The God Tree

It's been a while since I've blogged here. Life has been crazy between school and pastoring. So I apologize to those of you looking for new posts. But this should indeed tell you something about being a student pastor in a rural community.

Last week, I served as a volunteer director of a week of summer camp at one of our area United Methodist camps. I was directing a cabin of rising 5th and 6th graders. There were some interesting events…but, overall, it was an excellent week. I was thoroughly exhausted when I got back home, (lesson learned: do NOT try to prove to 10 year olds that you can climb a wall just as well as they can...). But in the midst of my exhaustion, I was also refreshed and renewed. Camp is my holy place--where I feel closest to God. Camp worship is the best worship I have ever experience. It’s so real and raw and unpolished—it’s immensely refreshing. My spirit is renewed by the children and youth who come to camp…and especially by those who are willing to ask the hard questions.

One of the hard questions came right at the beginning of the week, as we were going on a camp tour. We were headed to one of the campfire sites, called Vesper Point. One camper shouted, “Look!” and pointed to a tree. Now this wasn’t just any tree. This was what we refer to as the “God Tree.” You see, the God Tree has one branch that does not grow up like that rest of the branches. Instead, it grows down, so that the end of the branch rests on the ground. One of the campers proclaimed that you could walk up the branch like a bridge or ladder. And of course, the hard question was, “Ms. [PBJ], why does the branch grow down?”

Truth be told, I have no clue. And rather than get into a long explanation on how this is an oak tree, but if it were a fruit tree, no fruit could grow on that branch, I instead pulled one of my favorite tricks. I changed the topic slightly. I said, “Do you know what the name of this tree is? It’s called the ‘God Tree’ because of that branch. You see, that branch is like God’s arm reaching down from heaven to meet us where we are in our spiritual journeys here on earth. We don’t need to go to God because God has already come to us.”

Later that week, my 23 campers were split into three small groups for Bible Study. I, along with one of my CITs (Counselor-In Training), was leading one group of 8 campers. I knew a few were going to be discipline problems during the week, so I purposely placed them in my group. But God worked in some amazing ways. On Tuesday morning, we were talking about Jesus' encounter with two men on the Road to Emmaus. One of the points I made to the campers was that Jesus waited to be invited into the home of the men; he didn't force himself in. If we think of our bodies as a "house," then we also have to invite Jesus in. I then gave them an opportunity to respond to this, and two of the campers made first time professions of faith! Later, on Thursday night, during worship, we had an altar call of sorts (camp-style, of course!), and another one of my campers made a first-time profession of faith!

I think that in the midst of all of this, there is a lesson for any Christian. People in general have a deep desire to fill a God-sized hole in their life. Some try alcohol, drugs, sex, money, material goods, etc...all without success. The only thing that can fill that hole in their life is God. But too often, we assume that people will "just come" to God. We never offer an invitation. Just like the God Tree, God is there, ready, waiting, and reaching out to us...but we need to step out on a limb...step out in faith...to respond to God's invitation, and then invite others to join us as we branch out and "leaf" the worldly behind. (Sorry...).

So maybe I can’t answer all of a camper's nature questions, or even all of their questions about God…but I can find ways to connect the two…and that's part of what it means to be a pastor. We connect the "everyday" around us with God. Amen. ("So be it.")

What is a Pastor's Job, Really?

I've spent most of my life thinking that the pastor's job is to be the one who runs the church, performs the worship service, and occasionally take care of parishioners, and maybe some other stuff. Obviously, that is probably a good, though rather short, summary of what a pastor's job is. Many of you may want to ask, “Well what the heck else is there that the pastor does?” Essentially, nothing. In general, what the pastor does is very tangible and/or definable.

But we often ignore what the pastor's job really is, and in the process we often miss the true purpose of worshiping in church on Sunday. First of all, the pastor isn't filling a job. Sure, everyone has certain expectations of a pastor that they need to be aware of. At the end of the day, though, a pastor is called to fulfill a vocation. What's the difference between a job and a vocation? By definition, nothing. I draw a distinction between job and vocation because I tend to think that our understanding of “job” as a set of requirements to satisfy and once we've satisfied them we won't think about doing anything more, whereas a vocation to me is an abstract principle.

