In-between

I've been told this feeling is normal. I've been told that sometime during your seminary "life" you will have thoughts, questions and concerns about your future, your faith and God. I think I have entered this period.
To be honest, my relationship with God has been rocky for a while. Since my brother died it has been hard to fully worship the God I love, and who I know loves me unconditionally. It's that last part that hurts the most. If God loves me unconditionally, then why did my brother die. This is something I wrestle with each time I pray.
I know I am suppose to be in seminary, through all the work, pain and paper writing I know (one hundred percent) there isn't any other place I want to be, or should be. However, sometimes, well more than sometimes, I wonder what God has in store for me. You see my coming to seminary was based on faith that God will not leave me, nor forsake me. The one Bible verse I've clung to since my brother's death (I have it printed out and hanging on my wall) is:

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8

To be honest, I've had this post as a draft for months now. I kept thinking about this in-between space I find myself in at seminary. During these months though I've made and followed through with a major decision. I have officially switched from an M. Div. to an M.A. I have made an official switch that will prevent me from being ordained an Elder in the UMC, which is, for me, wonderful. My call is not to the sacraments. I could never image myself baptizing an infant, or preaching each week, or anything like that. My call is to work with middle school and high schoolers, and possibly Christian Education.
Another significant decision I've made during this time, when this blog entry was listed as a draft, is that I have an internship at a local church. As part of my seminary education I'm required to have a small internship for one year at a local church. This is both exciting and worrisome. So, I continue to dwell in this in-between space. But I find comfort in the following passage from Jeremiah. Instead of extracting simply the one verse so many people enjoy, I have included the verses around it. Exile, captivity, has to happen, but God has a plan: before, during and after.

"For thus says the Lord: Only when Babylon’s seventy years are completed will I visit you, and I will fulfil to you my promise and bring you back to this place. For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me, says the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile." Jeremiah 29: 10-15 (NRSV)

a still small voice

Hello blog reader(s). My name is Amanda. I'm from a small town in Massachusetts and have just started my second semester at Wesley Theological Seminary in Washington D.C. Now that is out of the way let me try to explain why I am at seminary.

I love the title of this blog. Nearly three years ago, maybe even four, I prayed to God for a sign. I know you aren't suppose to do that, but I tried anyway. I wanted the pine tree in my front yard to catch fire and a voice from heaven to say "Amanda go to seminary." So when that didn't happen, which I knew it wouldn't, I decided that I could just remain at the job (I hated) and try to survive. However, over the course of the few years between then and now a still small voice was ever present in my life that kept reminding me that I was made for more. It began, at least from what I can tell, with an older women in my congregation at my home church. Every once in a while she would tell me that I was "too smart to be working" at my job and that "the Church needed young people like me." To join her voice, my Pastor began to ask me questions regarding my work with the youth; questions that pointed out my love of youth ministry in contrast to my dislike of my full time job. 

I attended a weekend Walk to Emmaus, which helped me focus upon my true calling; to follow God's call to enter ministry. But that was in the spring of 2007. 

By the summer of 2008 I had finally grown tired of the constant small voice(s) that persistently insisted that I do more than work a secular job. Once I decided I would go to seminary I felt a relief and calm. And that is when my world collapsed.

In August of 2008 my only brother, Brian, died suddenly in a motorcycle accident. I won't go into the specifics, nor will I mention how it has affected my entire life. I have a blog where I write about that and how I am coping with his death which if you are interested you can read here. 

It is by the grace of God that I remained strong during the days, and weeks following Brian's death. At the end of December, I began the application process to Wesley, the one and only seminary I applied to. I overnighted my application the day before it was due, and when, a few weeks later, I received word I was accepted, I was in shock. 

Now that I am in seminary I am still discerning my call, at least I claim to be. I want to work in Youth Ministry. It is not something temporary, nor something that will lead to becoming a Senior Pastor. I love working with middle/high school kids. It is hard work but rewarding. I just recently decided that because of this I am officially switching from a M.Div. to an M.A.. I have the paperwork filled out, but not yet turned in to the office. 

I may know what I want to do with my degree, and after seminary, but there are many days when I wake up and think, "God, why am I here? why did I follow? why did I say, 'Here I am, send me?'" 

Even though my life over the past year has been extremely difficult at times, I realized that maybe from very early on in my life God had been directing me here: to seminary. There was always a hymn at church that made me cry, beginning at the age of 10. Every Sunday my mother would scan the church bulletin to make sure it wasn't scheduled to be played. It became a joke almost, but a few bars into the song, even before we began singing, I would burst into tears. 

I, the Lord of sea and sky, I have heard my people cry. All who dwell in dark and sin, My hand will save. I, who made the stars of night, I will make their darkness bright. Who will bear my light to them? Whom shall I send? Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord? I have heard you calling in the night. I will go, Lord, if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart. (United Methodist Hymnal #593, Here I am, Lord)

When I hear this hymn now, I'm not likely to cry. I often smile and think that even when I was young, God was nudging me. And I have, finally, answered, "Here I am, Lord"