Bring Back The Burning Bush!

The God Tree

2011-07-20T13:38:00.005-04:00

It's been a while since I've blogged here. Life has been crazy between school and pastoring. So I apologize to those of you looking for new posts. But this should indeed tell you something about being a student pastor in a rural community.

Last week, I served as a volunteer director of a week of summer camp at one of our area United Methodist camps. I was directing a cabin of rising 5th and 6th graders. There were some interesting events…but, overall, it was an excellent week. I was thoroughly exhausted when I got back home, (lesson learned: do NOT try to prove to 10 year olds that you can climb a wall just as well as they can...). But in the midst of my exhaustion, I was also refreshed and renewed. Camp is my holy place--where I feel closest to God. Camp worship is the best worship I have ever experience. It’s so real and raw and unpolished—it’s immensely refreshing. My spirit is renewed by the children and youth who come to camp…and especially by those who are willing to ask the hard questions.

One of the hard questions came right at the beginning of the week, as we were going on a camp tour. We were headed to one of the campfire sites, called Vesper Point. One camper shouted, “Look!” and pointed to a tree. Now this wasn’t just any tree. This was what we refer to as the “God Tree.” You see, the God Tree has one branch that does not grow up like that rest of the branches. Instead, it grows down, so that the end of the branch rests on the ground. One of the campers proclaimed that you could walk up the branch like a bridge or ladder. And of course, the hard question was, “Ms. [PBJ], why does the branch grow down?”

Truth be told, I have no clue. And rather than get into a long explanation on how this is an oak tree, but if it were a fruit tree, no fruit could grow on that branch, I instead pulled one of my favorite tricks. I changed the topic slightly. I said, “Do you know what the name of this tree is? It’s called the ‘God Tree’ because of that branch. You see, that branch is like God’s arm reaching down from heaven to meet us where we are in our spiritual journeys here on earth. We don’t need to go to God because God has already come to us.”

Later that week, my 23 campers were split into three small groups for Bible Study. I, along with one of my CITs (Counselor-In Training), was leading one group of 8 campers. I knew a few were going to be discipline problems during the week, so I purposely placed them in my group. But God worked in some amazing ways. On Tuesday morning, we were talking about Jesus' encounter with two men on the Road to Emmaus. One of the points I made to the campers was that Jesus waited to be invited into the home of the men; he didn't force himself in. If we think of our bodies as a "house," then we also have to invite Jesus in. I then gave them an opportunity to respond to this, and two of the campers made first time professions of faith! Later, on Thursday night, during worship, we had an altar call of sorts (camp-style, of course!), and another one of my campers made a first-time profession of faith!

I think that in the midst of all of this, there is a lesson for any Christian. People in general have a deep desire to fill a God-sized hole in their life. Some try alcohol, drugs, sex, money, material goods, etc...all without success. The only thing that can fill that hole in their life is God. But too often, we assume that people will "just come" to God. We never offer an invitation. Just like the God Tree, God is there, ready, waiting, and reaching out to us...but we need to step out on a limb...step out in faith...to respond to God's invitation, and then invite others to join us as we branch out and "leaf" the worldly behind. (Sorry...).

So maybe I can’t answer all of a camper's nature questions, or even all of their questions about God…but I can find ways to connect the two…and that's part of what it means to be a pastor. We connect the "everyday" around us with God. Amen. ("So be it.")

The car that did not just drive by

2011-07-10T20:44:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I went out for a run. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon, that is until some person for whatever reason felt the need to drive by us and turn at the next corner and then yell back towards us “you run like F*@#$ Faggots”. Then he sped away. Honestly I was in a bit of shock at first, caught completely off guard. I wasn't even sure what that meant other then it was meant to be insulting. As we continued running and those words began to sink in, I found myself becoming angry and a little hurt too if I am being honest. We were minding our own business running down the road enjoying the afternoon and this person felt the need to say that. I found it hard to be Jesus in that moment. I wanted him to drive back so I could yell back at him and tell him what an ignorant fool he is, tell him that LGBTQ people are an intentional part of God’s beautiful and diverse creation and I do not care about his backwards way of thinking. After a few minutes it occurred to me that I should be sad for him not angry because it speaks a lot about his life that he needs to do such a heinous thing to make himself feel good.

This serves as a reminder of the inequality of the world we live in. Reminds me that heterosexuality in many places is still lifted up and anything else is just deviant. It reminds me of all the work that still needs to be done. I sometimes forget about all that needs to be done still. I go to a seminary that is very welcoming and affirming of LGBTQ people. I attend congregations who embrace all people unconditionally and who march in Pride parades just so people might see that God does love them. I forget sometimes there is a world outside this bubble that is far less accepting. Even in my own denomination, the United Methodist Church, there is so much work left to be done. We still prevent some people from becoming clergy, prevent people from becoming members, and attempt to humiliate individuals to prove they are practicing homosexuals. All of this occurs because of sexual orientation. Thankfully we have the many dedicated members of the Reconciling Ministries Network, who work tirelessly for the full inclusion of all people into the life of the church. If you are interested in working for full inclusion of all people then a great place to start is at the Sing A New Song convocation at the Sawmill Creek Resort in Huron, OH Aug. 25 – 28. It is here that we will plan for the upcoming 2012 General Conference and how we will be a witness of God's inclusive love, encouraging the delegates to vote in favor of inclusive policies for the church. Today we still live in a world where for some it is acceptable to yell obscenities out your window, but together we can change that. Every step we take toward inclusion is another step toward a world where all are equal. Will you join us?

Why bother?

2011-04-18T23:01:00.001-04:00

Six months ago, I celebrated my 24^th birthday by visiting my best friend Kristen, who lives in Florida. During my stay, the conversation turned to the ordination process of the UMC, which for most candidates takes between seven and twelve years to complete. As I described the various examinations, evaluations and other requirements I would need to meet on the road to ordination compared to other denominations, Kristen first looked concerned, then gradually became incredulous. After I finished, she paused for a moment before asking me a loaded question:

"If the process is so complicated…why do you want to be a United Methodist?"

Good question; why DO I want to be a United Methodist? Not three days before that conversation took place, I was at the Leadership Institute in Kansas City listening to no less an illustrious personage than Adam Hamilton telling a crowd of UM clergy and laypersons that our denomination will be dead in fifty years if present trends continue. Who wants to be a part of that?

The reason I want to be a United Methodist has nothing to do with our denomination's future prospects or past glories. It has nothing to do with people like Adam Hamilton or John Schol (sorry guys, it's not that I don't like you - just trying to make a point here) or my faith in our leaders to carry us into the future.

One of the biggest reasons I want to be a United Methodist is contained in a part of the Book of Discipline titled "Doctrinal Standards And Our Theological Task", specifically paragraph 104. Sounds exciting, right? Bear with me, because it actually is – though not at first glance. That very important little paragraph says three very important things:

Seeking to learn more about God is a lifelong process. We will never hit a point where we know all that we need to know about God.
Theological study is a universal mandate. In plain English – everyone should seek after God.
Theological study is both a communal and an individual task. Personal meditation or group Bible study alone won’t cut it – they go hand in hand and complement one another.

As basic as those items might sound, they are not basic at all – in fact, United Methodists are the only denomination that I know of that makes statements like these part of their basic doctrinal principles. Why is that important? Because they define us as a people and a church – a church that recognizes that the Bible is interpreted anew of each generation, a church that does not restrict Biblical scholarship to priests and seminarians alone, and a church that provides opportunities for both individual and group learning. That, as I told Kristen, is the kind of church I want to be a part of, and the kind of people I would be privileged to lead.

This month, we will confirm 18 new members into our church. These students have met nearly every week for the last nine months to discuss various aspects of our faith, done service projects, written papers, met with mentors and accountability groups, and participated in the 30 Hour Famine. They have worked hard to be called full members of Mt. Zion United Methodist Church, and they are probably relieved that the demands of the confirmation process are finally at an end. The good news (or the bad news) is that its not at an end at all – this is just the beginning of a lifelong process of theological reflection and discernment as they grow in faith, service and witness. Alleluia!

Called...to keep our mouths shut?

2011-03-24T18:58:00.000-04:00

Down in North Carolina, there is a man named Chad Holtz who used to be a student pastor at a United Methodist Church in Henderson, NC. What happened to Chad is very unclear at the moment; we do not know if his departure from the church he pastored was forced or voluntary, how or whether the conference to which the church belonged participated in the dialogue that led to his current state of unemployment, or the role that his blog post about the new Rob Bell book "Love Wins" may have had in all the hullaballoo. Given that the list of what we don't know about the situation far outruns the available facts, I'm not even going to attempt to address the quagmire unfolding in North Carolina, beyond saying that Rob Bell probably doesn't need any more publicity than he already gets. What I'd like to talk about is a post that Holtz put up on his website, http://chadholtz.net/ addressing the role he believes his blogging played in his departure from the church. The following is a verbatim reprint:

"Pastors and Shepherds, here are some helpful tips if you wish to remain employed. Disregard at your own risk.1. Don’t blog or Facebook.2. If you ignore #1, at least do so anonymously.3. If you ignore #1 and #2, be sure your stuff is fluff. Write about daisies, the weather, your kids t-ball game, vacation plans, car repairs, and dinner recipes.4. If you ignore #1, 2, and 3 and choose instead to write about matters of faith, be sure your ideas, thoughts, opinions and questions match the ideas, thoughts, opinions and questions of your congregation.5. If you ignore #1, 2, 3, and 4 you can join me in a job hunt. And, if you are not completely disillusioned, help me plant a church where advice like this will not only be unnecessary, but absurd."

Now, it goes without saying that Holtz is speaking from a place of pain and anger, and his advice may be well-intentioned, if emotionally tinged. However, I also believe it's flat-out wrong - except for one crucial piece.

For those few of you who don't know me personally, I am what might be politely termed a blabbermouth. Far too often my temper and my mouth outstrip my brain, and more than once I have been held to account for something I have said or done which has not been spiritually strengthening to those I serve, or to myself. Sometimes those conversations were constructive, sometimes they were painful, and sometimes they were just downright silly - but each one has provided me with insights about the way I communicate and how I can better serve myself and my God when interacting with others. And that is my call - to serve God and the community to which I have been sent. Do we have a call to speak truth to power? Absolutely. But does that call involve saying whatever the heck we think and then justifying the results in the name of prophecy or even just honesty? No.

Restraining my mouth - or in the case of the Internet, my fingers - is the single hardest part of my everyday life in ministry. At first, I tried to make it easier by putting on a "professional mask", if you will - following Holtz's advice about anonymous blogging and Facebooking, and revealing as little of my personal life to my congregation as possible. I was keenly aware that now my livelihood depended on pleasing the people in the pews, and I thought I could accomplish that by becoming a sort of ministry mechanic - a largely nameless and faceless behind-the-scenes worker who ensures that everything moves along as it should. However, it didn't take me long to discover that people rarely turn to their mechanics for spiritual guidance, and that I could not be an effective leader unless I allowed the people around me to see me for who I was. Those people, in turn, had to adjust their expectations of me, which took time and a number of tense conversations as we truly got to know one another for the first time and I learned the boundaries of where honesty moved from being a ministry tool and natural expression of self to a sledghammer that tore down the very ministry I was trying to build. But a year and a bit into my ministry at this church, I think my youth, my volunteer leaders and I can all agree that we are a better and stronger team for that struggle, and that our ministry is more effective when we are able to share openly with one another.

That's where we get to the piece of advice Holtz offers that I do endorse: #4 on his list, with a caveat. As the spiritual leader of your congregation, you should be engaging the same issues of faith that your congregation is, and sometimes it is essential that you disagree with them. However, there is a difference between leading your congregation toward a different viewpoint and broadsiding them with thoughts, opinions and ideas you haven't prepared them for, or simply ignoring the congregation altogether as your pursue your own theological quandaries down the proverbial rabbit hole. That difference is essential, crucial, life-giving or life-taking in your ministry - as Holtz has discovered, to his cost.

We are not called to be silent - in fact, ours is a ministry of words, without which we cannot hope to reach out to one another or to God. But we are called to subjugate ourselves - our words, our deeds, our lives - to the call of leadership, that our words might be always and everywhere honoring to God.

A Call To Becoming

2011-03-22T09:52:00.000-04:00

Today I woke up and, as I do every morning, checked my email and Facebook accounts. My email this morning contained a note from my District Superintendent inviting me to submit a first draft of my ordination essays for my dCOM to review and approve next month. Then I went to my Facebook page, which handily reminds me at the top of my page that I work at Mt. Zion UMC as their Youth Director and Pastoral Intern, attend Wesley Theological Seminary and live in Washington, DC.

That may sounds like a singularly uninteresting morning, but today I was bowled over my reminders of just how far I've come in the last four years. Four years ago, I was a college junior (fifth year, because I had a meltdown during year 2 and failed five classes), looking for banking jobs after I graduated and becoming painfully aware that my horrific GPA was going to keep me from being accepted into any kind of graduate program. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life - I was thinking about a life in ministry, but I was well aware that my parents were going to flip their lids if I went down that road, and my church's first female pastor had just been appointed back home, throwing the church into chaos and resulting in nearly half the congregation seeking greener pastures at nondenominational churches nearby that did not recognize any woman's call to ministry. Marriage and family therapy seemed like a good way to help people that didn't involve so much pain and messiness (well, at least not MY pain and messiness). In the meantime, I already had several successful years under my belt at a local bank, and I knew that I could make enough in that industry to support myself right away, even if it wasn't my dream career.

Never would I have thought that two years later, I would leave a well-paying job at a small bank where my star was rapidly rising to move to DC, with no job and no prospects, to go to a seminary that chose to take me despite my horrendous GPA on the strength of recommendation letters written by people who believed in my call and my ability to excel at something I had never tried. The dorms often bear an uncanny resemblance to the set of "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest", but here at Wesley I have truly found my place, for perhaps the first time in my life. Today, I am blessed to run a growing youth program at Mt. Zion, staffed by amazing volunteers and filled to bursting with kids that I have learned to love the way my youth leaders loved me. And while the idea of those ordination essays still freaks the living daylights out of me, they are no longer an impossible height I could not hope to reach - just another step forward, another reason to grow, another call to become who I was created to be.

God Has a Plan, We Have a Choice

2011-02-07T10:25:00.003-05:00

Wow. It's been a while since there has been a new post around here! I'm as guilty as anybody, but wanted to share with the blog this morning.

I recently attended a Kentucky Annual Conference youth event called Winter Blitz. We had a speaker there, Duffy Robbins, who spoke about three main things: 1) God has a plan. 2) [hu]Man[ity] has a problem. 3) The choice is up to you. I've been meditating on this stuff for a while, as I'm leading the youth group of my church in discussion about the stuff that Duffy talked about.

Often, when people talk about God's plan, we are referenced to Jeremiah 29:11, which finds the Israelites recently exiled to Babylon. The scripture says this: "'For surely I know the plans I have for you,' says the Holy One, 'plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future and a hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. Wen you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all of your heart, I will let you find me,' says the Holy One."

While it is true that God is telling the Israelites that the plan that God had for Israel will still be valid after the end of the Exile, we often leave out the responsibility that WE have to GOD. We still have things that God expects from us, it's not just a simple following of God's plan. This scripture suggests various actions on the part of Israel to make God's plan a reality. They have to have to call upon God, meet God, pray, search, and seek. And not just lightheartedly, either! God, through Jeremiah, says that they have to seek "with all of your heart."

Do you truly seek God with all of your heart? I know that I don't always put that much effort into it. I look for God, and I pray, and I go certain places sometimes where I expect to find God. But I don't always do enough to actively seek God daily, constantly, and consistently with all of my heart. As I speak to the youth of the church on Sunday, I hope that you will be in prayer with me that they, myself, and all of us can truly take that scripture to heart.

If we expect to be made aware of God's plan, we have to be looking whole-heartedly.

An Open Letter To Judson Phillips

2010-12-21T16:48:00.000-05:00

Mr. Phillips;

As a current employee and ordination candidate of the United Methodist Church in Washington, DC, I was saddened to read your blog post about your recent reaction to the UMC's support of the DREAM Act. I, like many other Methodists, was also deeply angered by your hypocritical, factually inaccurate and otherwise vicious and anti-Christian statements.

I would love the opportunity to sit down and discuss your views with you, but I am well aware from the brief, angry and violent history of the party you lead that you and your followers have no desire to enter into dialogue with those who do not act, think or look like you. This, too, saddens me, since our Founding Fathers desired our country to be a place where all could live peaceably, of one accord. In your quest to "restore honor" to the USA, you have in fact been swinging a hammer at the cornerstones of our nation, and of the Christian faith you claim to uphold - for Jesus also desired this;

³⁶ “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ ³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ⁴⁰ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

-Matthew 22:36-40

Therefore, with all due respect and in full Christian love, my brother in Christ, I hope to see you again in Heaven. Until then, perhaps you should spend your time in silence before God, rather than wasting your energy in attempting to drown out God's voice. God's justice "will roll down like mighty rivers", in the words of the prophet Amos - if you do not stand aside, you may be swept away.

Peace,
Kate Mackereth

Dress Up

2010-11-01T23:58:00.005-04:00

After being an "official" pastor for about a year now, I finally relented on Saturday, and allowed my parents to buy me my Christmas present early--an alb.

Part of the reason I resisted was theological--the alb used to be a symbol of a servant and was everyday street-wear. But now, no one walks around in a white gown with a rope cinture at the waist unless they are going to a toga party on a college campus. For me, the same symbolism could be acheived by actually wearing street clothes so that I can come out of the congregation to preach/lead worship--I am one of the people and not above them.

Another reason I resisted was practical...I had no clue what I would want. I knew that I would need an alb for commissioning and ordination...but what type? There are a variety of styles and shapes. I had my own list of requirements: 2 pockets--not just slits, because my skirts don't have pockets like men's pants; a feminine shape--I am a woman after all; large enough that it could hide a pregnant belly, if and when it were needed; and wrinkle reistant--my ironing skills leave A LOT to be desired! These decisions were important to me, because an alb is a considerable investment, and hopefully mine will be with me for the next 50 years of ministry!

But the last reason I resisted was because somehow, having an alb, the "uniform" of UMC clergy in my area, makes everything more "official" and legitimate. It gives me a status and identity marker. It's an identity, that despite my strong feeling of call, downright terrifies me. I've been teetering on the edge of the cliff for the past year--taking on the identity of a pastor when it's helpful to do so--visiting in a hospital, explaining what I do, etc.--and leaving the identity of a pastor behind when I feel like it...which is most of the time. I don't want to be known as "pastor" first. I am me...a Child of God...being a pastor is what I DO, but not who I AM. For me, the alb became the symbol that there was "no turning back." And I was scared.

On Saturday, when I went to get fitted for the alb--mine has to be custom-made because my proportions are too wacky for a "ready-made" one--I couldn't help but feel like I was playing "dress up." As a child, I would wear my mother's old dresses and high heals, carry an old purse, throw a fake boa around my neck, and prance around the house as a "fancy" lady. I felt a little like that on Saturday. There I was in my jeans and t-shirt, with a pair of dress shoes in my hand, having a measuring tape wrapped around every conceivable part of my body and imagining myself prancing around in the alb. I was scared, and it showed.

On a side note...for all those ladies out there...if you are looking for an alb, there are about 20 different choices for the guys...and we have one basic choice--same style, with lace or without lace? Two brands carry the same alb--one comes with no pockets, the other with two. So your choices are pockets and lace. Nothing to choose from style-wise. The gender discrimination is still present...but that's another rant for another day.

For me, all of my lingering uncertainties about my calling, my effectiveness (or potential effectiveness) in ministry, my acute awareness of my age, gender, medical issues and speech issues were all wrapped up in the image of the alb. Somehow, if I could delay getting an alb, I could keep pretending that I was living in a dream-world, and that I would wake up one day. I could back out of ministry if needed. But now...now it's official. And I'm scared. What if I'm not good enough? What if I fail? What if...? Am I really just playing "dress up" in a white gown and looking like I'm going to a toga party on a college campus? Or am I really a pastor? What is my identity? Who am I? Who has God called me to be?

Now I have the alb...well, actually, it's being made and shipped to me...I should have it in 2 months or so...probably before Christmas. But only time will tell if the alb is simply "dress up" or an affirmation of me and my calling. Sometimes we all have to take off our "masks" and dress up clothes to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. That's scary...but I know that God is always right there by my side...guiding and leading me. And God never has to play "dress up" because God is true...and the same, yesterday, today, and tomorrow. God doesn't change, even if how we perceive God changes. And I am grateful that no matter how much I "dress up," God can see through that, and knows me for who I am.

We Are Creatures

2010-10-28T16:22:00.002-04:00

We often think of creatures as awful things. A creature is a creepy crawly thing. We often use the word, “creature,” in a sentence much like the following: “What is that hideous creature!” If we are not referring to worms, spiders, or some other generally detestable thing, the word “creature” is usually analogous to the word, “monster.” So to refer to a human being as a creature is thought to be an insult of some kind. Perhaps if someone called you a creature, you'd think that person was trying to say you are either ugly, evil, or good-for-nothing.

I'm here to tell you that you are a creature. I'm a creature, too. We're all creatures. And there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's pretty awesome to be a creature. Better to know that you are a creature than to think that you're not.

I'm sure many of you know that the root of the word, “creature,” is “create.” In essence, the definition of “creature” is, in my own words, “an animate creation.” A creature is a creation that can move, perhaps make noise; a creation that has life. To say that something is a creature is not a moral commentary of any kind. Creatures are not by definition ugly, evil, or good-for-nothing. A creature is simply something that has its origin in the work of someone or something. To say that humans are creatures, then, is simply to say that we were given life by someone or something.

Rudolf Otto was a philosopher of religion that wrote the book, The Idea of the Holy, and he argued that the ultimate source of peace, confidence, strength, enlightenment, and love is the acknowledgment that we are creatures. Otto argued that all cultures throughout time have had some “creature-consciousness.” In other words, that somewhere in our conscious minds and hearts we have a sense that there is something bigger than us that created us and gave us life. It is that creature-consciousness that, if we are aware of it, leads us through reflection to an awareness of God's presence. We can only be aware of God's presence, though, if we are first aware that we are creatures, that something hovers above and around us powerfully and mysteriously, mysteriously and powerfully.

There is nothing lowly nor demeaning in admitting that we are creatures. We are freed by that admission. We are God's creatures. Let's admit that. If we choose to think that we are not creatures, that we are independent beings who have given ourselves worth, then we ignore at least part of the love and mercy that God reaches out to us. Think of your parents. Some of you might not have great relationships with your parents, but I hope that we can all realize that no relationship is possible with our parents if we say to them, “You didn't create me. You had little to do with me or for me. I'm free of you.” All possibility of relationship would end the second you said that. The same is true with God. If in your heart you think, “I am free. I'm not a creature. I'm not lowly enough for that,” you sever some of the connection you can have with our heavenly Parent.

We are God's creatures. Think of how awesome that is. The one who created the universe, the world, and all things in it, created you, you personally, to have relationship with you. You are of divine origin. You are a divine creature. We are also human, yes. We all have our faults, but we cannot change the fact that God created us. From a divine source we come. To a divine purpose we are called. If we are not creatures, then we are only human. No part divine, no divine source, no divine calling, nothing but our human wretchedness.

Remember, you are a creature, a creation, of God. Jesus Christ came into the world to die for our sins, but He also came to open the path for us to attain our divine origin and calling. Feel free to awaken yourselves to that truth, to your divine origin, and reconnect fully with our Father, the parent of us all.

Jesus Heals

2010-10-14T16:42:00.001-04:00

Luke 17:11-19

I encourage you to read the passage. If you are lazy at the moment, then I hope my saying that this is the story in which Jesus heals ten lepers, but only one, a Samaritan, returns to Jesus to thank Him and give Him praise. The focal point of the story seems to be the fact that a Samaritan, not the other nine Israelites, praises Jesus as the Savior. I want to focus on something slightly different. I want to focus on a possible reason why the nine Israelites did not return to praise Jesus and thank Him.

Though all of the ten lepers called out to Jesus, "Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!," all claiming Jesus to be something special by using, "Master," only one of them returns to thank him. That's an incredible thing. All of them claim him as master to be healed, but only one still claims him as master after being healed. Surely, this story is one that expresses the universal saving ministry of Jesus, he wasn't the Savior only for Jews. At the same time, this story is a good example of human nature. Do we not ask for things from God, desperately claiming that we'd do anything for Him if we are granted our prayer, and then do not return Him thanks?

I hope that I'm not unusual, I hope that I'm not the only person who asks and asks of God in prayer but then, upon getting what I want, forget that it was God who gave me what I asked for. We pray to God... so that we can continue living on the way we want to. We so often don't actually care about God or a relationship with our heavenly Father. We care about getting what we want.

There's nothing wrong with asking God for things that we want (unless it's world domination or something). But the key is that we remain close to God. We need to keep our relationship with our Father a close one. We pray to God out of closeness, and then we praise God out of closeness. We should not run away and go our own way. The things we are given are only worthwhile for our ultimate happiness if we live in relationship with God.

Notice in verse 12: Luke tells us that the lepers kept their distance from Jesus as they asked him for healing. Why are they keeping their distance? One might argue that they didn't want to infect Jesus with the disease. But that doesn't make any sense. If they believed in Jesus' healing powers, would they not want to get as close to Jesus as possible? Would they not flock around him, believing that they'd be healed by Jesus rather than infecting Jesus?

The real issue here is not the universal ministry of Jesus. That's a big part of it, because clearly it matters that it was a Samaritan that returned to praise Jesus. But the real issue is that the other nine lepers did not actually believe in Jesus. Sure, they may have called him Master, but they did not believe that he was Master of anything. The lepers kept their distance from Jesus and didn't return to praise him. It seems to me that if people don't really believe in Jesus, they'd think that healing that occurs is of their own doing, or some natural occurrence. The lepers, not believing in Jesus, only cautiously approached what, I imagine, they thought of as a "so-called Master."

Jesus is not a "so-called Master." He is our Master, our Savior. Believe in him. Do not cautiously approach Christ, our Redeemer. Stay near to him, never leave him. He heals and he raises from the dead. Let not your faith waver, and let not the gracious gifts of God go unpraised.

(didn't realize Jesus healed them... and how they remain away from Jesus when they cry out to Him)

What is a Pastor's Job, Really?

2010-10-14T16:38:00.002-04:00

I've spent most of my life thinking that the pastor's job is to be the one who runs the church, performs the worship service, and occasionally take care of parishioners, and maybe some other stuff. Obviously, that is probably a good, though rather short, summary of what a pastor's job is. Many of you may want to ask, “Well what the heck else is there that the pastor does?” Essentially, nothing. In general, what the pastor does is very tangible and/or definable.

But we often ignore what the pastor's job really is, and in the process we often miss the true purpose of worshiping in church on Sunday. First of all, the pastor isn't filling a job. Sure, everyone has certain expectations of a pastor that they need to be aware of. At the end of the day, though, a pastor is called to fulfill a vocation. What's the difference between a job and a vocation? By definition, nothing. I draw a distinction between job and vocation because I tend to think that our understanding of “job” as a set of requirements to satisfy and once we've satisfied them we won't think about doing anything more, whereas a vocation to me is an abstract principle.

Let me quickly expand a little to explain what I mean. Every job has both a “job” and a “vocation.” For instance, a bookseller's job is to sell books, perhaps to take care of customers so well that the bookseller convinces people to buy more books. A bookseller's vocation, though, whether or not the bookseller thinks of it that way, is to increase the literacy of society, literacy in language and in literature. Certainly, some booksellers arrive at their job simply because that job was available and may not care what their vocation is. But the end result of selling books is the vocation: increasing the literacy of society. So we can think of one's vocation as the desired end of what we do, and one's job as the specifics we must do to achieve that desired end.

What is the pastor's desired end? What is the pastor's vocation? What does a pastor actually do? In all that they do, pastors are meant to create an atmosphere in which parishioners can experience God. A pastor's job is not to make people happy or to make the hour we spend on Sundays as enjoyable, as tolerable, as possible. Hopefully that's included in helping people experience God. But at the heart of a pastor's vocation is creating a holy atmosphere in which parishioners can hopefully say, “Today I experienced the love of Christ.”

No pastor should ever think, “I do such and such for the people of my congregation.” And no congregation should think, “Our pastor does such and such for us.” Yeah, “pastor” carries a job description, but focusing on the specifics of what a pastor does misses what a pastor actually does. A pastor's vocation is far more important a thing to focus on. And at the heart of it all, a pastor lets the Spirit work through them so that others may experience the eternal love of our Father.

That should have implications for those of us who sit in the pews on Sunday. We should not sit in church watching how well the pastor molds a worship service, how good of a sermon the pastor preaches, or hoping that the music can energize us enough to get us through the service. Let us put faith that our pastors are creating for us a space to experience God, and so let us glory in the presence of our beloved Father, no matter how well the pastor fulfills their “job.”

The Sky's the Limit?

2010-09-20T16:14:00.003-04:00

As a child, my mother would always encourage me to "dream big"--"The sky's the limit!' she would proclaim. I adopted that mindset and never thought of things I couldn't do...sure there are things I'm not very good at...but I never thought there were things that I couldn't do. Dream big...aim high..."Shoot for the moon, because if you miss, you'll still land among the stars." (Annonymous). This has been my mantra for years.

Recently though, I've been learning that some limitations are actually good. In recent weeks, I've been learning how to effectively pastor while navigating the muddy waters of church conflict. Some things are best handled "in-house"--like being screamed at and put down for my age/gender by a parishioner. Other things are best handed off to your superiors (and in this case, I don't mean God...I'm part of a denominational system that has some checks and balances...which sometimes are a pain, but other times help to provide a measure of protection)--things like my parsonage being in danger of collapsing (there is nothing holding up the floor upstairs...all the joists have been cut). This is one area that I am glad to hand off to someone...some limitations are good.

