A Discerner's List Of Pros And Cons

As many of my friends and former colleagues are at UMC 2012 General Conference, I am in the midst of a year away from seminary, in part to discern whether I truly want become an ordained elder in the UMC.  However, Kilpatrick's comments on the cost of seminary educations have helped clarify things for me.  So at this moment, here's my list of pros and cons for pursuing ministry:

Pros:

• Knowing I make a difference in the lives of my parishioners
• Forming deep relationships as a process of my work
• Getting to educate others and engage them in the Word
• Enjoying the close companionship of my fellow ministers

Cons:

• Being considered an overpriced commodity to be valued and spent as the Conference chooses (thanks, Kilpatrick!).  Not to mention our continued lack of progression on ordaining gay clergy and encouraging full inclusion of the LGBTQ community in the life and leadership of our churches.
• Not being paid enough to repay my college and seminary loans on a decent schedule.
• Knowing that my career will be subject to the whims and politics of people I have no say in appointing, without a realistic voice in those decisions.
• Being held to account for every oath I take, without being able to hold my superiors to same.  (My DCOM has taken over a year and counting to appoint me a new mentor.  Two years ago they lost my psychological testing results and waited over a month to tell me.  I have no hope of BOOM or the Bishop's Cabinet being any better.)

Yes, that list could be much longer and infinitely more detailed, but that's where I'm at right now.  The longer removed I am from ministry, the less likely it appears I'll return to that path any time soon.  Say what you want about whether I was fit for ministry in the first place, about my resolve or my humility - God knows it won't be the first time I've heard it.  But I would like, just for a minute, for the powers that be to see how their decisions, words and policies are negatively impacting the discernment processes of thousands of young adults like me.  There was a time when I wanted nothing else from my life but to be an elder, to serve the UMC, and to guide and shepherd its people.  Now, I think there may be a higher and better use for my life, a more effective way to serve the world.  And that makes me sad beyond belief for the life and people I once idolized.

The God Tree

It's been a while since I've blogged here. Life has been crazy between school and pastoring. So I apologize to those of you looking for new posts. But this should indeed tell you something about being a student pastor in a rural community.

Last week, I served as a volunteer director of a week of summer camp at one of our area United Methodist camps. I was directing a cabin of rising 5th and 6th graders. There were some interesting events…but, overall, it was an excellent week. I was thoroughly exhausted when I got back home, (lesson learned: do NOT try to prove to 10 year olds that you can climb a wall just as well as they can...). But in the midst of my exhaustion, I was also refreshed and renewed. Camp is my holy place--where I feel closest to God. Camp worship is the best worship I have ever experience. It’s so real and raw and unpolished—it’s immensely refreshing. My spirit is renewed by the children and youth who come to camp…and especially by those who are willing to ask the hard questions.

One of the hard questions came right at the beginning of the week, as we were going on a camp tour. We were headed to one of the campfire sites, called Vesper Point. One camper shouted, “Look!” and pointed to a tree. Now this wasn’t just any tree. This was what we refer to as the “God Tree.” You see, the God Tree has one branch that does not grow up like that rest of the branches. Instead, it grows down, so that the end of the branch rests on the ground. One of the campers proclaimed that you could walk up the branch like a bridge or ladder. And of course, the hard question was, “Ms. [PBJ], why does the branch grow down?”

Truth be told, I have no clue. And rather than get into a long explanation on how this is an oak tree, but if it were a fruit tree, no fruit could grow on that branch, I instead pulled one of my favorite tricks. I changed the topic slightly. I said, “Do you know what the name of this tree is? It’s called the ‘God Tree’ because of that branch. You see, that branch is like God’s arm reaching down from heaven to meet us where we are in our spiritual journeys here on earth. We don’t need to go to God because God has already come to us.”

Later that week, my 23 campers were split into three small groups for Bible Study. I, along with one of my CITs (Counselor-In Training), was leading one group of 8 campers. I knew a few were going to be discipline problems during the week, so I purposely placed them in my group. But God worked in some amazing ways. On Tuesday morning, we were talking about Jesus' encounter with two men on the Road to Emmaus. One of the points I made to the campers was that Jesus waited to be invited into the home of the men; he didn't force himself in. If we think of our bodies as a "house," then we also have to invite Jesus in. I then gave them an opportunity to respond to this, and two of the campers made first time professions of faith! Later, on Thursday night, during worship, we had an altar call of sorts (camp-style, of course!), and another one of my campers made a first-time profession of faith!