Let me quickly expand a little to explain what I mean. Every job has both a “job” and a “vocation.” For instance, a bookseller's job is to sell books, perhaps to take care of customers so well that the bookseller convinces people to buy more books. A bookseller's vocation, though, whether or not the bookseller thinks of it that way, is to increase the literacy of society, literacy in language and in literature. Certainly, some booksellers arrive at their job simply because that job was available and may not care what their vocation is. But the end result of selling books is the vocation: increasing the literacy of society. So we can think of one's vocation as the desired end of what we do, and one's job as the specifics we must do to achieve that desired end.

What is the pastor's desired end? What is the pastor's vocation? What does a pastor actually do? In all that they do, pastors are meant to create an atmosphere in which parishioners can experience God. A pastor's job is not to make people happy or to make the hour we spend on Sundays as enjoyable, as tolerable, as possible. Hopefully that's included in helping people experience God. But at the heart of a pastor's vocation is creating a holy atmosphere in which parishioners can hopefully say, “Today I experienced the love of Christ.”

No pastor should ever think, “I do such and such for the people of my congregation.” And no congregation should think, “Our pastor does such and such for us.” Yeah, “pastor” carries a job description, but focusing on the specifics of what a pastor does misses what a pastor actually does. A pastor's vocation is far more important a thing to focus on. And at the heart of it all, a pastor lets the Spirit work through them so that others may experience the eternal love of our Father.

That should have implications for those of us who sit in the pews on Sunday. We should not sit in church watching how well the pastor molds a worship service, how good of a sermon the pastor preaches, or hoping that the music can energize us enough to get us through the service. Let us put faith that our pastors are creating for us a space to experience God, and so let us glory in the presence of our beloved Father, no matter how well the pastor fulfills their “job.”

The Sky's the Limit?

As a child, my mother would always encourage me to "dream big"--"The sky's the limit!' she would proclaim. I adopted that mindset and never thought of things I couldn't do...sure there are things I'm not very good at...but I never thought there were things that I couldn't do. Dream big...aim high..."Shoot for the moon, because if you miss, you'll still land among the stars." (Annonymous). This has been my mantra for years.

Recently though, I've been learning that some limitations are actually good. In recent weeks, I've been learning how to effectively pastor while navigating the muddy waters of church conflict. Some things are best handled "in-house"--like being screamed at and put down for my age/gender by a parishioner. Other things are best handed off to your superiors (and in this case, I don't mean God...I'm part of a denominational system that has some checks and balances...which sometimes are a pain, but other times help to provide a measure of protection)--things like my parsonage being in danger of collapsing (there is nothing holding up the floor upstairs...all the joists have been cut). This is one area that I am glad to hand off to someone...some limitations are good.

Yesterday was the annual Homecoming celebration for one of the churches I pastor. For them, it is a BIG deal...letters get mailed out, the potluck to end all potlucks is served, a guest preacher and musician are brought in...you get the idea. While we did get some new (and old!) visitors walking in the door, it wasn't quite as large and elaborate as I felt I had been led to believe. It was good...(and I particularly enjoyed not preaching for the first time in 38 weeks!), but I wasn't sure what to expect. Our guest preacher was the District Superintendent (AKA, my boss). At one point while we were leading the service, she leaned over to me and said, "I can sense the joy you have when leading worship. Also, I love how much hospitality undergirds all that you do." I was glad that she said something...and glad that the joy shines through...I really do get great joy out of leading worship! I am a strong proponent of "radical love, radical hospitality;" but I didn't know that it was that obvious when I was praying for our homebound members! Good...but something to think about. If that shines through, what remains hidden when I lead worship? What are my limitations?