Yesterday was the annual Homecoming celebration for one of the churches I pastor. For them, it is a BIG deal...letters get mailed out, the potluck to end all potlucks is served, a guest preacher and musician are brought in...you get the idea. While we did get some new (and old!) visitors walking in the door, it wasn't quite as large and elaborate as I felt I had been led to believe. It was good...(and I particularly enjoyed not preaching for the first time in 38 weeks!), but I wasn't sure what to expect. Our guest preacher was the District Superintendent (AKA, my boss). At one point while we were leading the service, she leaned over to me and said, "I can sense the joy you have when leading worship. Also, I love how much hospitality undergirds all that you do." I was glad that she said something...and glad that the joy shines through...I really do get great joy out of leading worship! I am a strong proponent of "radical love, radical hospitality;" but I didn't know that it was that obvious when I was praying for our homebound members! Good...but something to think about. If that shines through, what remains hidden when I lead worship? What are my limitations?

Today, I discovered another limitation. I went to a pastoral care visit and almost passed out. This person was just released from the hospital after 4 months + after a bad accident on a farm. He is still facing more surgeries and being out of work for another year. He still might need to have a leg amputated. Only time will tell. I hadn't seen him in a few weeks, and we were catching up...he was telling me about the latest medical issues and describing the wounds. I have a strong stomach (seriously!), but for some reason, all of a sudden, I started to get flush, hot, felt the need to vomit and thought I was going to pass out. There was no air circulation in the room, and no where to sit down--the bed took up most of the space. Finally, I decided to just sink to the floor...I didn't want to pass out there! A few minutes later I felt a lot better...and the man didn't realize what had [almost] happened. (Thank God!)

I realized that I have limitations too...and sometimes I need to speak up for my needs, so that I can better care for the needs of others. The sky might be the limit...but this pastor has human limits too!

Atheists: Faith Doesn't Matter

2010-09-15T13:30:00.003-04:00

One of the first questions I hear atheists asking in a discussion on faith is, "What if you're wrong?" That question is generally followed by, "Why do you deny yourself certain life pleasures just because your religion says so? Won't you feel like you missed out on a lot in life if you die and found out you're wrong? Since we can't know, we might as well enjoy ourselves as much as we can."

I can certainly answer by saying that we do know God exists, or respond by turning around and asking, "Yeah, but what if you're wrong? God will be pretty darn mad." I won't do that, though. Those responses are inconclusive and leave both parties saying, "Well, I guess it just comes down to what we believe and what we don't." Of course, everything comes down to whether we have faith or not. There's really no point in arguing for the existence of God or arguing in defense of faith because arguments won't convince anyone, only faith will.

I will argue in defense of the principles of religion, though. I'll do so because it doesn't matter if we as Christians are right. It doesn't matter if we believe in a God that doesn't actually exist. It doesn't matter if all of our religion, and all of other religions, were simply man-made creations. In short, it doesn't matter if we have faith or not, the principles of religion do matter and are good for us nonetheless.

Now, a lot of people might think I'm a terrible person for saying that faith doesn't matter in any way, shape or form, or in any context. Before I continue, then, I'll make clear that I'm not saying faith in God doesn't matter. It does. Without faith in God we have no reason to be in relationship with Him, and relationship with our Father in heaven is the only thing that will bring us the inner joy we're meant to experience. All I'm saying is that faith doesn't matter in the context of whether or not the principles of religion are right and good for us. I'm responding to the question, "What if you're wrong?" And my answer is, "It doesn't matter if I'm wrong. I'm still living the best possible way."

First of all, I'm not living up to the principles of my religion, I'm just trying really hard to. Secondly, what do I mean by the principles of my religion? I mean those principles we are told to live by, namely the Ten Commandments, loving all our brothers and sisters on this earth, sexual morality, and loving God, ourselves, and others above all else, which in some denominations means no drinking alcohol, giving significant time and money to serving the poor and oppressed, avoiding gluttony, avoiding bad/immoral speech, and spending time in prayer and devotion. Personally I believe all those principles should be included in every denomination.

Sexual morality is a big one in there. It's most often in regards to sex that people ask, "What's wrong with you? What if you're wrong?" I'm sure sex is extremely pleasurable, but my faith tells me to wait until I'm married. And if I don't marry, no sex. Even for those who haven't had sex it's oftentimes hard for people to imagine how one can go through life purposely retaining one's virginity. Generally, people who aren't guided by faith couldn't care less.

I tell you, though, that regardless of whether you have faith or not, the principles of religion will increase the amount of peace and joy in your life. God doesn't want to deny us anything that would be good for us, He wants the best for us. The best for us, as individuals and as a community, includes all the things I listed above.

In terms of sex: females especially feel an incredible amount of turmoil that she wouldn't have ordinarily if a relationship ends that was sexually active. Whether we want to admit it or not, we give of ourselves a little bit to every sexual partner we have. So when that person is no longer in our lives, we've lost something. Furthermore, every time we engage in sexual activities with someone we don't love with our entire being we degrade the act of sex. Obviously you can say that doesn't matter because it still feels good. Sure, it still feels good, but having sex with your spouse will not be nearly as special as it should be if you have already had sex. Why does that matter? Well, from Genesis to Jesus we're told that man and woman are meant to be one flesh. Marriage is what reunites us together, man and woman, and transforms us into one being, our total being. Some of us are called to remain single, but for the rest of us only marriage can fulfill us. If we experience elements of marriage before we're actually married then that union cannot be truly complete.

If you've had sex before marriage, I'm not condemning you. I'm not trying to make you hopeless. What I'm saying is that the things that God has told us to do are what will bring us the most peace, joy, and contentment in the long run. We shouldn't live righteously simply because we believe in God and He tells us to. We shouldn't live righteously simply to make our separation from others more clear. No, we should live rightly because it's good for us. That's why God has worked so hard to tell us to live a certain way. If we do, we'll be more at more peace with our life. Faith doesn't matter. Living rightly, in the manner that Christians say we should, is always the best thing for us, even when it doesn't seem good at all. It's not best for us just because we have faith.

The thing is, though, that same peace and contentment can simply come from having faith and a relationship with our Father. In that sense, faith does matter. Others who don't believe must follow the law closely to be righteous and find the same peace that we receive simply by having a relationship with our loving and forgiving Father in heaven.

The Catholic Church

2010-09-09T22:07:00.003-04:00

The Roman Catholic Church is perhaps the most antagonized denomination in Christianity, perhaps the most antagonized element of all religion. Many of Rome's positions upset our social understandings of equality, rights, or tolerance. Simply, they're not progressive enough. And the amount of control exercised in the Roman Catholic hierarchy is often terrifying, especially to those of us who live in the United States where individual liberty is such a highly respected ideal.

What the Roman Catholic Church as going for it, though, is that its members are committed to a universal church of the faithful. Many Catholic congregants will privately tell you that they disagree with this and that position of the Pope but they will still live within the doctrines of the Church out of respect for the church universal, the worldwide faithful, which includes the many mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers of the faithful who have long since passed away from our earthly world. Public indignation and open disobedience toward the Roman Catholic Church are very rarely displayed by its own members.

I am not writing in favor of the Roman Catholic Church, though I could do that if I so chose. Instead, I'm writing in favor of the catholic church, the little c version. The catholic church as in the church universal. I am a United Methodist, so my discussion will reflect issues harboring in the United Methodist church, but one could probably insert another denomination of choice whenever I say, "United Methodist."

The United Methodist Church, as with all denominations, asks of us our commitment to the church universal. Many in the church take that to mean public and indignant disapproval of the United Methodist Discipline (the book of our doctrines and practices) that amounts to intellectual, if not actual and physical, disobedience to the foundational and guiding document of our faith, not to mention the tradition handed down to us from our faithful mothers and fathers. Our particular difficulty at the moment is the acceptance of homosexuality. Personally I affirm what the Discipline currently says on the issue, which is that while we no doubt should love and welcome homosexuals, the practice of homosexuality is "incompatible with Christian teaching." That decision has been reached through the reflective discussion of a community of the faithful throughout history.

I want to be clear. I'm not in favor of an unchanging, unquestionable human structure that calls itself "religion" in the name of control, especially a control that is oppressive or unjust. Our faith in Christ calls us to love and equality. Even so, when we speak and act out against the church we have committed to and devoted our membership to, we need to be careful.

We first need to be careful because if we commit to our own arrogance that we individually know better than the church united throughout history, our attitude and position threatens to divide the church irreparably and create the Once-United Methodist Church. Our mission is to be faithful disciples of Christ. Perhaps unfortunately, we don't unanimously agree on how to be faithful disciples. Let us not assume that "clearly" the United Methodist Church's doctrines should change because they are currently somehow inadequate. Let us not assume that "clearly" where we individually see the United Methodist Church lacking that all other members should or do see things our way. We must seek improvement in Christian brotherhood and sisterhood, gently and calmly, so that the Holy Spirit has room to move. Perhaps we who seek improvement in our church's doctrines and practices are wrong. If we seek improvement gently, then the Spirit has the opportunity to tell us that, in fact, the current doctrines of the church are the reflection of God's call for His people. In the same way, if improvements are sought gently (and resistance to change performed gently) then changes are much less likely to create a new branch of the church. And we who agree with the current iteration of the Discipline should take any changes with a calm spirit, believing that discussions done in a gentle spirit will always reflect the wishes and calling of God.

We should also be careful, and here I would like to add some emphasis, because of the existence of our Holy Scriptures. If we believe that changes should be made to the United Methodist Church, what basis do we have? Are we saying that changes need to be made to keep up with the trends of society? Has society shown us better ways to incorporate love and wholeness into our lives than Scripture does? Is Scripture inadequate? Are we saying that the 2,000 year history of Christian churches have gotten it wrong and suddenly the cultures of the last half-century have found a better way of living? Yes, appropriate changes to our faith have been made so that our churches and our individual understandings are more in tune with Scripture. But by changing our stance on homosexuality, are we becoming any more faithful to the witness of God through Christ?

Again, our interpretations of Scripture invariably differ. But Christ does say that marriage is between a man and a woman to become one flesh, a repetition of our Genesis story. If Christ is wrong, if St. Paul and our other biblical witnesses are all wrong, then how do we determine authority? When do we say Scripture is a faithful witness of God's call to our lives and when it's not? Who gets to make that decision?

You see, the second we say that Christ got something wrong, we run into issues of authority. We then put our own individual and cultural understandings above the text we all have said, as Christians, to be our primary witness. Let's not worship the Bible. But let's take it seriously.

Changes may need to be made to the United Methodist Church and other denominations, but we need to be careful. We need to be slow and gentle, letting the Holy Spirit guide us. And we need to consider what source is guiding our inspiration: society or Scripture, personal convictions or revelation of God. Most of all, we need to understand the importance of a catholic church. I will not say, "If you don't like it, find a denomination that will." Our personal convictions and varying compromises with society have led to enough division in our catholic church that has damaged our credibility to the world and our sense of familial love.

Taking a Break...

2010-09-04T13:11:00.003-04:00

It's been a while since I've posted. I've been busy--I took 3 summer classes, each in an "intensive" format (a semester's worth of material condensed into 2 or 3 weeks). It was exhausting. I thoroughly enjoyed each of my classes (Sociology of Religion, United Methodist History, United Methodist Doctrine), but especially in the third class--Doctrine--I struggled to absorb and internalize the material. I was able to regurgitate the info, but I didn't have enough time to do some thoughtful reflection on what I truly believe--do I agree with this?

The day after class ended, I preached on Sunday (as usual), and then headed off to West River Center for a week of fun in the heat and sun with 17 campers ranging in age from 4th to 7th grades. I also had 4 volunteer high schoolers as "Counselors-in-Training" (CITs), and 5 college or post-college aged counselors...although not all of them were able to be there for the whole week. All of the counseling staff were amazing! We had great chemistry and were able to have fun after the kids went to bed with activities like "noodle wars" or "noodle archery" :)

I was the leader of this "unruly" group. And it was absolutely amazing! The campers never fail to teach me about faith--this time around, they reminded me what a blessing worship is. They had the chance to go swimming, tubing, climb a wall, ride a giant swing, shoot some arrows at archery, play games, canoe, eat s'mores at a campfire, sing crazy songs, run around and have fun...but their favorite activity was worship! They wanted to stay in worship all night and all day! What a blessing!

While we were there, there were also a few cabins of campers (middle and high schoolers) who were at camp for a week for free. This was a chance for these kids to get away from city life...where each one had experienced violence...and into a safe environment where they could experience the love of God. The campers from the different groups clashed a lot the first few days...they came from very different cultural backgrounds. But by the end of the week, all of them were mingling, eating together, helping one another, and truly being the Body of Christ--all by their own choice.

I came back from a week of little sleep, shared showers and grody-ness, refreshed, rejuvenated and energized to continue ministry. My time at camp was my sabbath time. I realized how much I had needed a break.

I do this fairly often...I don't realize I'm getting burned out until I come back from something that renews me. Taking sabbath time is difficult for me--it always has been--but is tricky now, because I go to school 3 days per week, lead worship, etc. on Sundays, lead Bible Study and take care of church meetings another day, do sermon/worship-prep another day, and homework the last day. I don't have a lot of spare time. I try to remember to take sabbath time each day, since I can't get a full day at one time. But that doesn't always work. Taking off a Sunday is hard when the churches you serve don't want to let you go...or count time that you are preaching elsewhere as your "vacation." And as every preacher will tell you...you can't go on vacation during the week and still be expected to preach on Sunday morning (or whenever you worship).

I've been hearing from folks a lot lately that I need to take better care of myself...for years I've had "lectures" from a couple of mentors about saying "no" to things, getting enough sleep, exercising and eating right...all the stuff we all know to do, but sometimes let slip. My Staff-Parish Chair has been getting on my case recently too. But it's hard to say that the congregations are part of the problem. Recently, my Staff-Parish Chair and one of my mentors met for the first time...and the three of us will be working together for the next 2 years in a "learning team" to maximize the educational benefit of my serving a parish. They told me that one of my learning goals must be "self-care" and I got a stern look from my mentor, who said, "And we WILL be talking about self-care...you're not going to get out of this," right before we drove off in separate cars. Another friend was getting on my case when I was telling her about this story.

I know in my head that I need to take care of myself...and I do a better job than I used to...but why is it sooo hard to put self-care into practice? Why do I resist it so much? I know that in order to care for my congregations, I need to care for myself. I understand. But somehow, there is a disconnect between the brain and the actions. Sometimes, I force myself to go out and walk...because I'm afraid of the wrath of my mentor more than I care about the exercise. *Sigh* As I begin a new academic year, I really do need to remember to take a break...

Will you journey with me on this quest for sabbath time? Will you hold me accountable even if I resist? Sabbath time...either from Genesis (God rested on the 7th day) or Deuteronomy (5:12-15--to be used to remember God's deliverance of the Israelites from Egypt and slavery)...it doesn't matter...the regular rhythm of work and rest is key to a healthy body and a healthy spirituality...even Jesus pulled away for rest and renewal. Why do I value myself less than that? And what does that say about me and my self-esteem? I need to take a break...

The Bike Journey

2010-09-03T19:43:00.005-04:00

I must admit, most of what I'm saying here was stolen from a conversation I had with the pastor that I'm currently interning for at University UMC at College Park. Regardless, everything is an original thought, just for you, my beloved readers.

As most young males my age who grew up riding a bike, coming into maturity brings a crisis. Do I continue riding a one-speed, BMX bike as I have all my life and just deal with how bad they are in terms of speed and distance, do I stop riding a bike altogether, or do I invest lots of money in a road or mountain bike? Unless you are one of the rare few who can make a living racing or doing tricks on a BMX bike, this question is almost universal to all young males who ever owned a bike.

Most people choose to give up riding a bike altogether. BMX bikes are too slow and too hard to ride more than a couple of miles if hills are involved. The comfort and convenience of a car is clearly preferred. But some of us are dedicated to saving the environment, or getting as much exercise as possible, or having our own physical effort blow wind in our face and give us the rush of flying down a hill.

For the second group (which obviously can and often does include females. I talk of young males simply because riding a BMX bike is often a sign of "cool"ness in our younger years and most of us in suburbia own a bike at some point in our lives), riding a bike becomes a somewhat serious endeavor. There are some of those really dedicated riders who buy special riding clothes and go out for 40 mile bike rides simply to have "fun." Honestly, I will never be one of those people. I sweat too profusely for that to ever be enjoyable and I don't like pushing my body to its limits. Riding a bike is extremely enjoyable, though. But to get to a point where you can ride 10, 15, 20, 25 miles in one sitting, you have to possess some riding skill.

For me, my love of God's Creation is what convinces me to hop on my bike whenever possible. Others really love getting exercise. Mountain bikers live for the top of a mountain (or, for the really adventurous, they live for the bottom of a mountain). Having a real solid motivation for finishing out the bike ride is the first key, the first element to riding skill. Without a firm belief in what you're doing you'll never finish. The same is true in this life of faith. If we don't spend the time talking to God and reflecting on our relationship with Him, and truly enjoying our time with Him, then our faith will be the first thing to run into trouble when our life finds a crisis to wallow in. We could probably say that about any relationship, let alone our relationship with God. If we think we love a girlfriend or boyfriend but haven't ensured that our love is true, solid, and whole, then we better watch out for the first fight. If you want to have a meaningful, peaceful, joyful relationship with God, don't take it for granted. There is no way I could have survived my 20 mile bike ride the other day if I had simply one day woken up and decided to start riding a bike instead of driving my car. Every time I get on my bike (Cato is his name) I ask myself if saving the environment really means enough for me to tire out my body. I take a few minutes of silence, and if the answer isn't a very firm yes, I just don't go out that day. We've got to really want our relationship with God. It's a two-way street, and we have to do our part, we have to put in our time. It wouldn't matter how much I care about the environment if I didn't put time and effort into doing something about it, because if I didn't, I'd still be doing my part to destroy our lovely home.

The faith lessons we can learn from riding a bike don't stop there. Those of you who don't do much biking may be able to understand the need for a real solid motivation when biking. The thought of riding long distances can be intimidating, so clearly one needs an unwavering motivation. The other elements of biking skills may need to be taken on trust. If that is the case, I promise you can trust me.

Maybe I'm the only one who watches the Tour de France. If you ever have, though, you may have been confused by some of the announcers' comments, such as, "So and so has better mechanics than such and such." At first I asked, "All they are doing is pedaling. Isn't the only difference how powerful their legs are?" With more experience I realized that's not at all a good question. Particularly with mountain biking, balance is absolutely essential. You don't want to hit a tree stump or fall unexpectedly into a ditch with an off-balance bike. Trust me, the results aren't pretty. Even with road biking, though, if you don't keep the bike balanced you lose a lot of energy. Often bikers will pedal as hard as they can and the bike will lean back and forth, as if it were on a pendulum. I don't mean that the bike isn't going straight. The biker just lets the bike tilt from a lean toward the left pedal, then the right pedal, then the left, so on. One can hardly blame the biker for doing that. It's easier to push down hard on the pedal when you lean to one side. But if you were to pedal with the same rhythm and strength without leaning at all, you'd find that you can ride the same distance faster and without exerting the same amount of energy.

Let's think about that real quick. Without balance, it doesn't matter how hard the biker pedals, they will always lose speed and energy. Interesting. I bet you can see where I'm going with this. Yes, obviously, leg muscles are a huge factor in biking fast and far, but without balance you won't ever reach your full potential. And without balance, you'll always finish the ride totally exhausted. Balance is necessary in our faith journey as well. You'll lose steam if you push hard in one area of your life to the exclusion of others, and then push hard in some other area of your life, and then push hard in yet another, all the while focusing with all your available energy on only one area of your life. That will tire you out quickly and require lots of rejuvenation... or might lead some to drop certain activities when it's not necessary to do so. Balance all things, knowing that God is pleased and with us when we are calm and centered. When we've been riding for an hour or more balance is hard to come by. We want to put everything we have into every pedal and that means leaning a bit, if not a lot. That's another spot where a solid motivation keeps us going. At the ironic moment when we think we can't go any longer and start riding in such a way that drains us of our energy even faster, a solid motivation can solidify our concentration and focus to allow us to remain balanced even when we're exhausted because instead of thinking, "Geez, I just need to get through this," we're thinking, "I'm doing this for all the right reasons, so I'm getting at least some pleasure from this pain."

One last comment on the lessons of bike riding. I could go on for a lot longer on the subject, but I won't. I'll let you hop on your own bike and reflect on it. Here we go. On a road or mountain bike, the higher gear means it will be harder to pedal, but it also means that each rotation of the pedals takes you farther. Sort of like a car: 2,500 revolutions per minute in 2nd gear doesn't result in as high a speed as 2,500 rpm in 4th gear. The problem with driving a car, though, is that we as the driver aren't necessarily privy to how much harder 4th gear is on the car. On a bike it's hard to miss the difference. 7th gear is much harder than 3rd gear. Most people hop on a bike, realize that the first few gears are easy and not letting them feel the wind on their face, and push into 6th, 7th, 8th gears. At first they feel a little stress in their legs but think it's no big deal. After five minutes they start thinking differently. Granted, they may have reached some high speeds, but the tortoise wins the race. If you're feeling pain in your legs you better be near the end of your ride or get in a lower gear. High speeds are only temporary if you can't do it with some ease. Clearly, then, we must learn to slow down. No matter how sure we are that we are called by God to a certain project or lifestyle, we must bike the race at a pace comfortable to us until we can build up some endurance, or else we'll burn out too quickly and take decades rather than a few years to achieve goals. Over a thirty mile trek, someone riding at a speed at the cusp of what's comfortable for them will always arrive before someone riding as fast as their legs will allow at all times. The latter will need a thousand breaks and eventually even a 3rd or 2nd gear may bring immense pain. Let's learn to love the length of life God has given us. He wouldn't call us to a task that we don't have time for. So let's take our time, be comfortable, enjoy the sights, and love our conversations along the way. And also, let us know that God wants to spend time with us without demanding that we accomplish certain tasks to earn His love. Whatever we are called to, it's so others may know how much God loves them, not so that He will love us for doing something good.

I encourage you to get on a bike. Sweat a little. Pretend you're Lance Armstrong. Feel your legs ache. Save God's Creation. Most of all, though, get on the bike and reflect on how it's a mini-metaphor for our life with God. Maybe you can even think of the bike you ride as God, if it helps. Peace.

The end of the beginning...

2010-08-19T12:53:00.000-04:00

What a victory for the equality of all people especially lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer (lgbtq) people. Judge Walker has ruled that it violates the US Constitution to discriminate against lgbtq people by denying them access to marriage. This ruling says there is not “gay marriage” or “straight marriage” only marriage which is open to all people and can not be denied to anyone. It says that in no way are lgbtq couples inferior to heterosexual couples. This is such a momentous step and it could be the beginning of dominoes toppling. I can see it coming. First the overturning of this discriminatory law is upheld and then equality begins to pick up momentum. Before long another discriminatory marriage law is struck down and then another and then another just like dominoes each one leading to another falling until finally all the laws discriminating against lgbtq people are gone. What a time to be alive, to see equality become a reality. But we are not there yet.

I believe it was Winston Churchill who first used the phrase “the end of the beginning”. This is where I believe we are, moving from the beginning of our struggle to the middle. We are not at the end and those who oppose equality are only going to push back harder. We can not get complacent and assume victory will come because if we do then the progress we are making will be lost. Celebrate our victory today and then tomorrow get up and continue the struggle. There is still so much work to do before we will have full equality for all people.

Then of course we can not forget that even as it looks like there will be equality under the law we still do not have equality in the United Methodist Church. Membership. The Book of Discipline still contains the discriminatory and untrue language that states “homosexuality is incompatible with Christian teachings”. In 2012 we will meet again for General Conference this time in Tampa and I am sure we will once again bring the issue of equality to the table. This means we have a little less than two years to help shape the way the General Conference will vote on the issues of equality and inclusion. This is a huge task but one that is not beyond our reach if we spend the next two years telling our stories and speaking out for the cause of inclusion. Talk to the people in your congregation, talk to your neighbors, talk to your co-workers, talk to everyone, and tell them about God's inclusive love and why it is so important for us as the church to be open and welcoming to all people. The world is changing and it is an exciting time to be alive. Let us pray that as the world moves forward so the church will also.

In the strangest of places...

2010-08-15T21:20:00.000-04:00

A few minutes ago I did something I almost never do...

I clicked on a Facebook ad.

This particular blurb was advertising a book called "The Day Metallica Came To Church" by John Van Sloten. I clicked on it and got to download the first chapter for free. Three pages in, I went to Amazon and bought the book - and immediately started re-planning my fall curriculum for the high school youth group I direct.

I've found that the books I enjoy most and get the most out of tend to delve into truths that I recognize intrinsically, but have never really thought deeply about. This book does exactly that, with the concept that God is found anywhere, everywhere and in everything. I've never had a problem exploring outside the boundaries of traditional Christian thought for nuggets of truth, and it was only recently that I ran head-on into the realization that mainstream Christianity is mortally afraid of any truth we haven't corporately poked, prodded and pulverized into bland submission. Somehow we've converted our faith from the blueprint for truth-seeking into the whole house of truth, apart from which nothing can stand. One of my favorite quotes on truth comes from John Calvin, who said "all truth is inspired by the Holy Spirit". How have we become so afraid of taking spiritual paths less-traveled? How do I negotiate my call to bring the youth of my church closer to Christ with my own desire to seek out the light and life of Christ in all things - even things the church has traditionally rejected?

Clouds in the Mountains

2010-08-03T19:24:00.004-04:00

I recently returned from a hiking trip that my father, good friend (Calvin) and I had been planning for months and heavily anticipated. The hike was not supposed to be particularly long nor difficult, but because it traversed the popular presidential range in New Hampshire's White Mountains, we needed to reserve our spots in the huts many months beforehand. The huts are necessary unless you plan to hike the entire range in one day, which would be quite a feat, because camping above the alpine zone would be your only other option, which is both illegal and rather dangerous. So, while by necessity we had to plan our trip months ahead of time, the hike wasn't particularly anything special. Countless hikers with various experience hike the same trail of approximately 23 miles and eight presidential mountains, all well over 4,000 feet and six over 5,000 feet, including the tallest and most famous mountain east of the Mississippi River, Mount Washington.

Whatever special feelings one might experience on the hike are due mostly to psychological factors. One must plan months ahead of time to reserve a spot in the huts. That period of waiting creates a very intense knot of expectation in the hiker disproportionate to the length and difficulty of the hike (though, if I can do some bragging, an inexperienced hiker or one not in good shape will dream of a nice soft bed during the hike). In addition to that, you are well-aware the entire hike that you are scaling what is widely regarded as the hardest range of mountains on the Appalachian Trail; a significant percentage of the 40 4,000 foot mountains in New Hampshire; and one of the most famous mountains in the country. One cannot help but feel satisfied when they arrive at the Lake of the Clouds hut (named for the rather large lake one finds near the hut, over 5,000 feet above sea level), pick a book off the shelf of the library there, and realize that they are now reading a book from the highest library east of the Mississippi. Of course, the psychological wonder created by the waiting period and the checking off of various achievements on the hiker's bucket list is not the only reason why hiking the presidential range is so popular.

The advertised views one can see from the presidential peaks (by the way, it's called the presidential range because it includes Mts. Washington, Jefferson, Eisenhower, Madison, Monroe, Franklin, Pierce, Jackson, and some others) and the ridges connecting them are breath-taking. Not the least of which is the view from Mount Washington, which on a good day can extend to around 200 miles each direction. All-in-all, a hiker prepares for a hike along the presidential range expecting a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

I spend so much time detailing the hike that I went on because I'm long-winded. You should know this by now if you've read my other posts. I also want you to get a feel for how special the hike can be to anyone who cares about scaling mountains either as a physical activity or an emotional/spiritual one, or both. For me, my love of hiking is inherently a spiritual one intimately connected to my love of Creation. It was just over two years ago that I first watched Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth. We can argue about the science involved in that movie (which I might do in a later post), but it struck a chord in my soul and I was launched into a crash course in appreciating the world God has given us and a developing sense of how to better take care of the environment. It was only one year ago that I first went on a hike of any length. I had realized that one way to take care of the environment is to stop engaging in activities that required the use of a car or any other form of energy and instead hop on my bike. Soon thereafter I realized that the most adventurous (and, clearly, the most fun) ways to enjoy my bike rides were to find trails in the woods. Very quickly my love and care for Creation turned into an obsession with using non-harmful modes of travel to experience the natural beauty and wonder all around us. Even if you understand hiking to be a purely physical activity, though, I hope that since you are reading this post on an explicitly religious blog the metaphor of climbing mountains is not lost on you.

As a metaphor, climbing mountains is nothing but spiritual. Time and again we hear from the stories and traditions handed down to us that living as a disciple of Christ is much like climbing a mountain: it can be extremely difficult and painful at times, if not all the time, but the mountaintop view we are promised is extraordinary. Perhaps the most vivid story that comes to my mind is Dante's Inferno, even though that story refers to the after-life. To reach the gates of heaven one must first climb a mountain and conquer the various sins.

When on my hike, I was struck with a somewhat damning question: how many of us have put in the effort of the climb without ever experiencing the promised mountaintop experience? I know at least a handful of Christians who have renounced the faith because they never experienced that unexplainable experience we so often talk about and sing about. Is our experiencing of that mountaintop greatness simply a matter of chance? a matter of the causally defined situation we find ourselves in and how we respond to it?

