speak through me to give the congregation a message that you would have them receive." But really, it's not God speaking through me, it's God speaking in spite of me. It's not about me. It's about God. The same is true about the growth (spiritually and numerically) in the congregations...it's not about me...it's about God. God is speaking and acting in spite of me, not because of me or through me.

I am grateful for the love and generosity shown to me by my congregations. I am blessed to have such wonderful teaching congregations that make it part of their ethos to show me how to be a pastor. But even more so, I am grateful and blessed that God is able to do great work there in spite of me being present. Thanks be to God!

What if I am wrong?

In a conversation I was having recently I was asked what will happen if I am wrong about sexuality and whether it is a sin. It took me a little while to mull over this and come up with a theological response. I could have said I truly believe that God has shown homosexuality to be a part of the beloved creation and not a sin, but I felt that would be a cop out response and I wanted to respond in a way that offered something to think about and chew on. After some time of praying and thinking and this is what I kept coming back to.

Romans 3: 22-24 says “For there is no distinction, since all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God; they are now justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.”
Galatians 2:16 says “yet we know a person is justified not by works of the law but through faith in Jesus Christ. And we have come to believe in Christ Jesus so that we might be justified by faith in Christ and not by doing the works of the law.”
Galatians 2:21 says “I do not nullify the grace of God; for if justification comes through the law, then Christ died for nothing.”
John 5:24 says “Very truly, I tell you, anyone who hears my word and believes in the one who went me has eternal life and does not come under judgment, but has passed from death to life.”
Mark 10:45 says “For the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve and to give his life a ransom for many.”

So what does all that scripture mean? Well it means that we are all sinners and no matter how hard we try to adhere to the law we will always fail and be sinners. Gay or straight, we are all sinners. Christian or not we are all sinners. No matter how much we seek out perfection it will be just beyond our reach because have sinned and therefor fall short.

Galatians 2 speaks beautifully about the law and how our justification not from the law but is in Christ. You see redemption is the free gift offered to any who would receive it and there is no limit on it. See Christ came and gave his life so that all might believe in him and receive that redemption.

Then you turn to the gospels and see that Jesus himself says that he came to bring redemption to all who would hear and believe and for that cause was willing to go as far as to give his life for us.

So what happens if I am wrong? Well nothing, because I have placed my faith in the creator of the universe and as such have faith that redemption has been given to me because I believe. John Wesley once said“Faith, therefore, is the "necessary" condition of justification; yea, and the "only necessary" condition thereof”. This means that by faith were we are redeemed. So if I am completely wrong (though I must say I do not believe I am) that is ok because I have the assurance through faith in Jesus Christ that I will be redeemed. After all it is not about whether I sin or not but whether I accept the saving grace that comes from faith in Jesus Christ. To put it simply it is not about what we say and do but where we place our trust. I for one place my trust at the feet of Jesus and in the one who created us all and loves us all.

Convicted in the depths of a snowstorm

As you probably know, DC has been under attack by a snowstorm (alternatively named everything from Snowmegeddon to Snowtorious B.I.G.) since Friday. As a result, we're nearing a week with no classes, no work, and little to no means of transportation.

This morning at about 8 a.m. the real blizzard hit, with freezing cold winds and swirling snow. My roommates and I were all off work, talking and laughing over breakfast, when my roommate Kris got quiet.

As we cleaned up breakfast, he started bundling up to go outside. He packed a backpack with a thermos of coffee and with food. I jokingly asked him if he was so sick of us that he was leaving.

"No," he said. "I'm going to church. I have to go let Miguel and Manuel in."

A little background: my roommates Kris and Kristine (husband and wife) have been in DC for 2 1/2 years. They hadn't been to church in ages when they came, but they started coming to my church soon after they arrived. Over the last two years, they've discovered faith, joined the church, and become two of the most active and encouraging members. Kris works at the White House; Kristine teaches ESL at a community college. And they challenge me every day in the ways they live out their faith.

Miguel and Manuel are two men who live on the steps of our church. Kris befriended them soon after they arrived and regularly does things with them. He eats with them, he lets them into the church to shower, he helps them find a free clinic when one of them has a cut. Now that Kris and Kristine are purchasing a home (into which they, my other roommate Rosalyn and, once they're married, her fiance Ben, and I will move), Kris is looking for ways for Manuel and Miguel to move in with us, too. It's not a matter of mercy or of guilt for Kris; it's simply his way of looking at what could be and finding ways to live into the Kingdom of God.