Today, I discovered another limitation. I went to a pastoral care visit and almost passed out. This person was just released from the hospital after 4 months + after a bad accident on a farm. He is still facing more surgeries and being out of work for another year. He still might need to have a leg amputated. Only time will tell. I hadn't seen him in a few weeks, and we were catching up...he was telling me about the latest medical issues and describing the wounds. I have a strong stomach (seriously!), but for some reason, all of a sudden, I started to get flush, hot, felt the need to vomit and thought I was going to pass out. There was no air circulation in the room, and no where to sit down--the bed took up most of the space. Finally, I decided to just sink to the floor...I didn't want to pass out there! A few minutes later I felt a lot better...and the man didn't realize what had [almost] happened. (Thank God!)

I realized that I have limitations too...and sometimes I need to speak up for my needs, so that I can better care for the needs of others. The sky might be the limit...but this pastor has human limits too!

We Are Not Alone

We are not alone; we live in God's world.

In the past three weeks, I have spent approximately ten days on various trips with the youth group I lead - seven days in Mississippi with UMVIM rebuilding homes destroyed by Hurricane Katrina, and three days in Tuckahoe State Park on a team-building retreat. During these trips, I have been coming to grips with an important, but unappealing aspect of vocational ministry - the sometimes small but seemingly insurmountable wall between ministers and their congregations.

We believe in God:

who has created and is creating ,

who has come in Jesus, the Word made flesh,

to reconcile and make new,

who works in us and others by the Spirit.

We trust in God.

Often in these first few months of new ministry I have had the opportunity to reflect on the difference between being a paid minister vs. an unpaid volunteer leader. The expecations are different, and rightly so - if a church is paying for for specific services, you should be working hard to ensure those expectations are met. But the attitude, the approach, is almost totally alien to me, and I'll admit to more than the occasional stumble in the past weeks as I work to understand not only my youth and the church as a whole, but also their view of me. I was hired in part to be a prophetic voice of change, which is much easier said than done when your livelihood depends in part on the approval of the people you're about to piss off. This situation is also different for me in that unlike every other church I've been a part of in the past, I have no advocates, no allies, no "in" to help me - just a title and a desk. I love what I do, but this experience is forcing me to come to terms with the loneliness inherent in my vocation. I have a handful of people I can turn to at seminary or from other communities who are, in essence, my "church family" - but they are not part of my church life and cannot share in my joys and sorrows with any kind of immediacy. There's no one to turn to after a conversation to ask, "Did I handle that well?" because everyone has some sort of stake that I don't fully see in the life and vitality of the community, and without knowing their bias, I can't rely on their input.

Please don't misunderstand me - I'm not trying to rag on my church in any way, shape or form. The church I serve is one of thousands just like it, and there are many aspects of it that I already love and want to be a part of. But what do you do with all this?

We are called to be the church:

to celebrate God's presence,

to love and serve others,

to seek justice and resist evil,

to proclaim Jesus, crucified and risen,

our judge and our hope.

I pray. I pray for discernment, understanding and wisdom in learning all I can. I pray for a spirit of revival in this congregation (a dangerous thing to ask for if there ever was one) and in this youth ministry - not because we seek or need greater numbers, but because we truly desire God's presence among us. I pray for new leaders to be raised up and new ideas to take hold. I pray for the right words to say. I pray for control of my emotions when I need it most. I pray that God will use me even when I feel like a fool or look like a fool to these people I am so eager to impress. I pray that God will continually remind me why I answered this call to ministry and why I fell in love with His people. I pray that cynicism and backbiting will give way to hope and love. And I pray that God will remind me of His presence, that in those moments when I feel like there is no way I can take another step forward into this great abyss of the unknown, I will know and be comforted by His steadfastness, grace and mercy.

In life, in death, in life beyond death,

God is with us.

We are not alone.

Thanks be to God. Amen

-Statement of Faith of the United Church of Canada

Power in "Hell Week"

This is a crazy-busy time of year for me...we have a month to go in the semester (and after all the snow in January and February, things all got pushed back and squished together! We're all running on hyperspeed right now!) and it's Holy Week. Now...for many people, Holy Week is something that is observed when we remember that we might go to church 4 times in 8 days (Palm Sunday, Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Easter Sunday)...and some traditions also throw in there an Easter Vigil on Saturday. This year, you might even go on Thursday so you can receive communion 2 times in one week! But for a student pastor, this week is also becoming known as "Hell Week" (referring to the drama term the week before opening night...) I had 6 classes between Monday and Tuesday, lead Bible Study on Wednesday, and then have services Thursday, Friday and Sunday. Oh yeah. And I agreed to go on Easter to the Sunrise service at my home church before leading my own 2 services at the 2 churches I'm pastoring. (I don't know what made me say "yes" to my mother...temporary insanity). "Hell Week" it is.