I found that I couldn't budge the questions for two reasons. First, as much as I care for and appreciate Creation, I have not once felt what I expected to at the top of a mountain or at the bottom of a brilliant waterfall. Certainly, the experience has been inspiring, but as far as I know I have not experienced God any more at the top of a mountain than I could walking down the street. I began to think that climbing mountains had become a drug for me: a certain feeling was promised me, but, since I had not attained it and the experience seemingly grew more plain, I searched harder and harder for that other-worldly experience. Second, we were graced on our hike with terrible weather.

Although the forecast promised us good weather, at least by day two, we encountered no good weather whatsoever. In fact, the weather worsened on day two. Imagine how hard it is to bear climbing mountains you've been planning to for months only to be unable to see anything because you are stuck in an unending cloud. Imagine how hard is to bear a 30-pound back and thousands of feet of elevation when you can't see anything. Imagine how hard is to bear when, not only can you not see any wonderful sights, but you struggle to see through the fog the next trail marker. Imagine how hard is to bear when you've climbed thousands of feet for hours and, instead of sitting on rocks and enjoying the view, you are crouched between rocks to shield yourself from the cold, blasting wind. We were even more cursed on our hike when we had a view of green down in the valley through the clouds for a few seconds. We thought it was a sign that the clouds were breaking as the forecast promised. In fact, no such thing was happening. The clouds and heavy wind would stay with us the entire way.

By dinner-time we arrived at the Lake of the Clouds hut. Unfortunately, we could only see about twenty feet of the lake. We had high hopes that the next morning we'd be able to see everything, as we were promised, and everything would be worth it. We awoke the next morning to some very troublesome news. The hut crew informed us that the wind chill had crept significantly below freezing, the wind had increased to 80-100 miles per hour at the top of Mount Washington (60-80 along the 5,000 foot high ridges that we would be on all day long), and visibility had shrunk to a maximum of 75 feet. In sum, if we decided to hike the 8 miles we had planned that day along the exposed ridges, up Mount Washington and 3 other mountains, we'd be hiking through conditions ripe for hypothermia if we were lucky and being swept off the mountain by a wind gust if we were fatally unlucky. Calvin and I desperately wanted to continue anyway, a third in hope that the clouds would clear at some point that day, a third because we had come far as it was and had waited so long to do the hike, and a third because risky yet calculated adventures are exciting to us. My father overruled us. Rather than continue we'd climb down the mountain and end our hike.

Now, here's where I get to the point of the story. My father's ruling that the weather was too dangerous to continue on disappointed Calvin and me without end. We actually briefly considered running off on our own. Looking back on it all I regret to say that the only thing that stopped me from going off on our own was that we realized my dad was our only way home. But Calvin had a better reason for dealing with our disappointment and heading down the mountain with my father. "We're a party," Calvin said, "we have to stick together." Calvin isn't exactly the type of person that you'd think would be guided in life by solid principles. As much as I know that not to be true, his comment still surprised me. I asked him why sticking together matters, and he replied, "Well, hiking alone can still be fun and enjoyable in many ways, but when you're this high up and exposed to the elements like this it becomes extremely dangerous to do anything slightly risky by yourself. But being a party is more than just a means to safety. When you head out in a group, you've made a commitment that you'll do the hike together. If one hiker slows down, we all slow down; if one hiker doesn't feel comfortable fighting the weather, then we all feel uncomfortable. That's just the way it is."

At this point you might think Calvin is a saint in my life. I won't stop you from thinking that. I will say, however, that I detected in his voice the same intense disappointment that I felt. I don't know about Calvin, but I was partly so frustrated with the decision because, despite my father's constant badgering about being prepared for a hike and for all types of weather and circumstances and being careful, as if Calvin and I were hardly mature enough to be responsible, my dad was the only one of the three of us who wasn't prepared for the weather. My dad never said anything about his not having the right gear, still I couldn't help but think that he wanted to get down from the mountain only because he was unprepared. As Calvin said, though, I just had to deal, because we were a party.

Though I'll always remember the trip as the time I should have climbed Mount Washington and didn't, the hike down was still quite a thrill. The visibility was so bad that when I stopped at one point to fix a strap on my pack, I couldn't see anyone when I got the pack back on. They had only walked about 40 feet and I couldn't see them. I thought that was really cool. Obviously I recognized the danger in that. I had told the others that I needed to fix something, but because the howling of the wind was so loud no one heard me. After I caught up with them I told them that we needed to walk closer together and look behind us more often to make sure we're all still together. I think we all realized just how adventurous our hike down the mountains could be. It wasn't the, "Hey, let's go on an adventure!" type deal, it was the more real, "Hey, this is actually dangerous" type of adventure.

We were encountered with some more danger not much after I couldn't see anyone. We were approaching a little ledge that we'd have to climb down, and right as Calvin was about to turn around to start climbing down, a huge wind gust blew Calvin forward and almost blew him right over the ledge. Thankfully, Calvin has reflexes like a cat and bent down to grab on to a rock and stabilize himself. After we knew he was ok, we all started laughing. This was going to be fun!!

As we were climbing down the ledge, we realized just how serious the wind gusts could be. At times when we tried putting our feet down a gust would come and move our foot a few inches, causing us to step awkwardly and off-balance on whichever rock we were aiming for, then we'd lose balance. Sometimes quick thinking and fast reflexes weren't much of a help in regaining our balance because another gust might come and throw us off even more. There were a couple of slips with plenty of scrapes.

Not much later, as we were walking along a ridge, a gust blew my foot off the path completely. My foot landed awkwardly on a rock, I lost my balance, and because we were on a ridge I had nothing to grab on to, nothing to protect me even in the slightest from the wind, so it was near impossible to regain my balance. I never did regain my balance. The wind took advantage of my imbalance and blew me off the path along with my foot. I was a few feet off the path, not far away from a big drop-off that would have broken some bones at least, before Calvin was able to grab onto me and and hold me steady. The ridge was only half a mile long, perhaps a bit longer, but it took us well over an hour to get to the end of it. We learned from my experience and kept having to crouch down whenever a gust came and wait for the wind to die down to the 50-70 mph range again.

When we finally got to a place that dropped down that would provide us with some rock cover from the wind, we saw a couple on their way up the mountain. The couple had stopped because of the wind and were hoping that it was only temporary. Our conversation with them, urging them to head back down if they didn't feel comfortable hiking in the high winds (which they weren't, and because the wind most certainly was not temporary), was more like a screaming contest. The wind howled so much that it felt like we were talking on opposite ends of a football field.

Obviously, we survived the whole ordeal. Getting to the bottom of the mountain was quite a disappointment, though. We were unable to finish the hike that I had been anticipating for so long. We were also unable to do the most exciting parts of that hike, or to see anything while doing the little bit that we did. The disappointment was particularly intense for me because my knee didn't exactly hold up very well on the way down, and I was facing the very real possibility that this would be my last hike. All in all, I never had the long-awaited mountaintop experience I expected.

I've told this long story basically to share two things. Reflecting on the experience made me realize just how important working as a team or a community is. Certainly, I very well would have fallen off the mountainside if Calvin weren't there to steady me. The trip would not have been enjoyable for my father in the least if he felt obligated to keep up with the extremely fast pace Calvin and I are capable of, or if Calvin and I went off on our own to complete the hike despite the danger. While one person might hold a group back, it's important that the group stay back with that person and lift them up. Hope and peace to all is far more important than selfish regard.

More importantly, though, I realized how enlightening my experience was on the metaphorical spiritual mountaintop experience. All of us Christians hear about the wonderful moment where we feel on top of the world spiritually and everything looks beautiful. Climbing a mountain is a great metaphor for that experience because most of us will only get there after lots of struggle and effort. We have to come to terms, however, with the fact that sometimes we'll climb the mountain, struggling and fighting the whole way, and not see anything beautiful or what we expected. We can't let that deter us from a deeper relationship with God. Sometimes the weather just doesn't cooperate. Sometimes the weather of our own soul is too clouded when we get to the top of the mountain. Whatever the reason, we can look back with some reflection and see that the climb up to the top and down to the valley again was in itself a thrilling adventure. Calvin and I were upset that we didn't get to do or see what we wanted, but all of us talked and laughed on the ride home about how much fun we had, how many close encounters with serious danger we had, about the people we met; and we were busy planning other hikes we could take in the future.

The expectations of what we will find, or be rewarded with, when we finally get to our mountaintop experience can often be a burden to us. We should rather not expect anything, and instead see the thrill and the joy of the climb itself. It's difficult work climbing over and through the vicissitudes of life. But I can't tell you how many times the three of us laughed when we could no longer make out the path through the fog and we said, "Where the frick do we go now???" or after climbing a particularly steep section we'd say, "Ah frick, man, that has to be the last serious climb... right?" Travel in a supportive community and the journey itself will show you the most beautiful, awesome, and funny things you can imagine.

Lightning Dancing

2010-07-19T13:30:00.003-04:00

I was out late the other night (which, to me, is midnight. Other people don't consider that late, but I'm usually in bed by 11), and thank God I was. On my way home I saw a lightning storm in the distance, most likely a heat lightning storm. Hardly any echoes of thunder's familiar rumbling could be heard. Hardly any cars on the road in my small town to distract me from the show. Perhaps God sent the storm to keep me awake. Whatever the reason, I was audience to a peaceful display of lightning dancing through the night sky, zigging and zagging and twirling up and down, left and right to a musical rhythm.

Struck by the beautiful brilliance of it all, I thought of how lightning often spurs storytelling around a campfire or in the house as a family huddles together for comfort. I guess, in a way, lightning is the greatest storyteller. We often think of lightning as a scary form of danger. Personally getting hit by lightning is more frightening than hitting black ice in my car. Lightning can hit so fast and send so much electricity surging through you that, literally, you won't know what happened. But, all the same, I don't see lightning as scary. Thunder is what scares me. Thunder is Lightning's evil brother, trying to steal the show away from Lightning. I can't help but see something majestic in the way lightning streaks across the sky, visible from everywhere, in a dance of lines and curves seeking an outlet for all the latent energy, seeking expression to the magic desperate to burst out into the world. Is that not a great story? I think that's what inspires us to tell stories. In my family, at least, when there's a lightning storm we stop everything, watch the dance outside and express ourselves to one another in story form in creative ways that we would rarely indulge in otherwise. The dance of lightning outside inspired a dance within.

I continued thinking, and wishing that I had some way of capturing all the stories that the grand, dancing lightning has been witness to in all of history. Awed as I was by the magnificence of the lightning, I was floored when I thought of how honored I'd be if my loved ones and I could add, or were adding, our own chapter to the growing book of the great storyteller. All the magical creative love expressed and shared between the brothers and sisters that make up our family tree, all in the lightning's womb as it danced throughout history, and we can add the next chapter. To think that lightning still dances, perhaps asking for us to add our chapters to its story, is rather moving.

I immediately told my girlfriend that I wish she were there with me so that we could dance together under the greatest dance known to humankind. Obviously, I want to share every moment of worth to me with her, and I hope to share every moment of worth to her together, but in my dreams there was something indescribably tribal about dancing under the lightning, something ancient, something lost. I couldn't put my finger on it at the moment but I knew that if she and I added our quick steps to the fast pace of the lightning we would participate in an activity always intended for our fulfillment and great satisfaction.

I know that my girlfriend and I share a kindred soul. Yeah, we're both incredibly passionate, athletic, and far too good-looking for our own good, but that all doesn't matter. What matters is that we both dream dreams and are both actively creative because we see the joyful brilliance that surrounds us all and want to join in on God's play of C/creation. I have no doubt that God had fun when He created our home for us, and I have no doubt that He intended us to dance under The Dance with our own drums beating. Perhaps Thunder is not Lightning's evil brother but God's drum calling us to dance with Him and the whole host of heaven.

What are we missing when we hole ourselves up, bored, when lightning dances? What are we missing when we don't journey into the vibrant forests? What are we missing when we don't seek the splashing coolness of waterfalls? What are we missing when we don't travel by bike or horses or whatever else to feel the warm wind brush our cheeks? What are we missing when we don't breathe in as much of Creation as possible?

Many reading this might say, "But I go outside! I go to the beach! I promise!" Well and good, I'm glad you are spending as much time in the home God built for us rather than the homes we built for ourselves. Too many times, though, I have been frustrated and disappointed with people who tell me they love nature and love to be outside, by which they mean, "Yeah, when I exercise I do it outside," or, "I go to the beach about once a week (I like to keep a nice tan)," or, "Skiing is a lot of fun." Too often people only aspire to love being amongst Creation and so tell you that they do. Let's not bother trying to get people to like us more because we have "such" a diverse personality that we are "outdoorsy."

Instead, let us love God. Let us love all of what God has given us. Yes, thank God for comfortable homes and fast transportation, let us not miss the music. Let us dance and sing to the rhythm of lightning's dance, to God's Creation.

Before The Throne Of God

2010-07-13T21:20:00.000-04:00

(Author's note: Recently, a friend of mine asked me if we could talk about what I think about gays and lesbians in the church, but our conversation was interrupted and we never finished it. I wrote this note to her to try and lay it out, and thought I'd post it here as a meditation on our call to love.)

Hey friend - we didn't get a chance to talk on the retreat (sorry, I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off), but I wanted to try to outline for you what I believe about homosexuality, the church and the Bible before I forget about it. When I quote Scripture here, I will give you specific references so you can go back and read the whole passage if you want (I hate quoting Scripture out of context) and decide for yourself if my interpretation makes sense. Also, if you don't have one already, I suggest getting a HarperCollins Study Bible or New Interpreter's Study Bible - both have excellent footnotes which give great insight on just about every topic.

First, before anything else, Jesus is very clear that love is - or should be - the overriding concern in every interaction a Christian has. When asked what Commandment is the most important, Jesus cites two - "love the Lord your God" and "love your neighbor as yourself" (Matt. 22:39-41). Jesus gives his disciples "a new commandment" in preparation for his departure from Earth, "that you love one another" (John 13:33-34). In the Matthew passage, he even goes so far as to say "all the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments". When I look at the church's treatment of gays and lesbians, I see a lot of fear and disgust, but very little love. "Love the sinner, hate the sin" has become a catchphrase for how to treat homosexuals, but it's very difficult to communicate the love and grace of Christ when we are so focused on proclaiming their sexuality - a very integral part of their personal identity - as something sinful and dirty and strange. The church has not earned the right to be heard by the gay community, and won't until we learn to love as Christ loves us before we ever open our mouths.

The issues I see with the Bible's teachings on homosexuality are twofold:
-First, homosexuality is not understood or practiced today as it was at the time the verses on it in the Bible were written. Then, we were talking about behavior that jeopardized the cultural standing and personal safety of not only the people directly involved, but also their families and even whole communities or populations because of the nature and virulence of communicable diseases. Homosexuality in the ancient world was also a practice that was usually forced on one party by another, and therefore homosexual acts were often acts of rape or incest against vulnerable populations such as servants, slaves or children. This might be a reason why Paul, in his condemnation of homosexuality, refers to "homosexual offenders" or criminals (1 Cor. 6:9). Today, we're talking about stable, long-term relationships between consenting adults which, if practiced safely, do not risk virulent contagion or significantly depress the number of infants being born. It might seem like semantics, but it's a very important distinction to make - in determining what the Biblical authors intended to say, you have to look through their cultural lenses. The homosexuality they're addressing is not "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy".
-Second, of the many many many many many many verses in the Bible, only a few address homosexuality specifically, and often the context is hazy. In some of them, such as Deut. 23:17 and 1 Kings 14:24, the author is condemning ritual sexual acts performed by prostitutes in the shrines of other gods; we don't know if the primary emphasis is on the homosexuality or the idolatry (which is addressed far more prolifically in both the Old and New Testaments). Sexual sins, particularly in Revelation, are often used as symbols for idol worship.

Long story short, my study of the Bible does not lead me to definitive evidence one way or the other on how the church needs to address modern homosexuality, or whether or not it is sinful. What I do see are repeated calls to love, compassion and mercy. Therefore, I think we need to welcome gays and lesbians into the church with open arms, without passing judgment. At the very worst, they are sinners - but so are we, condemned by the same Law and redeemed by the same Savior. If we are wrong (and we very well might be), we have as a body done them and continue to do them harm beyond reckoning. If I ever need to defend my actions before the throne of Heaven, I would much rather have to defend loving God's people too much than not loving them enough.

Before The Throne Of God

2010-07-13T21:19:00.000-04:00

God's Politics

2010-07-13T14:21:00.006-04:00

Anyway, I never much liked Jim Wallis's book about politics, God, and the church. I actually only read the first sixty or so pages and then decided, since the chances of the rest of the book saying anything new were rather slim, to stop reading but tell everyone I had read the book. I never really understood why I didn't like the book, it seemed as if the arguments were good and the heart of the matter important for us to hear (though I couldn't tell you what any of the arguments or themes were now... I only read 60 pages, after all). Now, years later, I think I know the reason.

I think I've always been interested in politics because my father has been involved in local politics as long as I can remember, and he always yells at the TV while watching CNN. But I'm also a reaction first person. I rarely reflect on choices I make or beliefs that I hold until longer after I've made them. Usually, if someone says something, I react against it. What makes it worse is that people my age, or at least the people I grew up with, say some a lot of things that deserve to be reacted against. "Oh I don't know history much at all. Does that make me a bad person? Oh well." "I'm so bad at math, but who cares because I'll never need it in my life, I'm gonna be an English major and be creative and stuff." (As an English major I can attest to how silly this really is. Everyone needs to do some accounting at some point or another, first of all, but a lot of what makes good literature, or good art in general, is a mathematical/logical precision) "The United States is so stupid. Why can't we be more like Spain?" "Who am I voting for? I don't know. I hate politics so I generally stay away from it completely. But I think I'll vote for Hillary because she's a woman."

The last two statements are the ones I'd like to address today, and maybe I'll tackle the history one later. Nothing frustrates me more than someone's complaining or using the word "hate" to describe something and then putting in zero effort to make that thing better. If it peeves you that much, do something about it. That's why, as a high school student, I had notions of being elected either to the state government of Massachusetts or make it to D.C. God called me in other ways, so then I took hope in that great movie about William Wilberforce, Amazing Grace, when Wilberforce (played Ioan Grufudd, so amazing... if I were a girl I'd drool over him) screams out, "No matter how loud you shout, you will not drown out the voice of the people!" Wilberforce was a man who took his faith and put it into practice in politics, taking the advice of his friend William Pitt that, "Surely the principles of Christianity are simple, and lead not to meditation only but to action." Yes, action: action to end the slave trade, action to raise the moral awareness of a country, action to save the lives and souls of citizens. Wilberforce became the hero of my life. I was reacting against my peers saying they hate politics, staying clear of anything associated with the word politics except when it was time to vote, at which time many uninformed decisions were made, and allowing my faith to enter in. I was going to change the world of politics and change the minds of my peers and change the world. My representatives and the Boston Globe have evidence of where my life was heading. And the fact that I tried reading God's Politics, concluding that it had good ideas but was a bad book, is also good evidence.

Yet, after years of reflection and reading the likes of J.R.R. Tolkien and Leo Tolstoy, I've come to conclude that, indeed, politics is worth staying away from. I forget the root of the world politics, or else I'd take about it here. Oh well. What I will talk about is God in the Bible. There are three stories that I'd like to focus on, but I won't preach on them or anything or even give the Scripture references to them. For whatever reason, when I learn stories and phrases from the Bible I don't learn the references to go with them. Anyway...

First, in Genesis, the Bible starts a theme for us that, indirectly, is continued throughout most of the Bible: "spread and multiply." In fact, some people argue that the moral of the Tower of Babel story is not that humankind is not meant to spread its wings and climb to the reaches of heaven, but that humankind is not meant to cluster and wall itself in, physically or metaphorically. We are meant to go out and interact with our brothers and sisters and create more of our brothers and sisters to multiply our collective peace and joy. Second, the story in 2 Samuel about how the people of Israel want a king, but God cannot understand why His people would want any ruler besides the Creator of love and mercy, the only true ruler. Third, Jesus' claim in the Gospel of John that He is "the way, the truth, and the life."

Essentially what we do by setting up rules of society, both government and economics in my opinion, is waive off all three of those stories. Considering that those three stories are not only in the Bible, not only significant, well-remembered stories, but are stories central to the themes of the Bible, it takes an act of foolishness to disregard these stories. Now, perhaps you have a different understanding. Ok, fine. Let me explain with a story.

I have a friend for whom politics is perhaps the most basic ingredient of life. Without governments, he might say, we'd all be lost and there'd be no order to life whatsoever. That disorder, according to my friend, would give way to criminal minds doing whatever they want with no repercussions. Even those without criminal minds would see that there's no point in being honest, polite, compassionate, or anything else we Christians associate with being good, because there's nothing in it for them and everyone else would be getting ahead by behaving immorally and committing all sorts of injustices (only they wouldn't be injustices without governments, he would argue). Governments, he concludes, are needed to control so that the worst is cut out of society (I would add that governments only have laws in place to punish the worst if they are caught... how many people get away with holding the 20+ million slaves in the world today?) and everyone has an opportunity to have a somewhat good life. When I argue that governments for 3,000 years haven't figured out how to provide for a somewhat good life for a majority of its citizens, he retorts that at least there is a system in place to possibly do so.

I realize that wasn't quite as much a story as I thought it would be. Apologies. But, moving on. Keeping in mind those three stories that I mentioned, it should be easy why I have a problem with my friend's arguments (which, I think, are the classic arguments in favor of order and government). Why would my friend argue that we set up governments in the first place? Probably the anthropological reason: groups realized that it was easier to bunch up and live together, and when they started doing that they discovered that some members of the group were cheating, and foreigners entering the group couldn't just bring rules with them that no one in the group recognized. In fact, it might just be easier to keep foreigners out. Tower of Babel, anyone...? In my mind, living together isn't the issue. If God wants His children to live together because in community we are the most glad of heart, then living in communities can't be the issue. The issue comes when we seek to control the group, and in so controlling we hope to accomplish great things that the rest of the world will gawk at. That's not the point. The point is simply to live in community with one another. You might argue that the 613 Jewish laws seems like an extensive form of government control, but those are optional. You are Jewish by choice. You take up the 613 laws by choice, knowing that with God's help those 613 laws will make you a better person and more in relation with the Heavenly Father and His blessed children.

Furthermore, setting up governments flatly eliminates any hope of reaching our full potential. There's a reason God didn't mention to Moses that maybe he should get some ballots and elect a king when he came down off the mountain. God is the only pure leader we can or ever will have. The second we elevate an imperfect human to such high standards we lose the chance of full relationship with God and His children, because everyone who has power over is cannot match God's wisdom and love. Sure, the United States' Founding Fathers were really intelligent when they set up the system of checks and balances. They knew that one or two branches of government would lead to corruption. Good job to them. Even with checks and balances, though, we are putting at least half our hope in human beings that are clearly not The Most High. In our world today I think that we put a good deal more than half our hope in human beings. Yes, by setting up governments we eliminate distress associated with potential criminals who choose not to follow the 613 laws or the "new" law of Christ, but we also throw away hope of ever finding the joy and peace that God intends for His children.

And, how can we put faith in governments when an essential element in any government's set of resources is the might of war. Think of the third story. Did Jesus say, "Ok, lads, love is the answer. Violence is never the answer, except when it is"? And did he say, "Remember, mis hermanos, it's ok to compromise if you think it might lead to ending an injustice"? I don't think so. I'm pretty sure Jesus told us what to do and set us an example. And if His example is not enough, or the words of the Bible too confusing, we can remember that loving our brothers and sisters is the greatest commandment (according to John... the two great commandments of the other gospels equal the same thing). When violence, compromise, misinformation, back-stabbing insults and the like are the inevitable tools and consequences of a way of life that we are supposed to think will save us, I don't know how we can possibly choose that over God.

Should we not hope in God's politics? A politics that allows each individual to choose how to love God, and allows us to love one another freely. A politics that says we are indeed made in the likeness of the Holy One and we can do great things together if only we have faith in Him and in one another. Rules of society, rules of business, rules of the economy, and the laws of government all tell us not to have faith in one another or in the redemptive power of God.

Tolstoy, Tolkien, and Dorothy Day all believed in a world of Christian anarchy, a world where, at the least, Christians put their faith in God rather than in systems of government. A world where Christians do not get involved in politics but instead seek only to embrace others in the holiest of ways, and in so doing may perhaps influence the political decisions of one country or another. Tolkien believed in The Shire of his famous Lord of the Rings. He didn't just write it, he believed in it. A world where individuals live in peaceful community, and the only official is an official in title only. A world where, when encroached by evil, as Lord Elrond says, those who will do good are called together to save it.

May we rest our faith in God, and in so doing rest our faith and our love in one another, so that we can be free to see Christ the way we are meant to without the human-made restrictions. And if are scared, let us once again have faith in the Judges from the Bible. God will save us, if not our bodies then our souls. But God will save our bodies if we love rather than fight and control. May we eradicate control, for it leads only to divisiveness, fear, apathy, and hatred. May we not follow Jim Wallis's call to put our faith into politics, rather may we put our faith into as complete action as possible, which means out of politics. I will close with the words of Tolkien.

To the Fellowship of the Ring called to destroy the ring that endangers the world, after explaining their task, Lord Elrond says, "That is the purpose for which you are called hither. Called, I say, though I have not called you to me, strangers from distant lands. You have come and are here met, in this very nick of time, by chance as it may seem. Yet it is not so. Believe rather that it is so ordered that we, who sit here, and none others, must now find counsel for the peril of the world."

To those who despair of how foolish it is to rely on a small handful of men against a massive, armed force, Gandalf replies, "Despair, or follow? It is not despair, for despair is only for those who see the end beyond all doubt. We do not. It is wisdom to recognize necessity, when all other courses have been weighed, though as folly it may appear to those who cling to false hope. Well, let folly be our cloak, a veil before the eyes of the Enemy! For he is very wise, and weighs all things to a nicety in the scales of malice. But the only measure that he knows is desire, desire for power; and so he judges all hearts. Into his heart the thought will not enter that any will refuse it, that having the Ring we may seek to destroy it. If we seek this, we shall put him out of reckoning."

The Good Samaritan Through the Eyes of an Ant

2010-07-11T16:56:00.001-04:00

I had an interesting experience that made me do some serious self-analysis this past week that I wanted to share with you. I used it in my sermon today (there was more to the sermon than this, but it is a follow-up to a series we’re doing). So the following is based off of Luke 10:25-37 (The Good Samaritan). I hope that you get some reflection out of this too…

This week’s sermon title is “Ants;” and I think you’ll understand why in a minute. But in preparation for this sermon, I decided to do some basic research on ants. Now, I won’t share everything I learned—like how ants go to the bathroom—but I will tell you that I am amazed to find out that there are over 20,000 different species of ants in the world! Can you believe that?!?! 20,000! Wow! There aren’t that many different countries or nationalities in the world! Ants also can make up 15-25% of the animal mass in a given area. And another amazing feat?!?! Ants can carry something that weighs 50 times as much as their own body!!! That’s like you or me carrying a car over our heads! That’s insane! Talk about lifting weights…

Monday was a hot day. A REALLY hot day. The thermostat inside the house got to 93 degrees! As a result, I had the fans going, and was sitting around in PJ shorts and an old tank top with my computer in my lap so that I could do my work for class. I kept going into the kitchen to get something to drink—I really was trying to stay hydrated. On one of my trips into the kitchen, I saw a single ant by the door to the kitchen. Now, there have been about 4 ants in the sunroom for probably two or three months. I have no desire to kill them as long as they stay out of my area. And they didn’t bother me in the sunroom. Well, when these 4 ants decided to come over the lip into the kitchen, they were now in MY territory. The first time I saw them in there, I left them alone, hoping they would leave. The next time I was in the kitchen, one particularly bold ant decided to crawl over my foot, and tried to climb my leg…repeatedly. He was annoying me…and had to go. My flip-flop clad foot came down on top of him before I had really thought about it. *SQUASH* Dead ant. I was planning on sweeping after I finished that section of work, so I left the ant carcass on the floor temporarily.

A little while later I went back into the kitchen, and saw another ant next to the dead one. At first it looked like the one ant was trying to eat the dead one—eww, I thought…cannibalism. But then I took a second look. And I realized that the live ant was poking the dead one with his foot, as if to say, “Are you ok? Huh? Are you? C’mon…wake up! You can do it…wake up!” Frustrated when the dead ant wouldn’t wake up, the live one tried to push and pull him. It didn’t work. He tried to carry him. It didn’t work. Now this must have been a weak ant, if ants can carry something 50 times their body weight…this little guy couldn’t budge an ant his own size. But it didn’t stop him from trying. For 20 minutes this went on…poking, pushing, pulling…poking, pushing, pulling…over and over again. And yes, I kept watching. I was mesmerized. I couldn’t believe the persistence, the tenacity of the ant. He kept trying. I think I would have given up at some point, but not this ant. When he realized he couldn’t do it by himself, he started running around the floor, looking for another ant to lend a hand—you see, ants are very social and community-oriented. If one ant needed something, others would be there instantly to lend a hand…or antennae…or whatever it is that ants lend. When there was no other ant to be found, the little guy comes back to the dead ant, and tries the whole process over again…poking, pushing, pulling…poking pushing pulling.

Finally, I left the kitchen and went to do work. A few minutes later, I got up to go to the bathroom…and walked through the kitchen to get there. The ant was still there doing his thing…poking, pushing, pulling; poking, pushing, pulling. I couldn’t believe it! He was still there with that dead ant.