So this morning Kris set out in the snowstorm to do what he could do: trek a little over a mile to the church, open the doors, and sit with his two friends somewhere out of the cold. He's still gone, and I'm guessing that he will be all day. For Kris, people are more important than time, and he's amazing at being fully present with anyone.

Meanwhile, I've been catching up on work, doing laundry, calling prospective students...and being really convicted as I think about Kris, vocation, and call. Kris has a great job, and he's great at it. He has no desire and no call to leave that. But he also knows that he is called to love God and neighbor, and he does that in amazing ways.

I'm wrestling with my own call, particularly as it relates to ordination. Yet in that process, I too often forget the very basics - that we are all called, as followers of Jesus Christ, to do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with God. To love God and to love neighbor as ourselves. To preach the Kingdom of God come to earth - and to live into that new reality. And whether or not I am ordained, that means that the ways I spend my money, speak to people on the streets, and use my time, yes, even during a snowstorm should be affected.

God, may my questions about vocation and my attention to learning and ministry NEVER get distract me from your primary call to love You and serve my neighbors throughout the world and on my front steps.

Recall, Relearn

Returning to moments in my life is generally very unpleasant. I have committed enough errors, sins, and mistakes to accumulate the necessary amount of guilt to want to forget my past entirely. Sometimes it's a blessing. Because I'm so averse to remembering my life, I can listen more intently to others when they tell me a story from their lives without interrupting and distracting with that far too common blurt out, "Oh, yeah, me too!" or something horribly similar. Mostly, though, it's not a blessing at all, because I don't even want to recall the happy moments in my life. Too often I find that even those happy moments can have guilt inserted in somehow. Maybe I recall a particularly good family vacation, but then I remember I never told anyone in my family I loved them on the trip and lost a perfectly good opportunity to bring our family closer together. Also, I might have the rare ability to love better in the present because I'm not hampered by the past, but then again, I am too weighed down by the future because I don't look to the past in my life often enough to find inspiration for the things to come.

My bad habit of never looking back creates spiritual problems, too. When I start doubting God's existence or God's love, I doubt with some serious intensity but never look back. I don't look back to my confirmation, when my pastor asked us confirmands (I swear that's a word) to stand in front of the congregation and close our eyes, putting our hands out to feel the wind of the Holy Spirit. I did it just because I was young enough that I did everything I was told. I was completely taken by surprise when I actually did feel a wind on my hands. Suspecting foul play, I looked around for a fan--nothing, no fans anywhere. Then I thought, "Well, the doors of the church are open because it's so hot and humid out, the air is probably moving around some." That settled me a down a bit... until I realized that it was, indeed, very humid out in the middle of June, and the air wasn't moving one bit. I swore then to God that I would never forget that moment because I felt that He was calling me to witness to His presence in our lives.

Unfortunately, I feel as if every action I've performed in life has been evidence of my forgetting that moment. I never look back and say to God, "You know, God, I may be struggling right now but I know I've felt your presence before, so give me the strength to get through this because I know you can." Instead, I always say, to myself, "What the frick, man... I feel so terrible I just want to get out of this."

Similarly, I never think about my "call" moment. The moment when I sat in a church one day, very frustrated with the lack of passion in the pastor and the congregation, and heard a voice tell me "I called you here for a reason, to know that you could do better and stand up there." Once I was called, I was called. I listened to the voice that I believed to be God's and never looked back. Some might say that's a good thing. I heard the call and never questioned God's judgment, I just listened, got on the path and went on my way--God's way.

But what the frick is God's way? I have no idea, because I never once looked back in reflection upon that moment, that day. Until one day, when my candidacy mentor started asking me questions about my call moment. At first, all I could say was, "Well, I just know that I'm called to be a pastor because I heard this voice." But then, with more and more questioning and with good pastoral care on the part of my mentor, saying things like, "Well, what I'm getting from your experience is this..." I learned a great deal about my call story that I had previously not known. I had previously not known because I never took the time to know. Upon recalling my memory of my call and, simultaneously, God's presence, I learned more about where my life is supposed to go and relearned what it means to be called by God to a life of ministry.