But "Hell Week" is an appropriate name for this week in other ways. Besides leading up to the holiest of days in the Christian year, it's a time when Jesus Christ descended to Hell to pay for our Sin and our sins so that we do not have to suffer come Judgement Day. And somehow, we've managed to turn this Hell Week into a "Holy" Week?!?! I think we like to romanticize religion too much. (But that's another post for another day).

Whether we call this week "Holy" or "Hell," it has Power. Not power, but Power with a capital "P." Power in it's meaning, significance and symbolism. Power in Pilate who can with one sentence change the course of history. Power in the Roman soldiers. Power in the kiss from Judas. Power in the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Power over Sin. Power over death. Power.

Power can be used for good or evil. Judas' kiss was used for evil. But Jesus' sacrifice was used for good. The same is true in the life of a pastor. Pastors, by the very nature of their position, have a considerable amount of Power. I've seen pastors who use this Power for good, to help further the Body of Christ and help to make faithful disciples of Jesus Christ for the transformation of the world. I've also seen pastors who, because they are human and because we live in the "already, but not yet" realm between Jesus' victory over Sin and death and the final victory when all believers will feast together in the Heavenly Banquet, these pastors abuse and misuse their Power.

I've become very sensitive to my use of Power in my congregations this Hell Week. How am I using my Power? For good? Or for evil? Am I constantly seeking God and God's will in everything I do...or amy I doing some things for my own glorification? As a just-turned-23-year-old pastor, I may have Power because of my position, but I'm working on the authority. I'm a new pastor, young, female, with lots of passion. But authority is earned through the proper use of Power. Judas had Power. Jesus had both Power and authority. Which one do I model my life after? How about you?

May you journey towards the cross with me praying that we all use Power appropriately so that we may earn authority as Disciples of Jesus Christ. +

It's Not About Me

Over the past few weeks, I have fallen in love with rural church ministry. It is the most challenging thing I've done in my life, yet one of the most fulfilling. I think the only thing more fulfilling for me is working with children and youth who don't know Christ as Lord and Savior come to know this with every ounce of their body. This is a blessing.

My love for the churches grew as I was able to shovel God's driveway (AKA, the church parking lot) multiple times after the snow storms the mid-Atlantic has been experiencing recently. I shoveled until my whole body ached, until my hands bled. But I kept shoveling because it was a witness to the community around us that we are open and that worship is important. My heart swelled with love as I saw elderly people venture out to worship that was rescheduled. My love for them has grown each week as they teach me what they like about my sermons and what needs improvement. The love grew as I sort-of officiated communion for the first time (the elements were already consecrated) and botched it up. My love for them grew as we met with the staff/pastor parish relations committee (AKA the people who are the liasons between the pastor and the congregation, the ones who evaluate the pastor each year). In my small churches, literally 1/3 of the congregation sits on this committee. Our task last week was to create goals for each church, the charge and myself as the pastor for this year. Their goals for me? There were 2...first, to be academically successful (however I define that), and second, to take sabbath time. That's it. My heart swelled with love for them because they realized this need. My birthday was Friday, and I received 5 cards from my one congregation, and both congregations sang me "happy birthday" multiple times. Somehow, they figured this out...even though I was secretive abou this.

