In-between

I've been told this feeling is normal. I've been told that sometime during your seminary "life" you will have thoughts, questions and concerns about your future, your faith and God. I think I have entered this period.
To be honest, my relationship with God has been rocky for a while. Since my brother died it has been hard to fully worship the God I love, and who I know loves me unconditionally. It's that last part that hurts the most. If God loves me unconditionally, then why did my brother die. This is something I wrestle with each time I pray.
I know I am suppose to be in seminary, through all the work, pain and paper writing I know (one hundred percent) there isn't any other place I want to be, or should be. However, sometimes, well more than sometimes, I wonder what God has in store for me. You see my coming to seminary was based on faith that God will not leave me, nor forsake me. The one Bible verse I've clung to since my brother's death (I have it printed out and hanging on my wall) is:

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8

To be honest, I've had this post as a draft for months now. I kept thinking about this in-between space I find myself in at seminary. During these months though I've made and followed through with a major decision. I have officially switched from an M. Div. to an M.A. I have made an official switch that will prevent me from being ordained an Elder in the UMC, which is, for me, wonderful. My call is not to the sacraments. I could never image myself baptizing an infant, or preaching each week, or anything like that. My call is to work with middle school and high schoolers, and possibly Christian Education.
Another significant decision I've made during this time, when this blog entry was listed as a draft, is that I have an internship at a local church. As part of my seminary education I'm required to have a small internship for one year at a local church. This is both exciting and worrisome. So, I continue to dwell in this in-between space. But I find comfort in the following passage from Jeremiah. Instead of extracting simply the one verse so many people enjoy, I have included the verses around it. Exile, captivity, has to happen, but God has a plan: before, during and after.

"For thus says the Lord: Only when Babylon’s seventy years are completed will I visit you, and I will fulfil to you my promise and bring you back to this place. For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me, says the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile." Jeremiah 29: 10-15 (NRSV)

Barf Bags Make Great Bookmarks

Do you ever feel like God is calling you in lots of different directions all at once? Like your calling has lots of little elements that don’t really fit together perfectly all the time? You’re being pushed and pulled in multiple directions all at once. It’s enough to make you feel a bit woozy.

Applying to, visiting, and eventually choosing a theology school is a tedious and stressful process. I know – I did it last year, and I’m doing it again right now. After finding the school that I loved, my situation has changed and I find myself once again going through the application and discernment process, this time as a transfer student.

I felt called to Boston University School of Theology last year, like it was perfect for me. It was the only school that I applied to, and I received a generous scholarship to attend. Sure, Boston is an expensive city to live in, but as a single person, it was fairly doable. It was the perfect fit for me, it was close to my girlfriend (who had been going to school in Vermont for three years – 3,000 miles across the country from me and our home state of Washington), and their academics are great.

Jump forward a year. Boston University is still a great fit, and their academics are still great… But the girlfriend is now my fiancée, and we’re getting married in July. Boston’s cost of living, along with being confined to the public transportation system (Boston rent, parking AND a car payment? Not going to happen.) began looking like a more and more financially irresponsible choice for us.

Having to discern a call for one person is pretty tough in itself… When you add in another person, another life that is affected by your decisions, it gets even more tough and confusing.

So, I began writing this entry as I was sitting sitting in the Chicago/Midway Airport on my way back to Boston after visiting Saint Paul School of Theology in Kansas City, Missouri. It was a wonderful visit, and while the school is very different from Boston University School of Theology, it has a lot of really great attributes. I could certainly see myself being happy spending a few years out there. It could be a great place for Crystal (my fiancée) and I to start our life together. If she is able to get a teaching job out there, it would be absolutely perfect. For me, anyway. Maybe it will be for her, as well, we’ll have to talk about it and see what we can figure out. My calling has become, at least in part, our calling. And it’s exciting, and it’s scary, and sometimes it makes me want to run away and hide.

In a couple of weeks, I'm going to visit Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary in Louisville, KY. More admissions and financial aid people to meet with, more students to talk to, and more decisions to make. And of course, plenty of pictures to take so that I can share as much as possible with Crystal.

When I was on one of my flights, I was reading a book. When the flight attendant brought snacks, I put a barf bag into the book to mark my page. That got me to thinking… Sometimes when things get rough, when you feel like you’re going to get sick, that’s a great place to stop and take a break, to sit back and gather your thoughts. Barf bags make great bookmarks.

a still small voice

Hello blog reader(s). My name is Amanda. I'm from a small town in Massachusetts and have just started my second semester at Wesley Theological Seminary in Washington D.C. Now that is out of the way let me try to explain why I am at seminary.