I won't go into the details, mostly because it's a long story and my fingers would grow tired, but what I want to get out of this post is this: continually recalling your call moment or moments, or maybe recalling those moments that you think God was directly present in your life or you think God was calling you, and discussing those moments with other caring individuals can help you learn a whole lot about the nature of God and the nature of God in your life. Hearing the call is always a continual learning experience. We must always keep an eye open for God's voice, by reflecting on our lives with God Himself and with those loving individuals we come across.

I Don't Wanna Go!!

I was in church this morning, and the children's sermon had just ended. It was time for the children to leave and go to Sunday School. A boy sitting in front of me, probably about three years old, started yelling "I don't wanna go!" as his parents cajoled him into going.

This made me think about my own experience when I was younger. I, too, wasn't extremely fond of Sunday School. But even though I didn't want to go, my parents knew something that I didn't. They knew that I was going to be doing fun art projects, getting to know friends, and, ultimately, learning about the God that my parents already knew and loved. Looking back at those days, I'm now thankful for my parents making me go to church, because I still remember those bible stories that I learned back then

I think that it's similar with God. Part of being called, for many of us, involves us saying, "I don't wanna go! I'm comfortable right here! Why do I have to go there?!" But God, our heavenly Parent, knows something that we don't know... Yet. What we're going to do, who we're going to meet, and what projects we're going to have when we get there is often kept from us. Like that child, it takes some trust and maybe even a leap of faith to be willing to go somewhere unknown.

This little thought process of mine happened before the sermon even started, so I got extremely excited when the pastor began talking about the attributes of a call as the bible describes them. Stories of individuals being called by God are found throughout both the Old and New Testaments, and the stories share a number of commonalities.

People who experience an authentic call from God are reluctant to accept it and "resist mightily." Rev. Scott Campbell, the pastor of Harvard-Epworth United Methodist Church where I attend, described this as being similar to being drafted to where God has chosen for you to be, rather than making a career choice. Biblical calls also come with feelings of inadequacy for the call that God has made, but that moves them toward a reliance on God for results - that is, God doesn't choose the most gifted and talented among us, but works inside of us and provides for us.

God calls us to go into places where we aren't comfortable, where we feel inadequate. God continues to call us as we try to pull back, as we try to run away. I've come to realize that no matter how far I try to run, there are always more bushes that can burn. I also believe that God won't lead us to a place where we have no chance at succeeding, where we can't grow and learn.

Toward the end of the service, the boy returned from Sunday School. He excitedly showed his parents the bookmarks that he made while he was there. We, too, can create something to be proud of when we follow where we are led.

Called by God

To have a prophetic voice. To speak with the authority of God. To speak the truth of God. To show the love of God in everyday. These are part of who a pastor should be.

I have been learning about the reformation in my church history class and how the people hungered for the word of God. One woman stood up because she was called by God when others were not willing to stand up and speak out with a prophetic voice. This woman was a contemporary of Martin Luther named Argula von Grumbach and if you ever get the chance to read her Letter to the University of Ingolstadt I highly recommend it. In this letter she took on the corrupt Roman Catholic establishment of the time and the persecutions of the reformers and used scripture to back up everything she said. In doing so she preached the word of God. That is what I call prophetic voice. She spoke out because she felt called by God to speak out.

God calls us all to do certain things. For some it may be to be a teacher. For some it may be to practice law. For some it may be to be a stay at home parent. And for some they are called to preach and share the love of God from the pulpit on Sunday mornings and wherever else they might be throughout the week. A calling from God, particularly to be a pastor, is a high calling to follow.

I have a calling and I hope those who read these blogs or hear me speak hear the prophetic voice of God coming through. I am called to be a pastor, an ordained elder in the United Methodist Church. Sadly I am not sure I will be able to become one at least for now. You see, because of the things I write about on here and my openness about who I am and the fact that I refuse to stop trying to be a prophetic voice particularly on the issues of sexuality and gender identity my candidacy will most likely be rejected. Sadly the United Methodist Church recognizes the call of many but not all. You see if you identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual (thank God there are no rules against being transgender, though some protection would be nice) then your candidacy is in jeopardy. The United Methodist Church actually actively rejects these that are called by God. They will recognize the gifts the person has and acknowledge they would be a great pastor and then reject them based on their sexuality. How can we a church who follows God reject those called by God? If a person is called by God shouldn't that be good enough for us to accept them?