More time passed, and I eventually went to get a refill on my water. I walked into the kitchen, fully expecting to see the ants again…but this time, neither one was in sight! I have no idea where they went, or what happened. All I know is that the ants were gone—the live one and the dead one. (As a side note, there hasn’t been a single additional ant that has decided to move in…just those two). So the ants were gone. I stood there, staring at the floor, wondering where the ants had gone. And I began reflecting and meditating on my experience.

On the one hand, I felt inspired by the little ant who wouldn’t give up and leave his friend, even when he didn’t have the strength to go on. I was inspired by the dedication and care rendered to that ant. I had even thought about how I could make it better for that ant…it’s not like I know ant CPR or something…I DO know fish CPR, but that’s different! It was so beautiful to watch another creature care for one of its own. And it made me wonder, if I had been the live ant, would I have stopped to stay with the dead ant? Would I have worked so long and hard on a “lost cause”? I like to think that I would have…but in reality, if I knew the one guy was dead and gone, I probably would have continued with my busy life.

On the other hand, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt over the situation. The live ant was the picture of grief. He was running in circles. Literally. I felt guilty because I was the one who had squashed his buddy. I had squashed him without thinking about it. One second he was alive and annoying, the next second he was dead and a black spot on the floor. I was the robber in the story about the Good Samaritan! I had robbed that ant of his life. I used my influence and power of being bigger, smarter, and more developed to kill an innocent creature. I began thinking about what other ways I use my power for evil instead of good. I wonder what else I *SQUASH* without thinking about it—literally or figuratively. I wonder if I use the fact that I grew up as a white, middle-class girl, in a good area with hard-working parents and good schools to wield influence over others. Or if I use my role as a pastor to do the same thing. I wondered who or what else I annihilate without a second thought in my quest to “grow” and “develop.” I wish I had the compassion for my sisters and brothers around the world that the one ant had for another ant.

The story of the “Good Samaritan” might be a familiar one, but I was privileged to learn it anew this week through the eyes of an ant.

Household, Family Sabbath

2010-06-20T14:47:00.003-04:00

Leading up this year's Father's Day I've been thinking a lot about what the day means to me. I've always respected my father, but I can't say I've always loved my father, except for the fact that he was my dad and I think any non-abusive, somewhat attentive father would be heart breaking for a child to lose, so I loved him because I couldn't imagine life without him. Growing up, then, I only spent time with my dad when I wanted to play a game. Other than that, I thought him to be too strict, too demanding, and too judgmental of anything not done his way or not thought out the way he would. I have memories of Father's Day as a kid being not much more than my dad's taking the day off from any type of work and everyone else doing whatever they felt like. It wasn't very meaningful and it didn't exactly celebrate my dad as a father. What makes a Father's Day special (and Mother's Day, too, but Mother's Day was about two months ago and I wasn't thinking about this then) is that the spouse and children say, "Hey, dad, we love you and we appreciate all that you have done for us, so let's take a day to celebrate you and, to help do that, we'll do all the work around the house and such." It's not special when the father's family doesn't give him that type of support and he has to decide on his own that he's not going to do anything, which is what I forced my father to do growing up.

Although this will be my first Father's Day away from home, it will be the most special Father's Day to date for me... and it's not because I recently got someone pregnant. No one I know is pregnant, I'm not going to be a father. I'm still only a son. Nothing much has changed, and yet this Father's Day will be significantly more special for me. Why?

I'll tell you why. Approximately a year ago I realized just how much my father has done for me in my life. As I said, I have always respected my dad, he's a great man, but I've never much enjoyed spending time with him. That was until approximately a year ago when I realized how much I owe him, how much who I am is indebted to my father. And I also began to realize that the faults I see in my father don't make him a bad person, they don't even necessarily make him uncomfortable to be around. Part of the problem was that I had a number of the same traits which caused a lot of friction, and part of the problem also was me. First of all, for whatever reason, I never gave my father the benefit of the doubt. I didn't approach him with love. So when I saw his faults I immediately was displeased, without acknowledging that I have lots of faults, too, and that everyone has faults. I also came to realize that it was from a lack of care and love that resulted in my father's quest to assert himself while at the same time detaching himself from family life, making him seem more unpleasant than he really is.

I started realizing all these things and was determined to make a concerted effort to love my dad. That was pretty easy, because apparently the love was there the whole time and I had just been denying it. But it was also easy because my dad is awesome. We started spending more time together, we hiked together a lot, and we also started eating meals as a family, for the first time since however far back I can remember. Before last year every member of the family generally ate whenever they wanted to, not waiting for anyone else and sometimes taking the food back to one of our rooms rather than eat at the table.

The last part is key, because I see that as the reason why this year Father's Day actually means something to me. For the past year or so my family has spent at least part of the day just sitting together sharing a meal. Nothing special, nothing extravagant, simply a mundane activity. As mundane as sharing a meal with your family might be, though, it's extremely special. A friend of mine likes to say that sharing a meal with someone is possibly the most amazing thing we can do as humans, because when you share a meal at the table everyone is equal, everyone is loved, and everyone is nourished (perhaps not nourished physically in some places and in some homes, the comfort of company, I hope, is always nourishing). So this Father's Day is special to me, as all Father's Days should be, because I have the memory of coming together with my family at the end of every day and sharing a meal together, and my father is an inextricable part of that. More than that, I know that that memory is part of what has kept my spirits up this past year at school.

All this is a lead-up to something I will hopefully keep short, I've written for quite a long time. I think about the Friday night sabbath dinners that I share with a family that I am friends with here at school. The family considers Friday night into Saturday evening sabbath, in a way to return to ancient tradition but also because, as ministers-in-training, Sundays are not exactly work-free. Though I don't see the family a whole lot during the week, those Friday evenings are incredibly special to me. For a few hours out of the week, I feel like I have a family away from home. But it's more than that. In the prayers and the breaking of the bread that we do before we partake of the meal, I realize that I am a son of God, part of His grand family. In that realization I also see that sabbath isn't made for us humans simply because it's good for us, but it's meant for us to recharge with God, as if He says, "You should all have a sabbath and remember it because, just as I had a sabbath, my family shall always enjoy a day of rest with me." Every week, then, I have the memory of being part of a family, a nuclear family and God's family, and that is a special thing made more special by knowing that the week will end and allow me to bask in it.

I know that my last post was about taking advantage of the sabbath because it's good for us and not thinking about it as a rule to observe, and I want to reiterate that in a slightly different way. Observing the sabbath, even if you are alone or in a family that is struggling, abusive, or in some other way putting you in serious physically and/or spiritual risk, can remind you that you are still a child of God and a precious member of His family. That is something we should always seek to remember. Just as my family's taking a mini-sabbath every day to share a meal together has been the central originator of my grace and joy, so will sharing a meal with the family of God do for you and for all of us. Or simply saying, "Ok, God, this is so sweet, I've got all my work done for the week so let's hang out!" Then the sabbath will become something you look forward to every week, knowing it is part of what keeps your chin up during the week, your heart pouring out love, and a source of joy, and knowing how incredibly fun spending time with God can be.

Thus ends my mini-series on the sabbath.

We all need a mentor or two like that...

2010-06-13T21:54:00.003-04:00

I've been doing some reflecting recently. It's a time of transition for many friends, colleagues, pastors and mentors. Some folks are graduating and moving on. In the United Methodist Church, at least in the U.S., July 1 marks a time of passage. It's when our appointment year begins and ends. Some retire. Others, newly consecrated or ordained, rise to fill the ranks and answer the call. While I myself am not moving, I do feel like my life is in a bit of an upheaval. One of my mentors is retiring and taking on a new position in the life of the annual conference (grouping of local churches). Another mentor is being moved...to fill the position of the mentor that is retiring...at my home church. It is a time of transition and change for many people. It's positive change, but change just the same.

Yet, amidst all the changes, I am blessed. Blessed to have so many wonderful mentors who care for me deeply. Blessed to have mentors that I have work, home and cell numbers for that I can call whenever I need something. Blessed to have mentors who are learning how to use technology and social networking even though it is out of their comfort zone because they know that this is one direction the Church is headed...and they want to be relevant.

In my class, Leadership and Administration in the Small Church, this past spring semester, the professor said several times that the ideal mentor should be about 15 years older than you--old enough to have some experience, but not so far along that they forget what it was like to be in your position. I gave that some serious thought...because I have several "official" and "unofficial" mentors, and I don't think one of them is 15 years older than me. My two closest mentors--the ones mentioned above--one is about 25 years older than me, and the other is close to 40 years older than me. But that seems to work for us.

I'm open with my friends and family about my relationships with my mentors. It doesn't mean I share everything we talk about, but they know we have a close relationship and that I will often work out or process my thoughts on ministry and life with my mentors before sharing them with the wider world. A few weeks ago, one of my friends asked me a question that has come up before--"How do you find a mentor?" Because people have asked me that several times, I've tried to come up with a satisfactory answer. But the truth is, it isn't clear-cut.

I've had some mentoring relationships established because the mentor saw some type of potential in me and then took a special interest in me to help me grow and develop. For me, this is the most special mentoring relationship because I can feel the love in the relationship--it's not a job, it's a choice.

Other mentors I've kind of latched on to them--I saw something in them that I liked or admired, and approached them to chat...and tried to build up a relationship in this way. For me, this is the most difficult type to maintain--much of the work to maintain the relationship is on me--I have to take the initiative. But it's also acknowledging where I need to grow and who can help me in that.

The third type of mentor I have is one that is assigned to me through the district committee on ordained ministry (DCOM). And they do try to make matches that they think will work for the candidate...sometimes they are right, and sometimes they aren't. The first mentor they assigned me didn't work out very well. She had things going on in her life that kept her from being fully invested in the relationship, and I had bad "vibes" about it from the beginning...so I clammed up and didn't share. After the mentor took early retirement, I was reassigned to another mentor--this time, the match was wonderful! In my experience, this relationship is easier in some ways to maintain because we are required to meet at certain intervals. But there is a sense of duty involved. Also, this mentor is required to report to the DCOM on your status--not necessarily what you talk about, but they are there to help you grow and evaluate your growth.

While none of this exactly answers "how do you find a mentor?," I hope it does provide a basic overview of a few different types of mentoring relationships as they relate to ministry. I also want to emphasize how important it is to have folks you can turn to, who can help guide you, that you can ask all your "stupid" questions to without feeling "stupid." I know that I wouldn't be where I am today without my mentors. They are the people who have encouraged me when I want to quit, ease the burdens when I'm loaded down, answer my questions when I'm not sure how to phrase them, love me when I feel the world is out to get me, share stories from their own experiences to make the journey easier, pray with me and for me and my ministry, saw potential in me when I saw none, and are there for me to call on when I just want to chat. Some of the relationships have transformed over time...from pastor, to mentor, to colleague, to friend. Others are in some stage of that process. But all are special and valuable.

As people move this summer, they are cleaning up and cleaning out. One mentor is cleaning out closets and has offered me the opportunity to see if there is anything I want from "the collection." Another mentor is cleaning out a library that has been established over a period of 45 years in ministry. Some things they are keeping, others they are getting rid of because "they are of no use to anyone"--things like 30 year-old commentaries that use approaches/thoughts not used now. But the rest...the rest of the library is up for grabs. And I have first dibs. I'm not sure what I'm looking for or need. But I plan on saying, "give me anything you think will be useful" and trusting the mentor to provide. Because that's what it's all about--a trusting, mutual relationship. Without trust, there is no mentoring relationship. And I know that this pastor will not intentionally steer me wrong...this pastor has proven that time and time again. We all need a mentor or two like that.

Honoring the Sabbath

2010-06-05T20:59:00.004-04:00

Our Creation story is a fascinating thing. Some may have learned that the Jewish-Christian Creation is very similar to other Near/Middle Eastern creation stories, and certainly only one among many creation stories. But there are some major differences. I'll keep things simple here. First of all, our Creation is rare among creation stories in that it does not claim that the world was created out of some conflict or chaos. Genesis claims that God controlled the chaos in order to create, rather than that the chaos led to creation. And so, our Creation has an incredible order to it than other creation stories lack. Take a look at Genesis again and you'll see that each of the first three days corresponds to one of the days four, five, or six. That's only the beginning of the order created, and the order inherent in the story. There are lots of other examples of how tightly ordered the story is, including a whole bunch of weird patterns with the number 3, the number 7, and the number 10. Beyond that, though, our Creation is, as far as I know, the only creation story that does more than try to explain the origins of life and why things are the way they are. Our Creation tells us how to live.

Here's the deal. God rested on the seventh day. That simple fact gets repeated later in Exodus to tell us that, since God rested on the seventh day, so should we rest on the seventh day. But why? You can be the way I used to be and answer that question by saying, "We should rest on the seventh day because God told us so." Or you could answer, in a somewhat similar vein, "We should rest on the seventh day because, since God rested in the seventh day, resting every seven days is part of the natural fabric of the universe." I'm not even sure what that answer means, but both are very deterministic. If we don't do what God tells us, or if we don't follow the order of the universe, then something bad will happen to us. I don't think that's what God has in mind for us.

Read Genesis again and you'll see that the refrain we know so well, "And there was evening, and there was morning. The nth day..." does not show up on the seventh day of rest. It's as if the seventh day never ends. Rob Bell points out that it's somewhat interesting that before God even creates the sun and moon there is evening and morning. How could that be if the things we record day and night, the very measure of our days, are not yet created? Perhaps credence to the argument that, indeed, God's time is not our time... Anyway, you can say that God's rest day not ending is a sign that God has created and God has stepped away from His Creation. Sure, you can say that, but then what about Genesis 2, with God's walking around the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve talking to them? What about God's coming to Moses in the Burning Bush? What about all the other jazz that signals God's being in this world with us throughout the Bible? Probably better to think of Genesis 2, God's walking around and talking with Adam and Eve, is the reason why God's sabbath day never ends.

I firmly believe that God created the world to be in relationship with us. That essentially means that God's sabbath never ends so that He can rest with us, in relationship with us. Many people think that there are two Creation stories in Genesis, the first being Genesis 1, the second being Genesis 2 and 3. I believe that Genesis 2 and 3 is simply an explanation of why God's sabbath day never ends. It never ends because He wants to spend as much time as possible among and with us in relationship, loving us and being loved. What I'm trying to get at is that Genesis shows us that God's whole being is geared toward being in relationship with us. God so wants to be in relationship with us that, from the beginning as we see in Genesis 1, He tells us to spread and multiply. Spreading and multiplying is a theme repeated again and again in the Jewish Bible. God wants us to spread and multiply so that He can be in relationship with as many of us as possible to bring joy to Himself and to His Creation, but also so that we can share in the joy of creating and in the multiplying blessings of God's creations, God's children. You see, to create humans God breathes His spirit into us, so that every human we meet is a vessel of God's spirit, God's presence. The more of us there are, the more opportunity we have to be in relationship with God and vice versa. The fabric of life is ordered so that loving relationships with God and God's children can abound.

When God tells us to honor the sabbath, then, I don't think we should consider it a command that must be followed. Rather, I think we need to consider honoring the sabbath as necessary to remember how special our relationship with God truly is, that everything around us was created so that we can have the ultimate joy of spending time with God and so that He can have the ultimate joy of spending time with us. The harm of not honoring the sabbath is that you're missing out on something truly incredible. You can work and work and work to accomplish a lot, and you probably will accomplish a lot, but if you don't take a sabbath you won't remember how special that relationship is, you won't have the right perspective on why you're working, you won't have the joy of life that God so dearly wants for us. Without rest we can't properly reflect on our lives and God's presence in that life. Without reflection, we lose the sense that everything we do, we do it intentionally. Then, whether we like to admit it or not, we become machines, stuck in a routine of living that doesn't leave room for God's presence and doesn't leave room for God's potentially radically changing our path in life to more fully fill us with hope, peace, and joy.

It's no coincidence that memory is also a big theme throughout the Jewish Bible, and is still a major practice in the Jewish tradition. God knows that without remembering, without reflecting, we'll lose the sense that God's presence is here with us, here in us, and we'll lose that great joy that only comes with being in relationship with God, and in being in real relationship with God's children. Not only that, but clearly resting for an entire day is the best way to really have fun with God and His children. Take a Saturday and Sunday to spend outside and watch squirrels chase each other, you can't help but laugh and giggle.

I encourage us, then, to honor the sabbath. Let us not honor the sabbath as a command, but as an acknowledgment that God knows what is best for us. Remember, Jesus says that the sabbath was made for man, not man for the sabbath. The sabbath is for us. Honor and remember the sabbath and rest, and in so doing we will see God and see ourselves with much more clarity, much more love, and we'll be able to go out into the world with a deep peace.

UMC Don't Ask Don't Tell

2010-05-31T11:59:00.001-04:00

With all the talk recently about the possible repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, it got me to thinking about the United Methodist Churches stances. Currently the UMC Book of Discipline states that “The practice of homosexuality is incompatible with Christian teaching. Therefore self-avowed practicing homosexuals are not to be certified as candidates, ordained as ministers, or appointed to serve in The United Methodist Church” (UMC Book of Discipline 304.3). This is an interesting stance for a church that claims “Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors” because it does not seem very open.

What this policy does is it takes those who are seeking ordination or are currently ordained and who also identify as Lesbian, Gay, or Bisexual (we currently have no policies concerning being transgender though sadly this means we have no protections either) and forces them into a church don't ask don't tell policy. Basically by coming out and living with integrity those called by God are denied their calling. How can we do this? How can we turn away those called by God? If God approves of an individual enough to call them into God's service how can we deny them? What makes this stance even more interesting is that we know there are LGB pastors in the UMC who are forced to hide. We have already recognized their gifts and calling to the ministry and taken them all the way through our very long and complicated process for ordination. They are succeeding in ministry but only at the cost of their integrity.

You would think that we would want our pastors to live with integrity as this is a Christian value, but I guess in the UMC we do not. We would rather our pastors lie about who they are. We would rather them lie about who they love. We would rather them deny their own families. This forces our pastor to choose between a Holy calling and living lives with integrity. Who are we to force individuals to make this choice? Sadly many are making this choice and too many are choosing to live with integrity and leave our denomination. We are losing many of our best and brightest. This not only does a disservice to those individuals affected by our policies;\ we are hurting ourselves as the church by turning away qualified and talented individuals.

There is hope though. The Book of Discipline states in our social principles that “we affirm that all persons are individuals of sacred worth, created in the image of God” (UMC BOD 161H). We would do well to remember that we believe all people including LGBTQ persons are created in the image of God. Maybe then we would begin to realize how destructive our currently policies truly are and we would begin to repent of our past and move towards a future that is truly inclusive of all of God's beloved creation.

Man, this is heavy...

2010-05-17T22:52:00.000-04:00

I just looked at my current church's website, and saw my name, picture and biography under the heading "Pastoral Staff". And all of a sudden, it hit me fully for the first time - the enormous responsibility I've been given, to guide and walk with these people, to be charged with their souls in a very real sense. My initial thought was - "how on earth did I trick myself into thinking I could do this? How did I ever convince this congregation that I was capable enough to be handed such awesome power?" Even on my best days, I worry about letting them down, not giving them the absolute best, not doing things in the right way.

Lew Parks, a friend from Pennsylvania and a professor here at Wesley, once told a class of Small Church Leadership students that "there's a wonderful moment in ministry when you realize, 'I probably can't kill this critter!'" I will confess freely that if there is such a moment, I am clearly not there yet. I am all too aware of the fragility of the thing I hold in my hands, very scared that the time of transition I'm leading this program into could end up destroying it - or me. But I'm somehow perversely comforted by the fact that I haven't become immune to the weight of it all. There is no doubt I am a worrier, but I think too often we lose sight of the fact that our calling is catastrophically huge, that thousands of people will be affected in a very real way by the decisions we make over the course of a career. Are we called to be basket cases? Definitely not. But we should be operate with respect for the trust people put in us and the power that's placed in our hands.

God's Waiting Room

2010-05-11T17:56:00.005-04:00

Whew. I feel like I just finished a marathon! Last time I posted, I was in the midst of Holy Week. It's been a rollercoaster ride to the "finish" line...perhaps a more appropriate title would be "pit stop." I've finished the semester of seminary, successfully officiated at 2 funerals, am planning my Sundays off for the summer, and have been asked to guest preach and/or lecture at 2 churches! I am honored to be asked, but I also feel a little guilty by it all...it means I'm away from "my" 2 churches and then have to find someone to fill in for me...NOT an easy task. Few people want to preach to 25 people, twice, in little country churches a million miles from anywhere. Oh the dilemmas.

Sooo...I'm done classes, but I have not yet received my grades. Some days, I could care less...I prefer the not knowing to having to deal with the outcomes. Other days, I am anxiously checking the online system to see if anything has been posted (yeah, right). I feel caught in the limbo stages. Or in math-y terms, the liminal stages. Or in theological terms, the "already, but not yet."

In a way, this waiting time is a lot like my call and my ministry. I have already been certified as a candidate for ordination, and already pastor 2 churches...but I have not yet been commissioned or ordained. The wait can be beautiful and agonizing at the same time. On the one hand, this is providing me with excellent time and space to mature and grow as both a person (I am "just" 23) and as a pastor/theologian. This is a blessing because I feel that I need this time, this holy time. But at the same time, it is frustrating. I have some authority as a DS Hire Student Pastor, but not a lot. I can "do" communion for my congregations...sort of. I have to have it preconsecrated (blessed) before I can serve it. But that is a tangent for another day. I have the authority to do a lot, but not everything.

I feel like I am always waiting....for something. I'm not always sure what though. In many ways, I sympathize with the disciples in Luke and Acts (same story, told twice in two different ways) during the ascention of Christ. The Church observes Ascension Day on Thursday of this week, and Ascension Sunday (for those of us who don't do an "extra" mid-week service) this coming Sunday. The disciples were wondering and waiting for Jerusalem to be restored. They were wondering and waiting for the return of Jesus Christ--whose return they thought was imminent. They were wondering and waiting for what would become of them and the other followers now that Jesus was "gone." They were wondering and waiting for the "advocate," the "helper" the Holy Spirit that Jesus promised them...it would not come for a little while longer. The disciples were living in this "limbo-liminal-already/but not yet" state.

This state is a common theme in Paul's letters in the New Testament...we see it in Galatians and Hebrews (among other places). I even saw some of it in Isaiah in the Hebrew Bible! Check out these books for on this...I can't do them justice by telling you about them.

Sooo...while frustrated in this "limbo-liminal-already/but not yet" state, I can appreciate it as holy time...holy waiting...it's God's timing and God's waiting room for me. And that is a blessing...because there is no one better to have on your side than God! I know that God will care for me, and I rest assured in that. Now...gonna go check grades one more time...oh wait! This is God's waiting room...

Ennui Strikes Back

2010-05-10T09:02:00.004-04:00

All that I remember of my life is being a professional student. I don't remember enough of my childhood to think of a time before school hit. Sure, I remember kindergarten. That's not full-time school, but it's still school. I'm 22 years old, running quickly into 23 this summer, and one word can summarize my life so far: school. I prefer to summarize it with "education" or "learning" or "wisdom" or "knowledge," or any of the other fancy words that we're supposed to grab on to, but all those things I've gotten in school. And yeah, I read and write a lot on my own time, but the only reason I have the motivation to do so is because of school.

The real crappy thing about school is that it doesn't last all year long. What a ridiculous thing to say, right? Who wants to go to school all year round? Well, I clearly do. I'll tell you why everyone should want to go to school longer.

For those who have made it to college or beyond, you'll know what I'm talking about. I mean, have you ever noticed that college level classes seem like a lot more work than anything you've ever done, but not necessarily any harder? And if it is harder, it's generally because there's just simply more to study for every exam or more research to do for every paper. And have you noticed that college level classes only meet once, twice, or three times a week for fifteen or sixteen weeks, while high school classes meet every day most of the time for eighteen or nineteen weeks (if you're in block scheduling)? For instance, my AP Calculus class in high school covered the same amount of material as my Calculus I class in college, but my college class covered it in four fewer weeks, meeting only three times a week for fifty minutes whereas my high school class met every day for ninety minutes. College = same work crammed into less time, much less time. End result = you work your butt off to make up for "lost" time, and then feel way more exhausted at the end of each semester than you ever would have in high school.

Now, I hope that I'm not taking for granted that everyone goes to college. I'm not. Circumstances are many that keep individuals from attending high school in many cases, let alone college. We must admit that we live in a lucky world if we can take elementary school for granted. To make a quick aside, if you are not able to take elementary school or any school for granted and you are reading this, Jesus says you are the salt of the Earth.

Ok, why am I talking about school? Like I said, all I know of life is being a professional student. I've had summer jobs and such and I feel like I've accomplished many things, but my job has been grinding into the books semester after semester. The experience has brought me into a close relationship with a state of being that probably everyone with a steady job experiences on a small scale but every day: ennui.

If you know old philosophy or "classic" European literature you will know that ennui was much talked about as something to avoid by anyone with a brain. Ennui is not exactly boredom or laziness, though they're a part of it, and it's not exactly restlessness, though that's a part of ennui as well. Ennui, in my own words, is when you're sitting around thinking to yourself, "What should I do with myself? I have no idea, but I really feel like I need to do something. Whatever can I do to fill up the time?????????????" It's when you don't know what to do with yourself, many times because you have nothing to do, and yet you feel a pull to fill up your time with something anything just please I don't want to sit here and not feel anything.

We live in a world that breeds ennui. Most people work long hours and come home every day feeling ennui beckoning them with a small voice. Every day one may come home and feel that they need to relax, but that they also need to fill their time with something enjoyable. When we get out of work we full this sort of emptiness in us that is sometimes painful and we feel as if we need to surround ourselves with people or things that can make us feel good to get rid of that feeling, that ennui. How do we do that? Television, sex, drinking parties, television, sex, drinking parties, exercising, television, sex, drinking parties, food, television, sex, drinking parties. Don't get me wrong, none of those things are inherently bad. I would argue that drinking parties are inherently bad, but drinking itself may not be. What goes wrong with any of these activities is when we use them to take up the empty space left in us when we're done working and have nothing to do.

For me, I feel ennui extra hard at the end of semesters. I don't have time to take breaks during the semester. I go to class and then whenever I'm not in class I'm doing homework. So when a semester is over I all of a sudden have lots of time, and I quickly slide downhill towards the pit. I fill up the time with things that I may not have had time to do before: hang out with a really beautiful girl, look at inappropriate images on the Internet, and look at more inappropriate images.

No activity should ever be engaged in simply because we feel as if we have to do something. Ennui strikes because there's something broken in us. Many people that love to work, strange as it seems to me, love to do so because then they always have something to do. They don't like feeling ennui, and their solution is to fill up their time with work. The issue is that not even the people who fill up their time with work to escape ennui solve the real problem. Certainly, those of us who escape ennui by engaging in instant gratification activities never solve the real problem because we jump from one entertaining thing to another, never stopping to confront that painful hole that is ennui. When we feel ennui, it doesn't mean that we're bored and need to do something, it means that there's something going on in our lives that we need to come to terms with.

Right now, for instance, I feel ennui in the few days after the Spring semester. I've done things I shouldn't have. Why? Well, one answer is that I had to do something quick to enjoy myself. I think of Madame Bovary here. The other, better answer is that I have not gone to God with my life. I am not talking to God or spending time with Him. I am not putting my concerns on Him in trust (I have an MRI tomorrow that I'm nervous about, and I clearly don't want to be nervous about it).

So what is the real issue? The real issue is that we don't have a holy rhythm. The weekends are hard for most of us because we're so used to working. And for those of us who have lots of work to do part of the year and no work other parts, having no rhythm is extra dangerous. We aren't used to waking up in the morning and spending half an hour to an hour in prayer with God. We aren't used to taking a walk in the middle of the day and praising God for the beauty that is life. We aren't used to reading Scripture when we have free time. We aren't used to writing letters or calling a friend for a long chat. Plain and simple, we just aren't used to putting in time to the relationships that really matter, especially with God. Some of us do put in lots of time to friendships and such but do so only to avoid ennui. We have to face ennui straight on and realize that the pain and emptiness we feel is the deep, central hole in us where God should be. God is the only eternal structure that we can build our lives around. Build a rhythm around Him, and place the temporary joys around Him. Don't make God a temporary fix, either. Don't go to God only when you feel lonely or some other form of ennui. Go to the Eternal Father at all times and make Him the center of your life, and then no lies of the world can strike you at your heart. Then you will find true joy, true happiness, true entertainment, and true love.

Call to truth

2010-05-08T10:31:00.001-04:00

I have just finished my first year of seminary. One-third of my theological education is now behind me and what a journey it has been so far. The passion I had for social justice has been magnified ten-fold. If I have taken anything from this semester it is that we as Christians must live out social justice and we must reach out to the oppressed and needy in all the ways we can. This is our calling “we love because he first loved us. Those who say 'I love God' and hate their brothers and sisters are liars; for those who do not love a brother or sister whom they have seen, can not love God whom they have not seen.” (1 John 4:19-20). This is our truth from Jesus Christ “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself” (Luke 10:27). The message of the Gospel is love and redemption two things I very much believe in. So in that spirit I have written this call to truth.

We are called to be a witness to that which we believe to be truth. Truth may cost us but that is what is demanded for the practitioners of faith. It is this push that may result in a violent push back but in that push back the victory is already won. Jesus came and was crucified in an act of violent push back. At first glance this may seem to make Jesus weak. As the story goes the powerful Roman Empire has destroyed the Savior who meant to bring redemption and if that was the end of the story it would be it would be defeat. But that is not because Jesus rose again on the third day. Jesus gave us the model for witness to truth and now we are called to witness. The time of sitting just back in our pews on Sunday mornings is over. We must continue to push back as the vocal minority until we find ourselves in the majority. Changing hearts and minds will not happen overnight but it will happen if we continue to speak up and speak out. If we truly begin to Believe Out Loud.