I love the title of this blog. Nearly three years ago, maybe even four, I prayed to God for a sign. I know you aren't suppose to do that, but I tried anyway. I wanted the pine tree in my front yard to catch fire and a voice from heaven to say "Amanda go to seminary." So when that didn't happen, which I knew it wouldn't, I decided that I could just remain at the job (I hated) and try to survive. However, over the course of the few years between then and now a still small voice was ever present in my life that kept reminding me that I was made for more. It began, at least from what I can tell, with an older women in my congregation at my home church. Every once in a while she would tell me that I was "too smart to be working" at my job and that "the Church needed young people like me." To join her voice, my Pastor began to ask me questions regarding my work with the youth; questions that pointed out my love of youth ministry in contrast to my dislike of my full time job. 

I attended a weekend Walk to Emmaus, which helped me focus upon my true calling; to follow God's call to enter ministry. But that was in the spring of 2007. 

By the summer of 2008 I had finally grown tired of the constant small voice(s) that persistently insisted that I do more than work a secular job. Once I decided I would go to seminary I felt a relief and calm. And that is when my world collapsed.

In August of 2008 my only brother, Brian, died suddenly in a motorcycle accident. I won't go into the specifics, nor will I mention how it has affected my entire life. I have a blog where I write about that and how I am coping with his death which if you are interested you can read here. 

It is by the grace of God that I remained strong during the days, and weeks following Brian's death. At the end of December, I began the application process to Wesley, the one and only seminary I applied to. I overnighted my application the day before it was due, and when, a few weeks later, I received word I was accepted, I was in shock. 

Now that I am in seminary I am still discerning my call, at least I claim to be. I want to work in Youth Ministry. It is not something temporary, nor something that will lead to becoming a Senior Pastor. I love working with middle/high school kids. It is hard work but rewarding. I just recently decided that because of this I am officially switching from a M.Div. to an M.A.. I have the paperwork filled out, but not yet turned in to the office. 

I may know what I want to do with my degree, and after seminary, but there are many days when I wake up and think, "God, why am I here? why did I follow? why did I say, 'Here I am, send me?'" 

Even though my life over the past year has been extremely difficult at times, I realized that maybe from very early on in my life God had been directing me here: to seminary. There was always a hymn at church that made me cry, beginning at the age of 10. Every Sunday my mother would scan the church bulletin to make sure it wasn't scheduled to be played. It became a joke almost, but a few bars into the song, even before we began singing, I would burst into tears. 

I, the Lord of sea and sky, I have heard my people cry. All who dwell in dark and sin, My hand will save. I, who made the stars of night, I will make their darkness bright. Who will bear my light to them? Whom shall I send? Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord? I have heard you calling in the night. I will go, Lord, if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart. (United Methodist Hymnal #593, Here I am, Lord)

When I hear this hymn now, I'm not likely to cry. I often smile and think that even when I was young, God was nudging me. And I have, finally, answered, "Here I am, Lord"

Picking a Seminary: Questions to Consider

I've begun the process of choosing a seminary. I have a few potential schools on my list, the first of which I just got back from visiting (read about it here).

Picking a seminary is one of the most difficult choices facing anyone following a call to full time Christian ministry. There are thousands of seminaries in North America, and the task of choosing the best one can certainly be daunting.  You have to ask yourself a metric ton of questions in order to create a set of criteria by which to evaluate each school. While the following list is by no means exhaustive, they give an example of some of the things I had to think about. Hopefully, they will be helpful in guiding your decision process.

Theologically Liberal vs. Theological Conservative? How do you answer questions about the nature of God, the nature of man, the historicity of Christ, the authority of Scripture, or the possibility of miracles?

Ministry vs. Scholarship? It's my observation that certain schools tend to produce pastors and ministers, while other schools are more interested in producing scholars and professors. Which are you looking for? Does the school in question try to produce ministers at the expense of teaching systematic theology, biblical languages, and biblical studies? Or does it try to generate scholars at the expense of practical theology like preaching, counseling,  and leadership? Does it try to take a more balanced or nuanced approach?

There are 4 other aspects that I considered. You'll need to roughly rank them in order of importance to you.

• Theological Affinity? Methodist, Baptist, Reformed/Presbyterian, or Roman Catholic?Arminian or Calvinist? Does the seminary have a statement of faith? Does it offer a unified perspective on issues, or is the faculty all over the map theologically? Does it require you to affirm certain doctrines as a requirement for graduation
• Practical Ministry Experience? Number of internship hours required? Number of local churches to work in? Does the school help place you in internships? Are they paid? Does the school itself run ministries?
• Community / Spiritual Development? On-campus housing? Number of students? Accountability or mentorship groups? Professor-student ratio? Do the professors take personal interest in students?
• Academics? Are the academics top notch, run of the mill, or lacking altogether? Are the professors published? Are they top of their field, or relatively unknown?

I've also come to realize you need to evaluate the location of the seminary as well. Will you be able to find a job? A church? How are the living expenses? Transportation issues? Crime? How's the climate?

These are just some of the many questions you could ask yourself. You can probably think of many more (add them to the comments!). Maybe you don't even care about some of these questions: the things that are important to me may not be very important to you. I hope these will be useful to you in any event.

So, what are some other things to consider?