Right now the church is losing good pastors who could have been the future leaders in the UMC. I know of several who have left the UMC for other denominations for this exact reason. They love the United Methodist Church and they feel called to be a pastor but because the UMC views them as a person of sacred worth who is unfortunately “incompatible with Christian teachings” they are rejected and in order to live out their calling they have left. Why are we letting this happen? When are we going to reject this notion that some how because someone loves a person of the same gender that they are damaged and unworthy? When are we going to stop riding the fence on this issue and speak as a church with prophetic voice claiming that all are equal and truly of sacred worth because they were created by God and called into God's service? When will we recognize the calling that God has placed on so many of the lives of LGBTQ people?

a still small voice

Hello blog reader(s). My name is Amanda. I'm from a small town in Massachusetts and have just started my second semester at Wesley Theological Seminary in Washington D.C. Now that is out of the way let me try to explain why I am at seminary.

I love the title of this blog. Nearly three years ago, maybe even four, I prayed to God for a sign. I know you aren't suppose to do that, but I tried anyway. I wanted the pine tree in my front yard to catch fire and a voice from heaven to say "Amanda go to seminary." So when that didn't happen, which I knew it wouldn't, I decided that I could just remain at the job (I hated) and try to survive. However, over the course of the few years between then and now a still small voice was ever present in my life that kept reminding me that I was made for more. It began, at least from what I can tell, with an older women in my congregation at my home church. Every once in a while she would tell me that I was "too smart to be working" at my job and that "the Church needed young people like me." To join her voice, my Pastor began to ask me questions regarding my work with the youth; questions that pointed out my love of youth ministry in contrast to my dislike of my full time job. 

I attended a weekend Walk to Emmaus, which helped me focus upon my true calling; to follow God's call to enter ministry. But that was in the spring of 2007. 

By the summer of 2008 I had finally grown tired of the constant small voice(s) that persistently insisted that I do more than work a secular job. Once I decided I would go to seminary I felt a relief and calm. And that is when my world collapsed.

In August of 2008 my only brother, Brian, died suddenly in a motorcycle accident. I won't go into the specifics, nor will I mention how it has affected my entire life. I have a blog where I write about that and how I am coping with his death which if you are interested you can read here. 

It is by the grace of God that I remained strong during the days, and weeks following Brian's death. At the end of December, I began the application process to Wesley, the one and only seminary I applied to. I overnighted my application the day before it was due, and when, a few weeks later, I received word I was accepted, I was in shock. 

Now that I am in seminary I am still discerning my call, at least I claim to be. I want to work in Youth Ministry. It is not something temporary, nor something that will lead to becoming a Senior Pastor. I love working with middle/high school kids. It is hard work but rewarding. I just recently decided that because of this I am officially switching from a M.Div. to an M.A.. I have the paperwork filled out, but not yet turned in to the office. 

I may know what I want to do with my degree, and after seminary, but there are many days when I wake up and think, "God, why am I here? why did I follow? why did I say, 'Here I am, send me?'" 

Even though my life over the past year has been extremely difficult at times, I realized that maybe from very early on in my life God had been directing me here: to seminary. There was always a hymn at church that made me cry, beginning at the age of 10. Every Sunday my mother would scan the church bulletin to make sure it wasn't scheduled to be played. It became a joke almost, but a few bars into the song, even before we began singing, I would burst into tears. 

I, the Lord of sea and sky, I have heard my people cry. All who dwell in dark and sin, My hand will save. I, who made the stars of night, I will make their darkness bright. Who will bear my light to them? Whom shall I send? Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord? I have heard you calling in the night. I will go, Lord, if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart. (United Methodist Hymnal #593, Here I am, Lord)

When I hear this hymn now, I'm not likely to cry. I often smile and think that even when I was young, God was nudging me. And I have, finally, answered, "Here I am, Lord"

B4 news & notes

Today we celebrate Bring Back The Burning Bush's 1-month birthday!  A few noteworthy things have happened in our blogging community in that month:

-Matt Burke was just accepted to Reformed Theological Seminary in Charlotte, NC!  Congratulations Matt!

-Cody Natland of Boston University School of Theology  and Joey Heath of the Reconciling Ministries Network have joined our blogging team!  Welcome Cody and Joey!

To read more about Matt, Cody, Joey and the rest of our awesome blogging crew, click the "meet our fabulous blog team!" link on the right hand side of the screen.  If you'd like to join our merry band of thieves call, vocation and discernment explorers, please email me at k.mackereth@gmail.com ASAP to get started.