Today there is a powerful change underway, with a great amount of push back against inclusion of the LGBTQ community. But of people of faith are coming together and say enough is enough, our LGBTQ brothers and sisters have been treated as second class citizens for far too long. We all must join the chorus of voices crying this message. So I implore you, Speak Out. Come Out. Tell your stories. Because I tell you this truth, if we stand in solidarity we can and will create change and bring the world just a little closer to looking like the Kingdom of God it was intended to be.

My Call Story (more or less)

2010-04-30T23:11:00.000-04:00

(Admin's Note: On behalf of our team here at Bring Back The Burning Bush, please allow me to apologize in advance for the dearth of posting over the next week. We have entered that time of spiritual and literal testing known as finals week, and we will all be too busy praying for grace to post until after it's over. To tide you over, I've reposted a blog I wrote on my personal site for the UMC Young Clergy last August - I considered updating some of the references since nearly a year has passed, but I thought it might be more informative in its original state. See you on the other side! - Kate)

My name is Kate Mackereth, and I am a certified candidate for ordination in the Baltimore-Washington Conference of the UMC. I am 22 years old, white, female, and belong to Christ United Methodist Church. Christ UMC is a contemporary, multiracial, theologically conservative congregation just outside the city limits of Frederick, MD. For 20 of the 22 years this congregation has been in operation, we worshipped at Ballenger Creek Middle School, next door to our current property. While attending Messiah College, I worshipped at First United Methodist Church in Mechanicsburg, PA, an 1800-member liturgical congregation. While at First, I served for 18 months as Service Director for their (at that time) new evening contemporary service, U-Turn. At CUMC, I have been active most recently as a worship leader and youth leader.

There were, as I can recall, two important events in my discernment process, which began seven years ago. The first was my decision to attend, and later to join the leadership team, at First UMC in Mechanicsburg. It was a congregation different in almost every way from my home church, including the presence on staff of associate pastor Lucretia Hurley-Browning. My home church would not receive its first woman pastor for another year, and the transition could charitably be described as rocky. However, Lucretia had been on staff at First for five years, and I was able to witness for the first time a woman pastor ministering to a congregation successfully, something I was unsure I would be able to do at that time. Lucretia’s example and guidance over the 2 years I attended First Church was invaluable in helping me to accept not only God’s call for my life, but also His call to ordination. I also received great support and encouragement from the entire U-Turn leadership team, including Rev. Mike Minnix, Ed Geiger, Charlie Renner, Lorette DeWalt, Allison Ometz and their families. The good people of First Church gave me my first real responsibilities in leadership and were always supportive of me in anything I chose to do. That support gave me the freedom to really test the limits of my event-planning, worship-leading and organizational skills, and I discovered that I had a talent for administration.

The second event which confirmed my call to ministry was my visit to Wesley Theological Seminary in Washington, DC. I grew up near DC and had always loved the city, but I had no real intention of going to graduate school so close to home and no definite plans to attend graduate school at all when I visited the seminary. But from the moment I arrived on campus, I knew that not only was I going to go to graduate school, but I would be a student at Wesley. The class I sat in on held my attention in a way that no lecture class has ever done; the stories I heard from other students at lunch convinced me that this would be a place where I could explore my call and my beliefs publicly without the censure I had earned for doing so with others in the past. I move to WTS in just a few days, and I am so excited to begin the next part of this insane journey to ordination.

My theological standpoints have changed radically in the year since I formally entered the ordination process. Where I would have self-identified before as a mainstream, middle-of-the-theological road Christian, I now identify myself with pride as a liberal Christian feminist (much to the chagrin of some of my former fellow-congregants at CUMC). The discernment and ordination processes have been difficult, but also freeing for me because they have allowed me to break out of what my ordination mentor calls “the box of theological origin” to discover a set of beliefs that I can finally own as mine, rather than preserve as a hand-me-down heirloom of my predecessors. I have recognized and come to appreciate the place and role of doubt in a vital and evolving faith life – doubt is the room in which God works in our minds and hearts to bring us in tune with Him. Most importantly, I’ve embraced the fact that God’s call on my life is NOT the same yesterday, today and forever – it’s as fluid and changing as my faith in Him, but always imbued with His love for me.

If I have any advice to give to those who are in the midst of or just starting out on this journey, it would be to become dumb. Forget everything you know about yourself and your beliefs, forget everything you think you know about what a good pastor or missionary or whatever looks like. Your preconceived notions about what you have been, who you want to be and what God wants you to be are going to be your biggest stumbling blocks on the road to actually figuring out all that stuff. Don’t let anyone tell you what to think, but don’t think you know what to think either – just let it all go and start fresh, with God as your goal, your desire and your guide. Good luck!

We Are Not Alone

2010-04-26T09:23:00.002-04:00

We are not alone; we live in God's world.

In the past three weeks, I have spent approximately ten days on various trips with the youth group I lead - seven days in Mississippi with UMVIM rebuilding homes destroyed by Hurricane Katrina, and three days in Tuckahoe State Park on a team-building retreat. During these trips, I have been coming to grips with an important, but unappealing aspect of vocational ministry - the sometimes small but seemingly insurmountable wall between ministers and their congregations.

We believe in God:

who has created and is creating ,

who has come in Jesus, the Word made flesh,

to reconcile and make new,

who works in us and others by the Spirit.

We trust in God.

Often in these first few months of new ministry I have had the opportunity to reflect on the difference between being a paid minister vs. an unpaid volunteer leader. The expecations are different, and rightly so - if a church is paying for for specific services, you should be working hard to ensure those expectations are met. But the attitude, the approach, is almost totally alien to me, and I'll admit to more than the occasional stumble in the past weeks as I work to understand not only my youth and the church as a whole, but also their view of me. I was hired in part to be a prophetic voice of change, which is much easier said than done when your livelihood depends in part on the approval of the people you're about to piss off. This situation is also different for me in that unlike every other church I've been a part of in the past, I have no advocates, no allies, no "in" to help me - just a title and a desk. I love what I do, but this experience is forcing me to come to terms with the loneliness inherent in my vocation. I have a handful of people I can turn to at seminary or from other communities who are, in essence, my "church family" - but they are not part of my church life and cannot share in my joys and sorrows with any kind of immediacy. There's no one to turn to after a conversation to ask, "Did I handle that well?" because everyone has some sort of stake that I don't fully see in the life and vitality of the community, and without knowing their bias, I can't rely on their input.

Please don't misunderstand me - I'm not trying to rag on my church in any way, shape or form. The church I serve is one of thousands just like it, and there are many aspects of it that I already love and want to be a part of. But what do you do with all this?

We are called to be the church:

to celebrate God's presence,

to love and serve others,

to seek justice and resist evil,

to proclaim Jesus, crucified and risen,

our judge and our hope.

I pray. I pray for discernment, understanding and wisdom in learning all I can. I pray for a spirit of revival in this congregation (a dangerous thing to ask for if there ever was one) and in this youth ministry - not because we seek or need greater numbers, but because we truly desire God's presence among us. I pray for new leaders to be raised up and new ideas to take hold. I pray for the right words to say. I pray for control of my emotions when I need it most. I pray that God will use me even when I feel like a fool or look like a fool to these people I am so eager to impress. I pray that God will continually remind me why I answered this call to ministry and why I fell in love with His people. I pray that cynicism and backbiting will give way to hope and love. And I pray that God will remind me of His presence, that in those moments when I feel like there is no way I can take another step forward into this great abyss of the unknown, I will know and be comforted by His steadfastness, grace and mercy.

In life, in death, in life beyond death,

God is with us.

We are not alone.

Thanks be to God. Amen

-Statement of Faith of the United Church of Canada

The Angry Disciple

2010-04-22T16:30:00.000-04:00

Why must you be such an angry young man? Your future looks quite bright to me!
From “Fooling Yourself” by Styx.

We’ve all met angry disciples. In fact, we’ve each been one. But angry ministry-types embarrass us and, when we join their ranks, we feel guilty about it. What’s with all the anger? We can never be happy unless we follow God’s call. The opposite of happy is depressed. Depression focused outward onto others (like God) is anger.

In my last two posts, I wrote that being called into the ministry is like being diagnosed with a fatal disease because, in order to accept the calling, we must first grieve. Every time we start down a path, at some level, we must grieve the loss of the paths not taken. The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression/fear, and finally (hopefully) acceptance/peace. In this post, I want to talk about anger.

An angry disciple has moved past denial. She knows she’s been called by God to ministry… there is no ambiguity. But she hasn’t said yes. In fact, she might even follow Jonas’ example and head as fast as she can in the opposite direction. Call it rebellion. Call it sowing your wild oats. Call it what you want. It’s perfectly natural, but not exactly faithful. I should know… I tried it.

My wife Becky and I got engaged while we were in college. Everybody had warned me that, if I didn’t get married before entering ministry, I was in for a difficult path. Therefore, I pursued finding a spouse with a single-minded sense of purpose. I had many, many first dates. This is how they all ended, usually around 7:30 p.m.:
“So what are you doing after college?”
Seminary.
“What’s that?”
Grad school for ministers.
“Gee… it’s getting late, can you take me home?”

Anger.

Becky was the first woman I met who was actually impressed, so I proposed. After I graduated, Becky had three more years to go. We both felt having two people in school while starting a marriage was a bad idea, so I decided to work for three years and save some money while Becky finished school.

Then I had to decide which job I should look for. I ended up with two jobs: One working for the Boy Scouts of America, and the other as a part-time youth pastor. Both jobs made sense to the DCOM, because they both had obvious relationships with my calling. But in the back of my head, I was always thinking: “If this situation is fulfilling enough for me, maybe I can just run with it.” I was looking for a way to do it half-way. I wanted to do… whatever I wanted to do! But yet, this struggle for freedom from God didn't make me happy. I alternated between anger and depression.

After a year or so of this, I began to look at my job as a trade-off. I wasn’t doing as much ministry as I knew I should, but I was getting paid well, and the money tempered the sense of dissatisfaction. I began to wonder if more money would temper more dissatisfaction. In other words, I was leaving anger behind and entering into bargaining, which will be the topic of my next post.

In-between

2010-04-20T15:51:00.004-04:00

I've been told this feeling is normal. I've been told that sometime during your seminary "life" you will have thoughts, questions and concerns about your future, your faith and God. I think I have entered this period.
To be honest, my relationship with God has been rocky for a while. Since my brother died it has been hard to fully worship the God I love, and who I know loves me unconditionally. It's that last part that hurts the most. If God loves me unconditionally, then why did my brother die. This is something I wrestle with each time I pray.
I know I am suppose to be in seminary, through all the work, pain and paper writing I know (one hundred percent) there isn't any other place I want to be, or should be. However, sometimes, well more than sometimes, I wonder what God has in store for me. You see my coming to seminary was based on faith that God will not leave me, nor forsake me. The one Bible verse I've clung to since my brother's death (I have it printed out and hanging on my wall) is:

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8

To be honest, I've had this post as a draft for months now. I kept thinking about this in-between space I find myself in at seminary. During these months though I've made and followed through with a major decision. I have officially switched from an M. Div. to an M.A. I have made an official switch that will prevent me from being ordained an Elder in the UMC, which is, for me, wonderful. My call is not to the sacraments. I could never image myself baptizing an infant, or preaching each week, or anything like that. My call is to work with middle school and high schoolers, and possibly Christian Education.
Another significant decision I've made during this time, when this blog entry was listed as a draft, is that I have an internship at a local church. As part of my seminary education I'm required to have a small internship for one year at a local church. This is both exciting and worrisome. So, I continue to dwell in this in-between space. But I find comfort in the following passage from Jeremiah. Instead of extracting simply the one verse so many people enjoy, I have included the verses around it. Exile, captivity, has to happen, but God has a plan: before, during and after.

"For thus says the Lord: Only when Babylon’s seventy years are completed will I visit you, and I will fulfil to you my promise and bring you back to this place. For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me, says the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile." Jeremiah 29: 10-15 (NRSV)

Personal and Theological Crises

2010-04-16T13:41:00.003-04:00

Well, I haven't posted in awhile. With good reason, I promise (hopefully people actually care enough about what I write so y'all were missing me!). School has overwhelmed with stuff to do, but that has little to do with why I haven't been able to make time to write the blog. Unfortunately, I've been having a lot of physical issues the past few weeks. Enough physical issues to make me think I was dying for a few days, and then even when I thought it was safe to say I wasn't dying I was still scared enough to not go to classes. I won't get into the details of what was going on, you'll just have to trust me that it was pretty darn scary and I hope no one ever has to go through with what I did. After a couple visits to the hospital and doctor we finally diagnosed me with general anxiety disorder. That is important to this blog.

Knowing I have general anxiety disorder has done a whole lot of things to me in the past week (it was last week to the day that I was diagnosed). A lot of positives have come out of it. The medication is helping me feel better and the awareness of my condition is also helping me be more aware of when I'm carrying extra tension and anxiety, and it's allowed me to better manage my time to sneak in some relaxing alone time. Best of all, though, it's actually been rather enlightening into my life history and personality. I now acknowledge why I am the way I am, and how frustrating it can be for other people and myself, and can look forward to a future without those characteristics.

On the flip side, though, being diagnosed with general anxiety disorder has launched me into a crisis. First of all, though I can look forward with hope to a new future, I also look forward with despair to a new future. What if I'm no longer the energetically humorous person I've always been? What if I'm not as efficient a worker as I've always been? What if my grades and other future responsibilities (pastoring a church, especially) suffer because I'm not as stressed out about doing well? I have a number of questions to answer about who I will be and whether or not I will like that person, and I'll only be able to answer those questions when I get there, which is more frustrating. Thankfully, though, this personality crisis is not the worst thing ever. I acknowledge first and foremost that other people in the world are going through much worse problems and dealing with medication is near the bottom of my concerns in the world. I also acknowledge that, though I've worked hard to become someone in Christ that I am happy with (of course, I still have lots of things to work on, but I'm happy with where I'm coming from now to work on those things), becoming a new person because of medication isn't either a good or bad thing. It is what it is, and I'll just have to work hard again to integrate something new in my life and still be a disciple of Christ.

My real crisis is theological. I think I've said that I don't drink alcohol ever. The reason is that I don't see any reason for a Christian to drink alcohol: if you drink to relax, why not pray to God and spend time with Him; if you drink to lose inhibitions, I first question why but I also question why you don't pray and talk to God about finding a new "you"; and then I question anyone who enjoys the taste because I doubt they did when they took their first sips. If you're smart, you may already see where I'm going with this. If I have a general anxiety issue, why don't I just pray to God to release me from my anxieties, knowing that everything is in control when we put it in God's hands? Better yet, why don't I become a good Christian and listen to Jesus when he says that we should not worry in the first place, God will provide?

So you see, because of a simple label on my life I've been thrown into a crisis. I know I need the medication because I haven't yet dealt properly with my condition in my 22 years of life, but if I took my theology seriously then I shouldn't take the medication, whether I "need" it or not. And if I do need the medication, then maybe my theology was incorrect and I need to rethink. That's never easy, for me at least.

I have a few options, then. Either I don't take the medication and deal with this on my own (on some level, I will have to change my life even with the medication, of course), or I adapt my theology to my personal experience. For me, the latter option is extremely scary because I don't think personal experience should have such a drastic impact on how I understand God and our relationship to Him. As a Methodist, I adhere to the quadrilateral for determining religious truth: experience, yes, but also tradition, Scripture, and reason. The other three tell me that God can do anything, experience tells me that maybe God can't do everything (or maybe that I just don't have a very good relationship with Him, which is no more satisfying at the moment).

Reaching a place like this means crisis. What it basically comes down to is I either change how I view God or change my opinion of myself. Acknowledging that God isn't all-powerful, or acknowledging that I don't really know God at all.

In talking all this out I think I'm coming to a conclusion, but I won't share it with you all. It's not the reason I wanted to share my story. The reason I wanted to share my story is that I want to say that we need to acknowledge when we have these types of crises. Wherever I come out on this I will feel more confident because I haven't taken all four pieces of the quadrilateral into serious consideration. I'll also be more confident because whatever my faith looks like from here on it'll know that God carried me through this difficult time. Maybe I need to change how I view God, but that shouldn't detract us from living into the crisis. "Flip-flopping" may be bad in politics but in our spiritual journey. God is always calling us to new and better understandings of Him. Of course, that might be a scary thought for you. It is for me. I prefer if God would just reveal Himself once to me and I understand it all completely right then. That's how I've understood revelation on my spiritual journey so far, but I'm beginning to see that God reveals Himself constantly to us. In those moments of God's presence we need to always reevaluate how He's revealing Himself to us. Maybe it's always the same and we can take heart in that. Maybe it's always the same but looks different and we just need to not lose heart. And maybe it's different, but that's how God chose to present Himself to us at that moment in our life and we need to take it as it is and not fight it too much.

Certainly, there's a fine line between relying on experience too much and not fighting at all for what we previously had concluded intellectually and in prayer, and not relying on experience at all and fighting too much to hold intact what we hold in dear in our mental cages. Take C.S. Lewis for example. He wrote about evil and suffering in the world in The Problem of Pain, but then he lost his wife a few years later and realized what he had written didn't totally hold up, so he wrote A Grief Observed. The experience made him realize that his mental construct of God and evil were, indeed, mental constructs, but he also didn't let his experience fully dictate to him what and who God is, a good portion of his original theology remained, just in a very different form.

I'm not asking that we move through our spiritual journey with such an open mind that we think it's incredibly awesome every time we hear about some new thing or experience something new, but I do think that God is so expansive that we need to constantly reevaluate how we view Him and His presence in our lives. We also need to reevaluate our own relationship with God. I, for one, now certainly realize that I do not spend nearly as much time in prayer with God and reading His holy word as I should. If I had, I might not be so darn anxious!

Watch Out!

2010-04-13T18:57:00.001-04:00

I know many of you readers out there are young adults (like many of us here at Bring Back The Burning Bush) and I wanted to make you aware of an opportunity designed just for you. Wesley Theological Seminary will be hosting a vocational discernment retreat next fall, October 1-2, at its campus in Washington, DC, specifically geared toward high school seniors, college students and young professionals. Yours truly is on the design team, and I promise you that this event will be a great one and well worth your time as you discern your call to ministry. Watch Wesley Theological Seminary's website and our blog for more information and I hope to meet you there!

God’s Calling and Denial

2010-04-07T12:49:00.003-04:00

I would not say that my discernment process, at least the formal portion of it that was monitored by the church hierarchy, was a positive experience. In fact, I complained about it so incessantly that, as soon as I was ordained elder, I was tapped to serve as a candidacy mentor and to serve on the DCOM. (God has a sense of humor, and so does the United Methodist Church.)

I have numerous complaints about the way our denomination handles the candidacy process:

First: We’re terrified by the knowledge that pastors sometimes “break.” When they do, they tend to do so in spectacular ways. Unfortunately, our denomination has never found a way to deal with at-risk pastors in a constructive way. Rather than intervening mid-career, we’re attempting to find unbreakable pastors by making the screening process difficult. There are no unbreakable pastors. If you push us hard enough (and they keep pushing harder) we’re all capable of “going Jim Jones” on some poor congregation.

Second: Our process attempts to weed out people with questionable callings, psychological problems, inappropriate theological orientations, and a host of other issues. It does not succeed at any of these things. It does succeed at weeding out people who cannot handle extremely high levels of stress. The result is that we’re hand-picking the most tightly-wound, paranoid, pressure cookers on the face of the planet. I’m proud to count myself among their number!

I hope to use this series of articles to cast a vision for a better path.

In my last post, I wrote that being called into the ministry is like being diagnosed with a fatal disease because, in order to accept the calling, we must first grieve. Every time we start down a path, at some level, we must grieve the loss of the paths not taken. The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression/fear, and finally (hopefully) acceptance/peace. In this article, I want to talk about the first stage most of us deal with: Denial… the refusal to believe the truth.

There was a movie in the 1950s titled, “A Man Called Peter.” It was not about St. Peter, but about the Rev. Peter Marshall, a famous Scottish-American preacher of that era. According the film, when Peter Marshall first heard the voice of God calling him to the ministry as a young boy, he rushed home to tell his family. They were overjoyed that one of their own had been blessed with such an honor.

My experience was nothing like that.

I didn’t tell anyone for a very long time. In fact, God and I had a lot of arguments over it. I had other plans. My dad thought I’d make a great lawyer, and so did I. (I like to argue with people.) Lawyers are people who get stuff done. (This was the ‘80s, and the legal profession had not yet fallen from grace.) I watched “L.A. Law” and everything else on TV that made the legal profession look glamorous. People were proud to have lawyers in the family. But the preachers depicted on TV were comic relief at best and psychopaths at worst. I had ambivalent feelings about my own pastor at that time. I belonged to an independent church. It had many strengths, but the pastor treated it like his own personal property.

When I finally realized that God was not going to drop the subject, I told my parents. They tried to talk me out of it. They loved going to church, but they didn’t want me to be a pastor. They wanted what was “best for me.” When people asked me what professions I was looking at, my parents would cringe and stutter when I said ministry. My friends begged me not to throw away my life. Even the pastors I spoke to would sigh and say, “Well… you still have plenty of time to change your mind.” These pastors clearly were not enjoying their work. That’s too bad… I think this job is all kinds of fun… when done properly.

In short, I didn’t get much positive affirmation. Actually, I got none. Notice that none of the objections I faced had anything to do with real questions of call. They all had to do with societal expectations, stereotypes, and misguided notions about the American Dream. To make matters worse, in that era, many pastors and DCOMs had a strong bias in favor of older candidates. I was told that someone my age simply couldn’t know what he wanted to do with his life. My response: “What do my wants have to do with this? I wanted to be a lawyer.”

Is it any wonder that so many people say no to God? Virtually every pastor I know who entered the ministry mid-career will confess that they actually heard the calling when they were teenagers. They succumbed to societal pressure.

I feel very strongly that young candidates need to be affirmed at this stage. Testing the call of someone dealing with denial is harmful, and yet we keep doing it. Thankfully, we do seem to have gotten better at this. We now make a point of affirming that all people are called by God to ministry of some sort. But we still seem to default to the assumption that most candidates are, in fact, called to something else. Balderdash!

If you’re reading this, and you’re in denial, take heart! You’re not crazy. God is calling you, or you would not have made it to the end of this far-too-long post. The good thing about denial is this: It doesn’t last forever. No one can deny the truth indefinitely.

Power in "Hell Week"

2010-04-01T09:11:00.005-04:00

This is a crazy-busy time of year for me...we have a month to go in the semester (and after all the snow in January and February, things all got pushed back and squished together! We're all running on hyperspeed right now!) and it's Holy Week. Now...for many people, Holy Week is something that is observed when we remember that we might go to church 4 times in 8 days (Palm Sunday, Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Easter Sunday)...and some traditions also throw in there an Easter Vigil on Saturday. This year, you might even go on Thursday so you can receive communion 2 times in one week! But for a student pastor, this week is also becoming known as "Hell Week" (referring to the drama term the week before opening night...) I had 6 classes between Monday and Tuesday, lead Bible Study on Wednesday, and then have services Thursday, Friday and Sunday. Oh yeah. And I agreed to go on Easter to the Sunrise service at my home church before leading my own 2 services at the 2 churches I'm pastoring. (I don't know what made me say "yes" to my mother...temporary insanity). "Hell Week" it is.

But "Hell Week" is an appropriate name for this week in other ways. Besides leading up to the holiest of days in the Christian year, it's a time when Jesus Christ descended to Hell to pay for our Sin and our sins so that we do not have to suffer come Judgement Day. And somehow, we've managed to turn this Hell Week into a "Holy" Week?!?! I think we like to romanticize religion too much. (But that's another post for another day).

Whether we call this week "Holy" or "Hell," it has Power. Not power, but Power with a capital "P." Power in it's meaning, significance and symbolism. Power in Pilate who can with one sentence change the course of history. Power in the Roman soldiers. Power in the kiss from Judas. Power in the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Power over Sin. Power over death. Power.

Power can be used for good or evil. Judas' kiss was used for evil. But Jesus' sacrifice was used for good. The same is true in the life of a pastor. Pastors, by the very nature of their position, have a considerable amount of Power. I've seen pastors who use this Power for good, to help further the Body of Christ and help to make faithful disciples of Jesus Christ for the transformation of the world. I've also seen pastors who, because they are human and because we live in the "already, but not yet" realm between Jesus' victory over Sin and death and the final victory when all believers will feast together in the Heavenly Banquet, these pastors abuse and misuse their Power.

I've become very sensitive to my use of Power in my congregations this Hell Week. How am I using my Power? For good? Or for evil? Am I constantly seeking God and God's will in everything I do...or amy I doing some things for my own glorification? As a just-turned-23-year-old pastor, I may have Power because of my position, but I'm working on the authority. I'm a new pastor, young, female, with lots of passion. But authority is earned through the proper use of Power. Judas had Power. Jesus had both Power and authority. Which one do I model my life after? How about you?

May you journey towards the cross with me praying that we all use Power appropriately so that we may earn authority as Disciples of Jesus Christ. +

Called by God - Part 2

2010-03-29T21:18:00.001-04:00

Called by God - Part 2

As part of my seminary education I am required to do two academic years of intern placement in ministry setting. Since I plan to seek ordination and hopefully will enter into local parish ministry I have been looking at several churches as possible options for my placement. One of the questions that is asked by the pastors I am interviewing with is about my call story or why I feel called to ministry and why I want to be a pastor. It is a question that I have spent a lot of time thinking about before coming to seminary and one I still think about as I continue to discover my call.

My call story really begins in 2008 at the UMC General Conference. I was there with the Reconciling Ministries Network to be a witness to the General Conference delegates and the wider UMC about the need for full inclusion of all peoples in the life of the church. Seeing the UMC at there reminded me of why I love this church and why I am proud to call myself a United Methodist. But as the church voted on issues of inclusion, my heart broke. I had personally been hurt by my own denial of membership. When the vote on church membership occurred and went against inclusion it broke my heart to know that there would still be those denied membership to our community of faith. That though we claim to have open doors not all congregations mean it. It was in the broken heart and stream of tears that I heard my call. In that moment God spoke to me and said that I am calling you to be a leader for the next generation aiding my church in becoming the church I desire it to be. God used that moment to show me just how far we have to go as church and that it will not change on its own, but through the work of our pastors and lay people working to create a change that reflects the diversity of God's creation and the inclusive love of Christ.

My understanding of God's call becomes clearer as I learn and one of the things I am certain of is the need for the church to change. The next generation will quite possibly determine whether the UMC dies or continues to be a representative of Christ on earth. I am being called to be at the forefront of this change as a pastor that reminds the youth and young adults that the church is not a place of hate, rejection, and condemnation but is rather a place to find God's open and accepting arms waiting to pour grace on us.

I believe one of the keys to energizing and revitalizing young people will be to reverse our current policy on homosexuality. A recent study by the Barna Group stated that a majority of young Christians and young non-Christian identified individuals believe the church is anti-gay. This is a real problem because this means many young people who have peers who are LGBTQ see the church as not a place for their friends. When this occurs they are less likely to attend church as well. We need to reverse this image and show that the church welcomes all people regardless. Period. This is what I feel called to. I am called to the margins and to the neglected and pushed. I am called to show that God loves all individuals and wants all to come and that all are welcome in God's church. I am called to show that God's church is place not of hate but a place of love. A place to come and find redemption and salvation in God's loving embrace.

To comfort all who mourn

2010-03-29T00:03:00.000-04:00

¹ The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, ² to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, ³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion — to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. - Isaiah 61:1-3

On Thursday, I presided over a funeral. I went over the service with the family two days beforehand, choosing the hymn and Scripture passages to be sung and read, helping them to visualize the moments ahead - helping me to visualize the moments ahead, as this was the first funeral I had officiated at, and I hadn't attended one in several years. I spoke to the funeral home about the service arrangements the family had requested, met with the American Legion color guard that would honor the deceased at the graveside, stood beside the casket at the end of the service to silently witness their final goodbyes. I greeted the family at each viewing and spoke a blessing over the reception meal served at the little church next to the graveyard. I spoke the prayers and Scripture passages with conviction, with hope, with reverence. In short, I did what I was supposed to do.

But this funeral was different from every other funeral I will ever preside over, in that the family involved was mine. The man who delivered the eulogy was my father, the family members who read those carefully selected Scripture passages were my sister and cousins. When I spoke the prayers, I had to resist the urge to refer to the dead man as "Pappap", because the man in the casket was my grandfather.

When I told my friends and various professors that I had agreed to officiate at Pappap's service, the most common response went something like, "Wow. Oh, my God. How do you feel about that?" The honest answer was somewhere between deeply ambivalent and doggedly determined. I knew that it would be difficult, maybe the most difficult thing I had done. On the other hand...my grandfather was not a religious man, nor was anyone else in the family, and there were no other obvious candidates to officiate the service. And the stark reality of the situation was that this - speaking the last blessing over him, walking his son and daughter through the reality of his death and burial - was the last thing I could do for my grandfather. It's difficult to say no to a dead man, especially one who was famously infatuated with his grandchildren, even making six-hour round trips to babysit them when they were small. I knew it would be easier on my father and aunt to deal with me than a stranger, that I could anticipate their needs and wants. And in a very cowardly, selfish way, I knew it would be easier for me - that officiating would allow me to create a small amount of emotional distance from the awful thing that was my grandfather's death, focus on the minutiae of doing a job rather than dealing with the overwhelming flood of grief that threatened to engulf me.