I think that in the midst of all of this, there is a lesson for any Christian. People in general have a deep desire to fill a God-sized hole in their life. Some try alcohol, drugs, sex, money, material goods, etc...all without success. The only thing that can fill that hole in their life is God. But too often, we assume that people will "just come" to God. We never offer an invitation. Just like the God Tree, God is there, ready, waiting, and reaching out to us...but we need to step out on a limb...step out in faith...to respond to God's invitation, and then invite others to join us as we branch out and "leaf" the worldly behind. (Sorry...).

So maybe I can’t answer all of a camper's nature questions, or even all of their questions about God…but I can find ways to connect the two…and that's part of what it means to be a pastor. We connect the "everyday" around us with God. Amen. ("So be it.")

The car that did not just drive by

Yesterday I went out for a run. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon, that is until some person for whatever reason felt the need to drive by us and turn at the next corner and then yell back towards us “you run like F*@#$ Faggots”. Then he sped away. Honestly I was in a bit of shock at first, caught completely off guard. I wasn't even sure what that meant other then it was meant to be insulting. As we continued running and those words began to sink in, I found myself becoming angry and a little hurt too if I am being honest. We were minding our own business running down the road enjoying the afternoon and this person felt the need to say that. I found it hard to be Jesus in that moment. I wanted him to drive back so I could yell back at him and tell him what an ignorant fool he is, tell him that LGBTQ people are an intentional part of God’s beautiful and diverse creation and I do not care about his backwards way of thinking. After a few minutes it occurred to me that I should be sad for him not angry because it speaks a lot about his life that he needs to do such a heinous thing to make himself feel good.

This serves as a reminder of the inequality of the world we live in. Reminds me that heterosexuality in many places is still lifted up and anything else is just deviant. It reminds me of all the work that still needs to be done. I sometimes forget about all that needs to be done still. I go to a seminary that is very welcoming and affirming of LGBTQ people. I attend congregations who embrace all people unconditionally and who march in Pride parades just so people might see that God does love them. I forget sometimes there is a world outside this bubble that is far less accepting. Even in my own denomination, the United Methodist Church, there is so much work left to be done. We still prevent some people from becoming clergy, prevent people from becoming members, and attempt to humiliate individuals to prove they are practicing homosexuals. All of this occurs because of sexual orientation. Thankfully we have the many dedicated members of the Reconciling Ministries Network, who work tirelessly for the full inclusion of all people into the life of the church. If you are interested in working for full inclusion of all people then a great place to start is at the Sing A New Song convocation at the Sawmill Creek Resort in Huron, OH Aug. 25 – 28. It is here that we will plan for the upcoming 2012 General Conference and how we will be a witness of God's inclusive love, encouraging the delegates to vote in favor of inclusive policies for the church. Today we still live in a world where for some it is acceptable to yell obscenities out your window, but together we can change that. Every step we take toward inclusion is another step toward a world where all are equal. Will you join us?

Why bother?

Six months ago, I celebrated my 24^th birthday by visiting my best friend Kristen, who lives in Florida.  During my stay, the conversation turned to the ordination process of the UMC, which for most candidates takes between seven and twelve years to complete.  As I described the various examinations, evaluations and other requirements I would need to meet on the road to ordination compared to other denominations, Kristen first looked concerned, then gradually became incredulous.  After I finished, she paused for a moment before asking me a loaded question:

"If the process is so complicated…why do you want to be a United Methodist?"

Good question; why DO I want to be a United Methodist?  Not three days before that conversation took place, I was at the Leadership Institute in Kansas City listening to no less an illustrious personage than Adam Hamilton telling a crowd of UM clergy and laypersons that our denomination will be dead in fifty years if present trends continue.  Who wants to be a part of that?

The reason I want to be a United Methodist has nothing to do with our denomination's future prospects or past glories.  It has nothing to do with people like Adam Hamilton or John Schol (sorry guys, it's not that I don't like you - just trying to make a point here) or my faith in our leaders to carry us into the future.

One of the biggest reasons I want to be a United Methodist is contained in a part of the Book of Discipline titled "Doctrinal Standards And Our Theological Task", specifically paragraph 104.  Sounds exciting, right?  Bear with me, because it actually is – though not at first glance.  That very important little paragraph says three very important things:

1. Seeking to learn more about God is a lifelong process.  We will never hit a point where we know all that we need to know about God.  
2. Theological study is a universal mandate.  In plain English – everyone should seek after God.   
3. Theological study is both a communal and an individual task.  Personal meditation or group Bible study alone won’t cut it – they go hand in hand and complement one another.