My love for the people has grown as I learn their stories. They rarely tell their own story, but they all tell tales on one another :) One man, who is about 80 years old, hadn't come to worship for 20 years--he had a falling out with someone years ago and never returned, despite the efforts of his wife, friends, various pastors, etc. I found out that when I came, he was invited back again, and came. He's been one of the most faithful attendees in the 2 months that I've been pastoring there. He's such a joy to be around! We had 5 children in worship today at the first church! A true blessing. Two weeks in a row we had more than 30 people in worship there...the average, going back at least 15 years, was 14 people. The church is coming alive! The second church I pastor had a luncheon after worship today (and boy, can they cook!). The attitudes and outlook of people are brighter than they were 2 months ago. While we aren't growing there (yet), the decline is gone...worship attendence is steady...even if there aren't children. I admire their tenacity in the face of possible closure in the next few years. Their hearts have gone to missions work. Last year, they didn't give a dollar to missions...now, there is over $350 going to relief efforts in Haiti and 36 health kits that were made! I'm in love.

But it's not about me. While I would like to say that the good that we've seen in the past few months are due to me...it's not. It's due to God being active and present...to us being open to being used according to God's purposes. I finished today's sermon at 2am. I fell asleep on the computer several times. I really struggled this week to make the sermon "fit" and "flow." Something just seemed "off." I finally gave up when I couldn't see the screen anymore...my eyes were droopy with sleep. I wasn't satisfied. I realized that this was becoming a common theme...each week, I finish the sermon, read it, and then say that it's missing "something." I'm never satisfied with the sermon. And perhaps that is a good thing. If I were satisfied with the sermon, it would be about me. But instead, I am forced to pray and surrender to God--"Lord, I pray that you speak through these words, that you speak through me to give the congregation a message that you would have them receive." But really, it's not God speaking through me, it's God speaking in spite of me. It's not about me. It's about God. The same is true about the growth (spiritually and numerically) in the congregations...it's not about me...it's about God. God is speaking and acting in spite of me, not because of me or through me.

I am grateful for the love and generosity shown to me by my congregations. I am blessed to have such wonderful teaching congregations that make it part of their ethos to show me how to be a pastor. But even more so, I am grateful and blessed that God is able to do great work there in spite of me being present. Thanks be to God!

God Speaks...

Last time I blogged here I finished by asking the question, "does the individual change to match the call, or does the call change to match the individual?" I still don't have an answer to this...but I've had some new revelations. I'm blogging now because I'm procrastinating on my work...sometime in the next few days (AKA, a Friday night spent doing homework, a Saturday at the funeral of a friend's grandma, leading 2 worship services on Sunday morning, and a dentist appointment on Monday morning before driving 2+ hours to classes Monday afternoon), I need to read 12 chapters of Genesis, all of 1 & 2 Thessalonians, Philippians and Philemon, in addition to about 350 pages of secondary source material on everything ranging from scripture to church history to worship to stewardship in small churches. Hence the reason I'm procrastinating.

This week was the first week that I had to manage both pastoring and school. Now, I should explain that I'm used to hard work. I've been working since I was 16 years old. In college, I worked 5 part-time jobs at the same time. I've never been one to shy away from a challenge. But I must say that I am exhausted. Even if I didn't have all my work to do, I still wouldn't want to go out tonight...I don't have the energy. My seminary is about 2 hours away from my churches (with no traffic...which in this area is like impossible). Monday I had to do all the beginning of the semester stuff--get IDs validated, buy books, register my card at the library, get keys to commuter housing, etc. Then I had classes from 1:30-8:30pm. I went back and chilled with people for a while, went to bed around midnight and got up early. On Tuesday, I had classes/chapel/meals/meetings continuously from 8:30am-10pm. Then I had to drive home. I got to bed around 2am. Wednesday, I got up, worked on my bulletin and sermon for Sunday, and then had to drive back to campus that afternoon/evening for my once-per-month class that night. I got in after midnight again. Thursday I finished the sermon, copied, folded and stuffed bulletins, went to visit choir practice at 2 churches and schmooze a bit. I was supposed to have a meeting with a pastor friend on either Thursday or Friday, but he got sick...so that was cancelled. Today, I stopped by one church to help set up for a Bible study that starts this week (God is amazing! In a congregation of 20 people, we have 15 people signed up for a Bible study...including a couple of people from outside of the congregation!). I sometime need to finish looking at the curriculum they picked and then asked me to lead. (All of Genesis in 10 weeks).