In my last entry, I wrote that part of my job as a youth minister is to allow my heart to be broken by the kids and families I work with. I am called to rejoice with those who celebrate, to comfort those who mourn, "to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor". Where do the personal triumphs and tragedies of life fit into this call? Did I make a mistake in allowing my family to claim my pastoral services? Or did I construct a more meaningful ritual than would have ever been possible with any other officiant? Did I do my family a service or an injustice by separating myself, even partially, from their grief?

(Postscript: For those who wondered, the service went very well - two of my grandfather's brothers asked me to officiate at their funerals afterward, which gave my dad a good laugh. On the whole, I think it was as positive and cathartic an experience as it could have been, for everyone concerned.)

Being called into the ministry is kind-of like being diagnosed with a fatal disease.

2010-03-24T21:40:00.001-04:00

That’s a joke. Sort of. Not really.

Actually, every major life transition is like dying. Every time we start down a path, at some level, we must grieve the loss of the paths not taken. At some point, every seminarian reads Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s 1969 book, On Death and Dying. (In my opinion, everybody should read it.) The five stages of grief outlined in that ground-breaking book are now virtually universally accepted. Some people skip stages, and some people take them out of order. But almost everyone who finds out that they’re dying must go through stages of denial, anger, bargaining, and depression/fear before they finally reach acceptance. Their loved ones experience these stages as well. As with anything, some people move more quickly than others.

All grief follows this pattern, or something very much like it. Whether we’re losing a friend, changing careers, or moving out of the house we grew up in, we simply cannot lose something that defines our identities without grieving the loss. Anyone who denies this is simply stuck in the denial phase, which is not a good place to be.

Nothing defines our personal identity more than our vocation… our life’s calling. Most of us were raised on a lie: “You can be anything you want to be when you grow up.” Yeah. Right. I wanted to be an astronaut. Then I tried to learn math… which, as it turns out, is incredibly difficult for some people. The truth is that God created each of us with a purpose. If we choose a purpose other than the one for which we were designed, we will suffer for it. That’s why so many pastors love the story of Jonah. At some point we all realized that “free will” just means that we’re free to choose to follow God willingly, or we can get dragged along in the belly of a fish. God will work either through us or in spite of us… the choice is ours.

But the choice is nonetheless hard. Saying “Yes,” to ministry means saying, “No,” to so many things. Not just vocations, but lifestyles. Pastors never know what it feels like to get a “performance bonus.” They never know the joy of reading “The Night Before Christmas” to their kids while tucking them in on Christmas Eve. There are many joys… a great many to be sure… But we don’t truly know what ANY of them are at the point when we must answer the call. We go in blind, or not at all.

That’s why we typically respond with DENIAL... which will be the topic of my next post.

In the meantime, let me say that it is an honor to be invited into this blog, especially knowing that I am the only one writing from the other side of ordination. The journey from candidacy to Elders’ Orders took me twelve years. But rather than bore you all with a blow-by-blow of my discernment process, I’ve chosen to start with a series of five reflections (six if you count this introduction) based on the stages of grief. While that may sound like a downer, grief is truly the most fertile ground for personal growth, which ultimately brings us joy.

Barf Bags Make Great Bookmarks

2010-03-21T23:57:00.005-04:00

Do you ever feel like God is calling you in lots of different directions all at once? Like your calling has lots of little elements that don’t really fit together perfectly all the time? You’re being pushed and pulled in multiple directions all at once. It’s enough to make you feel a bit woozy.

Applying to, visiting, and eventually choosing a theology school is a tedious and stressful process. I know – I did it last year, and I’m doing it again right now. After finding the school that I loved, my situation has changed and I find myself once again going through the application and discernment process, this time as a transfer student.

I felt called to Boston University School of Theology last year, like it was perfect for me. It was the only school that I applied to, and I received a generous scholarship to attend. Sure, Boston is an expensive city to live in, but as a single person, it was fairly doable. It was the perfect fit for me, it was close to my girlfriend (who had been going to school in Vermont for three years – 3,000 miles across the country from me and our home state of Washington), and their academics are great.

Jump forward a year. Boston University is still a great fit, and their academics are still great… But the girlfriend is now my fiancée, and we’re getting married in July. Boston’s cost of living, along with being confined to the public transportation system (Boston rent, parking AND a car payment? Not going to happen.) began looking like a more and more financially irresponsible choice for us.

Having to discern a call for one person is pretty tough in itself… When you add in another person, another life that is affected by your decisions, it gets even more tough and confusing.

So, I began writing this entry as I was sitting sitting in the Chicago/Midway Airport on my way back to Boston after visiting Saint Paul School of Theology in Kansas City, Missouri. It was a wonderful visit, and while the school is very different from Boston University School of Theology, it has a lot of really great attributes. I could certainly see myself being happy spending a few years out there. It could be a great place for Crystal (my fiancée) and I to start our life together. If she is able to get a teaching job out there, it would be absolutely perfect. For me, anyway. Maybe it will be for her, as well, we’ll have to talk about it and see what we can figure out. My calling has become, at least in part, our calling. And it’s exciting, and it’s scary, and sometimes it makes me want to run away and hide.

In a couple of weeks, I'm going to visit Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary in Louisville, KY. More admissions and financial aid people to meet with, more students to talk to, and more decisions to make. And of course, plenty of pictures to take so that I can share as much as possible with Crystal.

When I was on one of my flights, I was reading a book. When the flight attendant brought snacks, I put a barf bag into the book to mark my page. That got me to thinking… Sometimes when things get rough, when you feel like you’re going to get sick, that’s a great place to stop and take a break, to sit back and gather your thoughts. Barf bags make great bookmarks.

Reconciling my calls

2010-03-15T23:50:00.000-04:00

Through most of my high school and college experience, I wrestled with what I now recognize as two calls; one to ministry, one to psychology. I chose to study psychology at a Christian college as a compromise between the two, but I felt towards the end of my senior year of college that I had to choose ministry over psychology, for a variety of reasons, one of them being a pretty drastic lack of connection with the faculty in my department and a fear that I would not meet the more exacting standards for admission to a graduate program at a university. However, in the past year and a half I have gained a new appreciation for my former course of study, and come to embrace a unique call to both psychology and ministry.

Now, any minister worth their salt will tell you that a good deal of any ministry lies in one-on-one relationship building, leadership development, and counseling. Often in ministry these three are blended together so totally that its difficult to tell when one stops and another begins. My heart as a youth minister is to latch onto the lost and the hurting kids - and as a psychologist, I can tell you that I think they are ALL lost and hurting on some level. And usually, the problem kids - that is to say, the ones who are hurting badly enough that they can't mask it and play to expectations like the "good kids" do - have problem parents. If there is one thing I could tell the parents of the kids I work with, it would be that you cannot underestimate the ways in which the things you do - especially the things done behind closed doors, even the things you think your kids don't know about - affect the way they relate to every other person and situation they encounter. Parents have incredible power to help or to harm, and sometimes the difference is as small as the inflection on a statement. This is, I believe, my call - to help hurting kids, to help confused and overwhelmed and hurting parents, find a place where they can connect and become the family that God created them to be.

I also believe that youth create their own family within the church structure, and we need to recognize the power of what we do. I have seen and can testify to the changes wrought by relentless loving on the part of youth leaders for a wayward child. Once, that wayward child was me. Now, I have wayward children of my own, and I understand how Herculean is the task set before us - to love others fearlessly, to allow our hearts to be broken by them because God's heart is also broken for them, to give of our time and our resources so sacrificially so that our students can be filled with love, can begin a journey to wholeness of identity and self. And that - that sounds like a journey worth the taking.

It's so Painful!!!!

2010-03-07T10:16:00.002-05:00

You know what's a pain in the butt about following one's Christian call? Well I'll tell you: it's that we have to follow Jesus Christ's example.

My favorite chapter in Scripture is 1 John 2. My favorite Scripture verse is 1 John 2:6, which goes like so (well not "like so," it goes exactly like this): "whoever says, 'I abide in him,' ought to walk just as we walked." If we continue on in the chapter we get verses 15-17: "Do not love the world or the things in the world. The love of the Father is not in those who love the world; for all that is in the world--the desire of the flesh, the desire of the eyes, the pride in riches--comes not from the Father but from the world. And the world and its desire are passing away, but those who do the will of God live forever."

Quite honestly I can't remember what in the heck I've written for this blog so far. I prefer to keep it that way. As Oscar Wilde said, the truth one believes in is the truth one believes in at that moment. If we are truly open to God's voice we aren't concerned with contradicting something we said five days ago. We will be concerned with contradicting something we said five minutes ago, though, because God's reason and order are not contradictory. These are things I believe in, and I mention them hopefully once and for all as an excuse for repeating myself (though I can honestly say I don't think I'll be contradicting myself all that often). Side note: if this were an academic paper or an academic book, this entire paragraph up to this point would have been a footnote. And all that is a lead-up to saying something I may have said many times before: I take Scripture very seriously. One of the many themes in Scripture, especially in the New Testament but all throughout, is that of walking just as God has commanded (or asked) us to walk and not taking the things of the world seriously but the things of God seriously. 1 John 2, and all of John's letters, reminds us of that very well.

You may ask why in the world 1 John 2 is my favorite chapter in Scripture if I started this post by saying following Jesus' example is painful. 1 John 2 is all about doing exactly as Jesus did. Have you thought about how difficult that is, though? If you haven't, let's take a moment or two, or three, to discuss how difficult following Jesus Christ's example is.

First of all, as a young male, the whole purity thing mentioned in 1 John becomes quite a burden. 1 John claims that we want to be pure because Jesus was pure and our salvation is in Jesus as the Christ. Now, I am in the Wesley tradition, so I do believe that salvation is a funny and mysterious thing, but we most surely become more aware of God's grace and more aware and more thankful of Christ's saving us all when we act in accordance with Jesus' life and God's will. Disciplining ourselves is a means of living into grace. And so, Henry David Thoreau's statement that "Man flows at once to God when the channel of purity is open," means a lot to me. I think it should mean a lot to all Christians, because it's right there in 1 John and the entire Scripture that we claim is God's Word to us.

But while all this might mean a lot to me, and I might believe in it wholeheartedly, nevertheless I DO NOT WANT to be pure. Deep down I rebel against purity, deep down I say who cares if Jesus was pure and who cares if Scripture tells me to be pure for the sake of being close to God. Bottom line, I DO NOT WANT TO BE PURE. Purity is friggin hard. There's no other way to describe it.

Purity means I have to temper my unending lusts, it means I need to control my urge to flirt with that pretty girl because I can't do anything with her anyway as much as I really really want to. Purity means I don't go out with my friends to a bar to get drunk, but instead try and convince them that the reason Paul and countless other religious leaders have spoken against drunkenness is that, in many ways, it means we are turning away from God (for one, why should we need alcohol to have a good time when we have God's love?), even though I know they'll just laugh at me and insult me and I won't be able to have a good time with them. Purity means I don't start swearing my head off when I'm angry but I calm myself down. Purity means looking at every human being as a child of God with integrity rather than "appreciating" certain body parts or the potential pleasure they may provide us. All that goes against my nature. Anytime I have to say "no" to what's natural to me I get so unbelievably frustrated, because I'm denying what I "want." Even though self-denial and looking beyond the things of this world to the things of heaven is good for us and what we are told to do (because it's good for us), it doesn't change the fact that in the midst of choosing to deny my natural wants or not I get really crazy frustrated. It's hard. And it's painful. In fact, I hate it.

What makes it all even more painful is that if I give in "just this once," which everyone knows will never be just this once, I feel God's looking down on me and asking, "My son, why did you do that?" Whether He is judging me or not, I now am judging myself, and of course I feel guilty, and of course now I regret it, and of course now I am in more pain than the act of choosing brought on. What's more, though, is that if I choose the right thing, I feel God's looking down on me and saying, "My son, you did what was right, and now don't you feel great?" Yes, I do feel great... but then a few weeks later, boy, I'm wishing I just gratified myself, no matter how temporary the pleasure may have been. Again, more pain. Or, perhaps I did the right thing and I feel God's looking down on me and saying, "My son, you did what was right, but did you do it for the right reason?" How the heck am I supposed to know? Did I do it simply because the Scriptures and my religious tradition warn against it? Because I think God will be proud of me? Because I think I'll go to hell if I don't? Or did I do it out of love for God, for myself, and for others? Who's to tell? So, again, more pain.

And generally when we do the wrong thing we, as Christians, do more than just look forward hoping to not repeat our sins. Maybe I'm only speaking for myself here, but I look back constantly and regret the damage I did to other people's lives. Especially when it comes to sexual misconduct our impurity generally ruins the lives of others, and when it comes to sexual misconduct we do so by shaming their sexual integrity and identity. That weighs heavily on me. More pain. If ever I don't look back in regret, then I still feel pain for not looking back and asking for forgiveness. If we live our lives without looking back and asking for forgiveness, just hoping in God's saving grace, then we are apt to continue hurting ourselves and other of God's children day after day, without remorse.

The more pain there is, the more I hate living the Christian life. The more I hate living the Christian life, the more I feel it necessary that our religion is about a way of life more than merely a faith we cling to. For if we have faith but do not live the life we will feel the pain and guilt and pain and regret and pain that I am so accustomed to, and we are probably all accustomed to.

So, why is 1 John 2 a favorite Scripture of mine? Why should I continue believing that as Christians we are all called to live as Jesus did? Why, if it only causes pain to ourselves for not being able to live up to the lofty goals of living as Jesus did? The reason is found in 1 John 3. Verse 1: "See what love the Father has given us, that we should be called children of God; and that is what we are." Verse 18: "Little children, let us love, not in word or speech, but in truth and action." We live as Jesus did not simply because we are commanded to, but because we love God so much that we can do nothing else.

Love is the key. Love for God, love for ourselves, love for all neighbors and all other children of God, for everyone is precious and everyone is loved by God. If we try living out of a sense of duty or obligation we might succeed, but then even success will breed pain in us if not in others. If we live in love then even our failures will be a success and there will be little likelihood that we do anything that can bring pain to others. And if we do bring pain to others, we are living knowing that our Father's love is everywhere and we are, in fact, forgiven.

So what am I saying exactly? Well... I'm saying that living out our call is a really hard, painful thing. Let's admit that. But I'm also saying that if we don't keep on just doing it because we feel compelled to from a sense of duty, and do it instead out of love for God and everything God has created, we will live as Jesus did. Love love love and we will walk just as Jesus walked, and when we walked as our Savior did, there's nothing we can do wrong. When we walk as Jesus did we will always be on the right path, even if we may have doubts. But it all comes down to love.

Now love, of course, can be it's own obligation. But let us try and remember why our call is to love--God has first loved us. That's truly amazing, if we really take a step back and think about it. So often I intellectualize those words and all other holy words, interpreting them and fitting them into a theology, and then that pains me. If we really think about how God loved us first and thank Him for it... the pain of living into the call will disappear.

For me, that's also incredibly hard. As I said, I intellectualize. Nothing really means anything to me. I struggle with the whole "faith" thing. Faith is nothing but a theology to me most of the time. Hence, I'm really afraid of death, it's really hard for me to believe in the resurrection as hard as I try. Love is hard for me. If we can remember, though, that we are all called to love because God first loved us and has created us and all His children, then our paths will be made clearer and more free of thorns.

Created by God

2010-03-04T17:35:00.002-05:00

It is a momentous time in the movement for equality for LGBTQ people. Marriage Equality has now reached the US capital Washington, DC. The Soulforce Equality Ride is on the road again bringing a message of affirmation for LGBTQ people where that message might not be heard. What a time it is to be involved in the LGBTQ rights movement. So much work is being done but so much more is left to do and as such I wanted to start my next post based off of a post a friend of mine made on the Gay Christian Network. My friend (Matthew, a seminary student at BU) posted this:

“My sexuality is an expression of the diversity that God created into nature. Diversity is not a result of sin. It is all part of God's plan. As for myself I believe God made me gay in a fallen world and he would have made me gay in a hypothetical non-fallen world. I believe that it is homophobia and hate that are results of the sin of the world. Those are the things that come from sin”

There is much more to his post then just this quote but this is what really struck me. I hear so often people say that homosexuality is the result of our fallen world. They make it sound as if the sexual orientation of a segment of the population was just an accident. Well I am standing up today and saying this is wrong. The sexuality and gender identity of LGBTQ people IS NOT an accident. God created us each to be diverse individuals. People come in so many different ways, shapes, sizes, hair color, eye color, skin color, etc. So why is it so hard to believe that sexuality and gender identity would be part of that beautiful diversity?

In Jer. 1:5 God say ““Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” Now this was a message to Jeremiah calling him to be a prophet but I think it also speaks to the idea that God knows us even before we are born and that God puts us together,creating us into a unique creation. This means my sexuality can not be an accident because it is a part of who I am, a God created part of my identity. This idea that God would rather all of the world be heterosexual but because of sin coming into the world this accidental sexuality exists is based on a heterocentric worldview and denies the very creation of God. Look throughout the animal kingdom, this diversity of sexuality also exists there. So the next time someone is trying tell you that this homosexuality is the result of fallen humanity kindly remind them the it is homophobia and hatred that are the result of sin and that sexuality and gender identity are a part of the beautifully diverse creation of God.

Be Yourself?!?

2010-03-02T23:42:00.000-05:00

This weekend I had the opportunity to attend the Simply Youth Ministry Conference in Chicago - after a 12-hour drive through a snowstorm to get there, which is a whole other blog post on our call to perseverance :) However, once I got there, I attended an 8-hour intensive "deep track" with Chap Clark titled "Thinking Theologically In Youth Ministry". During the four sessions that comprised the course, Chap had a lot to say about some negative blogging press he's been receiving (and capped off a detailed description of his detractors and their problems with "but of course I don't care about any of this" - riiiight). So I decided that I'd give him some positive attention on the Interwebs, specifically about the portion of the 3rd session dedicated to the call of Christian leadership.

(What follows is a very brief summation of what he had to say. My notes may be inaccurate or incomplete - I apologize to Chap and Fuller Seminary if I have misrepresented his work. On the other hand, since I was the intended and actual audience for the lecture, if I misrepresent his work, he may need to rethink some things. Just sayin'.)

The first point Chap makes about call is that it needs to be "thick", or multilayered. When we look at call in the Old Testament, we see that call was a defining force for those touched by it; call was nothing short of a radical change in personal and corporate identity. The four layers of call Chap identified were:
1) Individual summons, a la John 15:1-8
2) Call to a new family of faith (John 15:9-17)
3) Call to holy living (Phil. 5:1-3)
4) Call to live in the Kingdom by being yourself!
Chap goes on to mark the difference between job and vocation as God's presence and our acknowledgment of God as our audience. Within those parameters, he says our call should also contain or be defined by an unquenchable thirst for growth - not necessarily in numbers, but in depth and strength (my notes here have the Olympic motto - "higher, stronger, faster").

This last point is a sticker for those of us in professional ministry. I have watched nearly a dozen pastors of churches I've attended or worked at over the past decade struggle with how to relate to their congregations. Some choose to put up walls, to keep their private lives behind closed doors and to maintain emotional distance from those they serve. Others get right in there alongside their congregations, build relationships, share confidences - only to have a doubly difficult time extricating themselves when they are (inevitably, in the United Methodist system) reappointed. Most try to walk a tightrope line in the middle - allowing their personality to flavor their ministry and interactions more than some, but not getting as emotionally invested as others do.

Two weeks ago I began a paid ministry position as a youth director for a midsize church about an hour away from where I live. I haven't gotten to spend a whole lot of time with my youth and youth leaders (being in Chicago for four days somewhat hindered being present in Maryland), but already I'm wondering, as a staff member with no other history with or connection to the church, how close the congregation will let me get to them - and how willing I am to let them get close to me. In my experience, with youth especially, you have to allow your church, your youth, your family, to get under your skin if you have any hope of being an effective minister. It's not said nearly enough, but service in ministry is a dual transformation - a transformation of the people we serve, and a transformation of us as ministers as we learn, grow, succeed and fail. As Jake says in "To Save A Life" - what is the point of all this if you don't let it change you? If our ministry is not transformative, we're not doing what God has called us to do - and it can't be transformative unless we allow ourselves to be an organism, open to change.

It's Not About Me

2010-02-21T17:55:00.003-05:00

Over the past few weeks, I have fallen in love with rural church ministry. It is the most challenging thing I've done in my life, yet one of the most fulfilling. I think the only thing more fulfilling for me is working with children and youth who don't know Christ as Lord and Savior come to know this with every ounce of their body. This is a blessing.

My love for the churches grew as I was able to shovel God's driveway (AKA, the church parking lot) multiple times after the snow storms the mid-Atlantic has been experiencing recently. I shoveled until my whole body ached, until my hands bled. But I kept shoveling because it was a witness to the community around us that we are open and that worship is important. My heart swelled with love as I saw elderly people venture out to worship that was rescheduled. My love for them has grown each week as they teach me what they like about my sermons and what needs improvement. The love grew as I sort-of officiated communion for the first time (the elements were already consecrated) and botched it up. My love for them grew as we met with the staff/pastor parish relations committee (AKA the people who are the liasons between the pastor and the congregation, the ones who evaluate the pastor each year). In my small churches, literally 1/3 of the congregation sits on this committee. Our task last week was to create goals for each church, the charge and myself as the pastor for this year. Their goals for me? There were 2...first, to be academically successful (however I define that), and second, to take sabbath time. That's it. My heart swelled with love for them because they realized this need. My birthday was Friday, and I received 5 cards from my one congregation, and both congregations sang me "happy birthday" multiple times. Somehow, they figured this out...even though I was secretive abou this.

My love for the people has grown as I learn their stories. They rarely tell their own story, but they all tell tales on one another :) One man, who is about 80 years old, hadn't come to worship for 20 years--he had a falling out with someone years ago and never returned, despite the efforts of his wife, friends, various pastors, etc. I found out that when I came, he was invited back again, and came. He's been one of the most faithful attendees in the 2 months that I've been pastoring there. He's such a joy to be around! We had 5 children in worship today at the first church! A true blessing. Two weeks in a row we had more than 30 people in worship there...the average, going back at least 15 years, was 14 people. The church is coming alive! The second church I pastor had a luncheon after worship today (and boy, can they cook!). The attitudes and outlook of people are brighter than they were 2 months ago. While we aren't growing there (yet), the decline is gone...worship attendence is steady...even if there aren't children. I admire their tenacity in the face of possible closure in the next few years. Their hearts have gone to missions work. Last year, they didn't give a dollar to missions...now, there is over $350 going to relief efforts in Haiti and 36 health kits that were made! I'm in love.

But it's not about me. While I would like to say that the good that we've seen in the past few months are due to me...it's not. It's due to God being active and present...to us being open to being used according to God's purposes. I finished today's sermon at 2am. I fell asleep on the computer several times. I really struggled this week to make the sermon "fit" and "flow." Something just seemed "off." I finally gave up when I couldn't see the screen anymore...my eyes were droopy with sleep. I wasn't satisfied. I realized that this was becoming a common theme...each week, I finish the sermon, read it, and then say that it's missing "something." I'm never satisfied with the sermon. And perhaps that is a good thing. If I were satisfied with the sermon, it would be about me. But instead, I am forced to pray and surrender to God--"Lord, I pray that you speak through these words, that you speak through me to give the congregation a message that you would have them receive." But really, it's not God speaking through me, it's God speaking in spite of me. It's not about me. It's about God. The same is true about the growth (spiritually and numerically) in the congregations...it's not about me...it's about God. God is speaking and acting in spite of me, not because of me or through me.

I am grateful for the love and generosity shown to me by my congregations. I am blessed to have such wonderful teaching congregations that make it part of their ethos to show me how to be a pastor. But even more so, I am grateful and blessed that God is able to do great work there in spite of me being present. Thanks be to God!

What if I am wrong?

2010-02-17T15:31:00.002-05:00

In a conversation I was having recently I was asked what will happen if I am wrong about sexuality and whether it is a sin. It took me a little while to mull over this and come up with a theological response. I could have said I truly believe that God has shown homosexuality to be a part of the beloved creation and not a sin, but I felt that would be a cop out response and I wanted to respond in a way that offered something to think about and chew on. After some time of praying and thinking and this is what I kept coming back to.

Romans 3: 22-24 says “For there is no distinction, since all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God; they are now justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.”
Galatians 2:16 says “yet we know a person is justified not by works of the law but through faith in Jesus Christ. And we have come to believe in Christ Jesus so that we might be justified by faith in Christ and not by doing the works of the law.”
Galatians 2:21 says “I do not nullify the grace of God; for if justification comes through the law, then Christ died for nothing.”
John 5:24 says “Very truly, I tell you, anyone who hears my word and believes in the one who went me has eternal life and does not come under judgment, but has passed from death to life.”
Mark 10:45 says “For the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve and to give his life a ransom for many.”

So what does all that scripture mean? Well it means that we are all sinners and no matter how hard we try to adhere to the law we will always fail and be sinners. Gay or straight, we are all sinners. Christian or not we are all sinners. No matter how much we seek out perfection it will be just beyond our reach because have sinned and therefor fall short.

Galatians 2 speaks beautifully about the law and how our justification not from the law but is in Christ. You see redemption is the free gift offered to any who would receive it and there is no limit on it. See Christ came and gave his life so that all might believe in him and receive that redemption.

Then you turn to the gospels and see that Jesus himself says that he came to bring redemption to all who would hear and believe and for that cause was willing to go as far as to give his life for us.

So what happens if I am wrong? Well nothing, because I have placed my faith in the creator of the universe and as such have faith that redemption has been given to me because I believe. John Wesley once said“Faith, therefore, is the "necessary" condition of justification; yea, and the "only necessary" condition thereof”. This means that by faith were we are redeemed. So if I am completely wrong (though I must say I do not believe I am) that is ok because I have the assurance through faith in Jesus Christ that I will be redeemed. After all it is not about whether I sin or not but whether I accept the saving grace that comes from faith in Jesus Christ. To put it simply it is not about what we say and do but where we place our trust. I for one place my trust at the feet of Jesus and in the one who created us all and loves us all.

Convicted in the depths of a snowstorm

2010-02-10T12:47:00.004-05:00

As you probably know, DC has been under attack by a snowstorm (alternatively named everything from Snowmegeddon to Snowtorious B.I.G.) since Friday. As a result, we're nearing a week with no classes, no work, and little to no means of transportation.

This morning at about 8 a.m. the real blizzard hit, with freezing cold winds and swirling snow. My roommates and I were all off work, talking and laughing over breakfast, when my roommate Kris got quiet.

As we cleaned up breakfast, he started bundling up to go outside. He packed a backpack with a thermos of coffee and with food. I jokingly asked him if he was so sick of us that he was leaving.

"No," he said. "I'm going to church. I have to go let Miguel and Manuel in."

A little background: my roommates Kris and Kristine (husband and wife) have been in DC for 2 1/2 years. They hadn't been to church in ages when they came, but they started coming to my church soon after they arrived. Over the last two years, they've discovered faith, joined the church, and become two of the most active and encouraging members. Kris works at the White House; Kristine teaches ESL at a community college. And they challenge me every day in the ways they live out their faith.

Miguel and Manuel are two men who live on the steps of our church. Kris befriended them soon after they arrived and regularly does things with them. He eats with them, he lets them into the church to shower, he helps them find a free clinic when one of them has a cut. Now that Kris and Kristine are purchasing a home (into which they, my other roommate Rosalyn and, once they're married, her fiance Ben, and I will move), Kris is looking for ways for Manuel and Miguel to move in with us, too. It's not a matter of mercy or of guilt for Kris; it's simply his way of looking at what could be and finding ways to live into the Kingdom of God.

So this morning Kris set out in the snowstorm to do what he could do: trek a little over a mile to the church, open the doors, and sit with his two friends somewhere out of the cold. He's still gone, and I'm guessing that he will be all day. For Kris, people are more important than time, and he's amazing at being fully present with anyone.

Meanwhile, I've been catching up on work, doing laundry, calling prospective students...and being really convicted as I think about Kris, vocation, and call. Kris has a great job, and he's great at it. He has no desire and no call to leave that. But he also knows that he is called to love God and neighbor, and he does that in amazing ways.

I'm wrestling with my own call, particularly as it relates to ordination. Yet in that process, I too often forget the very basics - that we are all called, as followers of Jesus Christ, to do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with God. To love God and to love neighbor as ourselves. To preach the Kingdom of God come to earth - and to live into that new reality. And whether or not I am ordained, that means that the ways I spend my money, speak to people on the streets, and use my time, yes, even during a snowstorm should be affected.

God, may my questions about vocation and my attention to learning and ministry NEVER get distract me from your primary call to love You and serve my neighbors throughout the world and on my front steps.

Recall, Relearn

2010-02-09T13:32:00.004-05:00

Returning to moments in my life is generally very unpleasant. I have committed enough errors, sins, and mistakes to accumulate the necessary amount of guilt to want to forget my past entirely. Sometimes it's a blessing. Because I'm so averse to remembering my life, I can listen more intently to others when they tell me a story from their lives without interrupting and distracting with that far too common blurt out, "Oh, yeah, me too!" or something horribly similar. Mostly, though, it's not a blessing at all, because I don't even want to recall the happy moments in my life. Too often I find that even those happy moments can have guilt inserted in somehow. Maybe I recall a particularly good family vacation, but then I remember I never told anyone in my family I loved them on the trip and lost a perfectly good opportunity to bring our family closer together. Also, I might have the rare ability to love better in the present because I'm not hampered by the past, but then again, I am too weighed down by the future because I don't look to the past in my life often enough to find inspiration for the things to come.