As basic as those items might sound, they are not basic at all – in fact, United Methodists are the only denomination that I know of that makes statements like these part of their basic doctrinal principles.  Why is that important?  Because they define us as a people and a church – a church that recognizes that the Bible is interpreted anew of each generation, a church that does not restrict Biblical scholarship to priests and seminarians alone, and a church that provides opportunities for both individual and group learning.  That, as I told Kristen, is the kind of church I want to be a part of, and the kind of people I would be privileged to lead.

This month, we will confirm 18 new members into our church.  These students have met nearly every week for the last nine months to discuss various aspects of our faith, done service projects, written papers, met with mentors and accountability groups, and participated in the 30 Hour Famine.  They have worked hard to be called full members of Mt. Zion United Methodist Church, and they are probably relieved that the demands of the confirmation process are finally at an end.  The good news (or the bad news) is that its not at an end at all – this is just the beginning of a lifelong process of theological reflection and discernment as they grow in faith, service and witness.  Alleluia!

Called...to keep our mouths shut?

Down in North Carolina, there is a man named Chad Holtz who used to be a student pastor at a United Methodist Church in Henderson, NC.  What happened to Chad is very unclear at the moment; we do not know if his departure from the church he pastored was forced or voluntary, how or whether the conference to which the church belonged participated in the dialogue that led to his current state of unemployment, or the role that his blog post about the new Rob Bell book "Love Wins" may have had in all the hullaballoo.  Given that the list of what we don't know about the situation far outruns the available facts, I'm not even going to attempt to address the quagmire unfolding in North Carolina, beyond saying that Rob Bell probably doesn't need any more publicity than he already gets.  What I'd like to talk about is a post that Holtz put up on his website, http://chadholtz.net/ addressing the role he believes his blogging played in his departure from the church.  The following is a verbatim reprint:

"Pastors and Shepherds, here are some helpful tips if you wish to remain employed.    Disregard at your own risk.1.  Don’t blog or Facebook.2.  If you ignore #1, at least do so anonymously.3.  If you ignore #1 and #2, be sure your stuff is fluff.  Write about daisies, the weather, your kids t-ball game, vacation plans, car repairs, and dinner recipes.4.  If you ignore #1, 2, and 3 and choose instead to write about matters of faith, be sure your ideas, thoughts, opinions and questions match the ideas, thoughts, opinions and questions of your congregation.5. If you ignore #1, 2, 3, and 4 you can join me in a job hunt.   And, if you are not completely disillusioned, help me plant a church where advice like this will not only be unnecessary, but absurd."

Now, it goes without saying that Holtz is speaking from a place of pain and anger, and his advice may be well-intentioned, if emotionally tinged.  However, I also believe it's flat-out wrong - except for one crucial piece.

For those few of you who don't know me personally, I am what might be politely termed a blabbermouth.  Far too often my temper and my mouth outstrip my brain, and more than once I have been held to account for something I have said or done which has not been spiritually strengthening to those I serve, or to myself.  Sometimes those conversations were constructive, sometimes they were painful, and sometimes they were just downright silly - but each one has provided me with insights about the way I communicate and how I can better serve myself and my God when interacting with others.  And that is my call - to serve God and the community to which I have been sent.  Do we have a call to speak truth to power?  Absolutely.  But does that call involve saying whatever the heck we think and then justifying the results in the name of prophecy or even just honesty?  No.

Restraining my mouth - or in the case of the Internet, my fingers - is the single hardest part of my everyday life in ministry.  At first, I tried to make it easier by putting on a "professional mask", if you will - following Holtz's advice about anonymous blogging and Facebooking, and revealing as little of my personal life to my congregation as possible.  I was keenly aware that now my livelihood depended on pleasing the people in the pews, and I thought I could accomplish that by becoming a sort of ministry mechanic - a largely nameless and faceless behind-the-scenes worker who ensures that everything moves along as it should.  However, it didn't take me long to discover that people rarely turn to their mechanics for spiritual guidance, and that I could not be an effective leader unless I allowed the people around me to see me for who I was.  Those people, in turn, had to adjust their expectations of me, which took time and a number of tense conversations as we truly got to know one another for the first time and I learned the boundaries of where honesty moved from being a ministry tool and natural expression of self to a sledghammer that tore down the very ministry I was trying to build.  But a year and a bit into my ministry at this church, I think my youth, my volunteer leaders and I can all agree that we are a better and stronger team for that struggle, and that our ministry is more effective when we are able to share openly with one another.