So now that you are thoroughly bored with my life and schedule...here's the point. I have always LOVED academia. Like, I was the one who started jumping up and down (literally!) when professors assigned research papers...it's how I learn best, and I adore learning! And I still enjoy learning. I enjoy my classes (for the most part) when I'm in them...especially when they are small and have lots of interaction (not as much lecture). But I don't enjoy all the work I have. My mind keeps wandering to the next sermon I can't wait to start writing...or how my small churches can better let the community know we exist...or what to say to the man dying from cancer...or how to re-design worship to make it more exciting...or how I can find more people my age to bring to church...especially these churches...or where the money can come from in the budget to provide scholarships to kids to go to summer church camp...or daydreaming about the day I can actually consecrate communion...you get the idea. My mind drifts away from classes to actual ministry. I want to see the growth (both spiritually and numerically) in my churches. I want to be more effective as their pastor. I want to help the community around us find Christ in their lives. I don't want to read about it. I'm an action-oriented person.

So where is this going, you might ask...well...I'm wondering about my changing call...or me changing to better match my call. I'm wondering if perhaps I'm not called to full-time academia after all. Perhaps I'm called to local church ministry (which, if you had asked me even 6 weeks ago, I would have said, "Absolutely not!" I wouldn't have even considered it a possibility.). A few months ago, I was sitting in a small UMC congregation during a Sunday morning worship service. The church had maybe 20 or 25 people there...in a sanctuary designed to hold several hundred. The whole place needed some TLC...but you could see that at one time, it was absolutely gorgeous! I was trying to pay attention to the sermon...but my mind wandered because I was unhappy that the pastor said that women have achieved full-inclusion and equal status in the UMC as clergy. While that's true on paper, women are still fighting for equal pay, equal representation as clergy in large churches, and against many congregants who don't believe women should be in the pulpit. Rather than letting myself get angry, I chose to let my mind wander. I started looking at the cross...thinking about Christ's sacrifice for us. And I began praying about my call...I said to God, "Lord, this worship service is dead. People aren't engaged. The message is not inspiring. If this is what is going on in churches across the country, there's no question why churches are losing members and worship attendees. I could do better than this." And with that, I heard God speaking to me. (Yeah, I audibly hear God sometimes...it's pretty strange, and I can't explain it...no, I promise, I'm not psycho!) God told me, "I know you can do better than this, and you will." I replied, "God, are you telling me what I think you're telling me? I don't want to be in a local church! I'm called to academia...I'm good at that...I like that." (I knew better than to say that I wasn't going to do something...cuz I know that I'd definitely end up doing that!) God chuckled a bit and said, "You will do better. You will go where you are called." I said, "God, are you trying to tell me that I'm going to end up in a local church?!?! You're crazy!" I then got an image in my mind of God smiling. And that was the end of our conversation for the moment.

I'm absolutely happy and content serving my two churches. I love it! (Even when challenges arise, even when the same guy talks my ear off each week, even when the 3-person choir sings off-key every week, even when I can't use the upstairs bathroom in the 200 year old parsonage because the floor slopes 35 degrees...even when I'm exhausted from copying bulletins at 11pm on a Saturday night and get stopped by a cop wondering what I'm doing--true story--, even when...) I'm happier than I've been in months. I'm busy, yes, but I feel like I have a purpose. I'm serving. I had missed that in the fall semester...I didn't feel satisfied. I missed leading Bible studies and participating fully in worship. I tried to go to a different church (or at least a different service) each week...to get a better idea of how others structured worship. I was fairly successful at this (and I do recommend doing this on occassion...it helps you to realize that there are other ways of doing stuff), but I felt a disconnect from a steady worshipping body. One of the services I went to, the Spirit was so alive, the worship amazing, the people friendly, I broke down in tears 6 times in ther service because I missed that so much.

Now that I'm serving as a pastor, I'm starting to feel myself come back to life! My energy returns, and I'm happy, joyful, content and satisfied. Is that conversation in October with God coming to fruition? I don't know. What I do know is that a pile of books awaits me...and God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good!