My bad habit of never looking back creates spiritual problems, too. When I start doubting God's existence or God's love, I doubt with some serious intensity but never look back. I don't look back to my confirmation, when my pastor asked us confirmands (I swear that's a word) to stand in front of the congregation and close our eyes, putting our hands out to feel the wind of the Holy Spirit. I did it just because I was young enough that I did everything I was told. I was completely taken by surprise when I actually did feel a wind on my hands. Suspecting foul play, I looked around for a fan--nothing, no fans anywhere. Then I thought, "Well, the doors of the church are open because it's so hot and humid out, the air is probably moving around some." That settled me a down a bit... until I realized that it was, indeed, very humid out in the middle of June, and the air wasn't moving one bit. I swore then to God that I would never forget that moment because I felt that He was calling me to witness to His presence in our lives.

Unfortunately, I feel as if every action I've performed in life has been evidence of my forgetting that moment. I never look back and say to God, "You know, God, I may be struggling right now but I know I've felt your presence before, so give me the strength to get through this because I know you can." Instead, I always say, to myself, "What the frick, man... I feel so terrible I just want to get out of this."

Similarly, I never think about my "call" moment. The moment when I sat in a church one day, very frustrated with the lack of passion in the pastor and the congregation, and heard a voice tell me "I called you here for a reason, to know that you could do better and stand up there." Once I was called, I was called. I listened to the voice that I believed to be God's and never looked back. Some might say that's a good thing. I heard the call and never questioned God's judgment, I just listened, got on the path and went on my way--God's way.

But what the frick is God's way? I have no idea, because I never once looked back in reflection upon that moment, that day. Until one day, when my candidacy mentor started asking me questions about my call moment. At first, all I could say was, "Well, I just know that I'm called to be a pastor because I heard this voice." But then, with more and more questioning and with good pastoral care on the part of my mentor, saying things like, "Well, what I'm getting from your experience is this..." I learned a great deal about my call story that I had previously not known. I had previously not known because I never took the time to know. Upon recalling my memory of my call and, simultaneously, God's presence, I learned more about where my life is supposed to go and relearned what it means to be called by God to a life of ministry.

I won't go into the details, mostly because it's a long story and my fingers would grow tired, but what I want to get out of this post is this: continually recalling your call moment or moments, or maybe recalling those moments that you think God was directly present in your life or you think God was calling you, and discussing those moments with other caring individuals can help you learn a whole lot about the nature of God and the nature of God in your life. Hearing the call is always a continual learning experience. We must always keep an eye open for God's voice, by reflecting on our lives with God Himself and with those loving individuals we come across.

I Don't Wanna Go!!

2010-02-07T16:56:00.003-05:00

I was in church this morning, and the children's sermon had just ended. It was time for the children to leave and go to Sunday School. A boy sitting in front of me, probably about three years old, started yelling "I don't wanna go!" as his parents cajoled him into going.

This made me think about my own experience when I was younger. I, too, wasn't extremely fond of Sunday School. But even though I didn't want to go, my parents knew something that I didn't. They knew that I was going to be doing fun art projects, getting to know friends, and, ultimately, learning about the God that my parents already knew and loved. Looking back at those days, I'm now thankful for my parents making me go to church, because I still remember those bible stories that I learned back then

I think that it's similar with God. Part of being called, for many of us, involves us saying, "I don't wanna go! I'm comfortable right here! Why do I have to go there?!" But God, our heavenly Parent, knows something that we don't know... Yet. What we're going to do, who we're going to meet, and what projects we're going to have when we get there is often kept from us. Like that child, it takes some trust and maybe even a leap of faith to be willing to go somewhere unknown.

This little thought process of mine happened before the sermon even started, so I got extremely excited when the pastor began talking about the attributes of a call as the bible describes them. Stories of individuals being called by God are found throughout both the Old and New Testaments, and the stories share a number of commonalities.

People who experience an authentic call from God are reluctant to accept it and "resist mightily." Rev. Scott Campbell, the pastor of Harvard-Epworth United Methodist Church where I attend, described this as being similar to being drafted to where God has chosen for you to be, rather than making a career choice. Biblical calls also come with feelings of inadequacy for the call that God has made, but that moves them toward a reliance on God for results - that is, God doesn't choose the most gifted and talented among us, but works inside of us and provides for us.

God calls us to go into places where we aren't comfortable, where we feel inadequate. God continues to call us as we try to pull back, as we try to run away. I've come to realize that no matter how far I try to run, there are always more bushes that can burn. I also believe that God won't lead us to a place where we have no chance at succeeding, where we can't grow and learn.

Toward the end of the service, the boy returned from Sunday School. He excitedly showed his parents the bookmarks that he made while he was there. We, too, can create something to be proud of when we follow where we are led.

Called by God

2010-02-05T14:32:00.002-05:00

To have a prophetic voice. To speak with the authority of God. To speak the truth of God. To show the love of God in everyday. These are part of who a pastor should be.

I have been learning about the reformation in my church history class and how the people hungered for the word of God. One woman stood up because she was called by God when others were not willing to stand up and speak out with a prophetic voice. This woman was a contemporary of Martin Luther named Argula von Grumbach and if you ever get the chance to read her Letter to the University of Ingolstadt I highly recommend it. In this letter she took on the corrupt Roman Catholic establishment of the time and the persecutions of the reformers and used scripture to back up everything she said. In doing so she preached the word of God. That is what I call prophetic voice. She spoke out because she felt called by God to speak out.

God calls us all to do certain things. For some it may be to be a teacher. For some it may be to practice law. For some it may be to be a stay at home parent. And for some they are called to preach and share the love of God from the pulpit on Sunday mornings and wherever else they might be throughout the week. A calling from God, particularly to be a pastor, is a high calling to follow.

I have a calling and I hope those who read these blogs or hear me speak hear the prophetic voice of God coming through. I am called to be a pastor, an ordained elder in the United Methodist Church. Sadly I am not sure I will be able to become one at least for now. You see, because of the things I write about on here and my openness about who I am and the fact that I refuse to stop trying to be a prophetic voice particularly on the issues of sexuality and gender identity my candidacy will most likely be rejected. Sadly the United Methodist Church recognizes the call of many but not all. You see if you identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual (thank God there are no rules against being transgender, though some protection would be nice) then your candidacy is in jeopardy. The United Methodist Church actually actively rejects these that are called by God. They will recognize the gifts the person has and acknowledge they would be a great pastor and then reject them based on their sexuality. How can we a church who follows God reject those called by God? If a person is called by God shouldn't that be good enough for us to accept them?

Right now the church is losing good pastors who could have been the future leaders in the UMC. I know of several who have left the UMC for other denominations for this exact reason. They love the United Methodist Church and they feel called to be a pastor but because the UMC views them as a person of sacred worth who is unfortunately “incompatible with Christian teachings” they are rejected and in order to live out their calling they have left. Why are we letting this happen? When are we going to reject this notion that some how because someone loves a person of the same gender that they are damaged and unworthy? When are we going to stop riding the fence on this issue and speak as a church with prophetic voice claiming that all are equal and truly of sacred worth because they were created by God and called into God's service? When will we recognize the calling that God has placed on so many of the lives of LGBTQ people?

a still small voice

2010-02-04T22:40:00.001-05:00

Hello blog reader(s). My name is Amanda. I'm from a small town in Massachusetts and have just started my second semester at Wesley Theological Seminary in Washington D.C. Now that is out of the way let me try to explain why I am at seminary.

I love the title of this blog. Nearly three years ago, maybe even four, I prayed to God for a sign. I know you aren't suppose to do that, but I tried anyway. I wanted the pine tree in my front yard to catch fire and a voice from heaven to say "Amanda go to seminary." So when that didn't happen, which I knew it wouldn't, I decided that I could just remain at the job (I hated) and try to survive. However, over the course of the few years between then and now a still small voice was ever present in my life that kept reminding me that I was made for more. It began, at least from what I can tell, with an older women in my congregation at my home church. Every once in a while she would tell me that I was "too smart to be working" at my job and that "the Church needed young people like me." To join her voice, my Pastor began to ask me questions regarding my work with the youth; questions that pointed out my love of youth ministry in contrast to my dislike of my full time job.

I attended a weekend Walk to Emmaus, which helped me focus upon my true calling; to follow God's call to enter ministry. But that was in the spring of 2007.

By the summer of 2008 I had finally grown tired of the constant small voice(s) that persistently insisted that I do more than work a secular job. Once I decided I would go to seminary I felt a relief and calm. And that is when my world collapsed.

In August of 2008 my only brother, Brian, died suddenly in a motorcycle accident. I won't go into the specifics, nor will I mention how it has affected my entire life. I have a blog where I write about that and how I am coping with his death which if you are interested you can read here.

It is by the grace of God that I remained strong during the days, and weeks following Brian's death. At the end of December, I began the application process to Wesley, the one and only seminary I applied to. I overnighted my application the day before it was due, and when, a few weeks later, I received word I was accepted, I was in shock.

Now that I am in seminary I am still discerning my call, at least I claim to be. I want to work in Youth Ministry. It is not something temporary, nor something that will lead to becoming a Senior Pastor. I love working with middle/high school kids. It is hard work but rewarding. I just recently decided that because of this I am officially switching from a M.Div. to an M.A.. I have the paperwork filled out, but not yet turned in to the office.

I may know what I want to do with my degree, and after seminary, but there are many days when I wake up and think, "God, why am I here? why did I follow? why did I say, 'Here I am, send me?'"

Even though my life over the past year has been extremely difficult at times, I realized that maybe from very early on in my life God had been directing me here: to seminary. There was always a hymn at church that made me cry, beginning at the age of 10. Every Sunday my mother would scan the church bulletin to make sure it wasn't scheduled to be played. It became a joke almost, but a few bars into the song, even before we began singing, I would burst into tears.

I, the Lord of sea and sky, I have heard my people cry. All who dwell in dark and sin, My hand will save. I, who made the stars of night, I will make their darkness bright. Who will bear my light to them? Whom shall I send? Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord? I have heard you calling in the night. I will go, Lord, if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart. (United Methodist Hymnal #593, Here I am, Lord)

When I hear this hymn now, I'm not likely to cry. I often smile and think that even when I was young, God was nudging me. And I have, finally, answered, "Here I am, Lord"

B4 news & notes

2010-02-04T19:34:00.002-05:00

Today we celebrate Bring Back The Burning Bush's 1-month birthday! A few noteworthy things have happened in our blogging community in that month:

-Matt Burke was just accepted to Reformed Theological Seminary in Charlotte, NC! Congratulations Matt!

-Cody Natland of Boston University School of Theology and Joey Heath of the Reconciling Ministries Network have joined our blogging team! Welcome Cody and Joey!

To read more about Matt, Cody, Joey and the rest of our awesome blogging crew, click the "meet our fabulous blog team!" link on the right hand side of the screen. If you'd like to join our merry band of ~~thieves~~ call, vocation and discernment explorers, please email me at k.mackereth@gmail.com ASAP to get started.

God Speaks...

2010-01-29T18:15:00.003-05:00

Last time I blogged here I finished by asking the question, "does the individual change to match the call, or does the call change to match the individual?" I still don't have an answer to this...but I've had some new revelations. I'm blogging now because I'm procrastinating on my work...sometime in the next few days (AKA, a Friday night spent doing homework, a Saturday at the funeral of a friend's grandma, leading 2 worship services on Sunday morning, and a dentist appointment on Monday morning before driving 2+ hours to classes Monday afternoon), I need to read 12 chapters of Genesis, all of 1 & 2 Thessalonians, Philippians and Philemon, in addition to about 350 pages of secondary source material on everything ranging from scripture to church history to worship to stewardship in small churches. Hence the reason I'm procrastinating.

This week was the first week that I had to manage both pastoring and school. Now, I should explain that I'm used to hard work. I've been working since I was 16 years old. In college, I worked 5 part-time jobs at the same time. I've never been one to shy away from a challenge. But I must say that I am exhausted. Even if I didn't have all my work to do, I still wouldn't want to go out tonight...I don't have the energy. My seminary is about 2 hours away from my churches (with no traffic...which in this area is like impossible). Monday I had to do all the beginning of the semester stuff--get IDs validated, buy books, register my card at the library, get keys to commuter housing, etc. Then I had classes from 1:30-8:30pm. I went back and chilled with people for a while, went to bed around midnight and got up early. On Tuesday, I had classes/chapel/meals/meetings continuously from 8:30am-10pm. Then I had to drive home. I got to bed around 2am. Wednesday, I got up, worked on my bulletin and sermon for Sunday, and then had to drive back to campus that afternoon/evening for my once-per-month class that night. I got in after midnight again. Thursday I finished the sermon, copied, folded and stuffed bulletins, went to visit choir practice at 2 churches and schmooze a bit. I was supposed to have a meeting with a pastor friend on either Thursday or Friday, but he got sick...so that was cancelled. Today, I stopped by one church to help set up for a Bible study that starts this week (God is amazing! In a congregation of 20 people, we have 15 people signed up for a Bible study...including a couple of people from outside of the congregation!). I sometime need to finish looking at the curriculum they picked and then asked me to lead. (All of Genesis in 10 weeks).

So now that you are thoroughly bored with my life and schedule...here's the point. I have always LOVED academia. Like, I was the one who started jumping up and down (literally!) when professors assigned research papers...it's how I learn best, and I adore learning! And I still enjoy learning. I enjoy my classes (for the most part) when I'm in them...especially when they are small and have lots of interaction (not as much lecture). But I don't enjoy all the work I have. My mind keeps wandering to the next sermon I can't wait to start writing...or how my small churches can better let the community know we exist...or what to say to the man dying from cancer...or how to re-design worship to make it more exciting...or how I can find more people my age to bring to church...especially these churches...or where the money can come from in the budget to provide scholarships to kids to go to summer church camp...or daydreaming about the day I can actually consecrate communion...you get the idea. My mind drifts away from classes to actual ministry. I want to see the growth (both spiritually and numerically) in my churches. I want to be more effective as their pastor. I want to help the community around us find Christ in their lives. I don't want to read about it. I'm an action-oriented person.

So where is this going, you might ask...well...I'm wondering about my changing call...or me changing to better match my call. I'm wondering if perhaps I'm not called to full-time academia after all. Perhaps I'm called to local church ministry (which, if you had asked me even 6 weeks ago, I would have said, "Absolutely not!" I wouldn't have even considered it a possibility.). A few months ago, I was sitting in a small UMC congregation during a Sunday morning worship service. The church had maybe 20 or 25 people there...in a sanctuary designed to hold several hundred. The whole place needed some TLC...but you could see that at one time, it was absolutely gorgeous! I was trying to pay attention to the sermon...but my mind wandered because I was unhappy that the pastor said that women have achieved full-inclusion and equal status in the UMC as clergy. While that's true on paper, women are still fighting for equal pay, equal representation as clergy in large churches, and against many congregants who don't believe women should be in the pulpit. Rather than letting myself get angry, I chose to let my mind wander. I started looking at the cross...thinking about Christ's sacrifice for us. And I began praying about my call...I said to God, "Lord, this worship service is dead. People aren't engaged. The message is not inspiring. If this is what is going on in churches across the country, there's no question why churches are losing members and worship attendees. I could do better than this." And with that, I heard God speaking to me. (Yeah, I audibly hear God sometimes...it's pretty strange, and I can't explain it...no, I promise, I'm not psycho!) God told me, "I know you can do better than this, and you will." I replied, "God, are you telling me what I think you're telling me? I don't want to be in a local church! I'm called to academia...I'm good at that...I like that." (I knew better than to say that I wasn't going to do something...cuz I know that I'd definitely end up doing that!) God chuckled a bit and said, "You will do better. You will go where you are called." I said, "God, are you trying to tell me that I'm going to end up in a local church?!?! You're crazy!" I then got an image in my mind of God smiling. And that was the end of our conversation for the moment.

I'm absolutely happy and content serving my two churches. I love it! (Even when challenges arise, even when the same guy talks my ear off each week, even when the 3-person choir sings off-key every week, even when I can't use the upstairs bathroom in the 200 year old parsonage because the floor slopes 35 degrees...even when I'm exhausted from copying bulletins at 11pm on a Saturday night and get stopped by a cop wondering what I'm doing--true story--, even when...) I'm happier than I've been in months. I'm busy, yes, but I feel like I have a purpose. I'm serving. I had missed that in the fall semester...I didn't feel satisfied. I missed leading Bible studies and participating fully in worship. I tried to go to a different church (or at least a different service) each week...to get a better idea of how others structured worship. I was fairly successful at this (and I do recommend doing this on occassion...it helps you to realize that there are other ways of doing stuff), but I felt a disconnect from a steady worshipping body. One of the services I went to, the Spirit was so alive, the worship amazing, the people friendly, I broke down in tears 6 times in ther service because I missed that so much.

Now that I'm serving as a pastor, I'm starting to feel myself come back to life! My energy returns, and I'm happy, joyful, content and satisfied. Is that conversation in October with God coming to fruition? I don't know. What I do know is that a pile of books awaits me...and God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good!

When the Fan has been Hit by Crap...

2010-01-25T10:52:00.003-05:00

Our fearless leader has asked us to write in response to a quotation from Dietrich Bonhoeffer. I will most certainly do that, but work it into what I wanted to write in the first place, since it all works together, I think.

First of all, to the other blog writers, I apologize for not reading your posts. I think that if I expect other people to read mine I should be reading all the posts, too, which would then potentially make my posts even more interesting. Woops...

Anyway, believing in a God who intervenes in our lives on a regular basis is not as great as you might think. First of all, I hate the word "intervenes" in this case, because it's not as if God stops us from doing anything or enters into our lives for the worse. He always provides us with signs and guidance, but then steps away to let us do our own thing.

But doing our own thing can be very painful when it's not in accord with what God wants for us. Must we always do what God wants for us? No. And sometimes I believe there are many choices in our lives that God doesn't really care about. For instance, I doubt God cares a whole lot about whether we attend Metropolitan United Methodist Church or First United Methodist Church of so-and-so. (By the way, it's unbelievable how often these blogs automatically save drafts, wow...) When God does care, though, He cares not because He wants to dominate our lives and prove to Himself that He owns us, He cares because He truly wants us to be happy, peaceful, and loving. When we're making a choice, consciously or unconsciously, that may have serious impact on our well-being--physical, spiritual, and emotional-- God enters into our lives to guide our choice. I also believe God enters into our lives sometimes just to be with us, like a father would with a child. No father is only going to talk to his son or daughter when they need help.

Again, we don't always need to do what God wants for us, but most of the time we will be very frustrated with ourselves for not listening. Even if you don't believe God enters into our lives, don't you sometimes have that, "My Savior Jesus Christ probably didn't die for me so I could do this..." thought? I have that thought all the friggin time... though it rarely stops me, so I go ahead and do the thing anyway, and then feel terrible afterward. God doesn't want us to feel terrible, that's why He has given us a book to live by and that's why He tries guiding us. Thankfully, that's also why He sent His son to die for us, so we can repent and be forgiven.

Let me get to my story. As of a week and a half ago, I had a girlfriend that I really loved and cared about more than anything in the whole wide world (well, except for God and His Creation). Because of certain aspects of my personality, I was worried that I would really hurt her irreparably and I didn't think it was something we could work out. Since hurting her immensely is the last thing I wanted to happen, I decided to break it off.

The decision had been looming darker and darker for about a week, starting right before football playoffs began. All the teams I wanted to win that first weekend lost, badly. Then all the teams I wanted to win the second weekend lost, badly. I was 0 for 8.

Now, I believe I said in my last blog that I believe God works through football and sports in general, whether you do or not is up to you, but I believe it. Being 0 for 8 was very strange. Add to that the fact that I was hurting being separated from my love more than I thought I would be. You see, I thought I had done the right thing for her, and therefore the right thing for me and for us as well. Thinking that, I didn't expect to be such a wreck. I expected that God would be happy that I did the right thing and grant me some peace. Peace never came, though I tried stubbornly holding onto the thought that I had done the right thing. Of course, I should have known I had done the right thing when I had the thought, "Hmm, are all my teams losing because God wants me to know that my mind isn't in the right place?" I didn't acknowledge that thought, though I had it wandering in the back of my mind quite a bit.

It comes as no surprise to me that, after telling my certain someone (soon to be my Valentine) the real reason why I had broken it off and she said we should work through it and we got back together yay!, both the teams I wanted to win in the playoffs won this weekend. Again, maybe I'm just superstitious, but I really believe that God was sending me signs that I was doing the wrong thing and it was inconsistent with His plan for us. And when I finally acknowledged that, I do believe God sent me a sign that things were back to normal, that I was back on track. And I do believe that the immeasurable pain both she and I felt was a result of my rejecting God's plan.

It is nice having something to hold onto, to believe that God is up there and cares about us. But it's not so nice sometimes. I now scrutinize every little thing I do. "Did God want that, or not?" I am constantly battling depression, desperation, confusion, guilt, regret, and heart-ache like I did this past week because I just don't know what God wants sometimes. Most of the time, actually. And it kills me. Sometimes I wish I didn't believe that God comes down to us and gives us signs and guidance about what to do because then I wouldn't be so obsessed with following His plan. I can't let it go, because believing what I do I feel obligated to follow God every step of the way. I can't reject God's call for me. Sometimes, though, I question whether I've read the signs correctly, or whether the "signs" were really God at all. This week has made me question everything I believe has led me to this point in my life to be at seminary. Does God really want me to be a pastor? I don't friggin know. All I know at the moment is that I did the right thing with my girlfriend, but I have to reevaluate everything else in my life. Hopefully that will make me stronger in faith, but we shall see.

Also, sometimes, like at the moment, I feel as if I've been swimming along in a dream world, acting upon impulse and not consciously in faith making any decision. That, too, brings guilt and depression. Maybe it's a sign that God is guiding me along, carrying me, but then I feel as if I don't have free will; maybe it just means that I'm not consciously paying attention to God's will, and then I feel depressed for not pausing and spending time with God.

At this point, I'd like to finally talk about Kate's prompt, which I'm hoping she's posting so I don't keep talking about with no reference. You can only answer your call alone. I believe that. I believe I am alone with God trying to figure out what He wants me to do, not just with my general call in life but with every major choice I make. No one can help me. All people can do is ask, "How do you feel in your gut?" Oftentimes that's not what I want to hear. I don't want to hear it because what I feel in my gut and what I think in my head are most likely at odds, especially if we add to the mix my natural inclinations (a.k.a. "the ways of the world"). The earthly side of me often wants one thing and my gut wants another. The earthly side often wins, and then I feel terrible.

It's an inner struggle that must be dealt with on my own with God. In my particular situation I've been telling about, I should have listened to my gut, to God. Again, I didn't. I listened to more earthly things, and my mind backed it up. That struggle between God and my own natural wants was not easy. It's never easy. It's not easy standing before God saying, "Here I am, broken, defeated, now tell me what you want because I can't do this on my own," and then actually listening. What I most want is for God to back me up, not tell me something completely new. But there I am, alone before God, having no one to blame but myself for not listening. But if I don't appear before God alone, then I will never know what He wants. I would never have known that I did the wrong thing and I would have gone through life feeling empty because I had broken God's plan.

And alone I must reevaluate my life. Alone I must purify myself of all this is earthly so that I can listen to God's plan, really listen. It will be a long struggle. A struggle strife with doubt over whether I'm hearing God correctly or not, if I'm reading His miraculous entries into my life correctly. A struggle I'm not worthy to undertake... as I write this I become more and more aware of my unworthiness, more and more aware that I cannot stand alone before God because of what I've done in my past. But I know that the only way I can have joy back, to have my freedom back, is if I ask for forgiveness and return to God and His path.

"I want to be free. I want to write my own ticket. But I know I can't. There is this voice haunting me, and it keeps repeating the same thing in my head, over and over again. I have no choice to succumb to it. There is no freedom in this world, this life, apart from Me."
-Andrew Schwab, Project 86

Who We Are

2010-01-21T23:12:00.014-05:00

Since this is a collaborative blog, keeping track of who is who and who is doing what can get a little confusing. So here's a little bit about each of our contributors (updated as of March 2011):

Kate Mackereth is our fearless leader, founder and blog administrator. She is originally from Frederick, Maryland and is currently living in Washington, DC while attending Wesley Theological Seminary. Kate is a certified candidate for elder's orders in the UMC and will undergo her provisional ordination exams early next year (yikes!). She currently serves Mt. Zion United Methodist Church of Highland, MD as their Director of Youth Ministries and pastoral intern. Kate serves the Wesley Seminary community as president of Wesley Fellowship, and recently accepted an invitation to serve on a conference-wide board working to promote concepts of call and vocation throughout the Baltimore-Washington Conference. Kate is also a gifted singer and musician. You can follow her on Twitter at twitter.com/tattooedpastor

Amanda Jean is a current Masters of Arts student at Wesley Theological Seminary, and will marry her future husband, Andrew, this May. She grew up in a small town in Western Massachusetts and moved to Washington, D.C. to attend seminary two years ago. For almost four years prior to coming to seminary, Amanda worked at her local church in Massachusetts as a volunteer Youth Director. Although her church was small, she had a solid 8 member junior high youth group. Amanda hopes to use her seminary degree to assist churches in developing and improving their Christian Education programs, and also enjoys writing curriculum for youth and children's classes. In her spare time, Amanda enjoys cooking a wide variety of foods, and is also planning her upcoming wedding!

Beth Ludlum is Director of Recruitment at Wesley Theological Seminary and a 5th-year Master of Divinity student. A Kansas farm girl at heart, Beth has fallen in love with the city and has done extensive vocational exploration by working in coffeeshops, on Capitol Hill, for a national nonprofit, as a home healthcare provider, and as a teacher in China before landing in the blessed realm of seminary admissions. For her day job, she loves listening to people’s stories and participating in the discernment process with prospective students; in her free time, she runs, reads, studies, and travels extensively. When she’s not on the road or dogsitting/housesitting/babysitting somewhere in the city, she lives in a wonderful community house with three roommates, a dog, lots of laughter, and a steady flow of houseguests. While she tried for some time to be Mennonite, she has returned to the fold of Methodism at Mt. Vernon Place UMC in the heart of DC and is now on the path toward ordination.

Bonnie McCubbin is a native of Harford County, Maryland and very proud to be serving a student appointment in her native area at the Deer Creek Charge as the youngest pastor in her conference. She is a life-long United Methodist and seeking ordination as an elder. Bonnie is also a student at Wesley Theological Seminary in Washington, DC. She is passionate about retreat and camping ministries; the arts in worship; bringing together faith and the environment; and connecting local churches with Methodist history.

Cody Natland grew up attending Selah United Methodist Church in Selah, Washington and after spending his first year of divinity studies at Boston University, transferred to Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary in Louisville, KY in 2010. He plans to return to the Pacific Northwest after finishing seminary and plans to be an elder in the United Methodist Church. Cody is especially passionate about camping ministry, campus ministry, and ministry with young adults. He is hopeful and excited about changes that he believes he will see in the church during his lifetime and leadership. While his time is usually spent reading textbooks and spending time with his new bride Crystal, he also enjoys reading, movies, and snowshoeing. Cody is excited about where the mysterious process of answering God’s call will take him during this crazy journey.

Joey Heath - "I am the product of a traditional southern household having spent most of my growing up years living in south Georgia. In addition to being southern I am also an army brat meaning my dad served in the army for the first 10 years of my life. I am also a graduate of Valdosta State University with a degree in political science. In May 2008 I attended the United Methodist General Conference and it was there I recieved my calling to go to seminary. I accepted this calling and I am currently a seminary student at Wesley Theological Seminary. I believe God has called to be a prophetic voice on issues of LGBTQ equality in the church. All are beloved created children of God and should be accept as such. The diversity of God's creation is beautiful and includes our LGBTQ brothers and sisters. My committment is to see that LGBTQ people are fully included in the church and that they know that God loves them and created them."

John Lucy is a youngin Master of Divinity student as Wesley Theological Seminary, who loves jokes (especially Mitch Hedberg and Steven Wright) and prefers to explain the awkward existence of giraffes by arguing they arrived from Neptune on a conveyor belt. Mr. Lucy finds much of his spiritual inspiration from literature, particularly Dylan Thomas and J.R.R. Tolkien. He loves to think of himself as the next Oscar Wilde and likes to think that he brings fresh and challenging, yet mostly traditional, ideas to the table. Currently he spends his free-time walking, training for the Appalachian Trail, and doing his best to be famous via authoring.

Matt Burke grew up in Christ United Methodist Church of Frederick, MD and graduated from Grove City College with a degree in Christian Thought and a minor in Christian Ministries. Once he completes seminary at Reformed Theological Seminary in Charlotte, NC, he is looking to be ordained in a Reformed denomination (probably Presbyterian Church of America or ARP).

Steve Humphrey is our newest (and oldest...happy 41st birthday!) blog contributor. He is an ordained elder of the UMC and was recently reappointed from Walkersville UMC in Walkersville to Union Chapel UMC in Joppa, MD. Steve is married to a wonderful woman named Rebecca and has four children. Steve also serves his conference as a member of his local District Committee on Ordained Ministry and as a candidacy mentor (Kate's candidacy mentor, in fact - for which the rest of our blog community extends its condolences). He is currently working on his first book.

Changing: Calls and Individuals

2010-01-21T23:01:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was a mile-stone in my journey towards ordination in the UMC. I had my certification interview with the District Committee on Ordained Ministry (DCOM). This is a BIG step in the candidacy process for UMCers...it's kind of a plateau--a goal to reach where you can rest for a while, take a deep breath, and plunge back into the process. Certification affords you additional recognition that your calling is being affirmed, as well as the more tangible--it qualifies you for extra scholarship money :) In my conference, it's up to 50% of tuition.