That's where we get to the piece of advice Holtz offers that I do endorse: #4 on his list, with a caveat.  As the spiritual leader of your congregation, you should be engaging the same issues of faith that your congregation is, and sometimes it is essential that you disagree with them.  However, there is a difference between leading your congregation toward a different viewpoint and broadsiding them with thoughts, opinions and ideas you haven't prepared them for, or simply ignoring the congregation altogether as your pursue your own theological quandaries down the proverbial rabbit hole.  That difference is essential, crucial, life-giving or life-taking in your ministry - as Holtz has discovered, to his cost.

We are not called to be silent - in fact, ours is a ministry of words, without which we cannot hope to reach out to one another or to God.  But we are called to subjugate ourselves - our words, our deeds, our lives - to the call of leadership, that our words might be always and everywhere honoring to God.

A Call To Becoming

Today I woke up and, as I do every morning, checked my email and Facebook accounts.  My email this morning contained a note from my District Superintendent inviting me to submit a first draft of my ordination essays for my dCOM to review and approve next month.  Then I went to my Facebook page, which handily reminds me at the top of my page that I work at Mt. Zion UMC as their Youth Director and Pastoral Intern, attend Wesley Theological Seminary and live in Washington, DC.

That may sounds like a singularly uninteresting morning, but today I was bowled over my reminders of just how far I've come in the last four years.  Four years ago, I was a college junior (fifth year, because I had a meltdown during year 2 and failed five classes), looking for banking jobs after I graduated and becoming painfully aware that my horrific GPA was going to keep me from being accepted into any kind of graduate program.  I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life - I was thinking about a life in ministry, but I was well aware that my parents were going to flip their lids if I went down that road, and my church's first female pastor had just been appointed back home, throwing the church into chaos and resulting in nearly half the congregation seeking greener pastures at nondenominational churches nearby that did not recognize any woman's call to ministry.  Marriage and family therapy seemed like a good way to help people that didn't involve so much pain and messiness (well, at least not MY pain and messiness).  In the meantime, I already had several successful years under my belt at a local bank, and I knew that I could make enough in that industry to support myself right away, even if it wasn't my dream career.

Never would I have thought that two years later, I would leave a well-paying job at a small bank where my star was rapidly rising to move to DC, with no job and no prospects, to go to a seminary that chose to take me despite my horrendous GPA on the strength of recommendation letters written by people who believed in my call and my ability to excel at something I had never tried.  The dorms often bear an uncanny resemblance to the set of "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest", but here at Wesley I have truly found my place, for perhaps the first time in my life.  Today, I am blessed to run a growing youth program at Mt. Zion, staffed by amazing volunteers and filled to bursting with kids that I have learned to love the way my youth leaders loved me.  And while the idea of those ordination essays still freaks the living daylights out of me, they are no longer an impossible height I could not hope to reach - just another step forward, another reason to grow, another call to become who I was created to be.

God Has a Plan, We Have a Choice

Wow. It's been a while since there has been a new post around here! I'm as guilty as anybody, but wanted to share with the blog this morning.

I recently attended a Kentucky Annual Conference youth event called Winter Blitz. We had a speaker there, Duffy Robbins, who spoke about three main things: 1) God has a plan. 2) [hu]Man[ity] has a problem. 3) The choice is up to you. I've been meditating on this stuff for a while, as I'm leading the youth group of my church in discussion about the stuff that Duffy talked about.

Often, when people talk about God's plan, we are referenced to Jeremiah 29:11, which finds the Israelites recently exiled to Babylon. The scripture says this: "'For surely I know the plans I have for you,' says the Holy One, 'plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future and a hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. Wen you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all of your heart, I will let you find me,' says the Holy One."

While it is true that God is telling the Israelites that the plan that God had for Israel will still be valid after the end of the Exile, we often leave out the responsibility that WE have to GOD. We still have things that God expects from us, it's not just a simple following of God's plan. This scripture suggests various actions on the part of Israel to make God's plan a reality. They have to have to call upon God, meet God, pray, search, and seek. And not just lightheartedly, either! God, through Jeremiah, says that they have to seek "with all of your heart."

Do you truly seek God with all of your heart? I know that I don't always put that much effort into it. I look for God, and I pray, and I go certain places sometimes where I expect to find God. But I don't always do enough to actively seek God daily, constantly, and consistently with all of my heart. As I speak to the youth of the church on Sunday, I hope that you will be in prayer with me that they, myself, and all of us can truly take that scripture to heart.

If we expect to be made aware of God's plan, we have to be looking whole-heartedly.