So...anyway...to make a long story short(er), you fill out all kinds of paperwork (apparently, I was too thorough? I didn't know that was possible...most of it was stuff like your name, address, etc.), and then you go in for an interview where the committee is allowed to grill you. And grill me they did. What was supposed to take no more than 45-minutes from start-to-finish lasted an hour and a half! I felt like I was floundering on many of the questions...I got the usual, "describe your call" (which, if you are thinking about ministry, you get tired of repeating over and over and over and ... again...it's kind of like when you are 7 years old and people keep asking you what grade you're in...or when you're in college and you get tired of saying your major or hometown). Other questions I expected were "so...now that you're serving as a pastor, how's it going? What have you learned? What's challenged you?" Stuff like that. I also learned that apparently giving your call as an image/allegory raises more questions for pastors who are used to thinking in words. They find it interesting, but feel compelled to ask a ton of (seemingly) pointless questions.

Everything seemed to be flowing along ok, until the committee brought up the issue of communion. Now, I must admit, I feel a certain thrill every time I receive communion, and an overflowing joy when I am priveleged to serve it to others. I daydream of the day when I can fully consecrate the elements. I happened to mention this in one of my written responses. Really, the reason I put it in there is not because I have a passion for communion (although I do), but to help solidify my justification for pursuing ordination as an elder who wants to go into extension ministry, and to keep from being pushed into deacon's orders when I don't feel called to that...even though it fits better with the extension ministry ideas. The committee spent a good 20-minutes grilling me on communion and my theology of communion (which I have no clue what mine is...heck, I haven't even taken my worship class at seminary yet!). I flubbed my way through, trying to give the answers they wanted while staying true to myself. It was nearly impossible. At one point, I had 4 pastors all asking me different questions, each searching for their own "catch phrase" answer...and 2 of them were mutally exclusive! Finally it ended, and most of them seemed satisfied when I broke into song (in case you're curious, I used "Big House" from Audio Adrenaline...and yes, I did the motions too..."it's a big, big table, with lots and lots of room!" where we can feast at the heavenly banquet).

I found out later that my mentor said that the committee was "wowed" by my responses (which I'm grateful for...becauase I have no clue what I said...I tried to write it down afterwards, and it was already a blur). Apparently, we have "a few things to work on" before the provisional exams in 2 years...but hey...I'm satisfied for now. (And yes, in case you are wondering, I was "provisionally certified," because the committee is waiting on a bunch of paperwork and docs to make it to my file before they can officially certify me...once that is all complete (which was no fault of mine...miracuously enough...), I will be officially certified).

But one of the questions that really got me thinking afterwards was "how has your calling changed since you were last before the DCOM?" (16-ish months ago). I flubbed my way through some sort of answer that basically said I had come to view pastoral ministry as the foundational piece for all ministry (how could I say otherwise if I'm serving an appointment?!?), and it's true...in the past few months, I've come to value the pastoral ministry more than I did before. But what I found myself wondering later was, "has my calling changed since I was last before the committee?" OR, "have I changed to better match my calling?" I don't have an answer...I'm still searching and discerning...but I thought that is an interesting twist on the question of call...does the call change to match the individual, or does the individual change to match the call? Or is it a combination of both? What do you think?

Picking a Seminary: Questions to Consider

2010-01-16T23:54:00.000-05:00

I've begun the process of choosing a seminary. I have a few potential schools on my list, the first of which I just got back from visiting (read about it here).

Picking a seminary is one of the most difficult choices facing anyone following a call to full time Christian ministry. There are thousands of seminaries in North America, and the task of choosing the best one can certainly be daunting. You have to ask yourself a metric ton of questions in order to create a set of criteria by which to evaluate each school. While the following list is by no means exhaustive, they give an example of some of the things I had to think about. Hopefully, they will be helpful in guiding your decision process.

Theologically Liberal vs. Theological Conservative? How do you answer questions about the nature of God, the nature of man, the historicity of Christ, the authority of Scripture, or the possibility of miracles?

Ministry vs. Scholarship? It's my observation that certain schools tend to produce pastors and ministers, while other schools are more interested in producing scholars and professors. Which are you looking for? Does the school in question try to produce ministers at the expense of teaching systematic theology, biblical languages, and biblical studies? Or does it try to generate scholars at the expense of practical theology like preaching, counseling, and leadership? Does it try to take a more balanced or nuanced approach?

There are 4 other aspects that I considered. You'll need to roughly rank them in order of importance to you.

Theological Affinity? Methodist, Baptist, Reformed/Presbyterian, or Roman Catholic?Arminian or Calvinist? Does the seminary have a statement of faith? Does it offer a unified perspective on issues, or is the faculty all over the map theologically? Does it require you to affirm certain doctrines as a requirement for graduation
Practical Ministry Experience? Number of internship hours required? Number of local churches to work in? Does the school help place you in internships? Are they paid? Does the school itself run ministries?
Community / Spiritual Development? On-campus housing? Number of students? Accountability or mentorship groups? Professor-student ratio? Do the professors take personal interest in students?
Academics? Are the academics top notch, run of the mill, or lacking altogether? Are the professors published? Are they top of their field, or relatively unknown?

I've also come to realize you need to evaluate the location of the seminary as well. Will you be able to find a job? A church? How are the living expenses? Transportation issues? Crime? How's the climate?

These are just some of the many questions you could ask yourself. You can probably think of many more (add them to the comments!). Maybe you don't even care about some of these questions: the things that are important to me may not be very important to you. I hope these will be useful to you in any event.

So, what are some other things to consider?

The Signs and Such

2010-01-16T13:31:00.004-05:00

I'll start by saying that I've never read Scripture very much... which is weird, considering I'm very much a Scripture first and everything in the Bible is true (though I struggle with it) type of person. So when my pastor from home (hopefully I won't be using my normal, distracting amount of parentheses here, but I just have to say that I'm from near Boston, which should matter to you because Massachusetts is the greatest state of all time and Boston is, in some ways, a city on a hill to me) asked me about a year into trying to follow my call into ministry whose call in the Bible I related to most, I was stuck.

I couldn't think of anyone but Moses and the "oh Lord I'm not worthy, choose someone else" attitude. To me, that seemed rather generic. Who in their right mind ever responds to God's call by saying, "Heck yeah! Geez, God, I didn't think you'd ever ask, what took you so long????" And then I quickly thought back to when I was thirteen or fourteen, when I told my friends I thought I'd be a pastor when I grew up, a sentiment that I quickly forgot and pushed aside as a young person's dumb dream. I concluded, then, that as generic as Moses' story might be, and thought I didn't know of anyone else's story, I related to Moses. The second I started telling my pastor that, however, something in my gut told me I was lying.

I've always been a gut-oriented, "go with the flow" type of person. I don't mean go with the flow in the sense that I'm laid back and relaxed. I stress out. A lot. Part of the reason I stress out is that I respect and put a lot of focus on my mind and my (our) glorious ability to think and reason. How does any of that fit with being a gut-oriented, "go with the flow" person? Well, I'll tell you.

As much as I don't read Scripture and stress out and put emphasis on my ability to reason, I very thoroughly believe in God's working in the world RIGHT NOW. Miracles, signs, bright lights, voices from above... all of it still happens as we live and breathe. In fact, when I sit down and really think about my life, the fact that I'm alive and breathing and able to ponder the divine and feel pleasure (and, unfortunately, think about regrets, feel and dish out pain) is simply amazing and I become very short of breath because I'm very scared of not breathing and living and the only thing sustaining me is God's love. If you get bored of my blog but you've read this far, I hope and pray you get one thing out of it: don't take your breath for granted, thank God every day. But yes, God's love equals daily miracles. So when odd things happen, I jot them down as God's talking to me and leading me.

I'm a big football fan. When the Patriots won their first superbowl in the 2001 season, it didn't surprise me. After 9/11, what the country needed was to come together and together live out God's love. God reminded us of that when the Patriots won, being the first team in superbowl history to run onto the field as a team. It also didn't surprise me when the New Orleans Saints had their first good season in a long time the same year the Superdome reopened after Hurricane Katrina. Not only did the people of New Orleans need something to boost their spirits, but we all needed to be reminded that the saints always come marching home.

You might think I'm silly. God doesn't talk through football. Maybe not always, but I do believe He does. I believe God talks to us in whatever way we will listen. If you really love music, He's going to have the song just for you playing when you turn on the radio. That's just an example. And I believe that if you're following God's plan, everything in your life will start falling into place and you'll think, "Man am I lucky!!!" but you're not lucky because you're doing exactly as you're supposed to. And vice versa. If you are ignoring God's plan, your life will start falling apart. I'm not a prosperity theology type guy, but I do believe that when we're on the path we have a safe place to tread, and when we veer off the path the thorn bushes scratch us up.

Now that I'm done with my long background stuff, I'll tell you that I've tried following the signs and the little miracles all my life. That's what I mean by gut-oriented, "go with the flow" type person. When I believe God has spoken, I listen. It's hard knowing when something is a sign from God, but trust me, when someone buys you a pair of bunny slippers saying, "You're a guy so I have no idea why you'd want bunny slippers, but when I walked by them something told me I should get them for you anyway, so I did, please please please tell me you like them," you know God has done something miraculous (p.s. I love bunnies!!!!). Following those gut feelings and little crazy moments that occur occasionally can make you feel great, because it's all from God. It can also be really difficult, because if you really want to go out with friends some night but your keys somehow without reason defy the possible and fall into the ridiculously narrow slit between your front door and your front porch and it takes you hours to get them out, it can really stink, but those hours were just enough time for your friends to call to tell you, "Sorry, we're not hanging out anymore. We decided to get drunk and so-and-so is in the hospital now," you know your keys fell for a reason.

Anyway, I've always felt incredibly lucky. Whether I have been lucky or undeservedly blessed or if I've just been following the path is up to you to decide, but I believe the latter. It seemed like my professors were always assigning exams to give me plenty of time to study in between, whereas other students had 3 or 4 on the same day. I took it as a sign that I was taking all the classes God wanted me to. Everything in my life was going just great right on up through sophomore year of college.

Around then I was feeling very depressed and without direction. One day, though, I went to a church I wouldn't normally go to (actually, I hadn't been going to church on a regular basis at that time... actually, I've never really gone to church on a regular basis, except for two years at undergrad when I went to my school's Catholic church... I'm not Catholic). While I was sitting in the church during the service, I could tell the congregation wasn't exactly feeling the "church thang" which was ok with me because I was just there to be there, something in me had told me to go that day (doesn't sound all that crazy but it was, because my girlfriend at the time was going to do a class assignment that day by going to a church not of her denomination. The last thing I wanted was to have my faith mocked by her and I knew she would... we weren't exactly best buds). As I was thinking about why I was even there, I thought back to a time in my high school days when, again, I wasn't going to church regularly, hadn't gone to church for months, but one day I woke up and something was telling me to go to church to receive Communion. I didn't know the Communion schedule at the time, but I knew we didn't have it that often so I tried arguing with myself that the chances of even having Communion that day were slim to none, but I couldn't get over the desperate urge I felt to go to church and have Communion. So I went, and wouldn't you know it, we had Communion that day. Snap back to the present, I heard something in me say, "You're here for a reason, like always... you can do great things for this congregation if you were standing up front instead of this pastor."

That was it. That's my call story. I took those words, that feeling, as words from God. I dropped everything I had plans for to become a pastor, just like I believe I was told to do. It's been three years since then, and I've been focused on nothing else but following through. So, I can't say I was a lot like Moses. Sure, I believe I had a burning bush moment (I believe I had another seeing that Kate labeled this blog "Bring back the Burning Bush," because that's the story I talked about when I first officially talked about my call) and I most definitely don't feel worthy, but I didn't argue with God. It had been years since a young John first said he was going to be a pastor, and I figured even if I ran away from the call again it wouldn't do me much good. Besides, since accepting God's call, I've never felt more alive in my life, more free to be myself and more open to new adventures, all because I willingly submitted myself to what I believe God is calling me to do.

Of course, it's also nice (and another sign, to me) to hear the first pastor I told about what I believe God calling me to do say to me, "You know, I had recently been thinking to ask you if you had ever given thought to being a pastor. You'd be really good." And it's also definitely nice, and amazing, when a complete stranger, a nun in this case, walks up to me and asks me, "Are you going into ministry?" because, apparently, she could tell that was God's plan for me.

I say these things are nice because I am slightly insecure. When it comes to doing God's will, I think it's easy to become insecure. Am I actually doing what God wants? I don't know!!!!!!! <--- That's a common attitude, one I experience often. Even though I believe God talks to me in miraculous ways, I can still miss things. In fact, there are times that I know for sure God is telling me something and I just don't want to listen. It's hard holding conversations and listening clearly to a being who is all present but also invisible, who talks on a plain far above this earthly realm. But I do believe God still sends all of us burning bushes and signs and miracles of all sorts to guide us. I'm still keeping my eyes open, and I hope and pray you can join me in trying to open our eyes and ears and hearts to the voice of God in our world today.

Manna from Heaven might be more useful...

2010-01-10T20:41:00.001-05:00

My name is Kate, and I am (among other things) the founder and administrator of this blog. Currently, I am a nearly broke and unemployed seminarian wondering how on earth I'm going to pay for two more years of seminary. God has cared for me well in the past, but it seems as though His (or Her) provision is fast running out, with no rescue in sight.

³ The Israelites said to them, "If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death."
⁴ Then the LORD said to Moses, "I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions. ⁵ On the sixth day they are to prepare what they bring in, and that is to be twice as much as they gather on the other days."
⁶ So Moses and Aaron said to all the Israelites, "In the evening you will know that it was the LORD who brought you out of Egypt, ⁷ and in the morning you will see the glory of the LORD, because he has heard your grumbling against him. Who are we, that you should grumble against us?" ⁸ Moses also said, "You will know that it was the LORD when he gives you meat to eat in the evening and all the bread you want in the morning, because he has heard your grumbling against him. Who are we? You are not grumbling against us, but against the LORD."
⁹ Then Moses told Aaron, "Say to the entire Israelite community, 'Come before the LORD, for he has heard your grumbling.' "
¹⁰ While Aaron was speaking to the whole Israelite community, they looked toward the desert, and there was the glory of the LORD appearing in the cloud.
¹¹ The LORD said to Moses, ¹² "I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites. Tell them, 'At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the LORD your God.' "
¹³ That evening quail came and covered the camp, and in the morning there was a layer of dew around the camp. ¹⁴ When the dew was gone, thin flakes like frost on the ground appeared on the desert floor. ¹⁵ When the Israelites saw it, they said to each other, "What is it?" For they did not know what it was.
Moses said to them, "It is the bread the LORD has given you to eat. ¹⁶ This is what the LORD has commanded: 'Each one is to gather as much as he needs. Take an omer for each person you have in your tent.' "
¹⁷ The Israelites did as they were told; some gathered much, some little. ¹⁸ And when they measured it by the omer, he who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little. Each one gathered as much as he needed.
¹⁹ Then Moses said to them, "No one is to keep any of it until morning."
²⁰ However, some of them paid no attention to Moses; they kept part of it until morning, but it was full of maggots and began to smell. So Moses was angry with them.
²¹ Each morning everyone gathered as much as he needed, and when the sun grew hot, it melted away. ²² On the sixth day, they gathered twice as much—two omers for each person—and the leaders of the community came and reported this to Moses. ²³ He said to them, "This is what the LORD commanded: 'Tomorrow is to be a day of rest, a holy Sabbath to the LORD. So bake what you want to bake and boil what you want to boil. Save whatever is left and keep it until morning.' "
²⁴ So they saved it until morning, as Moses commanded, and it did not stink or get maggots in it. ²⁵ "Eat it today," Moses said, "because today is a Sabbath to the LORD. You will not find any of it on the ground today. ²⁶ Six days you are to gather it, but on the seventh day, the Sabbath, there will not be any."
²⁷ Nevertheless, some of the people went out on the seventh day to gather it, but they found none. ²⁸ Then the LORD said to Moses, "How long will you refuse to keep my commands and my instructions? ²⁹ Bear in mind that the LORD has given you the Sabbath; that is why on the sixth day he gives you bread for two days. Everyone is to stay where he is on the seventh day; no one is to go out." ³⁰ So the people rested on the seventh day.
³¹ The people of Israel called the bread manna. It was white like coriander seed and tasted like wafers made with honey. ³² Moses said, "This is what the LORD has commanded: 'Take an omer of manna and keep it for the generations to come, so they can see the bread I gave you to eat in the desert when I brought you out of Egypt.' "
³³ So Moses said to Aaron, "Take a jar and put an omer of manna in it. Then place it before the LORD to be kept for the generations to come."
³⁴ As the LORD commanded Moses, Aaron put the manna in front of the Testimony, that it might be kept. ³⁵ The Israelites ate manna forty years, until they came to a land that was settled; they ate manna until they reached the border of Canaan.

By and large, I am an independent person in that I enjoy a self-contained existence, providing for my own needs and wants without much assistance or interference from anyone else. I paid my way through undergrad as a banker, and made enough money in the interim between graduation and entrance at Wesley to see me through a year's tuition. I am now at the point where I am preparing to spend the last of that money, and wondering where I can locate another job in enough time to bridge the $10,000 gap between my MEF loans and the cost of tuition, room and board for next fall.

In Exodus 16, God forces the Israelites into a place of complete and utter dependence on Him, both in short-term (daily bread) and long-term (guide to the Promised Land) objectives. This is the place in which I find myself, and I dislike it enormously. Oddly enough, this is also the place I found myself last spring as I waited to hear whether or not I would be accepted to Wesley. Then, I was able to have a peaceful security in the knowledge that God would work on my behalf to get me to the place He wanted me to be - and He did, in spectacular fashion. So why has all my trust evaporated? Why were the Israelites, after being delivered out of the hands of their oppressors, sitting in the middle of the desert wishing they could trade back their independence for the promise of a daily meal?

The thing that strikes me most about the story of the manna and quail is how the Israelites distrusted God's provision, even in the face of the undeniably supernatural. You ever seen bread and meat appear out of the dew on your lawn? Me neither. And yet the Israelites, even after days and weeks and months of continued provision, keep trying to store a little away, anticipating the day when God's favor will dissipate and they will be reduced to their former circumstances, runaway slaves in the middle of the desert with no food, no water and no hope. This is exactly what I'm doing - anticipating the day when God will decide that I'm not worth it, I can't possibly do this, and I will become a broke, unemployed idiot who left a situation of stability, if not happiness (the banking industry is not exactly fun) to pursue a pipe dream. Maybe it's because, for perhaps the first time in my life, I have something I don't want to lose; an identity outside myself, a purpose, a place where I can succeed in ways that have eluded me in every other arena, and the idea of going back to what I was terrifies me. Maybe it's because my identity as an independent, self-sustained and self-contained person cannot survive in dependence on anyone, even a Father, Creator and Sustainer. Maybe that black part of my soul suspects that it's all just too good to be true.

You might well be asking what the heck all this has to do with call, vocation or discernment. To me, the answer is simple: everything. Something every person who seeks God has to discern (although we rarely use the term in this way) is whether or not God is worthy of trust, worthy of our following, our submission. We see the suffering all around us, and we ask ourselves whether God is the author of evil as well as good. We ask ourselves how following God will benefit us, if it will protect us from harm, grief and disappointment. Then we ask ourselves how a perfect, omniscient and omnipresent God could possibly love us enough to sacrifice a part of Himself that we may be brought into communion with Him. It all seems too good to be true.

I have a tattoo of John 15:16a, where Jesus speaks to His disciples, saying "you did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you to go forth and bear fruit - fruit that will last". I chose to get that tattoo because through seven years of wrestling with God's call on my life, I still find it difficult to believe that God has chosen me, has seen me, known me and yet still loved me, and wants to use me for the glory of the Kingdom. But I do believe; I see the evidence of God's handiwork in my life, moving me slowly but surely toward moments of fulfillment, moments of repentance, moments of trust. And if I believe, I must also trust.

"Trust and obey, there is no other way..."

I Saw the Burning Bush, But It Didn't Make It Easier

2010-01-07T00:26:00.008-05:00

I've always been a good little church boy. I went to church all my life, was active in the youth group, played guitar for the worship team, and volunteered on various mission trips and service projects. All seemed to be going well. I grew up and went off to a Christian school in western Pennsylvania to study Electrical Engineering. All seemed well.

Fast-forward to June, 2008. The setting is a church near Cleveland, OH where I am "chaperoning" a group of middle and high school kids from the church on a mission trip with a program called World Changers. Thursday night is the "Concert of Prayer." During the service I feel God tugging on my heart to share some of my testimony with the kids in our group during devotions.

So I walk up to our group leader and tell her I want to talk at our meeting. She nods, then looks me straight in the eye and says, "Matt, you're going to be a youth pastor. You need to drop out of engineering."

I felt the Spirit rise up in me at that moment. I laughed with tears in my eyes and said that I knew this would happen someday. I felt purpose, and passion. I experienced God in a totally new way.

I spent the rest of the summer debating this. I saw the Burning Bush, but could I be sure it wasn't a figment of my imagination? Through the council of friends and mentors, I found myself trusting more and more in its validity. I found my interest in things technical beginning to wane. I found an new interest in things of a spiritual nature. I took these as more signs to trust the experience.

Once I got back to school, I dropped out of engineering and enrolled in something called Christian Thought, basically a pre-seminary degree. Things went well for a while. I learned to study non-technical material. I read all afternoon. And I did pretty well, at first.

Near the end of the semester, I had a terrible week. I became wary of my classes. I felt ineffective leading a Bible study. I failed a test, and did less than spectacularly on others I felt like I had aced. I felt like it should be easier. Why was I being led toward something I was no good at? I'm supposed to be a pastor, but I can't even lead a simple Bible study? Why was I being set up to fail?

After much hemming and hawing, I prayed the following simple prayer:

"God, if you want me, you can have me. But you've got to make me into what you want. I've got nothing to offer."

And so I saw the burning bush, once in a dark auditorium. But it didn't ultimately make it easier. I still struggle with doubts, rebellious thoughts and actions, and new found self-righteousness. This process of sanctification is not easy. "The Lord disciplines those he loves." Discipline is never fun.

So in summary, where I stand today:

I've found that God is placing a desire in me for being a normal pastor of a small congregation, rather than my original thoughts of being a youth pastor. I do not hold aspirations to leading a giant church. I want to know each of the pilgrims under my care. I want to preach, and to preach well. I want to know what the congregation is dealing with, and apply the Biblical truths to their needs. I want to offer counsel, visit the sick and elderly, and teach small groups. This was definitely not in my 5 year plan two summers ago!

I hope this blog will be beneficial both to those of us who contribute, and to those who may read it. May God bless all of you in seeking his will and following after him.

Briars and Intersections

2010-01-05T17:11:00.011-05:00

When I was asked to join in the authorship of this blog, I jumped at the opportunity. I thought it was brilliant...one of the hardest struggles for me in my discernment has been finding resources from a modern young adult, female perspective. Since there are virtually none out there, hopefully my journey and struggles can shed some light (and laughter!) for others who are starting this journey. This is probably going to be my longest post...so I apologize in advance :)

By way of introduction, I too am a first year seminarian, having come directly from undergrad at a "public ivy" college where I double-majored in Anthropology and History and minored in Math. I am the second youngest student at my seminary and I'm also serving as the pastor to two ity-bity churches a couple of hours away from school. I am just beginning this pastorate, having started January 1st...so you'll be able to journey with me as I try to figure out where God is leading me through this grand adventure! I'm also a United Methodist candidate for ordination...I go up for my certification interview in a few weeks. I'm hoping to be ordained as an elder in the UMC, pastor a church for a few years and then go on for a PhD in Methodist History or American Church History so that I can teach and/or work for denominational archives.

So how did all this begin? Well...I generally say that working at a Christian summer camp was the catalyst for my pursing my calling. I had been sensing God's call to me for a few years, but it wasn't until the summer after my freshman year of college that God intervened in a dramatic way. I was pursuing law and politics for a career--I had my eye on a national office--when God took an internship out from under me and placed me at summer camp. This was ironic because growing up I hated being outside...I would sit inside in a beanbag chair reading all day, every day. But God changed my life that summer and made me fall in love with ministry! The kid who came to camp as a bully and left thinking Bible stories were "pretty cool," the high schooler who confided deep, inner secrets, the child who committed their life to Christ, and more, all impacted me. Living in Christian community with the other staff was amazing! The prayer life was the best I had experienced, and I was learning to articulate my faith in ways that mainstream culture makes difficult. It was then I realized that I could be in full-time ministry and wanted to explore my options.

It was then that my path began to fill with briars and obstacles. I tried to talk to several clergy, but each time, they blew me off, thinking I would change my mind, or thinking that I wasn't serious. But I was serious. I never announce my plans to people until I have thought through them and prayed over them. I became very frustrated. The common comment I heard was "if you can do anything besides ministry, do it." This was disheartening because the fact is, most of us can do something else. I could have pursued my other dreams, my new love of anthropology. But I wanted, and was called to pursue ordained ministry. Frederick Buechner said that your calling is where your greatest desire and the world's needs intersect. For two years, I tried to convince a pastor, any pastor, that I was being called. Finally, I sat down with a wonderful, second-career pastor who actually listened to me and said that she could feel a very strong calling in me! That moment changed everything! The two years had been filled with spiritual attacks--including one point where for about 6 months I didn't even know if I believed in God anymore. I was ecstatic!

I didn't do anything for several months, knowing I had to go back to my home church pastor to talk about my calling and ministry options. I was scared. What would happen if he said "no"? Could I face the rejection? I finally emailed my district superintendent, and he was very encouraging...he sent me a guidebook to read and told my home church pastor to meet with me. I spent the next year and a half meeting with this pastor. It was lengthened considerably for me because I went away to school.

To make a long story short, I eventually got through this, went before the District Committee on Ordained Ministry (DCOM) and was assigned a candidacy mentor. The woes of the candidacy process for me are long...perhaps one day I will post about them. But the best advice I can give is to 1) know the process better than any of your mentors--you tell them what you need to do next, 2) keep multiple copies of everything--even emails (print them!), you will need something eventually and will be glad to have it! 3) Stay on top of deadlines--Have a calendar, check it frequently. 4) Every conference in the UMC (and even each district within the same conference) can have different procedures--don't be alarmed if other people are doing things in a different order. Maintain frequent communication with your mentors (official and unofficial) and you'll be fine. 5) Know that you are not alone--it is a yucky process that in any other setting would be considered hazing; but you will survive if you want to, if God is calling you to this ministry (Philippians 4:13).

Now I'm 1/6th of the way through seminary (which was a tough discernment process too...) and pastoring 2 small, rural churches--each with about 20 people. That's a crazy story, and one I invite you to check out on my blog (see my profile). One of the things I've learned through this whole process is that I never stop discerning. It does get a bit easier, because you get used to going to God and listening for God--each person "hears" God in a different way. But it is a continual process. If you ever stop listening for God, then "Houston, we've got a problem!" I'm now working on figuring out what God has in store for me...I had never thought I'd be pastoring 2 churches at this point in my life, journey and seminary career--I never pictured myself as a local church pastor to begin with. I've always wanted to serve in extension ministries. But now, I'm serving this 2 congregations...5 minutes from where I grew up. I kept trying to go away to school, but God kept bringing me back. While I thought my calling began in high school, in retrospect, it began MUCH earlier...God has had God's hand on me for a looong time--I've just been too dense to realize it.

I invite you to journey with me, down the path, through the briars and roadblocks, in the grand adventure of calling and continual discernment...maybe our winding paths will cross one day...to where is God calling you? Where do your greatest joy and the world's needs intersect?

The Whys And Wherefores

2010-01-04T22:07:00.003-05:00

This blog is the result of three things that should never, ever be combined:

-A somewhat overzealous devotion to the wonders of the Internet
-A belated (three weeks after the end of the semester) idea for a project on call and vocation, and
-A grad student with waaaay too much free time on her hands :)

In the fall semester of 2009, my first semester at Wesley Theological Seminary, I took a class on Call & Vocation In Campus Context with Malcolm Frazier, who serves as chaplain at Howard University. As a final project for the class, we were asked to create and outline a concept for education and discussion about the concepts of call and vocation. At the time, I wrote a sermon about call and vocation as it applies to lay work in the church. However, as I reflected on the project, I found myself trying to come up with another concept, one that could connect my personal journey of discernment with my desire to reach out to others exploring a call to vocational ministry. I hope that this blog will accomplish just that.

One of the great challenges of discerning a call to ministry in the 21st century is the very breadth and depth of the church in modern society. Once upon a time, God called Moses out of a burning bush, gave him a vision for ministry and handed him the tools he needed to succeed. A classmate struggling with her own discernment once joked that she prayed for God to "bring back the burning bush", a sentiment I suspect will always resonate with those who seek God's will in their lives for any length of time. However, the tool I have found most helpful in my call journey is that of friends willing to share their lives with me, to speak openly of the ups and downs, triumphs and failures, smooth sailing and rough roads they have encountered. This is what I hope to provide in this blog.

During the early days of my discernment process, I read a wonderful book by Sarah Sentilles that outlined the challenges women face in ministry across the lines of denomination, age, race, socioeconomic background, location and sexual orientation. I hope that I can recruit some friends to help author this blog with me, so that we can present a multi-faceted view of the trials and tribulations that we face on this road to ministry, and offer what we can in the way of hope, encouragement and the lessons we wish others had told us :) Join us as we untangle the strands of our hopes and God's dreams, our will and God's, and be encouraged, for "you did not choose Me, but I chose you!" (John 15:16a).